Effie introduces us one by one and we take our seats outside of the Justice Building. I eye the two bowls filled with names, larger than usual due to the entire district's names in the bowl. The only ones absent were on this stage.
Effie started out her usual cheery self, welcoming the crowd to the 75th Hunger Games and how lucky everyone was to be involved in something so historic as the Quarter Quell. She reminds everyone that this time, everyone of all ages names are placed for reaping, to show there is still no escape for anyone from our terrible past.
The gallows and whipping posts have been deconstructed to make room for the mass of people in the square. Instead of cornered off pens of children there is a line of peacekeepers separating the women and the men. Faces young and old gaze up at Effie with nothing but terror in their eyes. Part of me feels like this is a set up and any moment my mother or Prim's names will be called. It seems like the sort of thing Snow would do to make me suffer.
My stomach churns uncomfortably as I know I will be mentoring whoever steps up in a few moments. Am I ready to live with myself after the death of someone I've known for years – I pray it's not my own family.
Peeta takes my hand and squeezes it has Effie swirls her fingers around in the bowl full of every woman and girl in District 12. He gazes out into the crowd uncomfortably. He has his own family in the pool this year.
"Savannah Twill," Effie reads and my heart hammers with relief. My mother and Prim are safe. Maybe this isn't fixed after all.
A young girl in her early twenties becomes visible in the mass of people as they part around her. Her mouth is open in horror but she quickly closes it, desperately looking around but no one steps forwards to take her place. She walks through and up the steps towards Effie who's holding a hand out in welcome.
I don't know this girl. From the way she's dressed in her green silk dress I imagine she's from the town. She looks to Peeta before taking her place next to Effie. He must know her. Maybe she's a neighbor.
Effie then turns her attention to the male ball of names. My relief is just starting to settle when it all end.
"Gale Hawthorne."
The world ends with a name.
My heart jumps into my throat and my gut wrenches, causing me to double over even though I'm sitting down. I remember where I am and force myself up, trying not to show the fear on my face.
The crowd part as Gale makes his way through. Some of the mining community takes a second to move, not willing to make his way up to the stage. Gale just nods at them and pushes through. This becomes so frequent that the peacekeepers have to make their way through to pull him onto the stage. Despite this show of camaraderie, now one volunteers for him. I want to yell and scream for someone's help but I ball my hands into fists, my fingers digging painfully into my palms. He ignores me as he makes his way over to Effie. He's trying to keep his face as emotionless as mine but I know there's a war going on inside of him.
He acknowledges the terrified blonde next to him and shakes her hand.
I can't pay attention anymore. I shrink into my own bubble of horror. I need to get off the stage soon before I start to hyperventilate. Someone drags me off into the Justice Building. I'm marched straight through and onto the train heading for the Capital, heading to the 75th Hunger Games.
The door of the train slams and I can't take it anymore. I can't keep it together. Breathing becomes harder and I feel like I'm going to vomit. Someone's still clutching me close but it's not comforting – it's suffocating me. I disentangle myself roughly and someone else clutches my arm just as viciously.
The smell of liquor penetrates my senses.
"Remember to smile of the cameras sweetheart," Haymitch hisses in my ear. Surprisingly it does have some effect on me as I try to make sense of his words. We're being watched. I'm giving Snow everything he wants. I straighten up and glare at the drunk. He roughly wipes my face and pulls me into the nearest bedroom. Peeta follows us.
Peeta. His face is warped with concern and fear. I can see a little pain in there too. I try to ignore him. This has nothing to do with him.
"I know what your feeling but you need to pull it together," Haymitch says as quietly as he can. "You'll get the boy hurt easily if your reaction is working."
"This is fixed," I blurt out, unable to stop myself. Haymitch looks like he wants to hit me but retains himself.
"Do you want this boy to live? Then I would keep your opinions to yourself. This is not the place for them."
I could tell what he was saying. Haymitch and I could convey messages no one else could understand. He was telling me that I couldn't say anything treasonous whilst we were being watched. Snow would have his evidence to do worse things to me.
I just glare at him, turning every part of hatred I have right now at him. He just frowns back at me.
"We have a job to do, whether we like it or not."
He turns from the room.
"What's he doing here?" I spit at Peeta, folding my arms together so I don't feel like I'm falling apart.
