Little Talks: I'm not pack, I'm human
"It's called heart break there's about two billion songs written about it."
"You don't say much, you don't say any more than you have to. Have you lost touch with the ones you adore and sought after? Yeah, and you don't know why? They put a bullet through your heart and told you not to cry. I swear I won't mention this too anyone. So come on, you can tell me what it is. So we'll drive through the night til we find 'some kind of home'"
"As much as being broken up hurts, being alone is way worse"
"Even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away! And scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star? And doesn't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are? We grew up way too fast and now there's nothing to believe. And reruns all become our history. A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio"
"Hey," Scott said as he tapped on Stiles' shoulder "are we hanging out before your date with Derek? It's been awhile" Stiles shrugged "Not sure. Have a lot to do, ya know" Stiles said as he tugged at his sleeves.
The last bell rang as Stiles rushes out of class, Scott immediately following behind him. "Hey, what's with the rush?" Scott asks as he catches up to Stiles. "Just want to get out of here and get home" Stiles said glancing at Scott.
"So, what do you have that's got you so busy lately? Cause its obviously not just, Derek." Scott asked as he grabbed his bike. "Uh, my dad, just been worried about him lately." Stiles said hopping into his jeep and starting it.
Stiles pulls away from the school looking behind him at Scott guiltily. He hated lying to his best friend. He needed Scott more than ever right now, because he's sinking and there's no one there.
Stiles is so pissed that he does everything in his power to be there for Scott. But when he's drowning, Scotts nowhere to be seen.
Stiles turned up the radio as he looked at the road as a single tear fell down his cheek.
He lies down in his bed once he gets home from school. He just lays there on his stomach with his face buried into his pillow to drown out his cries. Why was he alone? Where was Scott? Where was Derek? Where was the pack? There was just no one.
He understood why there was no one to save him. He's not pack, he's just human.
Stiles let out enough to get up and get ready for his and Derek's date. By the time he finished showering Derek was already downstairs waiting.
"Crap," Stiles mouths as he walks over into his room "Be down in a minute" Stiles says as he shuts his door and throws on a pair of jeans and a sweater.
Once, Stiles had finished throwing his shoes and socks on he ran down the stairs so he didn't keep Derek waiting. "Hey" Derek looked up and smiled once Stiles hit the bottom step. "Hi" Stiles smiled softly looking Derek up and down. Stiles didn't know how he could have Derek and feel the way he does. Derek would help him without even knowing he was doing anything. Stiles could spend hours with Derek but he knew he couldn't. "You ready to go?" Derek asked as he slid his gloves on and walked over grabbing Stiles' coat and scarf. "Yeah I sure am" Stiles smiled and walked to Derek turning as he put his coat on.
"You have him home by curfew, no later!" John said as he walked in with a hot cup of coffee. "Yes, sir" Derek said as he nodded. "What are you guys doing anyway?" John asked as he leaned against the staircase. "Getting hot chocolate?" Stiles asked as he looked from his dad to Derek. "Yeah, hot chocolate, sounds good" Derek smiled. "Alright, be careful, supposed to snow tonight. By curfew, Stiles" John said as he pointed at Stiles and walked away.
The snow was coming down hard so they called their date off early.
It's a cold winter night, the worst time of year for Stiles. He remembers when he and his mom would play in the snow, then finish the night with a hot cup of cocoa. He thinks of a time when Scott and he would play video games all night long. Like, the time Derek snuck into his bedroom to get one last goodnight kiss. And the time he'd watch baseball games with his dad. Or the time that it seemed like time stopped for them.
These memories were playing like a film without sound.
Its 10 p.m. and Stiles just sat in the middle of his bed in the dark. He didn't touch his homework, hasn't answered any of Scott's or Derek's calls. All he did was sit there sobbing into a pillow. He's felt this for a while now, felt empty, useless, and human. He felt it since he lost his mom, but his life was worse now, the feeling was stronger.
He tried everything to stop feeling like this, music, homework, friends, but nothing took it away. He rocked back and forth holding the razor between his index finger and thumb, tears still streaming down his face and another sad song on.
He drags the razor across his skin as blood trails out behind. He keeps telling himself that it's easier, it makes him feel better. He drags the razor over his skin a few more times before he laid back.
Two weeks pass by in a blur; he had some good days and some bad ones, but mostly bad ones. Stiles hadn't talked with Scott or Derek much. He didn't see any point in it. Scott and Derek never had time for Stiles unless they needed Stiles' help with something.
It's now 3:45 p.m. on a Tuesday and Stiles skipped school once again for a 'migraine' and Scott is banging on his bedroom door. Stiles jumps up making sure his wrist were covered and his razor was put away. "One minute" Stiles yells as he gets up heading to the door. "Yeah?" Stiles asked as he opened the door.
