I hate Mondays.
So today, I'm on this mission to rescue the beautiful Princess Zelda. Not that I'm very into women, I mean seriously this girl's practically my sister. Well that brat's always getting stuck SOMEWHERE. Next time she gets kidnapped, I'm locking her up.
I wake up, grab a bowl of cuccoo noodle soup from the cabinets in my treehouse, and nearly set it afire with my fire arrows. Gotta keep those under control.
I eat as I walk, rather ride, my trusty horse Epona. Suddenly she is stopped. I look down only to shut my eyes in disgust and I have to put down my soup. Epona's taking a piddle in the mayor's yard.
Finally I convince the stupid horse to move forward with a carrot or two, and we're good and ready. She's galloping at a steady pace. Then, as if my day hadn't been awful enough already, I hear this demented high-pitched SCREAM coming from the castle. Of course, that's miles away, but Zelda can sure scream LOUD.
I kick Epona once more and shove another carrot in her mouth. She runs at top speed; my hat is caught in the wind and flies away free as a bird. It takes Herculean--or should I say Hyrulian--effort to let it pass. The wind is going to mess up my hair and with all this humidity it'll probably frizz up too.
Epona canters over to the castle and we get to see the princess being carried away by a huge flaming BIRD. Ugh, not again, I think, because this happened to my little sister a while back. And I can almost swear I can hear Epona groan. The trips across islands weren't pretty on her hooves.
With a large sigh, I pull out my bow and arrow and shoot an ice arrow at this bird. Instantly, it's wing flapping becomes irregular and then it's whole body freezes up, and then the ice cracks and it starts flying in circles. Crap, I think, it noticed me.
Every once in a while it swoops down and stabs it's beak at me, so I figured it would be better if I just got off Epona and let her run to graze. That's exactly what I do but, next mistake, she runs off with my bow.
As if things hadn't been bad enough already.
I pull out my sword, a mean scowl fixed on my face, and hold my shield in front of me with a steady arm. The bird swooped in again (with Princess Zelda and her desperate cries) and I slashed at its one big eye with my sword. It squawked and drew back its head; but it was only weakened.
Right. These things are always needed to be hit three times.
In the eye. The weak spot, it seems, for most enemies.
I thought I could do something with my ice arrows, so I attach one to my sword and when the bird dives, I hurl the sword with all my might at the eye. It seemed to have an effect, but that was the third time. And by the way it looked at me, you would have thought that it was trying to attack again, and I freaked out because, smart me, I just lost all of my weapons.
But no, it just loosens its grip on Zelda who decides to faint at that moment, and she drops like a stone through the stormy air. Now I have a new thing to freak out about, but not for long. Epona runs in at a great time and I leap upon her back.
We hurdle towards Zelda with our (er, well, MY) hands outstretched and I catch her in my arms. It would be romantic if I wasn't so, well, FEMALE.
Epona rides us back to the castle and I carry the Princess up to her royal room and set her on her bed. She opens her eyes a crack and whispers to me a thanks. I just nod once and hurl myself out the window onto Epona's back (and yes, she whinnies LOUDLY. Zelda's room is up 4 stories high.).
The sun is just drooling down from the sky slowly like a baby's saliva. If a baby's saliva was molasses. Mmm, would it be good to be a baby.
Eh, not really. Anyway it's getting dark and I want to get us home before the zombies rise up from the ground. Then I'd have to play the Sun's Song, which would just take a while and I don't want to do the whole shpiel.
Many carrots later, we reach my homely treehouse. I hope this is the last misfortune of the day, because my ladder is gone. A child stole my grappling hook and I gave away my hookshot for some rupees, thinking I wouldn't need it. Looks like I did need it.
In a worse mood than ever, I slash deep gashes into the tree which turns out to be a bad idea because anyone would be able to climb up and kill me in my sleep, which would not be possible with my ladder. I am forced to summon help from the child.
I hop on Epona and run next door, which in reality is three feet away from my treehouse. Epona could use the exercise, I guess.
I rap twice on the wooden door. It creaks open a few seconds later, and I look down to see the kid looking up at me from tired eyes. I turn around, and am a bit embarrassed because the stars are twinkling at me from an indigo sky.
I held out my hand for the grappling hook and motion over to my missing ladder. He shakes his head.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Miss, I'm just a poor farmboy. Don't even know what a grappling hook is."
He's obviously lying. I roll my eyes and pull out my sword. After showing off my spin attack and multiple stabs, he throws the grappling hook out the door, along with in-shape ladder, and slams it shut. I hear at least 7 locks being frantically put into place.
Grimly, I lift up my belongings and walk Epona back home. I throw my ladder onto the platform where it hooks on snugly. I jump up 3 rungs at a time and roll it up again, tucking the ladder and grappling hook into a rusty chest.
After splashing my face with cold water, I roll onto my hay and pull the cowhide up to my chin. The hay sticks into my skin and I feel it prickle.
I hate mondays.