WARNING: PURE CRACK AND GENERAL MADNESS.
Based from DW6 Empires.
Once upon a time in a land far away (but not far enough so that shipping cancels out the cheap labor), there was a beautiful young maid, fair of face and virtuous, and industrious and all the other things in the obligatory list of Good Girl characteristics.
Her name was Dong Bai. And she was very sad, because her job was to appear randomly in missions being attacked by things. So while all the other girls were out fighting, getting good weapons, and raking up their KO count, Dong Bai was stuck sitting in the middle of a crowd of enemies and getting mauled, all the while waiting for a money-hungry warrior to save her.
And despite all the treasure she got to hand out, Dong Bai actually didn't have anything of her own. Whenever there were new weapons or good items or abilities, they were always given to the others, and never to Dong Bai. As a result, she continued to suck majorly so that she couldn't defend herself, and the cycle continued, until the all warriors were rich enough so that they could afford to just ignore her.
One day, Dong Bai was sitting and bandaging her wounds when she started crying, because that's what girls are supposed to do when they have a problem, instead of going out and actually doing something productive. But the moment her tears hit the remains of her left leg, a miracle happened.
There was a shower of sparkles and light! And all of a sudden, a man appeared right before her eyes, and he was so utterly hip and stylish that even his skinny-skinny jean label had labels.
"Hey, hey, girl, don't get your Vickeys in a knot! The name's Ling Tong, and I'm your fuckin' gay fairy godmother!" he sang, whipping off his oversize Ray-Bans and fluffing up his long ponytail.
Dong Bai's eyes widened. "And you're here to help me?" she asked.
"No, I'm here to study your interior décor. Sheesh, of course I'm here to help you! …Although we could really start with that though, oh my God did you win a shopping spree to Target when 'cheap and plastic' was all the rage or something?"
"I didn't know that I have a fairy godmother! But aren't you a man?" Dong Bai asked suspiciously.
Ling Tong rolled his eyes and flicked his hand in her direction. "Girlfriend, I'm a damn fairy. That good enough?"
Dong Bai decided to stop questioning the gender socioconstruction of sexual roles with specific cultural connotations and just nodded. "Okay. So my problem-"
"You're on a budget, but nothing that a trip to Ikea can't fix-"
"Can we talk about my problem?" Dong Bai exclaimed. "Look, all the other girls get all the action. They're running around battlefields and getting everything- glory, rank, treasure, good weapons, and eventually the guy too! But look at me! What do I have? How do I get it? And I can't-"
"Dang, girl, if you had to ask me where to start, you need a major attitude adjustment! Let's do some yoga-"
"I don't want to! Look, there's an all-kingdoms ball tonight at the Imperial Palace and for some reason everyone's invited even though they're all trying to take down the court. And every single eligible bachelor is going to be there- if I can get their eye and get crowned Ball Queen-" she frowned scoldingly when Ling Tong snickered but continued. "-And if I'm crowned that then someone's sure to marry me!" Dong Bai slowly got the sinking feeling that once again, she might have just got the short straw when it came to fairy godmothers as well as everything else in life. If Zhen Ji, for example, had a fairy godmother, the Lady Zhen would never have ended up with the ridiculous metrosexual hipster.
"Hey, hey, what's up with wanting to tie the knot so fast you'll get rope burn? Girly, there's lots more in being swingin' single-"
"I want to get married, kay? It's part of everything," she said defensively.
"Oh nooooo you don't say, sweets!" Ling Tong exclaimed in mock-drama. "Trust me, you don't need a man! You're your own woman and-"
"Can we skip the feminist manifesto and get to the part where you make me pretty?" Dong Bai exclaimed.
The fairy godmother rolled his eyes. "Girl, there's only so much I can do! Hip comes from the inside! Either you're deck like me or… You know." He gestured in the air and tilted his head.
Dong Bai was rapidly realizing that perhaps a fuckin' gay fairy godmother was getting complicated. "So you're saying you can't do it?"
Ling Tong let out a long, dismissive scoff. "Bayyyy-bee!" he snorted. "Me? Can't do it? Who the hell are you kidding?" Looking more serious, he stuffed his hands into his distressed vintage bomber jacket and gave her a look. "I'm Ling Tong. Of course I can do it."
