Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Digimon characters, situations, etc., etc. I do not own Mr. Bean, on which this fic is based. Nor do I own any of the things mentioned, i.e. Troll dolls, Game Boy Advance, Ken Hidaka, Sonic the Hedgehog, or the Catholic Church.


NOTES: This is meant in NO WAY to make fun of any religion or religious organization. I myself am Catholic, so why would I be making fun of my own religion? It's just presented as a story about the trouble you can get into with unfamiliar things.


Dedication: For my cousin Liz (mysticVigil), who saw Mr. Bean Goes To Church, died laughing, and returned from the dead to demand I write a story about Daisuke going to church. So, Liz - may your Muses never leave you; may your computer never crash; may your printer never run out of ink; and may you continue to support me in everything I do. I love you for it, doll.



~Daisuke Goes To Church~



It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning in Odiaba. The sun shone down on the wonderfully green grass of the soccer field in the park; how Daisuke longed to be there, playing soccer under that bright blue sky, maybe getting Ken and Taichi to join him... perhaps Tai would bring his sister Hikari along... and maybe, just maybe, Ken and Daisuke's latest idol, Ken Hidaka, would show up to watch....

But that wasn't going to happen. None of it was going to happen, Daisuke thought angrily, as he wrestled with his tie in front of his bedroom mirror. Not this Sunday. Because this weekend was the weekend of his grandparents' return to Japan after a three-week cruise of the Bahamas, and their greatest wish on their homecoming was to take Daisuke, his parents, and his sister Jun to church.

Daisuke! Are you ready yet?! Jun bellowed from the living room. Gramma says we're going to be late!

Cursing every religion in the world under his breath, Daisuke gave his tie a final tweak, looked longingly at his goggles (which his mother had flat-out refused to let him wear), and trudged down the hall to the living room, where the other Motomiyas were waiting impatiently for him, dressed in their best.

There's my little Dai-kun! Gramma Motomiya pinched Daisuke's cheeks. Doesn't he look handsome in his little suit!

Jun giggled behind her hand and Daisuke glared at her as she mouthed Daikon' to him from behind their grandmother's back. She'd never let him forget that, would she?

I am NOT a radish! he hissed to her as they climbed into Mr. Motomiya's car.

Stop fighting, you two, Mrs. Motomiya snapped. We're on our way to church!

Unfortunately,' Daisuke thought, leaning his forehead against the window and sighing unhappily. He felt like crying when they passed the park, the soccer field almost calling out to Daisuke.

Daisuke... Daisuke... come play on me... come dig up my grass with your cleats... come roll under the bleachers with Ichijouji....

I - am - not - GAY, stupid soccer field! Daisuke yelled.

Erm - Daisuke?

Daisuke realised his entire family (sans Dad, who was watching the road) was staring at him. Uh - yes?

Who are you talking to?

Daisuke muttered, flushing beet-red and looking back out the window. To his relief, the soccer field was out of sight.

Jun was still giggling ten minutes later when Mr. Motomiya pulled into the church parking lot. He hunted in vain to find a parking space, but it looked like every one was taken. Sighing, Mr. Motomiya drove around the whole lot twice before seeing what looked like an available space between two enormous SUV's. Smiling, he backed the car into it.

*CRUNCH*

As the family got out of the car, wondering what that noise had been, their eyes rested on a small, blue, three-wheeled car, now parked directly across the path to the church. They all glared at Mr. Motomiya, who chuckled in embarrassment, one hand behind his head.

Oops... didn't know it was there... He herded his family towards the church. If we hurry, no one'll see us and figure out who it was....


Daisuke gazed all around as the Motomiyas filed into church and took a seat in one of the front-row pews. The church was very beautiful; the stained-glass windows sent rainbows glittering across the peacock-blue carpet, and golden cherubs seemed to be scattered everywhere. The altar was a solid block of white marble, draped with a white cloth. It was all very nice, Daisuke thought, but not really to his tastes. He slumped down in his seat and looked around at his parents and grandparents. None of them were paying any attention to him, so Daisuke reached into his pocket and drew out a Troll doll to play with. This particular Troll had a large, puffy purple afro.

