Decided to write this after seeing the Nasty Patty AU on Tumblr, except I replaced Dipper with Mabel (sorry Dippin Dot fans). I don't know if health inspectors actually go to tourist traps, but this is Gravity Falls, it doesn't have to be 100% realistic. I mean, this is a town that literally made up a holiday just so they could celebrate Halloween twice a year. Anyway, shoutout to my friend TMNTGFKittySidekick01 for giving me inspiration when I got stumped. If you haven't already, check out her stories here on FanFiction.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls, Spongebob Squarepants, or this AU.
Third Person POV
This is a story about the time Stan and Mabel Pines thought they killed the health inspector. It all started on a sunny morning in Gravity Falls, Oregon, when a car parked in front of the Mystery Shack. But this car was no ordinary car. You see, the man driving the car was none other than the health inspector. As soon as Stan noticed, he rushed through the door labelled 'employees only', knowing that's where he would find Mabel.
"Wash your hands! Clean the floors! Change your underwear! The health inspector's here!" Stan shouted to his niece.
Before she could open her mouth to ask what was going on, he dragged her to the door and cracked it open, revealing that the health inspector had just stepped into the gift shop and was already taking notes on his clipboard.
"If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good." Stan explained, "We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes the Mystery Shack."
"But Grunkle Stan, there's no reason to worry." Mabel replied, before looking up at the ceiling, as if in awe. "The Mystery Shack is the most perfect place in the universe."
"You're never gonna make any sense, are you, kid?" Stan asked, but it was meant to be a rhetorical question. "Look, just go out there and give 'em what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him." He said while pushing Mabel out the door. She then confidently walked up to the health inspector with the cutest smile she could pull off.
"How can I help you today… handsome?" She asked, batting her eyes as she said 'handsome'.
"We're doomed." Stan deadpanned. However, the health inspector chose to disregard Mabel's flirtatious behavior. Besides, he had an important job to do: investigate and monitor any potential health hazards. This job required his full attention, for the public's sake.
"I'm gonna need a tour of this establishment to make sure that it's up to the local health codes." He explained.
"Of course, my darling. I'll be right back." Mabel replied while walking backwards through the 'employees only' door. "He wants a tour of the Mystery Shack."
"Then we'll give him our most expensive package!" Stan replied, "The future of the Mystery Shack is at stake!"
They ran up to the inspector and started guiding him around the museum portion of the Mystery Shack while pointing out the many attractions.
"Behold! The cornicorn! The unicorn made out of corn!"
"Look! It's the Six-pack O' Lope! So majestic!"
"And the Thigh-Clops! So unnatural and so wrong, but still so very real!"
"That's enough now!" The health inspector said as he got out of Stan and Mabel's grasp. "Leave me to finish my work in peace."
After waiting in the living room for a couple minutes, Mabel checked on the health inspector again.
"And did the charming inspector enjoy his tour?" She asked politely.
"So far, so good." He responded while writing on his clipboard. "I just need to try one of the ice creams from the freezer and my inspection will be finished."
On the outside, Mabel was just smiling and nodding kindly. But on the inside, she was ecstatic. After telling the inspector that she would be right back, she returned to the living room to give Stan the good news.
"He says if he tries one of the ice creams, he'll pass us for the inspection!" She exclaimed happily, causing Stan to put his hands on her shoulders.
"Do you realize what this means, Mabel?" He asked, "We're in the clear!"
They started to dance around the room, but their celebration was abruptly cut off by a voice coming from the TV. The voice belonged to Shandra Jimenez, the town's news reporter.
"We interrupt this celebratory dance for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to get free service. That's all for now."
Stan and Mabel stared at the TV in shocked silence, but it was quickly broken by Stan.
"Free service?!"
"Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the imposter." Mabel suggested, her tone much more calm than her Grunkle's.
"Don't you get it, kid? He is the imposter! We've been duped!"
"Duped!"
"Bamboozled!"
"We've been kerpranked!"
