14/06/2011 15:30:00

I, known as DarkLozFanUberest, wrote this, and later had a few friends act it out. It was funny for the ones who had read these two books, and not so much for those who hadn't. That's okay though, the actors and others enjoyed and appreciated this, and I was satisfied with that~! I do not own Algernon, St. John or the their respective books, but I do own a majority of the plot in this little tête-à-tête. I hope you enjoy. =D Oh, and Theatre class ROX!

The Importance of Being Earnest and Jane Eyre Crossover

Created by DarkLozFanUberest

Vainglory meets Irony

Two men sit across from another. One, Algernon, is eating something and completely ignoring the other as the second, St. John, stares at the first, expectantly.

Algernon:

(eating, completely ignoring his guest)

(pauses to wipe mouth then continues eating)

St. John:

(raises eyebrow and continues staring, waiting patiently)

Algernon:

(finishes chewing and pauses to reach for something else)

St. John:

(interrupting Algernon)

Excuse me.

Algernon:

(is startled slightly and looks up in surprise)

What?

St. John:

I said, excuse me.

Algernon:

(blinks at second confused, then slowly)

Oh, um…you're excused.

St. John:

(sighs deeply)

That is not quite what I meant, sir.

Algernon:

(frowns in confusion)

Oh? Well, whatever did you mean…uh, sir.

St. John:

St. John.

Algernon:

(extremely confused)

What?

(slowly, holding word)

No, my name, my good man, is Algernon

(lifts head, pride-fully)

St. John:

(tightly)

I am quite aware of that, Algernon. Myname is St. John; I am a minister.

Algernon:

(blinks, not really paying attention)

Oh.

(glances around slightly then looks back to St. John)

And?

St. John:

(stares darkly at Algernon for a moment, taking a deep breath and speaking tightly and deliberately)

Forgive me for presuming you had forgotten, good. sir.

Algernon:

(nods head to St. John, with a smug smile)

You are forgiven. I can't possibly hold a grudge against such a holy man such as you, ahem, my good sir.

St. John:

(closes eyes momentarily and takes another deep breath, forcibly calm and smiling)

Why Thank You.

Algernon:

(still smiling, takes a bite of food and chewing, dismissively)

But of course.

(continues chewing, rather loudly)

St. John:

(grimaces at him and frowns in disapproval)

(To self)

What shameless, Epicureanism is this?

Algernon:

(pleasantly, though slightly muffles as his mouth is full)

Wha wa zjat? Didjuu shay shomethin Shijuu?

St. John:

(smiles fakely)

Not a thing, sir.

(airily)

You must be hearing things.

Algernon:

(shrugs uncaring)

Hm.

(swallows, and continues to eat)

St. John:

(frustrated, to self)

This man is at a complete disregard of the proper conduct towards guests! Does he not realize we have important business to attend to?

Algernon:

(frowns and glances up at St. John, putting down food)

Now see here, sir!

St. John:

(starts)

Algernon:

It's occurred to me that you have been most rude!

St. John:

(confused)

How so, sir?

Algernon:

(pouting slightly)

You never answered my question.

St. John:

(angrily to himself)

His question?

(to Algernon, seemingly only confused)

What question is that, sir?

Algernon:

You had said-

(pause for a beat and look down, trying to remember)

You said that…

(remembering, he brightens and raises finger in an "Aha!" sort of way, nodding head)

You told me your name.

St. John:

(turns head a little, confused)

I'm…not sure I understand.

Algernon:

(waving his hand for St. John to be quiet)

You told me your name, which I already obviously knew, being the overly educated man that I am, and then didn't tell me why this partaking of information was of any importance when I asked you so!

St. John:

(looking astounded, silent for a beat)

(in an incredulous tone)

Do you not know who I am, sir?

Algernon:

(looking annoyed now, picks up biscuit)

Of course I do! You've told me, now, thrice in fact! You are St. John!

St. John:

(suspiciously, but coaxingly)

But what is my profession?

Algernon:

(huffs indignantly, not intending for St. John to hear)

Well, you certainly aren't being a very congenial guest, that's for sure.

St. John:

(frowns at Algernon, silently)

Algernon:

(groans)

How ever could I know a thing like that? You haven't graced me with such informative information as of yet.

St. John:

(smirks to self, and chuckles quietly)

Algernon:

(glaring)

Well?

St. John:

(smiling, almost coquettishly)

Well, what?