I'm a Troll man.... bum bum bum... I'm a Troll... man... Daisuke sang under his breath, making the Troll dance. Get down.... let's boogie.... I'm a Troll... Man....

Mrs. Motomiya leaned over and snatched the Troll away from her son. I don't want you playing with something that has such awful hair, she said, shaking her head at the doll. Awful, awful hair.

Daisuke felt like crying. How could his mother say the Troll had awful hair?! It looked just like HIS hair!

But before he could get too depressed, the organist began playing loudly enough to shake dust from the cherubs near the ceiling. Everyone stood and began to sing as the priest and the altar servers came down the aisle. Daisuke grabbed a hymnal and opened it, then did a double take. The entire song was written in LATIN!

With a gulp, Daisuke began to hum along with the song, only singing the chorus really loud, like this: Hmmm.. hmm... mmmm.... ALLELUIAH! ALLELUIAH!!! .... hmm... hhm, mmm..... ALLELUIAH! ALLELUIAH!!!

The song ended abruptly, leaving Daisuke to scream as everybody else sat. Blushing beet-red, Daisuke sat down quickly and slumped low in his seat to keep people from staring at him. His grandmother leaned over to poke him, and Daisuke straightened up. He swung his legs and looked around the church, toning out the priest, who was saying the whole Mass in Latin! His mind drifted back to soccer and he sighed unhappily as he imagined Taichi and the Kens playing soccer as Hikari watched. Truly, church was the most boring thing ever invented!

Sneaking a glance at his family, Daisuke smiled when he realised they were all absorbed in what the priest was saying. Slowly, he dug his Game Boy Advance out of his pocket.

Now, Daisuke had been trying to play Sonic The Hedgehog 3 on his GBA for a month. But so far, he had failed to get past the second part of the Hydrocity Zone. Determined, he began the game, earning himself five extra lives and two continues in the first level. But then... THEN.... it was time for the Hydrocity Zone.

he muttered as he ran out of air and died.

as he fell on some spikes and died.

as Tails ate his last air bubble and he died.

And on it went until he was on his last life, with no more continues.

But then he discovered a shortcut which kept him out of the water and out of danger! Excited, Daisuke pushed further on, collecting rings and letting Tails die every few minutes. Finally! He had reached Robotnik! But just as he reached the side of the screen, the ground collapsed, sending his Sonic tumbling into the poison, and he died!

GAME OVER, the screen proclaimed.

Daisuke shrieked, jumping to his feet and tearing at his hair. No, no, NO! It's all Tails' fault!!! He ate all my air bubbles!!!

Then he realised everyone in the entire church was staring at him. The priest had stopped in the middle of the Mass and was glaring at him. Likewise, his parents looked ready to kill him. Daisuke sank into his seat and handed his GBA over to his mother without comment. He watched as she thrust it into her handbag, knowing he wouldn't see it again until he was forty or so.

Now with nothing left in his pockets to occupy his mind, Daisuke sat quietly, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the giant cross hanging behind the altar. He was so bored he felt as if he was going to drop dead at any moment. It was like being numb, or paralyzed, or something. He could almost feel his brains leaking out of his ears.

Then his nose twitched without warning.

Frantically, Daisuke began digging through his pockets in search of a tissue. Where was it? He knew he had at least one... his nose twitched again and began to tingle.... sticking one finger under his nose to stifle the sneeze, Daisuke continued to search... but it was no use.....

he sneezed, trying to stifle the sound in his cupped hand, the other still burrowing around in his jacket pocket. As everyone stared at him for what felt like the hundredth time that day, Daisuke wished he could shrink to microscopic size. Once everyone went back to listening to the priest, Daisuke took his hand away from his face.

Eurgh. He wrinkled his nose in disgust, as he finally located that renegade tissue and pulled it out. After he was done scrubbing his face and hand off with it, it had to be the most disgusting tissue in existence. Hurriedly, Daisuke pushed it deep into his pocket, reminding himself to throw it away ASAP.

