The wall is ice cold under my back, but my face still hot because of the tears. I'm endlessly tired both physically and emotionally. I killed a man before! Despite of David was a bastard, his blood is drying on my hands.
My limbs are shaking, a choked sob scrape my throat. I don't know why I feel that. I don't feel a real guilt about David. Maybe it was better that way, beacuse he can't cause any damage anymore. Otherwise this man stole too much life that I can feel sorry for him. I killed more innocents yet.
I feel empty inside like something sucked out life from my body, but like they filled the space with heavy stones.
I may hear my name and my brother appears by my side, but the blood too load in my ear that I just barely hear what he's saying. He asks am I alright. I nod, but I exactly know I'm far from that. I almost died, and I can't believe that I'm here and my heart is still beating. He grabs my arm and and leads me through the maze of the corridors.
I can't concentrate to my environment; as we go further, everything seem so blurred, voices are dulled, colours are faded. I'm seeing people around me, but I'm not able to focus to their faces; tears are overcast my sight. I don't know why I'm crying. Tears are coming without invitation. Is it like that if someone had a near death experience? I have no idea but I'm shocked because the death serum hadn't an effect on me. I let Caleb to brings me with him anywhere he wants.
I feel two arms around me and Cara's face appears in front of me. She has a thick bandage on her forehead, bruises cover her cheeks.
I don't know what she wants to tell me; her words become mumbling as sobbing overtakes her. I don't understand why she's crying, too. Another teardrops escape from corner of my eye.
They make my sit down a chair in time, beacuse my legs are shaking now. My fingers squeeze the fabric of my trousers to hide how they're twitching. I'm exhausted, and I don't want anything else just sleeping. I should let myself drift to sleep in that chair but the adrenaline in my veins and the euphoria from my miraculously survival keep me awake.
Matthew sits next to me and starts talk something about the doctors who can't do their jobs because of the memory serum. Maybe he says that he can't give me painkillers, but I don't listen. How would I care about pain when I'm still alive?
I almost miss when Matthew cuts deep into my arm. I forgot the bulled in my flesh because I didn't feel it hurts before. I don't look at what he does; the next thing I know that my arm is cover by a white bandage.
Caleb sits at my other side and rests his hand on my shoulder. When did he sit there? I don't remember.
I have no idea how long I sit here silently crying, with a smile on my face while my limbs are shaking even more. Minutes or hours ago?
I hear dull voices somewhere in distance like a bunch of people talking with each other. I can't locate where they are; maybe they stand beside me just I don't notice them. They don't pick my interest because the only thing I hear is my own heartbeat.
I stare in front of me and I forget to blink. I feel like this chair is in somewhere else or the world vanished around me and just that beat excist in this universe.
A hand grabs mine to wake me up from my meditation and my blood's drum seems quieter. This is a familiar hand with a familiar touch. Next moment two rough hands slide to my cheeks and whipe my tears away. I want to tell him it's unnecessary because the next ones will show up soon, but my voice betrays me.
I hear my name again, and someone places a kiss to my forehead. ThenI notice the figure kneeling in front of me. I have to blink out tears from my eyes before I can focus his face. Dark blue eyes, full lower lip, strong chin, short brown hair.
"Tobias," I whisper but I'm not sure I said it loud.
He joins to me, puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his chest. I hug him back stiffly but I feel as my muscles twitch. I bury my face into his sweater; the soft cotton dries off my tears and I slowly relax. Everything's alright: he's here with me unharmed and healthy. I saved my brother's life so what else I have to worry about? We're alive. I'm alive.
His finders run up to my arms and softly push me away a bit. His eyes are sparkling in the light and he has a sad smile on his lips. I feel how he drums in my skin with his fingers.
I don't know who move first, him or me. Maybe we cross the few inches distance between us in the same time, what I feel miles right now, and it's a mystery I grab his shirt first or he slides his arm to my waist.
His lips fit mine sweet and softly. I can't describe this feeling what fills my body as I'd never felt this before. The kiss makes me dizzy and a rush of endless happiness hits me causing tears in my eyes. Was it so wonderful before as well? Or just at this moment when I almost lost everything?