Algernon:

(angrily)

Do you plan on telling me you're oh-so-important profession anytime soon?

(looks away, nose in the air, eyes closed)

I am quite hungry and intend to leave immediately for dinner.

St. John:

(amused, though incredulously, to self)

Dinner? This man has already indulged himself enough to damn a dozen men! How can he possibly be thinking of dinner?

Algernon:

(turns back to St. John, expectantly)

Ahem.

St. John:

I am a minister, sir, I have already told you this-

Algernon:

(looks up surprised, and cutting him off)

A minister, you say?

St. John:

(irritated, holding the word)

Yes.

(to self)

Hmph. This man obviously has no respect for anyone other than himself!

(with a note of finality)

And my respect has always been gained through proper conduct, which Algernon is highly wanting of, so he shall have none it.

Algernon:

(happily)

Say now, I've been meaning to see one of those! You see, my good friend-

St. John:

(frustrated, cutting him off)

Yes, yes, I know. You're good friend Bunbury, sir, I know of him, in fact, you have told me much of him already.

Algernon:

(confused)

I have?

St. John:

(wearily with a nod)

Excessively so. If I were to publish all the knowledge I have gathered of this Bunbury fellow, I would have already become a thrice published author on just his preferences alone!

(to himself)

Not to say that anyone would actually read such rubbish, but…that aside…

Algernon:

(looking a little irritated and nonplussed)

Oh…well then…um…perhaps I should check up on my good friend now, you shall already know how insalubrious the fellow has been-

St. John:

(steepling his fingers and giving Algernon an unconvinced look)

Mm, Quite.

Algernon:

(beginning to shift uncomfortably)

Yes, well…

(suddenly stands, and quickly in a forced cheerful way)

Well! I must be off! Bunbury won't wait you know!

(clears his throat nervously and makes his way towards offstage)

St. John:

(raising an eyebrow at him)

Oh? And you intend to leave without us having dealt with dear Bunbury's quandary?

Algernon:

(hesitates)

And what quandary might that be, sir?

(rambling)

You know you shouldn't ask such vague questions when there are dinners to attend and-

St. John:

(cutting him off)

And the fact that Bunbury is, in fact, dead?

Algernon:

(startled)

I beg your pardon?

St. John:

(nods to him, dismissively)

You are.

(standing as well)

Permit me to quote you on a prior statement of yours, kind sir, "Bunbury is dead…I killed him this afternoon."

Algernon:

(upset, looks around quickly as though expecting someone to have heard, and makes hushing motions)

(quietly)

I say! I must ask you to cease that nonsensicalness! Do you wish to disparage me to the status of a murderer?

St. John:

(demandingly)

Aren't you, though?

Algernon:

(sharply)

Of course not! Bunbury isn't real-

(eyes widen, to self)

Damn it all!

(takes the biscuit still in his hand and stuffs it in his mouth)

St. John:

(smugly, with a smirk)

Oh, he isn't real? But you just said Bunbury was dead? How can something not alive possibly be deceased?

Algernon:

(stares at him indignantly and finished chewing)

(angrily)

Now see here! You are the one who said he was deceased! Not I! I told you nothing of the sort!

St. John:

But isn't that what you told your dear Aunt Augusta?

Algernon:

(confused and angry)

How do you know Aunt Augusta-

St. John:

(leaving no room for further discussion)

I am a man of god.

(haughtily)

I just know these things.

Algernon:

(frantically looking around)

(quickly)

Well, I have done nothing wrong!

St. John:

(raising an eyebrow)

You have lied and are lying. To be quite frank with you, sir, what haven't you done wrong.

Algernon:

(remembering something, changing the subject)

I Say, now!

(Scowling)

I only asked you here to help Bunbury-

St. John:

(offhandedly)

Who is either finished or fiction.

Algernon:

-not to insult and affront me!

(pause for a beat, then, offended)

I Say!

St. John:

(sighing disappointedly, eyes closed)

I am sad for you, sir.

Algernon:

(insulted, but confused)

Why is that?

St. John:

(looking over at Algernon, reserved)

You are unable to face your problems without the aid of your dear Bunbury.

(beat)

A man of your age should be able to function sans a nanny, one who can not seems like…a ninny.

Algernon:

(even more insulted)

I am not a Ninny! How dare you, sir!

(composing self, straightening clothing)

Besides, every man needs a Bunbury-

St. John:

(his interest piqued)

Oh? And why is that, sir?