Scott barges in "What's with you?" Scott asks as he turns to face Stiles. "What do you mean, dude?" Stiles said as he shuts his bedroom door and sits down in his computer chair. "You've been really distant lately. And you're really short with people. And I barely seen you or talked to you the past couple of weeks." Scott said as he sat down on the edge of Stiles' bed. "It just seems like we go longer and longer without talking to each other. I thought we were best buds? And Derek says he can't reach you half the time either." Scott said leaning forward on his elbows. "Just don't worry about it. I'm fine, Scott." Stiles sighed as he tapped a pen against his desk.
"Stop lying to me, Stiles! This isn't like you. And I know you wouldn't just ignore Derek the way you have been." Scott said as he looked around Stiles' room sniffing. "I can smell it on you. And I can hear your heart beat" Stiles looked over at Scott nervous "Smell, what? And so what, a heart is supposed to beat, ya know?" Stiles said sarcastically. "Pain, not like your usual scent. Derek's probably noticed that's probably why he's been acting weird. "
"Just don't worry about it, okay! And, and just get out, Scott!" Stiles said slamming the pen down. Scott didn't move from his spot. He just sat there watching Stiles. "What's that?" Scott asked his eyes narrowing on Stiles' wrist, standing up walking over to Stiles.
"What's what?" Stiles turned to face Scott. Scott grabbed Stiles' hand pushing his sleeve up. "That" Scott pursed his lips together. Stiles jerked his arm away quickly covering his skin. "It's nothing. Just a cat scratch."
Scott knew it wasn't a 'cat scratch', he could always tell when Stiles was thinking of a lie right then and there. "How long have you been doing that?" Scott said as his voice started to drop. Stiles shrugged. "Long enough" Stiles said as he glanced over at Scott. "Does anyone else know?" Scott asked as he looked up.
Stiles shook his head "Please, don't tell anyone. I just, I need some time." Scott looked at Stiles in disbelieve "Stiles, I can't and won't stand here and do nothing. You're my best friend." Scott said looking at Stiles confused.
"I just don't know how I didn't notice that you were in so much despair." Scott spoke once it started to get to quiet. "Nobody did, because that's how I need it, Scott. That's how I want it." Stiles held back his tears. "But that's not how it should be" Scott said dragging his hand through his hair.
Its been 5 years since his moms death and once again he was the useless human at home doing research.
Derek has been trying to get a hold of Stiles but every time he called, Stiles would ignore his call or just let it ring all the way through. "Hey, Stiles, it's me. Text or call me" Derek said as he let out a breath of air.
Stiles started blasting his favorite album as he threw his cell at the wall across the room. He hit his knees as the tears come flowing down his face. He starts screaming as he stands and starts pushing things off the shelves. He ran over to his nightstand as he opened the top drawer. He grabbed the razor as he sat down on his bed shoving his sleeve up.
The first cut wasn't as deep as planned, so he went deeper and deeper until he found satisfaction with the amount of blood. He lost so much blood that he started to get dizzy. "I didn't wanna die." He whispered as he started to sob as he slides to his floor pulling his knees to his chest. He's finally passed out 30 minutes later from the lack of blood.
Derek tried calling Stiles again; he grabbed his keys as it went straight to voicemail. Derek ran out to his car hopping in and starting it. Derek dials Scott's number "Hey," Scott says answering his phone. "Have you talked to Stiles today?" Derek asked as he turned onto the main street heading towards Stiles' house. "N-no, he won't answer my calls or texts.'' Scott said as he let out a breath of air. Derek gripped the wheel tighter as he sped up.
Derek showed up at Stiles' about five minutes later. He saw that Stiles' dad wasn't home as he pulled up to the house. Derek gets out silently as he approaches the side of the house. He's listening for some kind of movement behind the music, but there's only a faint heart beat that's slowing more and more.
Derek climbs up the side of the house opening Stiles' window. Derek's eyes flash red as the smell of Stiles' blood gets stronger. He runs over to Stiles once he sees him lying on the floor on the other side of his bed.
"Stiles" Derek said just loud enough for Stiles to hear him. A tear fell down Derek's face as he pulls Stiles into his chest.
Stiles drifts into consciousness when Derek is holding Stiles' head pleading for him to wake up. "No. Come on, Stiles. I need you to wake up buddy." Derek says as his eyes flash red out of fear. Derek calls 9-1-1 telling them what happened and the address.
He carefully held Stiles up to his chest. Derek started applying pressure to Stiles' wrist. "Please no" Stiles heard Derek say under his breath. Stiles could feel Derek's heart pounding.
The Sheriff is the first one to show up to the Stilinski house. He pushes through the door, running up the stairs. Once he reaches Stiles' room he hits his knees next to Derek. "What happened" The Sheriff asked as tears started to fill his eyes. Derek couldn't look into Stiles' dad in the eyes and tell him because Derek felt guilty. Felt like somehow it was his fault.
