Bow Before the Dead
Fandom: D. Gray-man
Characters: Komui Lee
Warning: Major Character Death
The first time Komui was confronted with the death of an exorcist, it hit him harder than he expected. He was used to death. He had read every thing he could about the children who died from the experimentation, and he had seen dead finders every day since he joined the Order.
Reading and seeing were vastly different things. The exorcist had been a fifteen years old girl, Susan, the daughter of one of Reever's subordinates.
The accusing look he received when they came back with her body, torn and bloody, her parasitic type Innocence mercilessly ripped from her chest, would stay with him until the end of his life.
He had been the one who sent her, the one who chose her mission and who decided she was qualified enough for it. Strong enough.
He had been wrong.
Her father resigned the next day, and they never heard of him again, but Komui would never be able to erase his eyes from his mind. They followed him everywhere, even in his nightmares, and yet he couldn't find it in himself to blame him for his rising stress and sleepless nights.
He held Lenalee close as she cried for her fellow exorcist, and wondered if one day it would be her turn.
He spent way more time studying potential mission than he used too, staying up all night drinking coffee and making sure it was the right choice, that Tina didn't risk severe injuries in this particular mission, that Kanda wouldn't have to use too much of his regenerative abilities.
He tinkered for hours after sunset, making better golems and better barriers because the finders needed them to stay alive.
Paperwork cluttered his desk, but he didn't care. Signatures weren't more important than preserving human lives.
Every day, he assigned a new team to a new location and waited for them to send their reports or find Innocence and hopefully come home alive.
Every day, there were some that never did.
He looked down as the empty coffins. There were no bodies to burn, the latest casualties having been turned to dust by Akuma.
He could do nothing but close his eyes and tilt his body forward, thanking them for their sacrifice.
And then he went back to his office to riffle through files and select a team for the next mission.
The two new exorcists weren't found; they came to the Order by themselves.
Lavi and Bookman came in at a bad time, there had been a huge battle and many lives had been lost, and they weren't exactly allies. They wouldn't even know they existed if they hadn't decided to come. They were there only to record, and it was by pure luck they had chosen their side.
Still, Komui welcomed them, and first sent them to the Head Nurse for a physical check up. He needed to know everything he could to make sure that their new not-exactly-allies would survive, and decided not to think too much about why the Innocence didn't make them Fall if they weren't really on its side.
Lavi was around Kanda's age, and Komui smiled at their antics. Daisya immediately took a liking to the redhead, and while Kanda didn't like the boys' carefree attitude, Lenalee thought their relationship was funny.
It was nice to see her bonding with people her age — even if they were boys — but it still saddened him to think that those four were children.
It shouldn't be up to them to save the world.
He didn't really know what to expect of Cross' apprentice of three years, but it certainly wasn't a skinny fifteen year old. Cross was never one to care about people, so why would he even take an apprentice? Maybe his cursed eye had made him interesting for the General…
Still, it looked like that the only new exorcists were children, lately. And parasitic type one. He would have to study him carefully before sending him on any mission.
He spent the night reviewing Timcanpy's records as well as what he knew about his arm and deciding who would be Allen's partner for his first mission.
He had a new family member to keep safe.
"From General Tiedoll's unit: Daisya Barry. From General Sokaro's unit: Kazaana Reed, Chalker Laboun. From General Cloud's unit: Tina Spark, Gwen Flail, Sol Garen. A total of 6 exorcists, all dead. Including the finders, it's a total of 148 death confirmed."
They hadn't suffered such a loss in years.
Komui listened to Reever's list of names, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he hadn't been good enough.
As always, he bowed, thanked them, and welcomed them home.
He couldn't stop thinking about it — about those families who would never know their relatives were dead, about his men who were losing hope. He needed to think about victory, but he wouldn't forget that he had failed them.
He didn't dream about the eyes anymore. Instead, he saw his family dying and it was his fault.
It wouldn't stop him; he wouldn't let it. He needed to keep working, to keep the Science Section busy making better equipment.
He wouldn't fail them again.
The weeks following team Cross' departure from China had been exhausting. Allen had died, but survived thanks to his Innocence — if anyone had told him he would one day thank the Innocence for anything, he would have called them insane. A Level 3 informed them that the other exorcists had reached Japan, and that was everything they knew. It wasn't exactly reassuring, but after days without news from both teams, they were thankful that they were even alive.
And then they came home.
All of them, including Cross. It was a miracle.
Of course, things couldn't stay joyful forever, because as soon as they were settled in the infirmary, Central decided to poke their self-righteous nose into the Ark incident.