"So can you do it already? The ball's in three hours-"
"Whaaat, girl?" Ling Tong scoffed. "Three hours? I need more time than that to do my hair in the morning!
Dong Bai's eyes went up to his ponytail. "But it looks like you just tied it up and ran off."
He smiled indulgently. "Ex-aaaactly. It takes a lot of effort to make it look like you didn't put in any effort- but back to the point, not enough time-"
"Well, so can you do a short job?" she asked desperately.
He sighed and scraped out the inside of his ear. "Sweets, I absolutely hate rushing. It's like just finishing without the foreplay. But if I need too…"
"Oh thank you! I am forever in your de-"
"Snap it and sit down," Ling Tong snapped, whirling a retro stylist chair out of thin air.
When Dong Bai was seated, he put on a pair of vintage glasses and studied her face. "Girlfriend, let me tell you now. Moisturizer, exfoliating scrub, polishing sugar, and deep-pore-cleanser. That's what I'm telling you."
"Huh?" Dong Bai asked, the list going over her head.
Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine, let me take care of it," he sighed, pulling bottles in and out of existence and proceeding to soap up Dong Bai's face, wash it off, and then put more stuff on, and then wash it off again, until her face was feeling raw and oddly tingly.
"You've got gorgeous cheekbones, honey, but those eyebrows? I haven't seen so much chunky hair outside Hippy Haven Communal Store!"
And with that, he pulled out a pair of Rubis tweezers. Before she even had time to shout 'shit, my face,' a large amount of the fine hairs on her face and eyebrows had been removed.
"Man, I wish I could thread them but I am horrible at threading," he sighed. "But one of my friends is a yoga instructor and she's the best I know-"
"Ouch! Ouch!" Dong Bai moaned. "What did you just do?"
Ling Tong pulled out a compact mirror and shoved it in her face. "Now, I know it's a bit red but at least we can see your eyes now…"
Dong Bai stared. "Oh my. I look different-"
"I tell you, it's all in the makeup. I mean my GOD have you seen Yue Ying?" Ling Tong scoffed.
"What? But she is beautiful-"
"Not without her stylist, no," he snorted. "Man, that woman? She's smart but without Jiang Wei that girl is you-gee-al-WAI with a capital Eew!"
"What?"
"Oh my God that nose! It makes a pug dog look like a Botox model! Have you seen her without foundation and contouring?"
"What?"
Ling Tong sighed. "Never you mind! Sit tight toots, this'll be one hellava spin! Now, close your eyes."
Before she did so, she spotted the boxed drink Ling Tong had drawn out of thin air and was sipping. Dong Bai had to look twice, blink, and reread the label before coughing in confusion. "Uh…"
"What? Any last words?" he snorted.
"Fat-free, lactose-free milk? What's left?" she asked quizzically.
Ling Tong gave her a look. "Hey. Well, yeah. And I only drink organic and non-GMO, because do you know how horrible it is for the planet and for your body-"
"But what's left in there? Just water?"
"Just shut it and close your eyes."
And that, the fair maid Dong Bai was powdered and pressed with three different types of primer, foundation, powder, mineral veil, and bronzer.
Dong Bai opened her eyes. "Oh, well, that wasn't too long-"
"Hey. I haven't even put on the paints yet," Ling Tong snorted. "Now, tell me, I hope you like the eye doctor's…. Open your eyes wide and look up."
Dong Bai did so, and in the next period of time she was asked to look up, down, close her eyes, and move her eyes more times than a stroke patient in an ER.
"Okay, pal, sit tight."
"Why?
"Hair time."
Once again, Dong Bai couldn't see what the hell was going on behind and above her, but she could probably hazard a guess around "bobby pin factory" or "aerosol testing."
"Okay, now look," Ling Tong said and snapped his fingers, pulling a mirror out of thin air.
Dong Bai caught a glimpse of post-it notes with rather personal lists before he tugged them off with a quick hand. Before she could wonder about why exactly her fairy godmother needed lubricant, handcuffs, frozen sausages, and chocolate syrup by 10 PM tonight, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.
