What happens when a documentary team is sent to interview members of both the First Order and the Resistance? Awkwardness, sword fights, and LOTS of pining ensues, that's what! Follow the adventures of a wily camera-bot as it navigates the pitfalls and general shenanigans of the inhabitants of a galaxy far, far away.

This was inspired by the writer, Mtothedestiel's, great series: Love, Sex and Paperwork (of the Captain America fandom) on AO3. It's an incredible and hilarious series that follows a small town's Parks and Recreation department but with Avengers as its characters (genius). I absolutely loved how the writer setup the stories like a script/screenplay and I thought it would be fun to apply that format to the Star Wars Universe.

This is set after The Force Awakens and is divergent from The Last Jedi.

Uploading this story from my AO3 account. Hope you enjoy!

[On a classified moon-planet, deep in the Resistance base, General Organa watches a shuttlecraft gently set down in the hangar bay. A short, weedy young man exits the craft. Behind him, a round camera-bot, roughly the size of a beelpop melon, floats after him, it's dull finish matching the man's sandy colored hair.]

Interviewer: [shakes] the General's hand So nice to meet you, General. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to interview you and your crew.

Leia: Certainly. [smiles] When I heard your network was featuring a documentary on the First Order, I thought it might be a good idea to open up our operations as well. Offer a counter view, if you will.

Interviewer: Of course, General.

[General Organa ushers the interviewer through a row of spacecrafts, then into a bright metallic tunnel.]

Interviewer: [pulls up next to Leia] [hesitates] I must ask...I've been dying to know. [grins] Is it true, for a short period of time, you were once captive to a [pulls a small notepad out of his pocket] Jabba the Hutt of Tatooine? It was reported that you were forced to wear some very provocative unmentionables made of metal and leather?

Leia: I'm a military leader who's spent most of her life fighting against oppressive regimes and that's the question you want to ask me?

Interviewer: [blinks innocently and smiles bigger] Yes!

Leia: [mutters] Force, help me...

[General Hux is leading the interviewer and camera-bot through the bridge of the massive Star Destroyer, the Finalizer.]

Hux: [smirks] I worked with the most prestigious architects in all the galaxy to design a bridge both equally functional and beautiful.

Interviewer: [smiles] It is most impressive, sir.

Hux: It is glorious. [runs a gloved hand over the gleaming control panel] As you can see here, we have top of the line navigational and operational systems. Easily the most—w-wait, what is this?! [brushes a finger over the panel] Is this—a smudge? [calls out] Okay, people, this is not...I-I can't! [mutters] The lack of respect...[slightly hysterical] This isn't some two-bit, omega-class frigate! [rubs frantically]

[Rey enters a small, shaded courtyard just outside the Resistance control room. She sits down across from the interviewer, wiping her hands on her pants. She smiles and waves at the camera-bot hovering next to the interviewer.]

Interviewer: So, Rey, how do you like Jedi training?

Rey: [nods her head] It's great! Really, really great. I love learning about the force and all the Jedi fighting styles. And lightsabers are [smiles widely] so cool! There's a lot of meditating. Like, a lot of meditating, which is...great. [scrunches her face] The meditating can get a little dull though...but still REALLY GREAT!

Interviewer: Well, Master Skywalker is a legend and after all these years, for him to finally take on another apprentice—it must be very exciting.

Rey: Oh, it is. There's tons of stuff I'm learning! [raises a hand] I can stack rocks like a pro now—like 20 rocks high! [grins at the camera]

[An imposing, masked Kylo Ren sweeps into the interview room on the Finalizer. He sits down heavily, his breaths echoing loudly through his mask filter.]

Interviewer: [swallows nervously] How is everything, sir?

Kylo: [is silent for 8.27 seconds] It's [bleep] fantastic! How do you think it's [bleep] going? Our Starkiller base was blown up! That thing cost a [bleep] fortune to build. We lost thousands of troops. I got shot in the gut. And I was [his breathing intensifies and a cup on the table starts to tremble ominously] bested...temporarily bested, by some scavenger girl from the planet No One Gives A [bleep] About!

Interviewer: How is it being reunited with the Resistance again?

Rey: [eyes light up] I absolutely love it! I mean, I have friends now! I was alone growing up so to have people who want to spend time with me is an absolute dream. I mean, our reunion is a little bit dampened by our impending mission [she mimes zipping up her lips] that's all very classified, but it's great! [looks into the camera and raises her hands and does spirit-fingers] I HAVE FRIENDS!

