This was supposed to be a one shot and you can all thank my dear friend Chilassa because she insisted that this was not a nice way to end this story. And because I agreed there will be a second chapter. You're welcome.
For Bucky touch held a negative connotation.
Being touched by Hydra goons had hurt, especially if they came for the arm or shoved him in the chair. Being touched by anyone else only ever occurred during a fight and naturally that hurt no matter if he had the serum or not.
When the people he was supposed to kill got close enough to him to touch they clung to him, begging him to stop and even though he didn't much care about that at the time it made him wary. Bucky avoided those encounters by making sure that when he was close enough to be touched the person was already dead or severely injured and incapacitated.
Being trained by Hydra, only being touched to teach him, it hurt even worse. If they thought Bucky had done something wrong, if he didn't immediately excel at whatever they wanted from him, they would hurt him, hit him so he would learn faster.
If the touch didn't hurt then it was brief, carried out with so much loathing or fear that even Bucky in his scrambled mind could pick up on that. While this kind of touch didn't, hurt its only purpose was to get him to do something, it was never anything else than purposeful and clinically.
Sometimes though there were stretches of time, years really, where Bucky went without a touch. They ordered him around with hateful glances and well placed words and Bucky got used to it.
So used to it in fact that when he came to find Steve after weeks and weeks of hiding, running and fighting, after debating if it was the right thing to do, after walking away, hiding again, just seconds before Steve would have seen him, he flinched when Steve extended his hand for him.
Steve noticed, of course he noticed, and immediately dropped his hand, promising Bucky that he wouldn't do anything he didn't like, that he would never force anything on him.
From then on Steve made good on that promise and kept his hands to himself, always careful to give Bucky the space he seemed to need. The only problem with that was that Bucky didn't want him to keep his promise anymore.
It's been several months since Steve brought him to the tower and Bucky was constantly doing better, even if it was sometimes slow going, but he healed a bit every day. And by now, after shifting through so much pain and horror, all Bucky wanted was to be touched.
He was fully integrated into life in the tower, everyone had accepted that he lived there, and Bucky was envious at the ease with which touch came to the others.
There were affectionate shoulder clasps, nudging each other, brushing while walking and playful banter and all of that was carried out with such ease and without a second thought.
And Bucky could see that none of the touches involved pain and if they were used to get someone to do something they were executed with care and love and a smile.
Bucky remembered that there had been a time when he had been very tactile himself, touching Steve to help him through an asthma attack, keeping him close when the fever hit, to drag him away from a fight, dancing with a pretty girl, but it felt so far away now. It seemed like that belonged to another life, one he couldn't have back now, no matter how good he was doing these days.
Bucky wasn't even sure he still knew how it worked, being touched with only good intentions, without pain, and he could only learn so much from watching the others.
He knew that Steve didn't touch him because of the promise he made on that first day and not because he didn't want to. Bucky could see it in the way Steve would sometimes extend his hand only to quickly pull it back again or how he would lean back from Bucky after he got seemingly too close while he explained something to him.
The others never tried to touch him. Bucky wasn't sure if it was because they were not comfortable with him or if they just tried to honour his personal space but none of them ever came close to touching him.
When they were all in the kitchen for breakfast the others kept a small distance to him, just enough space to not accidentally touch him and Bucky had been grateful for that in the beginning. He had been afraid that he would feel crowded with that many people around but that never happened and now he loathed that small space.
Bucky knew that he could ask for it, ask Steve to forget his promise and just touch him like he so obviously wanted all the time, ask the others to quit being so careful around him, but he couldn't open his mouth. Whenever he thought about asking for that, anything really, his throat just clamed up and he couldn't get the words out.
He wasn't used to getting things he wanted or even being allowed to voice them; he couldn't get his head around the fact that he wouldn't be punished if he asked for something and so he just stayed silent. He didn't know how to express himself in a different way other than voicing his wishes and so it stayed like this. No touching, ever.
The only one who actually came close to touching him was Tony when he worked on the arm. But he strictly stayed to the metal part, not even venturing to the seam where flesh met metal, and this was the closest that Bucky ever felt like he was back with Hydra. He's sitting on a chair, too many tools around him, and the only touch he ever got was where he didn't really want it.
The only difference was that Tony talked through it the whole time; first explaining what he was doing but when he realized that Bucky couldn't follow him he changed the topic to something meaningless and while Bucky was tense at the beginning he relaxed under the constant stream of words.
Tony also took extra care not to hurt Bucky with any of the repairs and that was so new that Bucky needed a few sessions before he started believing that this wasn't a coincident or a trick of some kind. When Bucky finally believed it he started watching Tony intently because while Steve was honouring his wishes, no one had ever actually gone out of their way to not hurt him.
But Tony was, Bucky could tell that once he started paying attention to it.
There were plans of his arm all over the workshop and before Tony started to work on the arm he called Bucky down to ask some questions which Bucky brushed off as a normal check-up; Hydra did that sometimes, interrogating him if the arm hurt or was damaged, and Bucky believed that that was exactly what Tony wanted to know.