The paramedics stabilized Stiles long enough until they could get him to the hospital. The Sheriff rode with Stiles in the ambulance. Derek hopped into his car as Scott called. "It's Stiles" Derek managed to choke out. "What happened?" Scott asked scared for what the answer was gonna be. "He cut and went to deep, Scott" Derek yelled as he hit the steering wheel. "I'll meet you at the hospital" Scott said as he hung up the phone.
Derek sped to the hospital running red lights and stop signs. He rushes into the closest parking spot to the building and runs into the emergency room. He shoves his way to the front desk. "Where is he?" Derek asked calmly as he approached Melissa McCall. "Look, Derek you can't go back there. They're getting him prepped now." Melissa said as she gave Derek a soft smile.
Scott showed up a 5 minutes after Derek did. "Derek! How is he?" Scott said walking up to Derek. "Not sure no one will tell me anything" Derek said tilting his head to Scotts mom. Sheriff Stilinski came out into the waiting room. Derek looks over and walks around Scott when he sees John come out. "Mr. Stilinski, how is he?" Derek asked as he looked at the sheriff with fear.
"For the most part okay, he'll live" John said rubbing the back of his neck. "When can we see him?" Scott said as he took a couple steps forward. "I think he means 'can they'!" Melissa called up from her spot behind the desk. John forced a small smile ''Yeah they can see him. You can go back now" John said as he let out a breath of air.
Derek came to a stop at the doorway of Stiles' ER room staring at him. Scott stopped behind Derek letting out a breath of air. "What happens from here?" Scott asked as he started to tear up. Derek walked and sat carefully on the edge of Stiles' bed softly grabbing his hand. "Do you have a permanent marker?" Derek asked quietly not to wake Stiles glancing over to Scott.
Scott nodded "I'll get one" He walked out of the room and shortly returned with a black permanent marker. "Thanks" Derek said as he took the marker and removing the cap. "What are you doing?" Scott said curiously as Derek started marking on Stiles' arm next to his bandages. "What does it say" Scott asks as he tilts his head. "It says 'You're worth saving' next to a butterfly" Derek said softly as he put the cap back on the marker.
"We need to tell the rest of the pack what's going on" Derek said rubbing the back of his neck. ''Okay, I can go call, I need to apologize to Isaac anyway" Scott said pulling his phone out and leaving the room. "Okay" Derek nodded.
Scott dialed Isaac's number "Hey, don't have a lot of time to explain. Its Stiles, can you tell the pack to come to the hospital?" Scott said the moment Isaac answered. "Yeah, just a sec gonna send out a text." Isaac said as he sent out a mass text. "Alright, sent, what happened?" Isaac asked as he came back on the phone. "Stiles, he, uh, tried committing suicide today" Scott choked out. It fell silent on both ends "I'll be there soon" Isaac said as he headed out the door.
The pack finally shows up a few minutes after Scott's call. "Lydia, couldn't take it in and see him like this" Jackson said as he looked past Scott at Stiles laying in the hospital bed.
Stiles' eyes finally flutter open; the whole pack is surrounding him, talking in a whisper. "Hey" John walked up to the head of Stiles' bed. "I'm alive" Stiles says quietly. The room fell quiet, "Yeah, it'll be okay" John said kissing the top of Stiles' head. Stiles shook his head "It's never alright"
Derek walked up on the other side of Stiles' bed grabbing his hand "But we have time to make it alright"
Lydia finally came to the hospital to visit Stiles. Once she entered Stiles' hospital room everyone left so they could be alone. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to him. "Hey" Stiles finally looked her in the eyes. "Do you remember when you told me that death doesn't happen to you, it happens to the people around you?" Lydia said as tears began to fill her fill her eyes. "Yeah" Stiles said as he grabbed Lydia's hand. "What do you think would've happened to me or any of us for that matter if you died, Stiles?" Lydia exclaimed wiping away the tears as more followed. "I'm sorry," Stiles said as he pulled her in for a hug. "I was so alone when things got hard. I needed a way out. And I was just trying to match the outside with the inside" Stiles whispered as he buried his face into her neck. "Its okay, I don't blame you" Lydia said wrapping her arms around him.
Derek softly knocks on the door "Hey sorry to interrupt" As he walked in "Can I have a moment alone with Stiles?" Derek asked as he stepped up to the end of the bed. Lydia nodded getting up "I'll see you in a little bit" She said as she kissed his cheek and walked out of the room.
Derek went and sat down on the edge of the bed. They just sat there in silence staring at each other. "I'm sorry" Stiles muttered. Derek shook his head "No, don't apologize" he said as he took Stiles' hand. "I didn't want it to be like this." Stiles said once it got too quiet.
"No one did, but when you feel alone and unwanted, you remember that you're not alone. And you gotta promise me. that whatever happens you gotta believe in me. Even if you can't see me there. And I'm gonna change the ending to your story okay" Derek said
"Okay" Stiles whispered with a small smile.