Interviewer: And how does it feel to see Finn again?

Rey: I LOVE Finn! He is my best friend after all. I mean, I thought there might be a little something there at first—a little chemistry—when we first met, but I may have misread the signs since, you know, I never actually spent any real time around anyone before. He's such a lovely person and then he met Poe and [clasps her hands together] it was just magic. They are so cute together!

Interviewer: Yes, they seem very happy.

Rey: I know, right? I mean, sometimes they kind of go at it and start snogging like crazy and it's like, [talks from the side of her mouth] settle down, guys, we're in the mess hall. [grins] But really I am very happy for them. [looks off into the distance] It would be awfully nice to fall in love with someone. I mean, for someone who isn't a Jedi, of course, since we're not allowed to do [smiles awkwardly] that sort of thing.

Interviewer: [shifts uncomfortably, the silence is deafening] Uh, so how—

Kylo: [blurts] Do you think I don't know what everyone is saying about me behind my back? That I was beaten by...her. [points his finger at the camera and it trembles] I'll have you know, I was shot in the gut! Did I mention that already? [pounds on his stomach] and hisses In the gut!

Interviewer: Yes. In the gut. [jiggles knee] Which is a debilitating injury.

Kylo: Exactly! They're all like, He's trained for decades and she's only used the force for, like, a few hours? And, he got his ass kicked by a girl? And you know what I say to that? [points at the camera again] So the [bleep] what if she's a girl? Women are just as strong and wily as men and you can shove that sexist bullshit up your [bleep] [bleep], you [bleep] [bleep]!

Hux: Oh, was he whining about people talking behind his back again? [rolls eyes] Yeah, three people may have said some stuff and you know what happened? [puts his hand to his throat and makes choking sounds] Yes, that happened. Dude's a psychopath. [smiles at the camera]

Interviewer: You may have heard that Rey is training with your...uncle.

Kylo: [sulks] Yes. I felt it in the Force. She's an incredible grumbles talent. A natural. She'd make a glorious Ren knight—clever, tough, resourceful, gorgeous...uh, I mean...

Interviewer: What? What was that last part?

Kylo: Nothing. I didn't say anything...

Interviewer: I'm pretty sure—

Kylo: You'd...you'd have to be blind not to [clears throat] not to notice that she's very, you know, kind of...pretty? I'm just saying, [shifts in his seat] she's nice to look at. I mean that in a very clinical way, of course!

Interviewer: Of course.

Kylo: [breathes loudly] Is it hot in here? It's pretty hot in here, right? [yanks off mask, looking red-faced]

Interviewer: I guess?

Interviewer: You know, we're also interviewing the First Order?

Rey: [frowns] Yes, I heard.

Interviewer: We're talking with General Hux and Captain Phasma and also Kylo Ren.

Rey: [curls her lip] Kylo? Ugh, I HATE that guy. If I ever see him again...[makes a throat slashing motion]

Interviewer: I'm sure you already know this, sir, but we're also doing a piece on the Resistance as well.

Kylo: Yes, I'm aware. You know I'm going to have to interrogate you later on their whereabouts.

Interviewer: [starts hyperventilating] Well, s-sir, I'm sure—

Kylo: I'm just playin', man. They've already moved their base, my mother's too smart for that. But I may interrogate you just for kicks. [winks at the camera]

Interviewer: [laughs nervously] Yes, your reputation of interrogation is legendary, sir.

Kylo: [smirks] It's pretty awesome! No one can resist my powers of suggestion. If I wanna know something, I know it. [smile slips from his face] Well, except with...Rey. She's really glowers quite powerful when it comes to the mind stuff. In my defense, I was a little off my game when I questioned her. It took forever for her to wake up when I took her. I know this because I watched her while she was unconscious. [glances at the camera] Not in a creepy way, of course. I watched her in a VERY non-creepy way. Maybe 45 minutes tops.

Rey: [still ranting about Kylo] And then, after all that, if I still have a little more time, I'm going to dip him, upside down, in a vat of boiling Fartnat oil. [gives the camera knowing look] And we all know how hot that can get. If he's still alive after that, I'm going to—

Kylo: You know she gave me this scar. [points to a barely there mark on his face] Skin-grafting technologies have a come a long way, but it's impossible to completely get rid of a lightsaber scar. Got one on my shoulder and leg too. I think it makes me look like a badass, [shrugs] I mean, more than I already am. But I think it's [smiles] kinda cool that she marked me up, you know, all over my body.