He had asked about all the weak spots the arm had, where it hurt the most and Bucky had been wary, thought Tony would use that knowledge against him. That obviously didn't happen and now Bucky began to see that it was to keep him from being hurt by whatever Tony did.
After Bucky realized that it took another few days before he could actually believe it but then he just wanted Tony to touch him. If he took such good care of the metal arm Bucky was sure that Tony would do the same for the rest of his body.
But Tony never touched him, stayed meticulously clear of the seam and Bucky started to believe that it is after all his fault, that no one would want to touch him because of what he did, what he became.
Bucky watched Tony in interaction with the others and he realized that he was a very tactile person, always in contact with the others even if it served no purpose at all.
Bucky attended movie nights but he stayed on the side, claiming a single chair as his from where he could watch everyone, and where he wouldn't interrupt the normality of watching a movie. They had asked him to come join them on the couch once and Bucky obliged, but it had been stiff and unnatural because suddenly everyone was tense in their desire not to touch Bucky.
So now he kept his distance, content to just watch from the side and while everyone touched at least one other person Tony usually just sprawled all over the others.
One leg was thrown over Thor's lap who was sitting to Tony's left while Tony's head rested on Natasha's shoulder, who pretended to allow it but actually leaned a bit into it. Tony's right leg was thrown over Clint's shoulder who was sitting on the ground in front of the couch and who had his arm slung around the leg to lean against it.
This was usually how it went, Tony at least touching two of his teammates, and Bucky could not see the purpose of it. While his healing continued he began to suspect that it was purely for comfort without any ulterior motive and while he wanted that for himself he still didn't know how to ask for it.
Tony continued to not touch him, even though he had no such concerns with the others and Bucky thought that Tony couldn't get any comfort from touching him. That maybe Tony was too repulsed or afraid to enjoy it and it only made sense.
Bucky had killed so many people, killed Tony's parents, wrecked chaos around the world, let himself be used for unspeakable horrors and so it was no real surprise that Tony wouldn't want to touch that. Bucky could understand it.
It didn't change the fact that he still wanted it.
During his time at the tower Bucky learned to make decisions for himself, to not rely on the others anymore, and they encouraged him by always giving him options, no matter what, if it was about food or movies or doing something outside of the tower and Bucky slowly relearned how to choose for himself.
He also learned that it was okay to say 'No' if he didn't want something and after he figured that out he used it quite often. While he made good progress with those things he still wasn't able to ask for anything, so touching him was still not happening.
If one of the others would ask him if it was okay to touch him he would probably say yes, but it seemed like no one seemed to consider that and therefore no one asked. Bucky learned to live with it but he ached all over when someone would shy away from him, especially if it was Tony who clearly enough liked touching or Steve.
Bucky managed to live with the ache and he accepted the fact that no one would touch him except for the occasions where the metal arm was touched and he was sure he could live without it. He had done it with Hydra he could do it here.
Bucky was sitting in the kitchen when Tony approached him. "So, Barnes, wanna get a coffee? There's a new shop down the block, thought we could try it."
Bucky looked down at the cup of coffee he was currently holding and then looked at Tony again who shrugged.
"Yap, you're all set. Maybe some other time then" Tony said and started to fill his own cup.
Bucky knew that the team wanted to get him out of the tower more, to get him used to crowds again and they all took turns. Bucky had been grocery shopping with Bruce, he went with Steve to get new art supplies, he had accompanied Clint and Natasha to get some new furniture for their floors and Thor had dragged him out to get a hot dog.
He hadn't been out with Tony yet and while he liked the coffee in the tower and didn't see the sense of paying more money for it he thought that getting out of the tower today wouldn't be so bad. He had days where he felt trapped in it and on others he never wanted to leave, afraid of the world outside, but he felt good enough to leave today.
"Okay" he said when Tony was already leaving again and he turned around.
"Okay for some other time or okay for now?" he asked and looked expectantly at Bucky.
"Okay for now" he replied and Tony smiled at him.
"Great. Let's go then" he said and hastily put his mug back on the counter next to Bucky's.
It was a small coffee shop, not too many people were inside, and Bucky was thankful for that. He hated the Starbucks shops with their ever busy atmosphere but this shop seemed relaxed and calm somehow.
Still, they had too many coffees to choose from and in the end Tony had to narrow it down to two so that Bucky could choose more easily. They ordered and then went to the side to wait for their coffees, Bucky was not yet comfortable enough to sit down and drink it there. It didn't take long at all but when Tony reached for the cups all hell broke loose.
Something nearby exploded and glass and furniture came flying their way. Bucky dropped his coffee to reach for the knife he always had in his pants but he froze when hands reached for him.
Tony grabbed him by the shoulder, one hand over his head, and he tucked him close to shield him from a chair that came flying their way. It hit Tony right in the back and Tony just clung tighter to Bucky as if he was the priority right now.
When no more things came flying Tony let go of Bucky and whirled around to assess the situation. Bucky knew that he should move, do something to help, but he was frozen to the spot, too shocked to react right away.
