Disclaimer: I do not own. Kelley Armstrong is the magical person with the pen who created the wonderful world that the Darkest Powers and its characters come from. I only wish I was she.
Hmmm...well I wrote this because I kind of wondered what Derek's thoughts would be like after he saw Simon holding Chloe's hand in the van on the way to the safe house, so this takes place in Derek's head right after he witnesses that little act in the Awakening. I hope I managed to stay in Derek's character, that poor guy is so filled with self-loathing. I won't lie I was a little sad writing some of this. He's way to hard on himself that guy, and I stuck to that part of him hopefully pretty well. I didn't want to really use first person, so I kinda did an outsider's view of Derek's thoughts. Just so you know I love Derek, and I don't know if it's just me, but I wish the guy would stop putting himself down. He's awesome.
This little bit before the solid line is what I started with and used for my inspiration. I jotted it down one night before falling asleep. I kind of branched off from it, and used it as my starting point for the actual fanfic.
Lone wolf. All alone. Wandering. Never stopping to let someone in. Until her. How did I let her in? Now it'll only hurt more when she picks him. Cause there is no way in hell she'd ever pick me. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I hoped for her to want me, but I knew even hoping was pushing my luck. Girls like her didn't go for guys like me. Hell, no girls go for me, and she's better than other girls are. My mate. If only it went both ways. Now I'll always be a lone wolf. All alone. Wandering.
This is my first Darkest Powers Fanfic, and I hope I did the other Derek fans out there proud. Enjoy!
He'd always be alone. The few memories he had of living in the Edison Group's facilities told him that much. Being alone was in his past and it was definitely in his future. He had been different from the other werewolf pups. He hadn't belonged. They wanted to fight, but he knew fighting wouldn't solve anything, so he kept to himself. Even keeping out of their way didn't help sometimes, they'd find some unorthodox reason to attack him, or gang up on him just for the fun of it. The others had liked violence, but he hadn't. He preferred math, or reading, something that he felt had an answer for him to find. There was safety in always being able to find a solution; it was that feeling of security that drew him to learning. Math didn't hit or bite you, sure, it couldn't talk to you either, but at least it didn't hurt him. He knew he was missing out by not having any friends, but he figured nothing was better than the lot he had to deal with. He hadn't wanted to be friends with the other boys, but he also hadn't wanted to be their enemy. He had been bigger than the others had been, but he was alone, they at least had each other. They were a pack, while he was just a lone wolf. A lone wolf, searching for something more, he just didn't know what yet.
He wanted to be happy, but he knew it was something that he would probably never feel. He was wrong about that, eventually he did feel happiness, just not while being cooped up in a cage like an animal. When he went to live with Kit and Simon his whole life changed. Sure, he was still a werewolf, but now he had a chance to live, a chance to be free. He could run around outside, or play with anything he wanted without being yelled at. Kit wasn't afraid to be around him, and he appreciated that. No other adult had every actually showed him any form of genuine kindness. The adults at the Edison Group had always treated him with a false tenderness that seemed to radiate fear. Whenever they came to see him and the other boys, they were always afraid of what might happen. They thought they were dangerous, and that they would randomly burst into violence, which might've been true for the other boys, but it never had been for him. He knew that violence was wrong, and yet they still stereotyped him and placed him in the same league as the real troublemakers. He hoped that some day he could escape the prejudice that he had encountered from the moment he was born, only now was he beginning to understand how deep that prejudice ran.
At his new home with Kit and Simon he was finally able to understand the joys that he'd read about in books. He knew what a playground looked like, and he finally felt love. He'd never felt loved before. The people at the Edison Group didn't believe in coddling their subjects, especially when they felt they were dangerous, but Kit, or Dad, was nothing like that. He treated Derek as his son, and Simon treated him like a brother. They were his family. His pack, or at least that's how it felt to him. He had known that he would do anything to protect either of his family members if something bad was going to happen to them, he would protect them with his own life if that were what it would take to save them. He had wondered if that was what an actual pack felt like. A love so strong, that your own life seemed unimportant. Maybe that was just the fact that he loved them. He'd never loved anyone before so he really didn't know, but he figured that pack life was more barbaric and territorial than that. At the Edison Group the other pups had never genuinely seemed to care for each other, it was as if they knew together they were stronger than when they were alone; that since they were all the same they should stick together, especially since they always seemed so against anything or anyone that was different. When he thought about the way they acted to others, it was clear that the prejudice involved with werewolves seemed to go both ways, at least for some it did. Once again, Derek seemed the oddball out.
