Raw emotions had always been a problem for Jacob Black. As far back as he could remember he had never known what to do about them. The problem wasn't the feelings themselves; it was more of a question of what to do with them. There were few points in his life where he had allowed his feelings to completely take control. He viewed them as downfalls. Moments of weakness. It wasn't that he had a problem expressing his feelings, but Jacob Black had seen how dangerous raw emotions could be. Lethal.
He faltered slightly in his run as a wave of difficult memories came flooding back. Jacob wasn't generally someone to linger on the past, instead preferring to live in the moment, but he still knew that your past made you who you are today, and who you will be tomorrow.
Blurs of green and brown flew past him at what would have been an alarming rate for someone without his impressive…strength. At least he had the state of mind that he could still mock himself. Thank god for small favors.
He remembered the first time he had lost control of his emotions. He had been young, very young.
He was six when he lost his mother. He came home from school one day and she was gone. Gone without a chance of coming back. He remembered Billy sitting him down at their worn wood table in the kitchen and trying to explain life and loss to a six year old. He couldn't understand anything. Not even the tight, constricting pain in his chest as he felt his first loss.
Despite his young age, Jacob was overcome with feelings too deep and mature for his juvenile brain to comprehend. His little feet had beat against the ground at an uneven pace as he ran from his house. He didn't know what to do.
Jacob stopped short in the middle of his sprint unsure of the realization that had hit him just as hard as if he'd slammed into a tree.
The Jacob Black from his memory and the Jacob Black here, in a place unknown to him were one in the same. Weren't they both just lost boys trying to figure out what they had done wrong to be punished with such a loss…
Just boys attempting to figure out how to survive.
Jacob took a deep breath before starting to run again. He had no idea how long he had been running, sometimes in human form, sometimes in wolf form. Days maybe. There was something so freeing about just sprinting and letting loose. He was faster in his wolf form but it was almost more satisfying to run on two legs, knowing his strength and endurance was his own, mostly, not coming from some inherited powers of his.
So Jacob Black ran, expressing raw emotion in the safest way he knew how. He realized that people were probably worried back home. After all, he had been gone for days. His brothers, Billy, maybe even she was worried. Maybe.
He didn't want to think about them now. Jacob knew that they deserved answers. They deserved better than the way he had acted but he didn't care. They all knew that he would be back eventually. It was as inevitable as the rising of the sun every morning. When he finally wandered back into his quaint little hometown he would be embraced. There would be scolding and disappointment but he would be accepted back as if he hadn't left at all.
Jacob Black wished he knew when that would be though. How long would it take for him to control his feelings? Every time he thought he had himself under control his mind would begin to wander, pulling up visions he wished he had never seen. Could he go back and fall into his old life and still contain his feelings? He had once been happy and content with his life but that had been a while ago and life had been permanently changed since then. He now felt pain, anger, and emotions he had no name for but could feel deep in his soul. These were feelings he was unsure of how to live with.
It amazed him how complex life had become so quickly. He remembered times when he had lived with a smile on his face and everything had been black and white. He had experienced loss at a young age but he had turned around and embraced life.
Where was the boy who ran around making jokes and getting in trouble gone? Now all Jacob could find in himself was the lost shell of a man trying desperately to cling to his youth.
Jacob paused again in his run, stopping to look around for once. It was amazing how life went on even when you felt as if yours was falling apart. The world could continue without you. It was a sad thought, to realize how insignificant you were but it also provided stability. The world would keep rotating and revolving and people would continue to live and love and die.
For the second time that day, realization hit Jacob Black. The world would go on without you therefore you must do the best you can with the time you have.
It only took a second before he was pointed and sprinting back, in the direction of home. Towards the people who needed him and the people who in turn he needed.
And maybe, just maybe, emotions were your heart's way of directing your head to the right path.