We're tasting each other for minutes before we pull away. We're softly gasping but the only thing I can pay attention is his face. So handsome.
I rest my head on his collarbone and feel his mouth on my hair. I simle as I sniff his smell but I realize that I don't smell anything at all, neither of the fresh soap scent or the sweat's bitter aroma or the metallic smell of weapons. Nothing. Strange...
As Tobias strokes my hair and as his chest rises and falls with each breath, I feel as tiredness overcomes me and I'd like to stay in his arms as long as possible.
He surely notices as I doze off because he sweeps away my hair from my forehead and helps me stand up.
He says something to the other but I don't pay attention: the view of the outside landscape amazes me as I see it through the giant windows of the hall. The whole world is white as the snow's covering the earth. Big snowflakes fall from the sky froze the environment. I attach my hand to the cool glass and I feel the cold air behind it.
I may stared out for minutes when I feel a strong hand on my shoulder. It isn't necessery to look at the person to know that is Tobias. He says I need some rest and I have to admit he's right because I need all my strength to be able to stand straight.
We're get going to the dormitory. Tobias is ahead of me and talks with Chritina.
It's difficult for me to put my foot in front of the other one. First I think it's because of the tiredness but suddenly I feel a heavy dizziness what terrifies me. I stop and I see my friends are walking farther from me with every each second. I feel something wet in my upper lip and as I touch it I see blood on my fingertips. I look at Tobias who turns around and our eyes meet. I notice worry in his eyes. He starts to rush to me.
Everyting is happening so fast. My legs collapse beneath me while white pain comes to my skull and I hit the ground hard. I don't know why everything is hurt, because of the falling or anything else. My whole body twitches and strang noises leave my throat.
I shouldn't had to conceited myself to I'll get away from what I've done. I believed too soon that everything's gonne be alright.
Tobias is next to me in seconds, his knees contacts to the solid ground and he takes me into his arms.
"Tris." His voice is shaking because of panic. "The hospital wing... We'll find a doctor... Everything will be alright... I swear."
I just shake my head. He does not understand. Not yet.
I look at his face and try to memorize every details of it. I wish I couldn't see this pain in his eyes. I want to see him laughing just one more time. I'd like to see that smile which always charms me.
"Take care of the cake and eat a slice, please," I say as I remember a conversation between us months ago.
I fail to make him laugh instead his eyes become blurry with tears and his lips tremble. His voice is unsteady.
"No, Tris, no! Everyting... Everything will be okay. No, it won't be..."
I accept what comes but he isn't. I've always known that my irresponsibility will comes with a price. That was only my decision to went into the lab. But I don't want cause any pain for anybody. Especially not for him.
Everything hurt but not as much as my soul when I see this pain in Tobias' eyes. I can't breathe as his shoulders sag because of loss.
I put my hand to his cheek. My fingertips touch wetness under his eyes but I pretend they are not there.
"Smile," I beg with weak voice but he still looks sad. "I must see you smile. Please."
His lips curve into a smile but this is a sad smile that my heart breaks into pieces. I should have known if I save life of a person who I love, I have to cause incurable wound for someone I care about.
"I'm sorry," I groan while my tears run down to my temple. "I didn't want this to happen, I'm so sorry," I'm sobbing.
His hot tears fall into my cheek and his arms hug me even firmly as if he can stop fate.
"Tris..."
I stroke his jaw, my thumb draws the curve of his lips. A small smile appears in my face while black spots starts to cover my sight.
"Everything's okay." This is all my fault. "You're stong." You won't give up...
He shakes his head but slowly his face also become unclear.
"Tobias, I lov..." My voice is just a whisper and I can't finish my sentence because I loose all my strength I had.
Darkness overcast everthing and within a second it takes away every feelings, every memories, everything I had. They vanished into the nothingness and peace is the only thing what stays with me.
AN: Sorry for the sad story. I had to write this story because my friend asked me to write down her idea. I hope you can forgive me.
And sorry for my bad English but it isn't my native language.
Best wishes for everyone.