Title: Things That Go Bump in the Night
Author: sofia_lindsay & darkbardzero
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Disclaimer: Our two favorite characters were left unharmed in the making of this crack!fic- although they might be a bit sore tomorrow. However, hotel walls, beds and Hotch's hair may be left slightly marred.
Rating: R-just to be safe.
Summary: No rest for the weary.
AN: The crack!fic muse has struck again! Translate that to: Sofia is bored, and Darkbard is drunk!
Archiving: Women in Kevlar

~Thud~

~Thud~

''Oh dear God please not again!''

Cuddled up into the surprisingly comfortable hotel bed, the covers drawn up to her chin with her hands gripped onto the edge, Penelope Garcia screwed her face up as she started at the ceiling.

The tired technical analyst held her breath, listening intently as she continued to stare up intently, silently praying to all that cared to listen.

~Thud. Thud. Thud-thud. Thud~

Resigned to her fate of being denied sleep again, Garcia released her breath quickly as the distinct sound of headboard meeting wall continued to set a rhythmic beat throughout the room. It felt like booming in her ears. Not to mention, in the head of her bed was against the same wall, there were small but noticeable vibrations.

~emm…oh…uh..uh…Emily!!..oh God….~

Rolling her eyes as she let out an exasperated sigh, Garcia threw the covers off, beginning to drag herself away from her comfort. Now severely disgruntled, the offbeat blonde and pink technical genius began to grab a few things from around her room, muttering to herself as she went along.

''One night. That's all I ask for. One. Fucking. Night. One freaking night that they don't jump each other's bones and rock the world the whole night through. Don't those two ever sleep?''

~Jayj…baby…ah!! Baby!!!~

Huffing and puffing, Garcia shot a glare at the wall, as though it was to be blamed for the noises filtering through it. As if it was to blame that her wonderful but lecherous friends couldn't keep their hormones under control. Honestly! Talk about raging libidos. When they said they had big sex drives, they really meant it.

After collecting an armful of her things, the pigtailed woman stepped out into the hall, totally fine with the fact she was brandishing her specially- made pajamas, delightfully splattered with images out of some of her favorite comic books.

~Thud…Thud-thud…EMILY!!! Right there!!~

''Holy shit! Get a little louder can you? Don't think England quite heard that!''

She muttered, shuffling along down the hall that was also being filled with the sounds of her friends going at it like rabbits. Did they really have no awareness just how loud they were? People in the next town probably knew what they got up to in bed for crying out loud!! Oh, did she feel for their neighbors back in D.C.!

Grumpily, and maybe a tad bit jealous, Garcia stopped at one of the doors on the other side of the hall. With a petulant but cute glower, she knocked on it, hoping that she would be able to seek sanctuary seeing as it was all the way across the hall.

After a couple of seconds, the door opened, and Garcia looked pleadingly up at her knight in shining armor. Her handsome man of chocolate thunder stood at the door, also dressed for sleep.

''Hey Mama.''

''Can I come in. JJ and Emily are doing it again. Loudly!''

"Sure thing!"

Morgan stepped aside, pushing the door open for the computer geek to enter. Inside, the rest of the team- minus the two that were currently going at it like bunnies!- were sitting around the king-size bed. The bed itself was covered with pizza and snacks.

Whirling around to stare at Morgan with her hands on her hips, Garcia scowled. "How dare you have a party and not invite ME! The Party QUEEN!!"

The profiler took a step back and held up his hands. "Hold it there Mama! This was all Hotch's idea, and we didn't see any point of waking you if, by the grace of God, you were getting some sleep!"

"Oh yeah! Right!" Garcia huffed her voice rising in pitch with each word, "Like I can get any sleep with all the "Oh Emily's!" and 'THUD. THUD..THUD-THUDs' going on!! Seriously, I don't know what the Hell they are doing over there, but I think they're about to put a dent into the wall!!"

"You guys, statistics show that many lesbians…"

A collective groan cut off the genius' statistical quoting, and he shrugged, "Just sayin'. Emily exudes what is known as a butch attitude. As profilers, I would have thought you would have realized by now what they're doing!"

Hotch visibly flinched at the image his mind conjured for him. Shifting in his seat, he shot Reid a glare. "Thank you Reid. That's an image I could have definitely done without!"

Rossi smirked, "You could have, but you like it nonetheless!"

"Hell, we ALL like that image!" Morgan replied, just to receive a slap to the head from the blonde at his side.

"Men!! Do you really think, even with a 'butch attitude,' that Emily needs any kind of help to make JJ sound like that?''

Rossi nodded, "Well there are just as much 'Oh JJ's' as there are Emily's, so you're probably right."

"Oh, I'm the Oracle of Knowledge. I know I'm right!"

"Guys, we really shouldn't know this much information about their sex lives! It's not very.." Hotch began, just to stop midsentence.

~Thud-Thud-Thud. BABY!!! Thud-Thud.~

Rossi sighed as he turned the TV volume up one more time. "Seriously," he muttered, "I've had great sex before, but this is just too much!"

Silently agreeing, Morgan took his seat on the bed and grabbed a piece of pizza; Garcia, of course, joining him and making herself right at home leaning against him.

~Oh fuck yeah…~

Yet again, Rossi sighed, jabbing the remote again to try and drown out the sounds wafting over from across the hall. Still relatively new, and therefore unaccustomed to all of this, he turned to the rest of the refugees.

"Just how long does this usually go on for?"

"Don't ask!"

They replied in unison, making the old profiler flinch, one eye rising in his surprise.

"Okay then!"

"Hotch," Morgan nearly whined, "Can't you find a valid reason to put them in a different hotel than us? Or a different floor at least?"