When he was younger, he had always been able to ask Kit questions about werewolves, and even though he was a sorcerer and knew very little about them, he still tried his best to answer Derek's questions. When Simon had gotten old enough to start practicing his own magic, Derek would watch the two of them interact, and he'd wonder if he would ever meet someone to explain his own abilities to him. Kit could only help him so far along, and the rest was a guessing game. They'd never know what the Edison Group had done to him as a child, so there was no way to tell how Derek's change into a werewolf would progress, and that had left him scared. They all knew that only time would tell how it would all unfold, so they were left to wait until it became evident that Derek's change was going along earlier than expected, and with what seemed like a vengeance. When it hit him, it hit him hard. He chuckled as he remembered what Chloe had called it when he'd overheard her while she was talking to Rae, "Puberty Smackdown."
He could be patient, growing up the way that he had made sure of that. For so long Derek had learned to depend on the sureness that everything had an answer, but if his problem had one, he had no clue how to figure it out what it was. He hoped that everything would work itself out, but he had had his doubts even then. Now, he knew it wouldn't work itself out, and he'd just have to learn to deal with that. Maybe he could do it with less scowling though. Nah...there was no point in putting on a happy face for anyone, he might as well share his discontent with everyone. He preferred to live his life without hiding, so why should he put up a fake front just to please somebody else. He shouldn't that's the point, but scowling took a lot out of a guy, that's for sure. He missed being a kid, when just being allowed to run around the front lawn had put a smile on his face. Now the only people who could make him smile seemed to Simon, and Chloe.
Chloe. He didn't really know what he felt about her. It was different, new. Over the last few weeks on the run, he'd gotten close to her. Closer than he'd ever gotten to anyone, other than Simon and Kit, and even then, it had taken him months to warm up to them. Of course, those were completely different situations, with completely different results. He loved his family, but he was in love with Chloe. He didn't know how the feelings he felt for his family and Chloe could be described with such similar terms. Love, it must be pretty damn universal that's for sure, cause there was no way in hell he felt the same way about Simon as he did Chloe. I mean it'd be pretty messed up if he did, seeing as Simon was like his brother, and Chloe was well...Chloe. Everything about her made him smile. He had no clue how he let her get so close, but he had. Even before leaving Lyle's House he'd felt something for her, but those feelings had grown exponentially in the weeks following their first escape. It had taken him far too long to come to terms with the way that he felt about her, but now that he had, he did feel better. He wasn't going to broadcast his love or anything, but admitting it to himself had made all the difference. He felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, as if he could breathe again.
He didn't know how she felt about him, but it didn't really matter because he knew his brother liked her. She obviously cared for him too, or she'd do something to hinder his advances, but she let him comfort her. She let him hold her hand, and not once had she told him to stop. Nothing she had done seemed to contradict her liking Simon, nothing except the way she behaved with him. She'd stayed with Derek during both of his partial changes, whispering words of encouragement the whole time, and never once acting as if she'd rather be somewhere else. She seemed genuinely interested in what happened to him, and wanted to ease the pain he was feeling. Then, after my fight with Liam, she was so concerned with his injuries, even though he knew she was afraid, but then again maybe the fear was for him. Maybe she was afraid of Liam or Ramon hurting him, not just being hurt herself.
No. He couldn't think things like that. If he encouraged himself it would only hurt more when she chose Simon in the end. He knew that in the end Simon would get his girl, he always did. Derek only hoped that this time would be different, that Simon wouldn't treat Chloe the way he had treated girls in the past. Simon had so many girlfriends that he hadn't even been able to keep up, not that he wanted to, but still Simon went through them like they were cigarettes, as soon as he was finished he'd get a new one from the pack. If Simon did that to Chloe, Derek didn't know what he'd do.
Simon was his brother, but Chloe was his...mate. There he finally admitted that too, only he didn't feel better. Werewolves were similar to wolves in many ways, and the mating for life was one of the similarities. Derek knew that if Chloe chose Simon he'd be alone again, but he didn't care. He knew it was messed up for him to want his mate to be with someone else, and his wolf self was very opposed to the idea. His wolf self was the main reason that he was always interrupting Simon and Chloe when they were alone, and he happily obliged. Knowing that if he interrupted them they weren't likely to do anything to make him get angry. He didn't know what would happen if he got too jealous, and he was scared that he might take out his frustration and anger on Simon, and that was something he'd do anything to prevent. He wanted to protect Simon almost as much as he craved protecting Chloe. Despite his jealousy, he knew being with him would be way to dangerous for Chloe, and he loved her enough that he would take the sacrifice of being alone over causing her pain. He didn't want to be the reason for her hurting, when all he wanted to do was protect her and keep her safe. So he'd let her be with Simon, even if it hurt him.
