I was shocked by the utter absence of clinic duty fics, so I wrote some.
I don't own House MD, but I do own the first three seasons on DVD, which I suppose is close enough.
Do not repost without permission, or I shall hunt you down and slap your plagiarizing little face.

UPDATE: Edited and re-formatted

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"Good evening Doctor," the cheery desk nurse greeted House as he shuffled into the clinic.

"Your words, not mine." House didn't like clinic duty, but if you didn't already know that then you have no business reading this story.

"Your first patient is Ms Warner, she's in exam room three. She is complaining of hypersomnia." For those of you without medical training, it means she is tired for no reason. House stumbled into the exam room, to begin his long boring day.

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"I'm tired all the time,"

"Yes, Ms Warner. Is there anything else you wish to tell me?"

"No, I'm just tired."

How wonderful it is that people can be so helpful. House sighed to himself. "Are you under any particular stress lately? Any major change in your lifestyle?"

"No, I'm ju-"

"Yeah, yeah. You're just tired. Are you taking any medications?"

"Um, let's see. Eye drops, hand cream. Oh, and Ambien"

House stared at her, a look of disbelief on his face. "You're taking Ambien?"

"Yes."

"As in the chemical Zolpidem sold under the brand name Ambien?"

"Yes."

"You are aware that Ambien is a sedative."

"Yes, do you think that this is a side effect?"

"No, I think that it is the main effect. Your sleeping pills are making you sleepy. Hence the phrase 'sleeping pill'. Perhaps you should stop taking the Ambien."

"But how am I supposed to sleep?"

And that was just about enough. House rolled his chair to the desk, pulled out a prescription pad and began writing. "Follow these instructions and you should be just fine" He ripped the sheet off and, handing it to the lady, walked out. Ms Warner turned the piece of paper over and read the note which said

"GO AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK"

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"Diagnosis, severe brain damage." House put the file on the nurse's desk.

"Brain damage? She seemed fine to me."

"You didn't spend five minutes trying to explain why sleeping pills cause hypersomnia"

The nurse smiled at House and gave him another file. "Mr Cartier, room seven. He declined to say why he needed assistance"

"Wonderful, that means it's too embarrassing to tell everyone and I'll probably end up covered in something unpleasant"

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House walked into the exam room and saw a young man who looked more at home at a rock concert "Well Mr Cartier, what seems to be the trouble?"

"Hey, dude, could you give me some of that medical marijuana"

Good lord the nerve of some people. "Can you give me a good reason for this prescription, dude?"

"Uh yeah, I've got that," at this point the pulled a scrap of paper out of his pocket "Glo-ca-ma?"

"You mean glaucoma."

"Yeah, mine's so bad I can hardly walk"

House muttered something rude under his breath and said aloud "Glaucoma is a retinal disorder. It means you have diseased eyes"

The patient paused for a moment and said, "Yeah my eyes are so bad I can hardly walk."

House began to yell something at the stoner, but then he smiled and pulled out his prescription pad. "Here, I'm going to write you a prescription for THC pills, it's pretty much the same thing"

The patient was incredulous "They make chronic in pills? Dude!" and after high-fiving House, he left.

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"You're not covered in anything" the nurse remarked as House twisted the top off his Vicodin.

"He wanted a hash fix, so I wrote him a prescription for THC in pill form."

The nurse looked up at him "Doesn't that cause horrible nausea?"

House shrugged and said "Oops"

The nurse threw him a dirty look "You know, you really shouldn't have done that"

"I was saving that boy's life. Everyone knows that pot is a gateway to other stupid behavior"

The nurse mumbled something which sounded vaguely like 'vicodin' and handed House another file. "Mr Jacobi is in the room nine, his son is not well."

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"Good evening, I'm Doctor House. You told the nurse that your son is ill."

The man said to House "I think my son is pregnant" Without saying another word House turned around and left the exam room.

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The nurse was walking back to her desk when she saw House come back to the waiting room "That was fast."

House replied "They left before I went in."

"That's odd, I didn't see them leave"

"Well, the dad was long gone by the time I got there."

The nurse reached over the desk and grabbed another file "Your last patient today is Mrs. Hart, she says her baby is ill. She's in room four."

House groaned "A paranoid mother who thinks her baby is dying, lovely."

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The first thing House saw as he entered the exam room was a perfectly healthy looking baby. The second thing he saw was a woman on the verge of collapse. "I'm Dr House, what seems to -"

"Doctor, something horrible has happened to my baby." House tried to calm the woman,

"Ma'am, please relax. Have a seat. Now tell me. What is wrong with your baby"

The woman sat down and said "The other day, Suzie…sh… she swallowed a quarter"

House was loosing his patience (not a pun) "Ma'am, babies swallow change all the time. There's nothing to worry about, just wait for it to pass through her system."

"Well, that's just the thing. It did pass. I noticed it this morning when I changed her diaper"

"Okay... then what's the trouble?"

"Well, it was…she… I saw… Well, here"

And she held up a small zip-top bag. House looked in the bag and his jaw dropped. He had been a doctor for nearly twenty-five years and he had never seen anything like this.

Inside the bag were two dimes and a nickel.

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House, handed the nurse his last file, he still had a dumbfounded look on his face. "What's wrong? Is the baby alright?"

House looked at her and said "Call Commerce Bank."

"Why?"

"I've just found a race of human ATM's." And with that, House left the clinic, and went home.

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Thanks for reading, please review.