He felt dread settle inside him as he realized that, once again, his exorcists weren't threatened by Noah or Akuma, but by the Order itself.
Lenalee had fallen into Leverrier's hands once. He wouldn't let that man get his sticky fingers on anyone else.
After all those years as Supervisor, the exorcists' well being was one of his priorities. It was like a mantra running around his head, motivating him to be better, more efficient.
Keep them as safe as possible. Keep them alive. Make sure they can always come home.
He had come to the Order looking for his only family and found himself with the responsibility of a bigger one. He couldn't allow himself to let them down.
Komui hated being so weak.
He could do nothing but watch as a Level 4 slaughtered scientists and finders. The barriers he had made and improved so the finders could protect themselves and fight against Akuma had been useless.
He had to watch has his men's blood splattered, as their heads were torn off, as an Akuma invaded their home bringing death and destruction with it.
Dozens of dead and even more wounded, Headquarters in ruins, their numbers so reduced that they would need to bring scientists from different branches, because Komui had failed again.
Lenalee once again bound to something she hated. Allen, unconscious, controlled by his own Innocence. All the exorcists had suffered some wounds. It should have been their safe place to rest between battles.
But no, everything had been destroyed and Komui had been unable to do anything. It seemed like the only thing he was good at was, as usual, bow before the dead and thank them for their hard work.
He had thought things were bad before, but they went even more downhill after that. They had to move to a new Headquarter. Allen was the 14th's vessel. Cross was gone, probably dead. Allen wanted them to kill him if the Noah took over. Every day brought its new package of bad news and Komui wasn't sure how he could still keep the cheerful facade up, but he did.
They were all tired, irritated, frustrated, and Central's constant presence in their new home only made things worse. Link wasn't a bad guy, but he worked for Leverrier, and Komui couldn't trust anyone working for Leverrier.
Of course, to make things even worse, the Order had dropped to a new low by not only recruiting a nine year old but also by starting human experimentation again.
It was like they hadn't learned their lesson nine years ago. Whatever the Epsteins had been doing, it would inevitably end in a tragedy.
His and Bak's prediction had been right, and Komui had been once again powerless. They had lost Kanda, Bookman and Lavi, Allen was in prison and half the exorcists were stuck in the infirmary.
Keep them alive, his mind supplied. Keep them as safe as possible. Always welcome them home.
He couldn't afford to break down, even when Allen was declared a traitor. The exorcists needed him, so he smiled and took break from work to play chess with Timothy and make cute golems and Komurins. He was too exhausted to enjoy it, but he couldn't let them now. He was their fixed point; the person waiting for them at home with a hug and a smile on his face; they couldn't see him fail.
He sent General Tiedoll with Miranda and Krory in Russia. There were rumors of Innocence, and Akuma were gathering in a small city.
They came back with God's crystal, and Miranda's funerals were held the next day.
The Supervisor gritted his teeth and tried not to cry as he held Lenalee against him.
He needed to be better.
Komui's current exhaustion didn't matter; the war wouldn't wait for him to rest. So he ignored his need for sleep, drank coffee, and worked. The exorcists and finders needed better, stronger weapons and only the Science Section could provide.
"Keep them alive," he muttered to himself, bent over calculations.
He ignored the strange look he got. He ignored the whispers born from the differences between the man and the rumors. People always said he was lazy, constantly sleeping, always joking and never working. Yet it didn't seem to match Komui anymore.
It wasn't that much of a surprise. War changed people, and even though he had been leading the European Branch for almost a decade, the past year had seemed to go faster than any other.
It was like they were at a critical point and everything was currently being determined. People were anxious, scrambling to put things back together and trying to gain some advantage.
Nobody was fooled, though. They never had any advantage and gaining some was unlikely.
All they could do was to try their best, and thank those who sacrificed themselves for a war they had no hope of winning.
Allen had been seen somewhere in Europe. He sent Kanda, now General, along with Lenalee and Marie. They came back with a seriously injured Kanda and reports of silver eyes turning gold.
The Order didn't organize funerals for traitors, but it didn't stop them from mourning.
It was Komui's responsibility to take care of everyone. To keep them from breaking. His cheerful face, eccentricities and usual antics didn't make anyone smile or roll their eyes anymore.
Lenalee started to tell people to keep walking forward. Those who were desperate, who wanted something to cling on, to give them hope, listened.
Timothy wasn't doing well either. He was way too young for this, and the others did their best to keep him happy. But Allen was gone, and Miranda dead, and Lavi missing, and he was starting to understand war better than ever. He tried to be strong, but they knew it was hard on the ten year old.