"Oh. My. Gods." Dong Bai blinked several time. Her eyes were huge and defined, her skin was porcelain, her hair was a smooth dark cloud about her head, and really, overall she was as beautiful as a fairy-
"Nice, eh?" Ling Tong snorted. "I didn't get Mr. Magic four years in a row for nothing, you know-"
"Wait, so every beauty I've seen, all of them, they're just normal women but with a good makeup artist?" Dong Bai demanded accusingly.
Ling Tong nodded.
"Even Diao Chan?"
"She bought out the whole Mac store."
Dong Bai groaned as if he had just told her that Jesus walking on water was actually due to a hidden board in Peter's swimming pool. "Oh my God. Is there nothing sacred? Is there no magic-"
"Hey, hey, you sit up right now and don't you dare rub your eyes! We don't have another three hours, you know-"
"Three hours already? Oh my Gods, I need to be at the palace in forty minut-"
"Not before your outfit, girl-"
Dong Bai looked at him. "Do I…" Did she dare ask? "Do I get a dress like the other ladies? Like the empress-"
"Oh, the tiered fluffy dress?"
"Yes, with the corset top-"
"Do you want to look like a wedding cake?" he snorted. "That's been out of fashion since centuries ago! Get with the times, girl!"
"But everyone else has one! It looks beautiful-"
"Hey. Hey. Pal?"
"Yes?"
"Isn't the fairy godmother supposed to know what's best for you?"
Dong Bai considered this suggestion as well as her own track record about anything aside from screaming for help.
Seeing her silence, Ling Tong nodded. "So try these own." He pulled out an outfit complete with accessories on a hanger.
Dong Bai paled. "Pants?"
Ling Tong nodded. "With those calves of yours, you're just asking for PVC pants-"
"I can't wear pants! Can't I wear a dress? Like everyone else?" Dong Bai cried. Pants? Pants? To the most glamorous event of the year?
"Yeah, sure, like everyone else, sure," Ling Tong snorted, pulling out a generic prom dress from behind him. "Well, I didn't know that drab and blending-in was your style, but well, I guess I should have guessed, judging from your life so far…" he sighed dramatically and cruelly.
Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Wordlessly, Dong Bai took his original proffered outfit and turned to the bathroom.
"Don't mess up your hair getting dressed!" Ling Tong shouted.
Maybe it was a good thing that she had trusted her metrosexual hipster fairy godmother, Dong Bai mused as she examined her reflection in a nearby puddle. In her well-coordinated and edgy outfit, she looked like a bad girl model jumped straight from a fashion spread. Although, judging from the cologne smell on the fur-collared bolero and the layered, ripped shirts she was wearing, they were probably borrowed from Ling Tong's own closet.
"Hey, ready to go?" her fairy godmother called, pulling up a strange thing next to himself.
"What is that?" Dong Bai asked curiously, looking at the bizarre cart. It looked like a wall-less wagon with a sleek design and a head, but no place to hook on a horse…
"It's an Italian Ves-paa!" the fairy godmother exclaimed. "Man, man, man, horses are so fuel-inefficient if you think about the environmental impact of all the grain they eat, whereas Nellie-"
"Who?"
"It's what I named her, Nellie, like from South Pacific. Anyways, this girl goes off of electricity, so I can get a workout and charge my ride at the same time. Nice, eh?"
"But how do I ride it-"
Ling Tong pulled out two vintage helmets that probably were designed more for looks and to say 'look how European I am' than actually protecting anyone's cerebrum. "Here," he said, tossing one to her. He swung a long leg over the side and got on. "Ride behind me, toots. Hands around my waist and hang on!"
Dong Bai hesitantly climbed on behind him and hooked her arms around his 22" waist. She was preparing for a sudden acceleration, but it turned out that the scooter was so vintage and retro that it took him a couple of tries to actually start. Plus, it only went at about thirty miles per hour, which was significantly slower than Zhao Yun running and jumping in full armor in the middle of a tropical swamp.
"Aren't you supposed to drop me off here?" Dong Bai asked, once she had stumbled off of the Vespa.
The fairy godmother flipped his hair and made a pshhh-as-if sound with his teeth. "Excuuuuse me, but there's a party with a themed buffet in there, and you want me to wait outside?" he snorted, snapping his chin back and forth. "There's a dance floor waiting for me to bust a moby, and people need to see me and how hip I am. Besides…" Ling Tong leaned in with a conspiratorial wink. "I heard an old friend of mine is showing up, and I want to, heh, catch up, if you know what I mean."