Hotch paused a moment, clearly considering the option, before sadly shaking his head, "I would, but I have no idea how I'd explain that to Strauss."

"Oh, that's easy! We'll just bring her alone on one of our cases and give her the room next to theirs!"

The team leader stared at his younger agent, "Morgan, you do realize what they're doing is generally frowned upon in the FBI, right?"

Garcia scoffed, "For once, I can finally see why!"

Everyone could see the moment the light bulb went on in Morgan's head. ''Well you're protecting them right? They owe you, Hotch! Tell them to keep the volume down!''

''I am NOT talking to them about their sex life, it's bad enough I have to listen to it! Garcia, you do it.''

The blonde looked up from Morgan's Blackberry, a horrified look on her face, ''What? Why me? I'm too pretty to be sacrificed!"

"Baby girl! What are you doing with my phone?!"

The Blackberry flew through the air, smacking Hotch upside the head, as Garcia tried to look innocent, "Nothing!"

The three other male team members blinked in surprise, as Hotch rubbed his head, then tried to flatten out his oh so perfect hair. ''Point taken. Reid, you're up.''

Gaining no response, everyone's attention turned to the wonder boy, who was currently frowning and tipping his head sideways as she stared at the TV.

''What're they doing?''

"OH GOD!! NOT MORE!!" Rossi shrieked, as he and Morgan both made a dive for the remote. As the TV was quickly switched over however, it meant that the fake groaning faded but the real moaning from the energetic and vocal young women across the hall could be heard again.

"What is it with lesbians and noisy sex?" Hotch wondered aloud.

"No idea, but it's making me want to switch teams," Garcia mused, earning a horrified glare from Morgan as he pulled her closer to his side. He noted to himself to fish for tips, just in case.

*Two Hours Later*

For the past thirty minutes, the only noise heard was that of the TV. Cautiously, Garcia raised her head from the chest she had claimed as her pillow, and looked around.

"Is it safe?"

"I think so," Morgan whispered, gaining attention from the other three Profilers, "Guys, can you hear anything?"

The three Profilers silently shook their heads, as if their words alone would cause a recreation of the past four hours. Quietly, Hotch, Rossi and Garcia gathered their things to make the trip back to their respective rooms.

"Be as quiet as possible," Rossi demanded in a hushed whisper, "If they're asleep, we sure as Hell don't want to wake them up!"

Garcia nodded, as she turned the door knob and stepped into the hall.

~Crrreeeak….THUD…Creeeak…THUD.~

Applying the brakes, Garcia made a dead stop, making the guys behind her almost bang into each other like a set of dominos. She sighed defeated, hanging her head slightly as she did.

~Fuck JJ, harder…!~

''Dear God why? I'm a good person; I don't get into much trouble. Why would you punish me like this?! I will be good and have babies if you just make it stop!''

The now exhausted comic enthusiast muttered to herself, although her devilish side tucked away the fact that Emily didn't appear to be the only stud in the barn. She should give her 'innocent' friend a little kudos for that. It was always the quiet ones!

~Thud. Thud. Thud-thud.~

''Or not.''

''Garcia! What the hell?''

Rossi inquired from the end of the line, still using hushed tones in terror that he would wake the two women. Garcia turned around, seeing five confused expressions blinking back at her.

"Sorry boys, the Energizer Bunnies are 'active'."

''Again?!''

The four of them whined in unison, the look of hope vanishing from their faces.

~Oh god do that with your mouth again!~

This was going to be a long night.

''Looks like we're having a sleep over! I get the bed with Morgan!''

The disgruntled band tiredly turned back into the room, resigned to their fate.

~The Next Morning~

Four grumpy, sleep-deprived Profilers, and one technical analyst, could be seen chugging coffee by the cupfuls. Finally, the waitress made sure to leave a full pot at their table, the threat of their attitudes and guns too much for her to handle.

"Hotch, man, you gotta do something!" Morgan finally said.

The team leader just sighed, "I know. But what?"

"Use your handcuffs and cuff them to separate things within their room at night so they can't go at it?" Garcia offered, "No wait. They'd probably find a way to make that kinky too!"

"I'll talk with JJ," Hotch offered, "But there's no way I'm about to approach Prentiss with this! Morgan, you're close to her, maybe you should have the honors."

"Have the honors of what?"

A very cheerful Emily broke in, JJ following a step behind her with a huge smile across her face as she swiped Garcia's coffee. Seeing the glare from the other blonde, JJ took a step back.

"Damn guys. You look terrible! Did you not get any sleep last night?"

As soon as the words left her mouth, JJ found herself at the receiving end of five glares. Emily shrugged, "I don't see how you couldn't sleep. The beds in this place have to be the most comfortable ones I've found in a hotel yet!"

Five glares were now directed her way.

"Um..Em…I think they're grumpy…maybe we should get breakfast and leave them alone.." JJ suggested, completely at a lost.

Emily just nodded, still eyeing the other members of the team for a moment, a little freaked out by their odd behavior. As she compliantly followed JJ away from their friends and toward the breakfast counter, something occurred to her.

''You know, I've noticed they seem to be like this more or less every time we have to stay in a hotel out of town? Looks like we're the only ones that can settle properly away from home!''

Back at the table, four heads hit the table -and one hit Morgan's back- as the realization hit home that the two women clearly had no idea that they were responsible for the lack of sleep going around.

"Ah man. Hotch, if you don't do something by the next case, I quit!" Morgan whined once again.

''You can't, Morgan. I'd rather quit than be killed by Prentiss; I do have a son to raise. You wanna be unit chief, right? Good luck!!''