This had been the first touch since he escaped the clutches of Hydra and while Tony had cling a bit too hard for it to be painless it had been with such good intentions that Bucky didn't know how to handle it.
He snapped back when someone started shooting at them, afraid because Tony was still standing right in front of Bucky, but when he got a clear look at the situation, he was relieved. Tony was already inside the armour that must have no doubt come from the tower and two of the guys who attacked them were now on the ground.
A third was currently making his way over to them, he came from the side, and Tony was still occupied with the one shooting at them. Bucky finally got his knife out and knocked the man approaching them from down.
Tony briefly looked over to him, as if to check that he was alright, and Bucky knew that he wasn't yet cleared for action, he wasn't even cleared to hold a gun, but he disliked being unarmed with a passion and no one really missed the kitchen knives he took.
He threw his knife when one of the remaining two guys lifted his gun and it hit him right in the neck. Tony took the last one out and not even five minutes after the explosion the fight was already over.
Tony lifted his face plate when he turned to Bucky. "You okay?" he asked and went over to get the knife Bucky had thrown. He returned it to Bucky who was surprised by that.
"I'm not allowed to carry a weapon."
"I didn't see a weapon" Tony said and winked at him and Bucky quickly hid the blade again, before Tony could change his mind.
"I wonder what they wanted" Tony asked and kneeled over one of the man to check for any obvious signs as to whom they belonged to.
Bucky could guess that they were after him but he didn't say anything. Instead he helped one of the customers who had a gushing cut on their arm. By the time the police and ambulances arrived Tony and Bucky had tended to all of the customers. Some had serious injuries but luckily no one was dead.
When they returned to the tower the others were all over them, asking questions and Steve kept a close eye on Bucky who felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny.
He quickly fled and made his way to his floor but while he waited for the elevator he could hear Tony say "Let him go, Steve. He did really well today. I don't think you have to worry."
Bucky quickly stepped into the elevator, glad that Steve seemed to listen to Tony and did not follow him and as soon as the doors closed he began to shake.
He had been touched. Someone had touched him and hadn't reacted badly to it in any way.
That thought occupied Bucky the rest of the week and he replayed the memory again and again only to find that he wanted it to happen again. He had wanted that the whole time but now that he actually knew what it felt like to be touched like this there was a desperate note to his wish.
He spend most of the days after the incident in the workshop, and while Tony had been surprised and told him that there wasn't a new upgrade he had for the arm, he had eventually accepted that Bucky just wanted to keep him company. Tony didn't seem to mind him, in fact he almost seemed delighted that Bucky came back every day, but he hadn't made a move to touch him again.
Bucky understood that it was nearly impossible when he stayed on the couch and Tony was working on something but even when there was the opportunity Tony kept his hands to himself.
When they were in the kitchen there was still that small safety space everyone seemed to keep around him and even when he did eventually work on the arm again Tony still never touched anything but the metal.
In the end it was Bucky who reached out for him, fully intending to clasp Tony's shoulder but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was like Steve, so obvious in his want to touch, but he never crossed the last inch either, always stopped himself.
And Tony never reacted to it. Bucky had thought that maybe he was just oblivious but in the end Bucky decided that that couldn't be. It was much more likely that Tony didn't say anything to encourage him because he didn't want to be touched by Bucky. That Tony was disgusted or afraid of him and the thing in the coffee shop had been nothing more than pure reflex.
After that thought found a place in Bucky's head he made a great effort to keep his hands to himself, to not let himself be tempted to touch Tony but it was always there, always in the back of his mind how easy it would be to just reach across and lay his hand on Tony's shoulder.
The only thing that kept Bucky from doing that was the surely disgusted face Tony would make once Bucky made contact and so he kept his hands at his side. He had lived so long without being touched he surely could do that again.
It didn't matter that he now knew what if felt like to be touched, to be embraced, and to feel the warmth of the other person.
But it didn't help that while Tony never touched him after that he was still tactile with the rest of the team. The only difference now was that Bucky knew how those hands felt on his arm, around his shoulders and he just wanted to feel that again.
He even attempted to ask Tony a few times but while he could talk to Tony more easily than to the rest of the team no sound had made it out of his mouth. He still didn't know how to ask that for himself, how to voice that one wish, even though he got so much better at asking for other things.
Bucky had thought about leaning in when Steve reached for him the next time, to show him that it was okay, but after the incident in the coffee shop he never thought of that again out of fear that once Steve would have touched him he would never want to do it again, just like Tony.
That decision didn't change anything in his life except that he began to accept the fact that even though he was doing so much better lately still no one wanted to touch him.
He joked with the others now, usually taking part in any group activity and while Steve sometimes seemed to just want to clap him on the back no one else made a move to do that and Bucky slowly began to accept that if he wanted to be part of the team he had to refrain from touching anyone so that no one would become disgusted with him.
He had done it before and he was sure that he could do it again, especially if it meant he could stay with the team. It was a small price to pay.
I hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to point out any mistakes.