A/N: Okay, so maybe I am kind of annoyed today. This is about the Three Little Pigs, but there are a couple of twists along with a couple of innuendos. Please don't take offense.
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, there lived a wonderful family of pigs. There was a Daddy Pig and a Mommy Pig and a Big Brother Pig and a Baby Brother Pig and a Sister Pig. One day, after Daddy Pig got home from work, Sister Pig decided to make dinner for her family.
BABY BROTHER PIG
Seriously? She can't cook.
SISTER PIG
Hey!
NARRATOR
Ahem.
BABY BROTHER PIG
What?
NARRATOR
Are you quite finished?
BABY BROTHER PIG
Yes.
NARRATOR
Thank you. Anyway- Sister Pig decided that she was to make dinner for her family. Sister Pig was very partial to the grassy knoll across the pasture. Unfortunately, they were out of grass from the grassy knoll. So Sister Pig put on her yellow cap and went to the grassy knoll to get some of the yummy grass.
SISTER PIG
Are you kidding me? The grassy knoll was overrun with toxic waste products due to pollution and littering ages ago.
NARRATOR
No it wasn't.
SISTER PIG
Fine then, you go try some.
NARRATOR
Can you just put on your yellow cap and cooperate, please?
SISTER PIG
That's no fun.
NARRATOR
Just do it. (SISTER PIG does.) Thank you. As I was saying- Sister Pig was going to the grassy knoll on the other side of the pasture to get some yummy grass. On the way to the grassy knoll, Sister Pig ran into a very attractive and dangerous looking wolf. The wolf was attractive and amazing. He was probably the most attractive and dangerous and amazing thing that Sister Pig had ever seen.
SISTER PIG
Actually, he's quite repulsive looking.
NARRATOR
Is not!
BABY BROTHER PIG
Yeah, Sister Pig, don't you always go to the grassy knoll just so you can see Wolf everyday?
SISTER PIG
Oh, I so do not!
BABY BROTHER PIG
Yes you do.
NARRATOR
Would you two give it a rest for twelve seconds?
SISTER PIG
Fine.
BABY BROTHER PIG
Okey-dokey.
NARRATOR
(Imitating an attractive, amazing, dangerous wolf voice) Hello there, little piggy. What's your name?
WOLF
Hey! I don't sound that nasally!
BABY BROTHER PIG
(Under her breath) Wanna bet?
WOLF
I sound seductive and sexy and attractive and amazing and dangerous.
BABY BROTHER PIG
No, you sound like an idiot.
WOLF
Watch it, Porky.
BABY BROTHER PIG
That's Mr. Porky to you.
NARRATOR
Please! Stop acting like petulant children!
BABY BROTHER PIG
What does petulant mean?
WOLF
Stupid pork.
SISTER PIG
Excuse me?
WOLF
Oh, babe, I didn't mean you.
SISTER PIG
Shut up.
NARRATOR
Thank you. ANY way- Sister Pig knew that it was wrong to talk to strangers. So she ignored Wolf and continued on her way to the grassy knoll.
WOLF
Actually, she did talk to me.
SISTER PIG
Actually, Wolf, I do like this story so far. So shut up. I want to hear the rest of it.
NARRATOR
Ha, ha. I win.
WOLF
It was never a contest.
BABY BROTHER PIG
Only the losers say that.
NARRATOR
When Sister Pig got to the grassy knoll, she ran into her older brother, Big Brother Pig. Big Brother Pig was very smart because he always listened to what everyone said.
BIG BROTHER PIG
And that is why I want to know what my sister was doing talking to the big, bad wolf?!
SISTER PIG
Oh please. That's all a bloody act. He's not so bad. In fact, if he would wash himself at least once a week, he'd be quite presentable.
WOLF
Notice she left the big part alone.
BIG BROTHER PIG
Oh, she better have.
SISTER PIG
Don't worry, Big Brother Pig. (Under her breath) When was the last time a tootsie roll was considered big?
BIG BROTHER PIG
Wolf has tootsie rolls?
WOLF
Hey!
NARRATOR
At one point this was meant to be a children's story.
SISTER PIG
… Your point?
NARRATOR
You could at least try to keep it clean.
SISTER PIG
No. You keep littering and ruining my grassy knoll. I'm going to ruin your story.
NARRATOR
Oh, I would like to see you try.
SISTER PIG
Fine. I will.
NARRATOR
Bring it, pig.
SISTER PIG
Once upon a time there was a dysfunctional family living in the middle of the ghetto where the city didn't care about what happened to the area. Because of this, the area became a dumping ground for toxic waste and trash. The water was infected, and could not be drunk. So everyone drank alcohol, because let's face it, at least that's clean! The family of five, mom, dad, and three kids (two of which had questionable paternal units) all lived in a one bedroom house. Big Brother was a homophobic homosexual who sold drugs on the side to support his constant nights at Chippendales. Sister was a teenage mother who had gotten pregnant at a party as the after effects of a very exotic one night stand. Although she can't quite remember the details, Baby Brother, who was constantly tracking everyone's lives often enjoyed chiding her about a model airplane. Baby Brother had his own problems. He was a mistake, and his conception was the reason for the eventual parent's divorce. And everyone lived happily ever after. The END.
NARRATOR
What the hell was that?
BABY BROTHER PIG
Careful language, Narrator dude. There are children present.
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