"That's not even a word and I agree with ya!" They went back by the door and cracked it open, allowing them to see the health inspector. "Look at him. I bet he never changes his underwear."
"I bet he eats his own boogers."
"I bet his mom bought him that hat." Stan closed the door and looked at his niece with a determined look in his eyes. "If that imposter wants an ice cream, then I say we give him one."
"Huh?"
"Just follow me to the kitchen."
Mabel did as Stan instructed, even though she wasn't entirely sure what he was planning. He opened the freezer and pulled out an ice cream that looked exactly like the ones they sell in the gift shop. It was a neapolitan ice cream bar, the kind that was made up of three separate blocks of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry ice cream arranged side by side. He then took a bottle of hot sauce out of the cupboard and started squirting it on the ice cream.
"You're dancin' with the conman now! Join me, pumpkin!"
"It doesn't seem right…" Mabel replied, but then immediately took out a jar of relish out of the refrigerator. "But it feels so good! Relish: the gnarliest stuff in the world." She said as she dumped a spoonful of it on the ice cream.
"Ohh, hold on, I've got a ton of toenail clippings in my office!" As Stan rushed to his office, Mabel went to the bathroom.
"Oops, I dropped it in the toilet!" She said as she "accidentally" dropped the ice cream in the toilet.
"Well, fish it out, and I'll dry it with my socks!"
Stan and Mabel laughed while looking at their disgusting creation.
"This is the most diabolical ice cream ever spawned!" Stan stated, almost in a gloating manner.
"I call it… the Nasty-cle." Mabel replied, causing both of them to laugh again.
"Hey, hurry up with that ice cream!" The inspector demanded, causing Mabel to rush into the gift shop and hand the ice cream to him.
"Here you are, sir. Enjoy." She said, then dashed back into the living room. Surprisingly, he didn't notice that the ice cream had been, um, altered.
Just as he opened his mouth, before he could even take a bite, a fly flew into his throat, causing him to choke. Meanwhile, Stan and Mabel were listening from the living room.
"Listen, he ate it!" Stan exclaimed, causing him and Mabel to look out the door. "Look at him choke!"
They closed the door and laughed at the inspectors misery, not noticing him falling over seemingly nothing, and banging his head on the checkout counter as he fell. The fly finally flew out of his mouth. Stan and Mabel were still laughing, but were once again interrupted by Shandra Jimenez on the television. Seriously, who turned the TV on anyway?
"We interrupt your laughter at other people's misfortune to bring you this news flash. The fake inspector has been captured. Here is his picture." A picture was shown on the TV screen… and it definitely wasn't their guy. Well, this was awkward. "If a health inspector comes to your place of business and he's not this guy, he's real."
"Whew, that's a relief, eh, Grunkle Stan? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it." Said Mabel, sounding a little too optimistic.
Stan cracked open the door and gasped at the sight of the health inspector laying on the ground.
"I don't think he'll be laughing, kid." He said.
"Why, Grunkle Stan?"
"Because that ice cream killed him!"
They closed the door and screamed… then opened the door again, closed it, and screamed once more.
"Grunkle Stan, what are we gonna do?!" Mabel asked, fear apparent in her voice.
"What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted ice cream. Looks like it's the stoney lonesome for you!" Stan replied.
"But you told me to give it to him!"
"Well, you could've talked me out of it!"
Mabel widened her eyes in realization.
"You're right, Grunkle Stan, I'm guilty." She said, "I'll never survive in prison, they'll mop up the floor with me!"
"Get a hold of yourself, Mabel. We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it. We've got to take it out and bury it."
Suddenly, a familiar voice came from the gift shop, "Mr. Pines, what is this body doing here?"
"Go home, Soos."
"Yes, sir!"
After waiting for it to get dark, Stan and Mabel left the Mystery Shack with the unconscious health inspector. Mabel dragged his body by a tissue and kept frantically spraying it with disinfectant, while Stan carried the shovel. They walked up a muddy hill, and Stan decided that they had gone far enough. He handed the shovel to Mabel and ordered her to get started. She began digging a big hole, but then the shovel hit something.
