A/N: An L/J fic I've been working on for a while. Hope you enjoy!
Not the Dreaded D-Word
-----
Chapter One: Muh-hoony
-----
Right. Brilliant. Just bloody brilliant. Not only do I get turned down by Lily Evans for the ninety-fifth time, but Remus decides that instead of ranting about it to him and Sirius, I write-rant in this diary.
Oh, what's that, Remus? Oh, right. It's not a diary, it's a journal. And that's so different.
Remus says that if I ever want to win Lily over, I have to get to actually know her, 'cause right now she thinks I just want her to go out with me because she's the only girl who hasn't yet. I protest that I do know Lily and I genuinely do like her. But of course, Remus says-
James, instead of writing down our conversation word for word and wasting valuable time and paper, why don't I just sum it up for you?
You want to go out with a girl like Lily.
No, I want to go out with Lily.
Right. And that's fifty times harder to get.
Bet I could get her.
Don't you ever DARE try, Padfoot!! Remember the Marauders' rules about dating, Section B, Paragraph C!!
Yeah yeah, no Marauder must ever steal the girl of another Marauder even if they are not dating yet, yadda yadda yadda!
You'd better believe it.
Can we return to the topic at hand, fellows?
What the hell kind of word is 'fellows'? I mean, who even says that anymore?
For once, I agree with you, Paddy.
…Paddy? What are you on, Prongs man?
Okay, Moony, we're listening now. I mean, watching. Well, waiting for your important bit of advice which you were going to impart.
Moony?
Muh-hooooooonnnnnyyyyy!!!!! Heeeere, Muh-hoony, Muh-hoony, Muh-hoony!
Moony, why are you refusing to write? Look, I can't have a conversation by myself! Just say something already!!
Hey!! Don't I count as someone?
I imagine that James was counting 'someone' as someone who had a brain, which you unfortunately don't have.
Muh-oony!! You're back!! Hey, I do too have a brain!!
What the-? 'Muh-hoony'?? Hey, stop making him lose his focus!! He said – well, wrote – before that he wanted to get back to the topic at hand!!
Well, excuse me! If you're going to be that way, then I won't write to you guys anymore.
Finally!
Oi! Stop high-fiving each other and looking like you're enjoying me ignoring you!!
O One With No Brain, I thought you weren't writing to us.
It's fun annoying the hell out of you guys!
Glad we're appreciated! Well, James, with the way you're going about to get Lily…I suggest you go in a…well, a different direction.
Oh, it's all so clear now! I've got to go in a different direction, why didn't I see that before?
If you're not going to take this seriously-
Hey, I'm Sirius!!
Moving on, if you're not going to take this seriously, then I'm going to leave you to flounder around and get humiliated.
Okay, okay, can you just tell me what direction I'm supposed to be going in?
…
WHAT?! Are you kidding me?? You just said it out loud and didn't write it down 'cause it sounded so stupid!! That's why, right? Like that method would ever work!!
Well, why shouldn't it?
I've never used it and my social life is thriving!
Prongs, what d'you think of this latest plan? Prongs?
I think he's in shock. I just poked him but nothing happened.
Prongs? Are you still with us?
Hey, he's in another world!! Let's draw on his face!!
No, Padfoot, we really shouldn't-
-----
Ahahahaaaaa!! I have password-locked this journal – journal, not diary – so that my traitorous friends couldn't get in and invade my privacy!! Do you know what they did when I was in a horrified trance over Remus' direction?? They drew on my face!! I won't even tell you what they did to my beautiful, beautiful face. It's too horrific. And it still hasn't come off. Damn.
Anyway, the direction Remus suggested I go in was to be nice to Lily!! I mean, come on!! I am nice to her!! Well, when I'm asking her out, that is. And he actually had the nerve to suggest that I'm arrogant and self-centred when it comes to Lily. He said that I don't really know Lily very well. But I do! I do! Ah, sod it. Okay, I admit it, I don't.