Komui's heart broke a bit more when Timothy stopped crying. He just stared blankly as Klaud's body was cremated.
Komui wished he could do more for those children.
The dead kept piling up.
The Noah twins killed Krory. He took them down with him, but it was only a small consolation.
A week later Sheryl Kamelot defeated General Sokaro. Thankfully, Timothy, on a mission with the General, survived. He was harshly interrogated by Leverrier, and revealed that the Fourteenth, Cross by his side, stepped in and messily dismembered the Noah of Desire.
The boy was never the same again. His eyes were haunted in a way that was almost painful to look at, and Komui spent hours helping him fall asleep without nightmares.
He went to the chapel and bowed in front of the coffins waiting to be burned, thanking them for their efforts and promising again that he wouldn't fail next time.
He wasn't sure he could do it, but he had to try.
The extermination of the Noah Clan had started again. It was like the Fourteenth and Cross knew exactly where each mission took place and made a point of showing up. It was probably Link. The CROW had been seen with them several times, despite all evidence of him being dead.
Of course, the dead didn't always stay that way.
After the Fourteenth and his allies started to kill the Noahs, things went even faster. They also regularly made a polite conversation with an exorcist to update them on the situation or, more precisely, on the always rising number of dead Noahs.
Considering him an ally was a mistake Komui wasn't willing to make, despite Leverrier's attempts to convince him otherwise. The Inspector believed he could control the Fourteenth despite Cross' presence, that he would only attack other Noahs.
Kanda had to die before the man realized no one could control him.
He had promised Allen to kill the Fourteenth, and he never stopped trying. He was killed and Mûgen shattered by the traitor of the Noah Clan.
Logic told Komui he wasn't at fault. When it came to the exorcists, Komui had stopped listening to logic and started praying.
(He didn't like relying on God but he was desperate. He tried to reassure the exorcists, it felt fake and they knew he was broken too.)
Between the Fourteenth and what was left of the exorcists, there were maybe four Noahs left, including the Earl.
He found an old file in his office and looked through it before letting out a bitter laugh. He wished missions were still about finding Innocence and the Heart.
It was like both side had realized what kind of shitty situation there were in and were trying to kill each other off as quickly as possible, while the Fourteenth got rid any exorcist hindering him on his path towards the Noah Clan's destruction.
They had lost Chao Ji and General Tiedoll because of him. The former General, Cross Marian, seemed to be an exception to his disdain for humans, but Komui had no idea how long it would last. Link hadn't been seen for a while now, and people thought the Fourteenth had gotten rid of him.
They had three exorcists left, not including Lavi and Bookman, who had been declared dead.
Sometimes, during wars, people just disappeared and were never heard of again. They had their own, empty graves next to they comrades', and Komui regularly visited them to apologize. He didn't promise to be better anymore; he knew he would never be.
"Don't stop," he whispered to an empty room. "Keep walking forward."
He wanted to remember what it felt like to have hope.
The Earl and what was left of the Noah Clan were dead, and the remaining exorcists came back.
Komui bowed deeply in front of the three black coffins. The war was over; he didn't need to pretend anymore. He was allowed to break down and cry.
He couldn't. He felt empty. Dead inside.
"Thank you for your hard work," he managed to say, his eyes burning but still dry. "And welcome home."
There was a note on his desk with an address on it, with the words "just in case you want to see them."
The note took him to a church in the countryside. An old woman took one look at him and sent him toward the small graveyard, where the Fourteenth was sitting, facing a bunch tombstones.
"What happened?" Komui asked.
"Mana killed Cross," the Fourteenth answered. "I killed Al and Mana."
The Order didn't hold funeral for traitors and deserters, so the Fourteenth did.
(Still, Komui couldn't look at him, not when he had killed exorcists and wore the face of a family member.)
"Mana?"
"The Earl, my brother. We were family, all four of us. Then Mana went crazy. I had to save him. I had to kill him, I didn't want Al to die but—"
Komui just nodded.
"We still won," the Fourteenth added. "I should be happy. We won."
"It doesn't feel that way."
"No, it doesn't."
The Fourteenth gave him a tight smile and left, and Komui could've sworn there were tears on his face. He never saw him again.
The war was won but everything else was lost.
Thank you for reading! I always wondered how Komui felt like, surrounded by people who could die any moment. We got some glimpses of it in the manga but…well, I extrapolated from here?
Reviews are always welcome, please don't hesitate!
See you ~