Dong Bai stared at him, puzzled.
"I mean I'm going to go have sex with him."
"Oh. Well, see you, I guess-"
"Well, let's get going!" Ling Tong hooked an elbow around her and strutted towards the entrance, Dong Bai in tow.
At the door, Dong Bai began to fish through her borrowed designer bag for her invite, but to her surprise, Ling Tong simply waved at the guards at the door, who waved back.
"Hey, hey, hey, Ke, how's my boy?" he shouted, fist-bashing with one of them. "Oh, Jingyu, ouch, still got that acne? I told you to quit switching lotion brands! Lay off the chemical stuff. That's what's clogging your pores- oh my god, Chang, is that you? You look so different- new highlights?"
Dong Bai stared in confusion as her fairy godmother held up the entire line of attendees to stop and chat with the guards, presumably all of whom he knew. But as the restless, impatient murmuring behind her began to swell, Dong Bai nudged Ling Tong politely. "Uh, maybe we should move-"
"Oh, oops, I forgot there're a bunch of LBRs stuck behind us! Hah, let's get going then. Boys, see all-ya 'round!" Ling Tong sang, waving a hand and sauntering inside the palace.
"Don't we need to show our invites?" Dong Bai asked as they made their way into the main room.
Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Okay. Me? Needing to show something to get in? No. Just no." At the confused look on her face, he laughed. "Heh! You're seriously thinking that not everyone knows me? Back up a kick, girl."
Dong Bai wasn't paying attention though, as when they entered the room, the presence of single, hot men dulled her mind.
She quickly spotted a man who she had seen before, Ma Chao, who was looking very elegant and splendid in his all-white outfit.
"Hey, there's Ma Chao-" she began, but Ling Tong cut her off.
"Oh no, you don't want him, trust me. That guy? He makes a stuffed shirt look like a wild clubber. And, well, trust me, I know personally that in bed, he can't keep it going for more than twenty minutes."
Dong Bai felt her blush slowly rising up from her feet.
"And when he can, really, it's not worth the trouble… It's like he just wants to get it over with and sticks it just anywhere-"
"Who's that?" she asked, trying to change the conversation. She had spotted an utterly drool-worthy, tanned stud helping himself to some canapés. She normally really did not go for tattoos (a sign of bad character, everyone knew), but on that body and those arms? Anything went.
A long arm draped itself across her shoulders. Dong Bai looked up to see her gay hipster fairy godmother's grinning face. "You remember my 'old friend?'" he asked. "Yep."
Dong Bai bit her tongue. It wouldn't be very proper to accost the boyfriend of the man who had helped her get here in the first place. "Oh."
Sensing her disappointment, Ling Tong laughed. "Don't worry. He's not interested in anyone without a penis anyways." He stretched out in a cat-like manner. "Well, toots, I'm proud o'ya. You've come quite a way from a frumpy nerdster in three hours, eh?" he asked, laughing. "Well, your looks at least, and hey, if you're feeling it, isn't that what matters?"
"Oh- I forgot- forgive me, I forgot to thank you-"
"Don't worry about it." Ling Tong reached over and propped her chin up with a finger. "And hey. Here's where I can't help you anymore. I've got you the threads and the face, but the rest is up to you."
"Okay."
"Get some ass- uh, I mean kick some ass, girl," Ling Tong said. "Ciao!"
"Wait, what am I supposed to do?" Dong Bai sighed when she realized that he was effectively out of hearing reach.
She should just go back and… There was a nice table nearby where no one was bound to come up to her-
The smell of her godmother's cologne drifted from her clothes. Maybe it was tight pants, or the pushup bra, or the boots or the mini-spiked bangles…
The bits of her pride that were still hanging around after being pummeled by Life, the Universe, and Everything stirred, and Dong Bai stepped forward, heading towards the nearest bachelor she could sight.
Maybe to be continued, maybe not, what do you think... So busy lately. Yarr curse you high schoolers with your lives and your free time and your 7 hours of sleep...
This was written as a gift to a gay hipster. His only request was that I write something about a gay hipster. He doesn't game but he likes these characters because apparently he thinks they're all gay hipsters…?
We haven't put anything up in a while so I just decided to post this.