"What's the holdup down there?" Stan asked.
"There's a big rock in the way!"
"Well toss it out and get back to diggin'!"
Mabel did as she was told and tossed the rock out of the hole. At that moment, the health inspector was starting to wake up, but the rock almost immediately hit him on the head, causing him to pass out again.
When Mabel finished digging the hole, she buried the health inspector… sort of.
"Somethin's not quite right."
"What do you mean, Grunkle Stan?"
"His head's stickin' out!"
It was true. While the rest of the health inspector's body was underground, his head was sticking out of the ground. Mabel sat by his head and started covering it with mud.
"Sorry Grunkle Stan, I thought he might need air."
"They don't need air where he's going."
Stan started walking down the hill, with Mabel slightly lagging behind.
"Shouldn't we say a few words?" She asked. Stan only managed to get a few words out before he was cut off by a sobbing Mabel.
"What a brave man, going in the line of duty like that! Why? Why?! Why?!"
"Listen here, ya little gremlin. No one, and I mean no one, can ever know about this. It'll be the of you, it'll be the end of me, and worst of all, it'll be the end of me."
Before Mabel could even process what Stan had just said, a flashlight was suddenly shining on them. They looked to see where the light was coming from: a cop car.
"Stop right where you are!" It was Sheriff Blubs, the head of the Gravity Falls Police Department, and sitting next to him was Deputy Durland. "I'm afraid we're gonna have to arrest the two of you!"
"Grunkle Stan, I'm too young to go to jail!" Mabel cried while gripping Stan's leg in fear. Without hesitating, Stan put his hand over Mabel's mouth.
"And what would be the charges?" He asked, and then it was like a switch had been flipped. Blubs lowered the flashlight, turned it off and smiled.
"For not being at the Mystery Shack to give us a couple of delicious ice creams!" Blubs replied, which made him and Deputy Durland laugh. Stan played along and started laughing, he nudged Mabel and encouraged her to do the same. She laughed, but it was more forced than Stans.
As this was happening, it started to rain. The rain washed the mud off the health inspector and made him slide down the hill.
"Put that muddy shovel in the trunk and we'll give you a ride back." Said Blubs. Mabel was still laughing like a broken record until Stan nudged her a second time. He opened the trunk and Mabel put the shovel in.
"Kid, listen carefully. We're just getting a lift back to the Mystery Shack. I need you to stay calm, and don't lose your cool. You understand?" Stan asked.
Before Mabel could respond, she felt something hit her foot. She looked down to see what it was, and the sight nearly made her heart stop.
"Can I lose my cool now?" She asked in a timid voice.
"Why?" Stan asked. Mabel pointed down at the health inspector, who was now all the way down the hill. They both screamed. Stan grabbed the body and handed it to Mabel.
"Put it in the trunk! I'll keep the cops busy!" Stan said before walking by the cop's car window and started talking to them as a distraction.
"Get away!" Mabel shouted as she threw the inspector in the trunk and sprayed herself with disinfectant. The health inspector once again started to get up, but Mabel slammed the trunk lid on his head before she could notice.
"Ok, all set back here." She said to Stan and the cops. "Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the trunk. Heh heh."
Stan got in the car and put on his seatbelt, "All set!"
Mabel slid in the car, almost motionlessly.
"You ok there?" Deputy Durand asked, both him and Sheriff Blubs shooting concerned looks in her direction.
"Oh, she gets carsick real easy." Stan responded.
"Well buckle up and we'll drive real smooth-like." Blubs assured before driving off.
"Now listen, Mabel, when we get back to the Mystery Shack, I want you to take that shovel and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff- uhh, I mean, stow it in the freezer. Understand?" Stan asked.
"I understand, Grunkle Stan." Mabel replied, "But what do you want me to do with the bo-" Stan covered her mouth before she could finish.
"-ttles of soda! Bottles of soda! Same thing, put 'em in the freezer."
Once they got back to the Mystery Shack, Mabel waited for Stan and the two cops to walk in before opening the trunk and dragging the body out.