Interviewer: Oh...

Kylo: [smile slips from his face] Did that sound weird? That sounded weird, didn't it?

Rey: —chop him up into tiny little pieces. Now this is the part I'm not sure of: do I feed those pieces to a swarm of tiny, disease-ridden vermin or a giant, disgusting, slobbering beast?

Interviewer: [twists hands] Nothing weird about that! Not at all. I think a lot of people would be pretty excited for Rey to mark them—

Kylo: [narrows eyes the cup on the table trembles then explodes, spraying liquid everywhere]

Interviewer: [blurts] Except me, of course! Definitely not me.

Kylo: [inclines his head] You've spoken with Rey. I can...sense it. She's no longer in hiding with my uncle.

Interviewer: Yes, we've interviewed her as well.

Kylo: Did she...did she mention me?

Interviewer: Kind of?

Kylo: [stares daggers at the interviewer]

Interviewer: I mean, yes, a little.

Kylo: What did...[sits up straighter] What did she say?

Interviewer: [swallows nervously] She may have said she hated your guts. Maybe.

Kylo: Oh.

Interviewer: Well...she may have mentioned how she'd like to, uh...

Kylo: Yes?

Interviewer: She may, you know, um...

Kylo: [sighs loudly] Don't make me force it out of you, man.

Interviewer: She said a lot of different things but the gist of it is, [flips through notes I quote] if I ever see him again, I'm going to take my lightsaber and stab him in the crotch with it, end quote.

Kylo: Wow. Descriptive. In the crotch, huh? [crosses legs] That's not very Jedi-like behavior.

Rey: [huffs] I know I'm supposed to let go of my hate and all—Master Luke says I have to but it's so hard when it comes to that arseface! His parents are Han and Leia! His uncle is Luke Skywalker! He grew up learning to shoot from Chewbacca for Force's sake. He hit the family jackpot! I didn't have any of that growing up. The closest thing I had to a parental figure was a Xuerilian lizard that lived under my bunk [stares into the camera] and they're bloody poisonous.

Kylo: [pouts, muttering] I can't believe she wants to...[recrosses his legs] and in the crotch, no less.

Interviewer: How does Master Skywalker suggest you let go of this hate?

Rey: [crosses her arms and grumbles under her breath]

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Rey: [purses her lips] Master Luke says to focus on something good about the person but since there's nothing good about him, therein lies the problem.

Interviewer: So, you can't find anything about him you admire?

Rey: Well, I guess his lightsaber is okay. [sighs heavily] Fine, there may be one thing...

Kylo: Did she think of anything positive to say about me?

Interviewer: [flips through several pages of notes] Ah, here it is. She said, and I quote, he has nice hair.

Kylo: [raises his eyebrows] I have...nice hair. That's what she said?

Interviewer: Yes, sir.

Kylo: [rubs his chin thoughtfully] [mutters] Okay. Okay. [nods and whispers to himself] She thinks I have nice hair.

Rey: If I ever get my hands on him. I'm going to take my lightsaber and shear off all that thick, dark hair from his annoying head. [crosses her arms and snorts] He'll look utterly ridiculous. The bloody wanker.

Interviewer: Oookay...

Rey: [starts to look self-conscious] Uh...It's not like I think about him all that much—like at all. Just sometimes, I guess. [smiles awkwardly] Em, are we done here? I should probably... [she stands and casts a nervous look toward the camera before scurrying away]

Interviewer: [mutters under his breath] What the [bleep] was that about?

Kylo: [looks into the camera and points to his head, smiling softly] She likes my hair. [he calls over his shoulder] MY HAIR, GUYS! [no one is around and he turns and faces the camera again, a huge grin on his face] Yep, she likes something about me. [stifles a smile] Uh, what I mean is, maybe someday she'll be open to being my, uh...student, yeah, my student. [glances away]

Author's Notes: This is pretty much the tone for the rest of the fic, crack and awkwardness (I'm so sorry). Going to upload all of it at the same time. Might be some time breaks in between chapters because I've had to rework each chapter. For some reason FanFiction doesn't like the symbols used to describe the scene and expressions so I had to change them to this: [ ]. It's taking some time to fix all of them. Also, there may be some mistakes even tho I tried my best to catch them. My apologies in advance. I really hope you enjoy reading this :)