But here are the things I do know about her:
1. She hates me.
2. She has turned me down ninety-five times.
3. She hates me making my hair more messy.
4. She hates it when I play with the Snitch.
5. She hates it when I curse people – ie. Snivellus – for no reason.
6. She would rather go out with the giant squid than me because she hates me.
Okay, this is pathetic. I've just read the list again and realized that all of those things have something to do with me. This proves Remus' self-centred theory. Damn him.
Okay, let me try again:
1. Her best subject is Charms and she is top in everything except Transfiguration in which the top position – yes, James H. Potter is top in a class – belongs to moi.
2. She is terrified of heights – incident in first year, don't ask – and gets freaked out when the staircases move.
3. She is compassionate – perhaps too much so, imagine standing up for Snivellus! – and is very loyal to her friends.
4. She is beautiful.
5. She is smart.
6. She is funny. Well, I only know this from watching her talk to her friends. She never talks to me. She yells at me.
7. She is wonderful.
8. She is Lily Evans, which means that she is beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful, compassionate and loyal.
Okay, I guess that's a better list than the other one. But it's still lacking. I don't even know what her favourite food is, for Merlin's sake!!
But then, she probably doesn't know mine either. It's…actually kind of embarrassing. That's why I don't make it public. I don't eat it in public either. Well, they don't even serve it in the Great Hall at mealtimes. And the house-elves in the kitchen look at me all weird when I ask for it.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to have a house-elf look at you in a weird way? Well, believe me, it is.
Anyway, my favourite food is-
-----
Mua ha ha ha haaaa!! James' privacy is being invaded by me, Sirius M. Black!! I mean, could he be any more obvious with his password?? Even if he changes it, you'll – you being all the smart people who have cracked the password and are invading James' privacy – still see fabulous entries by yours truly!!
Firstly, might I say that Remus' different direction plan thingo is all WRONG? I mean, be NICE?? What is WRONG with him?? And also, like getting to know Lily better will help. James already knows her name, for God's sake! Isn't that enough?? I'VE snogged heaps of girls whose names I – still – don't know.
Ah, well. Moony's a nutter, we all know that. You know what, maybe I'll publish this journal up somewhere where the whole school can see it. Though I have to wait for James to write something utterly mortifying first. Teehee, I love blackmail!!
Oh yeah, random note here: in case you're wondering what the M in my name stands for, keep wondering. I might tell you James' middle name though. Just so that there's SOMETHING mortifying in here. I can tell you though, the H doesn't stand for Harry or anything normal like that – it stands for- Hey!!
-----
* 1472, Grud the Crud – ah, who even cares what his name is?? They're all named like that – gathered together an army of goblins to rebel against wizardkind, blah blah blah…
* God, Lily looks beautiful today…well, she always looks beautiful, but still.
* I love it when Lily does that bite-on-the-tip-of-the-quill thingy when she's thinking what to write next…
* Okay, back to Binns…listen!! Believe it or not, I do want to pass the History of Magic exam this year. I hate it when someone else is better than me at anything. So a fierce competitiveness is the only thing that keeps me going.
* Gee, I just rambled on and went away from Binns' lecture. Okay: A battalion of goblin troops formed by Grud the Crud in the year 1472 rose up against the magical community…
* Wait, that is exactly the same as the other note!! It's just re-worded!! Hey, I could do that in my essays!! I mean, if Binns rewords the same thing again and again, why can't I?? Oh yeah, no more History of Magic notes for me!!
Okay, notes on Lily:
Fine, I decided to do as Remus said and pay attention to her and get to know her better. Guess what? She gets up at the ungodly hour of six thirty in the morning!!! I mean, that's practically dawn!! I don't get up till eight!!
She also goes to sleep at nine thirty. That's like in the afternoon. I find it just weird.
Dying…of…boredom…
James? James? Ah well, there he goes. Well, History of Magic with Binns is a useless subject. Time for a nice nap.
-----