"Oh man, this is so gross!" She said to herself as she walked up to the back door. She tried opening it, but it wouldn't budge. It was locked.
"Alright, no need to panic." Mabel said in a slightly panicked tone as she took out her grappling hook (which she took everywhere she went) and used it to pull herself to the attic, then she grabbed as many sweaters as she could. Then she carefully climbed back down from the attic window and started covering the inspector's body with her sweaters.
Meanwhile, Stan was distracting the cops in the museum portion of the shack, away from the freezer. Suddenly, he heard the front door open, and saw Mabel standing in the doorway with a big pile of sweaters next to her.
"Hey there, Mabel!" Stan said, trying to sound calm. "I thought you were out back taking care of that shovel."
"Well, the back door was locked, so I came around here." Mabel replied. She started pushing the pile of sweaters across the floor. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go put my sweaters in the freezer now. It's just… so hot during summer and I want them to be cold the next time I wear them."
"Ok then, Mabel!" Stan replied.
"Is she ok?" Durland asked.
"She's acting a little funny." Blubs added.
"Funny? Oh, yeah!" Stan replied, "She's a real comedian, that one. She knows how to keep the growing stages! Good one, sweetie! Always on, that one, there's no off on her funny switch!"
As Mabel shoved her sweaters into the gift shop portion of the shack, somebody's voice came from Sheriff Blub's walkie talkie.
"86 those ice creams, Mr. Pines." Blubs said, "We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff over by Main Street."
"I want a soda." Durland said. Stan quickly ran out of the room and returned with a cup of Pitt Cola, the most popular soft drink in Gravity Falls.
"Here's your soda! Always a pleasure to serve our town's officers. Well, goodbye now!" Stan said.
"Hey, there's no ice!" Durand replied as he looked in the cup with a disappointed look on his face.
"Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice?" Stan asked with a nervous tone. Mabel walked back in and stood next to her Grunkle, her eyes unblinking.
"The dark deed you requested is done, Grunkle Stan."
Durland started waking to the gift shop.
"I'll get it myself." He said, "Ice is in the freezer, right?"
"There is no ice! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!" Stan said while trying to block the gift shop doorway, but Durland just walked around him, followed by Blubs.
"You people act like you've committed a murder." Blubs said.
Stan and Mabel exchanged nervous glances.
"Ok, I confess! Mabel killed him!" Said Stan.
"What?! You can't pin this whole thing on me!" Mabel replied defensively.
"She was insane! Out of control! She would've killed me too if you two hadn't come along!"
"It was all Grunkle Stan's idea!"
"Put her down! She's a mad dog!"
"He wears a girdle!"
"Wait! It's not what you think!"
"What are you two talking about?" Blubs asked.
"We killed the health inspector!" Stan replied, "Buried him and then stuffed his body in the freezer!"
"You mean in here?" Durland asked before opening the freezer… with no body in sight.
"It's empty?" Stan asked, mostly to himself.
"Is this some kind of a joke?" Durland asked, sounding confused.
"Yeahhh… a joke!" Stan replied in a not so convincing way.
"Say, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out." Blubs joked.
Everybody laughed, but it was cut short when they heard somebody moaning. They turned around and saw a shadowy figure. Mabel screamed.
"It's the zombie!" She yelled.
Then the lights were turned on… by the health inspector. There really was no zombie. He only managed to get out a 'hey, you guys' before Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland started frantically hitting him with their nightsticks.
"Wait, this guy's not a zombie." Blubs said, "He's just an ordinary health inspector."
"Yes." The inspector replied, "And at risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this."
He then held up a piece of paper with the word 'pass' on it checked.
"Hey, Grunkle Stan, look. We passed the inspection!" Everyone except for the health inspector cheered.
"Come on, everybody. Ice creams at half price!" Stan said, "Well, not really."
"Oh boy, I'd like an ice cream…" The health inspector said before passing out on the floor.
This took so much longer than it should've! This is really silly, but I hope you enjoyed anyway!