This fic is full of SPOILERS FOR HBP – you are warned.

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What was in Severus's mind immediately after he killed Dumbledore? What does he think of what he did? Whose side is he on? Well, I can't tell you for sure, but whether he's good or evil, he is definitely…

The Fucked-Up Man
A shortfic by K. Cloak

I have been

Many things.

An evil man,

A petty man,

A vindictive man,

An unfair man,

A cold man,

And occasionally,

A good man.

Before today

I thought I had a chance.

To stay alive,

To stay whole.

To stay sane, too.

Sure,

I've been in denial

For months.

But denial

Can keep you afloat,

And it kept me afloat

For a good, long time.

I held onto it after taking that Vow.

I even held onto it

After arguing

With you,

When you made it clear

That my options

Would all destroy me

One way or another.

You didn't put it that way,

Of course.

But it was the truth.

Before today,

Though,

I could still deny.

I could still say,

"I am a good man.

I have repented."

And now,

You

Are

Dead.

Dead!

Dead, at my hands.

And I wonder,

Did you plan this

All along?

When I came to you

At twenty-one,

Shaking,

Wand handle turned to you,

Did you see an opportunity

To use me for your purposes

And punish me too?

Did I ever have a choice?

You said so.

I said

I didn't

Want

To

Do

This

Any

More!

And you said,

In the end,

It was my choice.

You liar.

I had no choice.

Let you die by their hands,

Let you die by my hands,

Or try to save you

And die at their hands

With you.

I hate you

For fooling me

Into thinking

That I

Ever

Had

A choice.

I hate you.

You betrayed me

For your cause.

You would have found it ironic

That at that moment

I nearly turned again.

Don't you smirk,

Don't you twinkle!

You gave me fifteen years

To believe

That I

Could be something

Other than this.

And then

You took it away

"to cement my position."

To ensure

His

Trust

In me.

Did it even matter to you

That the act you forced upon me

Turned everyone,

Everyone,

Against me,

Forever?

I would have

Rather

Died.

I nearly turned again

When I did

Your bidding

And

Killed you.

Could you have even

Blamed me?

At least

I can find acceptance

Here.

With all these other

Marked

Scarred

Branded

People.

Damn you.

You know I can't.

Not now.

But either way,

You've polarized me.

This murder has torn

The middle

From me.

There is no

Ambiguity

In the act.

And so I am either

Your dark angel,

Hiding,

Waiting to do your final bidding

From beyond your grave,

Or I am of

The deepest

Evil;

Evil enough

To fool

Even you.

Either way,

I'm one

Fucked-up man.

"Happy"

Is a balloon you held in front of my face

And released from your grip

When I reached for the string.

So damn you, Albus.

Damn you for

My destruction.

I will not survive this story.

The question is,

Will I give my life

For your cause,

Or to destroy it?

Damn you, Albus.

I'm still loyal

To you.

I'm still loyal.

For now.

But there is no more gray in me,

And if I turn,

It will be all at once.

I'm still loyal.

For now,

I'm still loyal.

But Albus?

You'd better ask God

To finish this war soon,

Before I change my mind.

A/N: This is based on some musings I had about Severus while I was on a long-distance drive. What I was thinking was that, whether Severus is good or evil, after what he did at the end of HBP, he is totally screwed up now. Think about it – he's either evil enough to betray Dumbledore after fifteen years, or he's good enough to give up everything he has for Dumbledore's cause. I personally think he is still good, but (as you can tell by the fic) I think being forced to kill his mentor and friend just might push Severus over the edge. Please review if you have a moment! Thank you!