a/n: I'm straying from my familiar territory of Arthur/Morgana oneshots and having a stab at exploring Morgana's relationship with some other characters too. First up is Morgana/Merlin in this mini series.

Five Ways Morgana Found Redemption

M e r l i n

When they meet it's in battle, and she's trying to kill him. She's even diverted from her pursuit of Arthur's blood because the screaming fury, the absolute biting sting of betrayal and the horror that everything could've been different is overwhelming, and it's like smoke suffocating her until she just can't breathe.

He's magic and he's staring at her with eyes that glow the same gold hers do, but he's not looking at her like the kin they are, he's watching her like some terrible beautiful wild animal and maybe that's right, because he knew her when she was young and safe and now she is deadly, and she is out for his blood.

They fight in the castle like they always do and she wants to say she's strong enough to beat him but she knows she's not the moment she launches her first spell. She's remembering the boy who came to Camelot and gaped at her at the feast (yes, she saw him looking) and the young man who helped her save her Druid boy, but she's also remembering the traitor who put poison down her throat and left it to fester in her heart until she grew like a tree twisted in on itself so the only fruit she gave was poisoned too. And now she sees the old man who left her for dead in the forest and she knows it was him, trying to kill her once again.

Everything makes sense now, and she's not crying, she's not, because she doesn't care. But her eyes are blind now and she doesn't know what she's doing, and Merlin is crying too because he sees her tears and he knows what they're for. He is kin and he tried to kill her, and now she wants to repay that favour. But he is strong and they fight like titans clashing at the dawn of time until she shatters at the force of it, and she's lying broken on the ground and waiting for him to end it.

But he kneels at her side with his sad blue eyes and he cries "I wish you could understand. You don't have to be this way" and she looks up at him with tired, tired eyes, consciousness just touching her mind like scattered raindrops clinging to cobwebs and she murmurs back.

"You made me this way."

And she thinks he'll kill her then because if it were the other way round, she'd have done it straight away (she thinks, but it's always different when it's real), but he touches her cold forehead and tells her to leave Camelot. "If you want to be better," he says, "you have to go away and stop all this", and she listens because she's fading, so he swallows and whispers a spell.

Then they're far away beside the apple trees where the hypnotising thrum of Camelot's cruel chessboard built of living pieces can't be heard, and she opens her eyes and breathes, because this is a world away from the sinful path of blood and death she's been walking. She realises what he's offering, and it's a chance she doesn't deserve, but then she sees the guilt in his pale face and realises this is for him too; this is his own atonement for being so wrong.

"You killed me" she says, and his eyes are downcast so she can see the long, spidery lashes curl against his cheek. She looks away when she starts to remember how much she liked the boy who came to Camelot from far away, and who tripped over his own boots and couldn't polish armour to save his life. It's hard to remember he would have been her murderer when she sees the sweetness, the simple goodness radiating from his very being.

She recognises that fervent desire for the whole world to be just and good because she used to have it too.

Now she wears her suffering like a halo and lets it make her into the avenging, infernal angel she's become. She is so caught up in a glass sphere of destiny that cannot be broken, and yet Merlin's trying to break it for her. He's seen the future but he's tired of being the reason it always comes true, and he's forced a world between Morgana and her dark, dark fate, praying that it will be enough. He is meant to be her destiny but he's already been her doom and he won't be that again.

"I know. I'll never regret anything more, but I'm trying to save you."

She smiles, bitterly, ironically, shaking her head, but she really just wants to sleep because whatever he's done means it's like she's in some soporific bubble that's engulfing her softly, softly, sending her to sweet oblivion.

He leaves her in the golden forest he brought them to just as her eyes fall close. He calls on whatever magic there is in the trees and the earth to watch over her because he wants her better, but she cannot be that while he is still here. She is right: he made her this way, and so he seeks to unmake her by taking her away from everything it is that broke her.

When she wakes he is long gone but she knows she's been safe and watched over somehow, and for a long moment she is silent and unsure. She could be back in Camelot with a snap of her fingers but she knows what Merlin has tried to tell her: if she goes back she is beyond anyone's help. She doesn't know if she should believe him but suddenly she doesn't want to go back to the tiresome, terrible fighting that awaits her there.

At first she was doing it all for other people: for the innocents who suffered wrongly, for Mordred, for Morgause. But now they're all gone and she realises she hasn't a hope in hell of reaching her goal because her goal doesn't exist. It's just her, chasing the dust, angry, bitter, and so so hurt.

So she stays away and thinks of Merlin telling Arthur that she's not going to harm him now, and smiles a smile that's very nearly real. She doesn't know where she is but she knows she's going to stay. To be together with all the other pieces on the chessboard just turns it all into a game of destiny that nobody can win until one king stands alone in his war-torn kingdom. It is like a pile of firewood waiting for a stray spark, and the only way to avoid the fire is by being gone.

And so she stays in her forest of gold, and there the cracks heal.

o-o-o-o-o

She meets him by the apple tree one day, and it's been a long time. This time it's she who mutters the spell and then they're somewhere else.

They're in a little inn somewhere; some town near the sea where the salt tang in the air makes her think of foreign lands. She's more beautiful than ever now the scars have faded and the dark cloak is cast off. He's almost just the same, but he's so happy that it nearly makes her jealous. She can never be that happy because she's still a broken thing that's been carefully mended, not something new. Some things can't be forgotten but at least they're now forgiven.

He tells her of Arthur's exploits and she can hear it without anger now. She smiles a little smile and thinks of the golden-haired boy she left behind, wistful, thinking of the future she might have had if things were different. But this is as good as she could ever have hoped for and she's thankful; Merlin nearly broke her but Merlin saved her too, and they are two sides of the same coin now. She's no queen and she's no heroine, but maybe this way she won't be the murderess in the stories they tell about the golden king and his golden age.

Before he leaves he asks her "are you better?", cautiously, almost scared to know the answer and it's obvious he still doesn't know if he's done the right thing. So she pauses, smiles and rises. She leans in and kisses his cheek, a soft, soft touch that says she's moved on.

"I'm fine" she replies, one corner of her mouth quirking in a half-smile, "I'm just fine".

"Will you… will you ever come back to Camelot?" he asks, and she knows he doesn't know whether he wants the answer to be yes or no. He doesn't want to shatter the fragile peace she's built around herself here, but still he misses her, misses the old her, and he hopes that she's back. But she's not back; she can never be that girl she was again, because that would mean going back to when the storm was brewing and she's tired of weathering storms.

"One day I'll see you again," she says, not quite answering the question she was asked but he somehow knows anyway.

It's not perfect but it's a slice of redemption for them both.