"He opted to come. We'll be in charge of the umm… tributes," he pauses, gauzing my reaction. I show nothing so he carries on. "But he's a welcomed guest in the Capital."
"He's not welcome here-"
"He's the best chance of our tributes surviving," he counters quickly. I have nothing to say. I just drop onto the bed and put my head between my legs. I haven't quite got hold of myself yet. I'm not sure if I can face Gale. The reality might push me over the edge.
That's what Snow wants. He's done this to ruin me. He could have found a way to kill me but this was better. I was paying for my crimes in a much more painful manner. Why wasn't my mother or Prim called? I refused to believe Gale was by chance. Maybe Snow didn't want it to seem too obvious what he was doing. Gale was a reasonable chance but the mother or sister of the rebellious Katniss Everdeen must have been too clear a statement to the rebels and would only cause more trouble. This way it was more personal. This selection was about me and me alone. He was going to make me watch and mentor Gale to his death.
"We have to go greet our tributes," Peeta says softly, squeezing my shoulder. I don't reply but don't stop him when he pulls me to my feet.
Haymitch is already in the dining cart, a large glass in his hand and surveying the two people in front of him.
Savannah looks at me first. Her big blue eyes probing me but then Gale turns to face me and nothing else matters. He doesn't look scared, in fact he looks quite emotionless, but the moment he sees me, I see a twinge of something dominate his features. He's in this mess because of me. Because I didn't die. Because I let the boy next to me live. I wipe my mind clear. None of this is Peeta's fault. Snow is winning, I already can't think straight.
Effie makes her way into the room.
"Welcome, welcome," she says as brightly as she can, sitting herself opposite Gale and Savannah. "Can we get you anything to drink? You must know our previous winners, Katniss and Peeta, the best District 12 have to offer, you are very lucky to have them as mentors this year. The odds are definitely in your favor!"
Oh Effie. They're not in any of our favors. Everyone in this compartment is likely to end up dead very soon. Maybe not me, maybe I'll be forced to live with the guilt and pain forever. Snow isn't going to stop at Gale. Once he's dead and the rebels have settled back down he'll find a way to kill everyone I love in private – leaving me alone and finally punished for my crimes.
When no one else in the room moves or says anything, Effie tries to push things forward, suggesting we all go and wash up for dinner.
We all take our leave. I can't speak to Gale just yet, I can't. I lock myself alone in my bedroom and shower. I shower in the hottest setting and sit, finally letting everything out, allowing the water to wash everything away. I feel cleansed leaving the shower but now I just have a hollow emptiness inside me.
Deciding I need to face Gale alone and before dinner, I change and plait my hair to dry. I find Gale's room the otherside of the dinning cart, where Peeta's and mine had been last year. I knock and receive a sharp "Go away!"
Wounded, I knock again.
"It's me."
The door opens sharply and I'm confronted face to face with my demons. He stares at me for a few moments, his grey eyes assessing before he finally steps back to let me in. I step through. He's just come out of the shower. He's only put his trousers back on. I gasp as he closes the door. His back is still a mutilated mess from the whipping. He glances around and realizes what I'm reacting to.
"Does that even matter any more compared what I'm about to head into?"
"Don't," is all I can choke out. He shakes his head and pulls on a shirt to cover up his wounds.
"Why didn't you come to see me off? I came straight away when you were called last year."
He's angry at me. I struggle to find an answer, spluttering to find an excuse.
How can I tell him I couldn't deal with it when he's the one heading to the arena. I feel even worse about myself.
"I couldn't," is all that makes it out of my mouth. "I couldn't deal with it."
Gale frowns at me but he must realize he can't stay mad at me, not when we have potentially so little time left.
Finally, I cross the room and embrace him. He holds me strong and close, allowing the panic to surface briefly and sink back as we deal with the situation together. I'm not sure how long we stay like that but Effie knocks on the door announcing dinner and we separate and exit without a word.
Peeta and Savannah are already sat at the table. Peeta eyes Gale and I silently as we emerge from his end of the train. I can't think about Peeta right now, he's not he one in danger at the moment. I seat myself next to him and Gale sits next to Savannah. She's watching the two of us carefully too. Does she know Gale? I try to remember her from school but struggle, she must have finished a good few years before me. She just looks sadly down at her plate and I find that I'm pleased that she's not trying to engage with me. I don't want to get to know her at all.
Maybe it will make it easier when she dies under my supervision.