Written for comment_fic on livejournal
Prompt was for W/J, fall
AU where Zoe dies in the BDM:
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Wash never thought he would see the day when Jayne's raucous snoring would be the closest thing to comfort for him.
But then Wash never really thought he'd see the day when he'd have to live without Zoe.
It started when Wash woke up one morning, after a long night of drunken sobbing, to find a perfect row of ammo on the pillow beside him.
On Zoe's pillow.
Who the fuck would think that's funny? he thought. And he grabbed them and threw them into the center of the mess table where Jayne, Simon, and Kaylee were eating lunch. "Who did this!!" he demanded.
Simon and Kaylee gave their customary looks of nervous and pity, the looks that made Wash want to scream at them despite knowing their good intentions. Knowing how much Zoe had loved them was the only thing stopping Wash from throttling them some days, and though he hated to admit it, their newfound love only made him resent them more.
But Jayne just looked at Wash casually and said, "I put them in your room."
"Why? Why would you do something like that?" Wash yelled. He tried not to sneer as Simon and Kaylee slipped out, probably to get the captain.
Jayne looked at him like the answer was obvious, but deigned to explain, "I borrowed ammo from Zoe once. Never paid her back. Didn't want you to think I squelched on her loan."
Wash stood gaping at him.
"It's good ammo," Jayne assured him. "It's Zoe's favorite, actually."
Wash covered his face and slumped into on of the chairs. He tried to tell himself that this was just Jayne's idiot way of being nice. And he tried to say so. He intended to say that exactly, complete with vocal emphasis on the word 'idiot.'
But instead Wash said, "How the hell would I even know you borrowed ammunition? Or what kind she liked? I was never allowed on your damn MISSIONS, was I?" He sobbed into his clenched fists.
Jayne was at a loss. He said, "I'll go get Mal."
"Fuck Mal! Fuck Mal, fuck the war, fuck the ship, fuck the mission, FUCK MAL! He's the one got her killed." Wash's head was on the table even as he yelled, and he shut his eyes tightly to avoid hearing the logical response: that Wash was the one piloting, that the crash was Wash's fault. Wash was the one who let Serenity fall.
But Jayne said nothing. He put the ammunition that Wash had scattered into a cup and set it back down in front of Wash. Jayne started to walk out of the room.
But Wash threw the cup and nailed the back of Jayne's head.
"What the hell, Wash? One of them coulda gone off and blown us both to hell!" Jayne yelled, getting up in Wash's face.
"Good riddance," Wash said as he punched Jayne in the face. He kept thrashing around, flailing at Jayne, waiting for the fighter to crush him or at least give him the rest of unconsciousness.
But it turned out that Jayne was strong enough that he didn't need to fight back to fight back. He just pinned Wash to the floor, prevented him from hitting or kicking, and did his best to stay out range of a headbutt.
Mal showed up then and pulled his gun on Jayne. "Get off of him, Jayne. Now."
"I was just defending myself Cap'n."
"Fuck you, Mal!" Wash said, "Fuck all of you!"
"We're fine, Mal," Jayne said calmly, "Just leave him be."
Mal looked at them strangely but lowered his gun and backed away, giving them their privacy.
Wash struggled for several minutes. Bucking and squirming and trying to hit. But eventually all he could do was lie there, out of breath, face red with rage and something worse.
Jayne let him up and said, "Look Wash, if I were you, I'd want to hit something too. And I'm probably the best person for that on this ship, so I understand. But I just wanted to give back the ammo that I owe. I just...wanted you to know that we're all thinking about her. 'Bout all she did for us. 'Bout all those times she saved our asses. I thought... I thought that would be a comfort to you. No one wants to talk about her cuz they don't want to set you off, but it don't mean we forgot she's gone."
Wash looked at him for a long time. I must be going mad, he thought to himself, if Jayne is starting to sound like the one with sense. And then he laughed. For the first time in weeks, Wash laughed.
"You okay, there Wash?" Jayne asked, perplexed.
"Not even close."
"You want me to help you back to your bunk."
"No, Jayne. I think I'd rather just lie here for awhile."
Jayne looked at him for a second, then lifted Wash over his shoulder and carried him to his room. Wash was too spent to fight, not that it would have made a difference. But when Jayne set him gently on his bed, Wash was surprised to see Jayne sit at the desk. He pulled out Vera and started to fuss over her and said to Wash, "I'm just gonna sit here awhile and take care of my baby. If that's okay with you."
Wash didn't answer. So Jayne stayed. And then he started coming every day, just sitting and doing nothing, just being his usual jackass self, sometimes falling asleep in the chair until Wash yelled at him to snore more quietly. And he never asked Wash if he was feeling better, or if he wanted to get out and do something, or anything that the rest of the crew would ask. He would just sit there, filling up space and silence, so Wash could be just a little less alone, as he mentally replayed, again and again, the day Serenity fell.