His nose finally satisfied with embarrassing him as much as possible, Daisuke resumed twiddling his thumbs and trying to stay awake as the priest droned on. His eyelids began to droop. Then his head dropped onto his shoulder and he began to snore.

Sitting beside him was an old man. The old man glanced at Daisuke, annoyed, as the sleeping teenager slowly began listing to the port side. As Daisuke slid sideways, the old man was forced to lean over as well, to keep the snoring, drooling kid off him. But just as the old man felt as if his spine was going to snap, Daisuke straightened up quickly, with a snort.

He blinked. Still in church. Oh well, then, better not make this a complete waste of time. He closed his eyes again and was asleep almost immediately. He started leaning forward, sliding off his seat onto his knees. Once again, the priest stopped in the middle of what he was saying and everyone stared at the sleeping stupid kid with the purple afro. By now, Daisuke was sprawled on his stomach, snoring to wake the dead. His mother, embarrassed beyond belief, kicked him hard in the ankle. Daisuke yelped, woke up, looked around, and scrambled back to his seat, grinning sheepishly.

The priest resumed his yammering. Daisuke pressed a hand to his stomach. He was hungry - the Motomiyas hadn't had breakfast yet. They were planning on going out to brunch after church.

*GRUMBLE!!* Daisuke's tummy wouldn't let him alone. Putting his hand in one of his pockets (one of the ones NOT containing a nasty tissue), he pulled out a piece of candy. Smiling, he started to take the wrapper off.

*crinkle.*

The old man beside Daisuke gave the kid a suspicious look. Daisuke hid the candy against his leg and pretended to be interested in the sermon until the old man faced front once more. Then he went back to trying to open the candy slowly.

*Crinkle!*

The slower he went, the more noise he seemed to make!

*CRINKLE!*

His mother's head turned sharply at the sound as Daisuke ripped the wrapper off the sweet. Pretending to hide a yawn, he tried his best not to look suspicious. Once his mother faced forward, Daisuke smacked his lips in anticipation and raised the candy to his mouth. But...


BUUUMMM BUMM BUM BUM!!!!!

Daisuke squealed, jumping as the organist pounded out a few furious notes and everyone stood. The candy soared out of Daisuke's fingers and disappeared. He watched it go with considerable sorrow, until a sharp elbow in his ribs made him jump to his feet. Everyone was glaring at him. It was time to go up for communion.

Mrs. Motomiya nudged her son up the aisle, scowling. Daisuke approached the priest, trying to ignore the way the priest's moustache was twitching in annoyance. He stretched out his hands and took one more step -



Daisuke's foot slipped on the escaped sweet, sending him flying. He crashed headlong into the priest, who stumbled, tripped on the hem of his robes, and fell as well. The gold dish slipped out of his hands, raining hosts down on the priest and Daisuke. The entire congregation froze as the priest struggled to his feet, gawking at the scattered hosts.

He's a demon! an old man in the back of the church shrieked. Let's sacrifice him to our God!

Apologizing profusely, Mr. Motomiya seized his son by the shoulders and steered him back to his seat as others knelt to help the priest collect the hosts. He gritted his teeth. Just - wait - until - we - get - HOME, he ground out, as the priest went to get some new hosts.

Sorry, Dad - whoops!

Daisuke slipped on the stupid candy AGAIN, knocking over the baptismal font! Holy water splashed over everyone, soaking everyone's feet and puddling all over the rug. The priest, who had just returned from fetching new hosts, shrieked furiously. He started forward, probably to wring Daisuke's neck, but slipped in a puddle and went flying. The second dish of hosts spilled out of his hands and landed in a puddle.

Daisuke scooped the sweet up. There you are!

YOUNG MAN!

He looked up. The congregation had formed a ring around him, all with murder in their eyes. Daisuke gulped as they closed in, and stuck the candy in his pocket - forgetting about the boogery tissue.

*SQUISH.*

Daisuke burst into tears. THIS IS THE WORST SUNDAY EVER!



THE END!



(A/N: Another by-product of my demented imagination. I guess it could've been worse...)


(A/N 2 : For anyone who doesn't know... daikon' is the big white radish used in Japanese cooking.)