What was he talking about though; there was no way Chloe would even want to be with him, so he didn't have to worry about hurting her that way. No girl in their right mind would ever choose to be with him, girls didn't exactly go for his type. He was in the awkward stages of puberty and there was no sign that it was letting up any time soon. He'd probably still be showering several times a day for the next couple of years, or who knew maybe after his full change it'd slow down. He hoped it would, he was self-conscious enough as it was. Maybe one day he'd find someone, but he knew it wouldn't be Chloe, she was amazing, and no one that amazing would ever fall for him. The only reason she was kind to him was that she was Chloe. Chloe was the kindest and most compassionate person he'd ever met. Hell, even after Tori had went all sadistic and crazy on her she still insisted on her being allowed to tag along with us. He was also Simon's brother, so Chloe was probably nicer to him for Simon's benefit. She wouldn't be the first girl, but he still didn't think that was right. Chloe was far too genuine to do something like that. She probably just felt sorry for him. Somehow, her pity didn't sit right with him. He didn't want his mate pitying him, it wasn't right.
He should stop thinking about her like that, he knew the wolf part of him considered her his mate, and by proxy so did his human self, but it didn't make it right. She would never choose to be linked to him in that way, especially since with wolves, it was for life. They were a little young for that. He couldn't help hoping that her behaviour towards him meant that she might feel the same way, but he didn't let himself dwell on those thoughts because they only caused him pain. It'd be far worse to know that she felt the same way, but that they still couldn't be together, which they couldn't because the Edison Group was right, he was dangerous. The boy he had left paralyzed earlier that year proved that, he was out of control, and he wouldn't subject her to that. If he changed and something happened, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. He never wanted to hurt her, so it would be better to avoid getting to close to her. Deep down he knew that because he'd already chosen his mate, even though it was only one-sided, that he would never find anyone to replace her.
If he didn't get Chloe, he'd always be alone. He'd never find anyone to spend his life with because he already found her. The first time he saw Chloe he knew there was something about her and he actually saw her, which was weird. He'd never actually noticed a girl before her, and he didn't think he ever would again. He'd been around girls before, that much is obvious, but other than noticing their features, nothing had ever caught his eye. With Chloe, it was as if he could see inside her, he could see that she was so genuine, and that she was special. When he'd first met her he reasoned that it was just because she was another supernatural, but deep down he'd known from the beginning that it had been a lie. Even then, his wolf side had already singled her out, and the more he knew her the more he knew that the wolf was right. She was his, or more accurately, he was hers, even if she didn't want him. He knew that the thing he had been looking for as a lone wolf was Chloe, she was the one thing his life needed to be complete. Without Chloe, he knew his life would be empty, a shell of what it could be, but he didn't care.
He only had one option, the same option he'd always had: to be alone. He'd leave for himself, and for Chloe. He'd let her live a normal life, free to pick who she wanted to be with, be it Simon or somebody else. He'd give Chloe up, no matter how much it hurt him. When the time was right, he'd leave. Let Simon and Chloe get to know each other without his brooding figure in the background, ready to interrupt whenever the two of them happened to have a moment of intimacy to close for his liking. Of course, to be honest, leaving was just as selfish as staying, by leaving he was giving himself an easy way out. He knew it would hurt everyone for him to go, but the selfish part of him would leave to save himself the torture of seeing a relationship bloom between his brother and his mate. He wanted Chloe to be with someone who was better for her than he was, but that didn't mean that he wanted to be around to witness it. He'd rather be somewhere else, he didn't really care where he went, as long as he didn't have to have a front row seat of his mate falling in love and spending time with someone else. Instead, he would wander, he'd go where his whims took him, and he'd be a lone wolf. After all, he'd always known he would be alone.
I hope you liked it! :D
Critique and Reviews are always welcome. I'd love to hear your thoughts, even if they're just about marshmallows, or to recommend a good book. I'm always up for some random chatter, so don't be afraid. I don't bite...well if you asked me to bite maybe I would, but probably not. lol Anywho, I hope your day goes splendidly! Adieu.