Algernon:

A married man-

St. John:

(smiling, hands out, palms facing the ceiling)

Ah, but I am not married

(offhandedly)

Though I almost was…

(almost wistful look)

Algernon:

(nonplussed)

Um…

St. John:

(snapping out of it, waving it off with a hand)

Oh. Right, right. Please continue sir.

Algernon:

(slightly put out)

Right…

(loudly)

As I was saying, one would be most thankful to know a Bunbury, as if they were ever to become married,

(slightly pompously)

I have learned from experience that a man who marries without knowing a Bunbury has a very tedious time of it. (I.o.B.E. quote)

St. John:

(scoffs)

Experience? My good man, I was under the impression you had never been married. How could you possibly have had any experience at'all?

Algernon:

(put out, quietly)

Well I didn't say it was my experience…

St. John:

(egging him on)

Why, I'm sure you couldn't even get engaged without the aid of your precious Bunbury!

Algernon:

(greatly offended)

How dare you, sir? I could get engaged if I wanted to!

(looks towards the exit, then back at him)

I'ves just…I've never wanted to.

St. John:

(smirking)

Obviously not, but you do now?

Algernon:

(he seems to recall something)

(to self)

My Cecily…

(eying St. John suspiciously)

Yes…as a matter of factuality, I do. But how did you know.

St. John:

(giving him a look of disbelief)

Algernon:

(frowns and then widens eyes, embarrassed)

Oh! Yes…right, I told you. I remember now.

St. John:

(scoffs)

I'm sure.

Algernon:

(frowns at St. John)

I must say, sir…I was only looking for a minister-

St. John:

(gives him an unconvinced, mocking look)

Algernon:

(offended)

I remembered, don't judge me!

St. John:

(just shakes head)

Algernon:

(frowning deeper)

You certainly aren't anything like the St. John I've heard about…

St. John:

(looks up)

Ah, yes, that quite reminds me, I never asked how you came by my name.

Algernon:

(looks up as well)

What's that?

St. John:

(curiously)

How ever did you come across my name?

Algernon:

(in understanding)

Oh.

(offhandedly)

I found it in a book.

St. John:

(slightly confused)

I see…

(then grins mockingly)

And why would you ever be looking for someone like me for assistance?

Algernon:

(offended once more)

I needed advice from a minister!

St. John:

(in mocking understanding)

Ah, yes, well. Luckily for you, sir, a minister I am.

Algernon:

(angrily)

I know that!

(glares)

St. John:

(chuckles)

(to self)

This fellow is quite easily flustered

(contemplative look, still to self)

Perhaps I should just listen to what he has to say?

(to Algernon, who has been silently seething)

What would you ask of me, sir.

Algernon:

(calming down)

I would only like to know how you would suggest I go about…

(thinking of the proper word)

Rectifying one's self from their sins.

St. John:

(pause to think for a beat)

Well…I would suggest you stop sinning, for one.

Algernon:

(irritated sigh)

Yes, yes, "lying is bad, don't do it" Duly noted, sir.

St. John:

(giving him a sharp look)

And start acting less predictably, for another.

Algernon:

(astounded)

Predictably? How am I acting, in any way, predictable?

St. John:

(smiling, listing off reason)

Well, for one, you have acted in an uncouth manner towards my requested suggestions; Two, you are reacting defensively towards a comment that spoke of you in a negative light, and Three, you will post haste become discomfited and attempt to distract from said discomfiture.

Algernon:

(quickly turning head to the side, quietly)

Yes…well, I…I'm probably late for dinner by now

(makes to leave)

St. John:

(self-satisfactory smile)

Mhmm, I'm quite sure it is only around half past two.

Algernon:

(pauses and turns around with a frown)

St. John:

(expectant look)

Algernon:

(huffing)

Fine! Don't give me the advice then! I will go see Cecily and my dear brother Jack by myself!

(storms offstage)

St. John:

(just shakes his head and slowly gets up, he looks down and notices something in surprise where Algernon was sitting)

What's this?

(reaches down and mimes holding something under his thumb)

It's seems Mr. Moncrieff left a book behind…

(shifts book into both hands and frowns in confusion, to self)

What the deuce…

(looks closer and eyes widen)

Jane Eyre?

(Scene)

(PS, that final comment "What the deuce…" as OOC as it may have seemed, was added for the benefit of the actor playing St. John, they requested it.)

So what did you guys think? ='3