~Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
That's all right, because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me pray.
That's all right because I love the way you lie~
Love the Way You Lie by Rihanna and Eminem
Letting go hurts. A lot. I had never realized how much I had…until it was gone.
Yes, that sounds cliché. But it's true. All throughout my life, I kept my nose high and marched away from humiliation. I would walk away, proud and strong because one day, I will be successful. I would show these losers in this dump what it really took to be rich and famous. I would be a successful co-operate lawyer and I would win every fight I faced. As for famous…well, I didn't struggle through three seasons of Total Drama without having my name known.
But this. The day I saw you, I felt the butterflies in my stomach and I hated you for that. Whenever you called me 'princess' I hated you for making my heart twist in my chest in ways that I knew were unnatural. My stomach clenched when you walked by, just because I hoped you would talk to me.
You made me feel so weak.
To so many other people you were a juvenile delinquent. A waste of space in many peoples' eyes. All you do was "cause trouble". To me you were my world. While you may be a waste of space to others, you were absolutely perfect to me, despite the fact I picked at your flaws. I could stare at you for ages and never tire. I would never be bored with you in my presence. What can I say? I fell hopelessly in love with you.
I remember in Total Drama Island episode twelve, Chef made us do extreme obstacle courses and you pushed him over the top by kissing his nose when he told you to do twenty pushups. You got sent to the boathouse as a result. During dinner that night, I couldn't help but worry. I wonder if he's starving? Poor thing. No Courtney stop it! That makes you sound desperate! I gave in to the urge to see you, even after Geoff teased me about it.
That was one of the best nights of my life, as I crawled in the bushes with you to steal food. I was hooked on the adrenaline rush for not following the rules for once. And not just that. I wanted more. I craved being around you and thrived that this is what you did on a daily basis- the energy. It made me feel more alive than I ever had before.
That was the first night we kissed.
I could feel the surprise and warmth on your lips. I felt you eventually relax into it and pressed back with passion. That was the best kiss I had ever had.
I clutch at the wooden skull and press it close to my heart. It was the first and best present you've ever given me. You threw it to me when I got voted off in Total Drama Island when I got on the boat. As tears stream down my face, I clutch onto it tighter, as if it was the only thing keeping me going. Our love was slipping away slowly, and it was too late for me to grasp onto the last bits as it drifts away.
The phone rings and I stumble blindly for the phone. I answer and it's you, and you don't even notice the tears in my voice as you say you're going to be out with Gwen. Lately, that's all you do. What did she have that I didn't? I was your soul mate, you're everything, but you want her. I could see that you had more in common with her and she could understand you on levels I couldn't, but that's what made us perfect. I was your polar opposite, we belonged together.
So I cry. I cry for everything I lost. I cry for the love that I once had. The chemistry that was now blossoming with Gwen instead of me. The phone rings again but I'm crying too hard to hear it. I stumble outside where it's pouring rain, where the fresh water blended with my salty tracks. I don't shy from the rain; I embrace it as I tilt my head up, the cold water getting me completely soaked.
"Courtney!" I hear running footsteps and jeans sloshing against the wet concrete. I open my eyes and I see Bridgette running over with an umbrella, her face with genuine worry written all over. "Courtney, I called and you didn't answer so I got worried and I…" she trailed off as she looked at me.
More tears stream down my face and Bridgette drops the umbrella and flings open her arms, embracing in a tight hug. I sob as the rain pours harder.
I sit at the table of Bridgette's apartment with a cup of hot chocolate and a blanket. I'm dressed in Bridgette's Save the Killer Whales! Pajama shirt and sweats as she sits across from me with a cup of tea.
"What's going on Court," Bridgette says softly. It's not a question, it was a demand.
So I tell her. I tell her everything. By the time I'm done, Bridgette is hugging me again and stroking my hair.
"Oh honey…Why didn't you tell anyone? I could've helped you out."
"If you haven't noticed Bridge, I'm not exactly the most easygoing person." I say bitterly.
"Even so, you have me. And I'm one of the best people I know," Bridgette joked and I manage to make a small smile. "You know what you need? You need to let your worries go. Geoff invited me to a party tonight and we should go."
"Bridge…I don't…" I trail off hesitantly. Then, "Oh what the hell. Sure, let's get drunk tonight."
Bridgette smiled. "You can borrow one of my clubbing dresses tonight. Here," She said going over to her closet. "Wear this."
I took the dress without even looking at it and started toward the bathroom. I shut the door and stared at my reflection. I never considered myself as ugly. Of course, I wasn't as pretty as Bridgette with her pretty blond curls and long legs, but I wasn't that bad.
I sighed as I combed through my short brown hair while zipping up the dress Bridgette gave me. It was a little too short for my liking but then again, so were all clubbing dresses. It was black with a diamond strip under the bust and I noticed how it was tight around certain areas.
I briefly looked at my reflection. I wasn't trying to impress anyone and I looked decent enough. I stepped out and Bridgette was already waiting for me, dressed in a one shoulder aqua bubble dress.
"You look great. Here," Bridgette said. "Take these heels."
"Bridgette!" I yelped. "These are like, five inches!"
She shrugged. "So? I know for a fact you've worn at least eight inches before."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I like to!" I protested.
Bridgette sighed. "Just wear them."
Grumbling, I put them on and balanced for a moment before walking. Bridgette shut the lights as we took the elevator to the lobby.
Outside it was still pouring and Bridgette hastily opened up her umbrella. Once inside the car, I asked, "What club are we going to, Bridge?"
"It's called Pink." She replied.
"Oh I've been there." I recalled a vague memory. "I think you're going the wrong way."
"No, Geoff told me the directions and it clearly says to go this way."
"No your not! You're supposed to go-''
The last thing I remember was the car slipping, making a big sloshing screeching noise. I heard Bridgette's scream and a big crunch, and then the world faded to black.
In my dream, I was in a field. It was in a middle of a blizzard, but I didn't feel the chill. I looked onto the delicately frozen lake and somehow I knew that it wasn't safe to go on. I could faintly see my reflection and to my surprise, I was wearing a long, white tight looking but comfortable dress. I had a sheer, netlike white shawl wrapped around myself. I felt a movement behind me and I saw Duncan, with his arm wrapped around Gwen.
"Duncan!" I tried to shout but my words seemed to be caught in the air.
I saw him press his lips against Gwen's and I felt like crying- but I couldn't. I tried moving forward but found that my feet wouldn't budge. It was as if there was a veil or invisible wall separating us, trapping me as the wind picked up and the material of my shawl unraveled itself and flew away. I watched as I saw them both smile at each other and he slipped a ring on her finger.
"No!" I tried to shout again but my mouth just gaped open like a fish. The shawl swirled and surrounded around me, like I was the center of a tornado. I reached for them but I could feel myself; dissolving in the air.
"No…" I whimpered one last time before I dissolved completely, disintegrating.
I woke up to the sounds of beeping and my body feeling sore all over. I groaned and blinked, the white brightness flooding my eyes. I groaned again and squinted my eyes shut.
"Courtney!" I heard running footsteps and someone grasping my hands. "She's awake!"
I heard a series of "She is?" and more footsteps. Slowly, I opened my eyes to see Bridgette clutching my hand.
"Courtney I'm so sorry!" She flung her arms around my torso with more force then someone who had just woken up from a car accident should. "I'm so sorry, I'll never forgive myself for this and I-"
"Bridgette," I said. "It's fine, just…let me clear my head."
She nodded. "You were only out for half an hour. You have a broken arm and lots of bruises and scratches, but otherwise, your fine."
"How about you? Are you okay?" I asked.
"I'm fine. You seemed to get the worst end of the stick." Bridgette chuckled. "Ironic huh?"
My eyes drifted around the room. Geoff and DJ were there as expected, but Trent, Beth, Owen, Lindsay, and LeShawna was there too.
"Wha…What are they doing here?" I asked, bewildered.
"I called Geoff when we got at the hospital and everyone else heard and wanted to come." Bridgette replied.
"Oh." I said, not knowing what else to say. "Is…Is Duncan…"
Bridgette expression changed slightly and looked down at our joined hands. "He went to the cafeteria with Gwen to grab a bite."
Hearing Bridgette say that, the remaining pieces of my heart broke. I gripped her hand tighter, refusing to cry in front of people I barely knew.
"Do…Do you want to be alone for a moment?" Bridgette asked softly. I nodded, for fear of speaking would increase the chance of crying.
Bridgette got up and spoke quietly to Geoff for a moment. "You guys? Let's go get something to eat, I'm starving." Geoff said.
One by one, everyone cleared the room, giving me sympathetic looks and waves. I gripped the sheets until the last person filed out, and then I burst into tears.
That was it. I knew there was no more use fighting for it. The harder I fight, the more I lose. I felt the poor stitching of my heart fall apart again as the thread binding them breaks.
I heard the door open and I didn't need to look up to know it was you. You sit down next to me and I look into your eyes. They were no longer intertwined with the love he used to look at me with but with sorrow and compassion. You hold my hand and the warmth of them doesn't comfort me anymore, it makes me cry harder.
You lean in and I kiss you for the last time, your lips branding me for life, sealing the final envelope. You kiss with the same passion you did on the first night I kissed you, the last time you'll ever be mine. I savor the moment and tuck it away in my heart, bury it in my memories.
You break the kiss and cup my face before getting up and walking out of the room, without another look back. I don't know if I actually have the strength to leave you, but deep down, I knew I had to. As long as you were happy, I could go on.
But now…You were gone.
A/N: Thanks for reading! DuncanxCourtney is my favorite couple on Total Drama, but with TDWT, it seems like Duncan is going to break it off with Courtney for Gwen I'm soo sad about that (okay, not sad, but devasted). Oh, and also, the scenes with Bridgette and Courtney is purely a sisterly/friendship relationship. R&R!