CHAPTER 1

Coeur brisé

The crew seemed to be buzzing around Shepard, all still on a high from their success in the last mission. The Collector base was destroyed and they had successfully made it back safely through the Omega-4 Relay. The morale aboard the Normandy had lifted dramatically from just a few days ago. A few days ago, the crew had all resigned themselves for the worse. Naturally, the whole crew was feeling relieved and empowered, ready to move forward in their mission, and much more hopeful in the fight against the Reapers. It wasn't over yet, but they all felt a greater hope.

As Shepard paced through the ship, she wandered why the same enthusiasm from the crew was not brushing off on her. She was of course more than happy about the outcome of the mission. They had all survived, and she could sense a firmer hope in the future that she had previously questioned when she was alone. Being free from Cerberus was also a relief for her. It had never sat well with Shepard having to work with them. She had been constantly on edge, and now that burden was gone as well. Even so, she still couldn't shake the emptiness she felt. It weighed down heavily on her chest. Shepard knew what the difference was. But thinking about it, thinking about him, hurt like hell. Shepard tried to push away her thoughts. I have to stop doing this to myself.

"Commander Shepard, you have a new message at your private terminal," called Kelly Chambers.

Shepard snapped out of her reverie and focused on Chambers. She was the ship yeoman, and was an amazing asset to the crew. They would not have survived the last mission if she had not been so beneficial in analyzing the crews' mindset and readiness for the mission. She was still slightly on edge after being captured by the Collectors, but she was coping pretty well, and her experience certainly hadn't affected her talent for reading people. As she always did, she seemed to pick up on Shepard's mood. She could feel Chambers studying her face as she approached. As Shepard got to her terminal, she looked over to Kelly and noted the slight look of concern on her face. As a Commander, Shepard learned quickly how to hide all her emotions from the crew. They looked to her as a source of strength and guidance, and it wouldn't do well to their morale if she wore her heart on her sleeve. More than that, Shepard was a soldier. Her personal feelings had never gotten in the way of a mission. She faced down enemies single-handedly during the Skilian Blitz; lead the fight against Sovereign to protect the Citadel. Countless other dangerous missions and she had always kept her cool, just focusing on what needed to be done. And I completely lose my resolve over a handsome face, Shepard thought to herself. She sighed.

"Is everything ok, Commander?" she asked.

"Everything's fine, Kelly," Shepard lied. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"That's all, Commander. Unless, there is anything at all you would like to discuss?"

Shepard thought about that and cringed internally. She really didn't feel like discussing her problems with her. Especially after everything that Kelly had only just endured. It seemed so trivial, and Shepard felt slightly guilty about her feelings.

"Not right now, Kelly. Thanks."

She smiled, "Your welcome, Commander."

Shepard opened the mail on her private terminal, and saw a new message from Councilman Anderson. She smiled. Anderson was the human representative on the Citadel council, and one of the few people who believed the Reapers return. This made him an important ally, and good friend. Shepard had contacted him only the day before, telling him of the destruction of the Collector base and return through the Omega-4 Relay. She had been sending him messages occasionally through their mission, filling him in on her findings in the hope that he could use the information as a means of convincing the Council of the Reapers existence. Shepard almost laughed out loud at the thought. Sometimes she felt that she would love nothing more than to see the Council members' faces when the Reapers finally came crashing down on them. Especially the turian, she thought bitterly.

Shepard opened the message and read.

Shepard,

I'm happy to hear you made it safely back through the Omega-4 Relay.

With the new data you have found we may be able to finally incite some action from the Council.

I know you have done so much already, but I think we are getting close now, Shepard. Come see me as soon as you can. We should present this new data as soon as possible.

We can only hope.

Anderson

Shepard knew that this was not going to be easy. Even with all the new evidence she had been able to collect since it all began, the Council had proven time and again their ignorance towards the Reapers and mistrust of her. To a degree she could understand the mistrust of her after her links to Cerberus, especially given Cerberus' history. But even during her involvement with Cerberus, she had never worked for them, and their mistrust seemed particularly unjust when considering all she had done to defend the galaxy against the geth, the Collectors, and the Reapers, with and without Cerberus. She wished everyone would just believe her. She wished that he had believed her.

Shepard winced at the memory, and cursed herself again for allowing her thoughts to drift in that direction. Not that it made much difference. The deep feeling of hurt and betrayal hovered over her constantly. The last encounter she had with him on Horizon and cut her deep. It was nothing like the reunion she had imagined so many times before that day. Of course, she understood his hurt. But she was hurt too.

Shepard shut the terminal and made her way to the cockpit. The Normandy's pilot, Joker, was in the middle of an argument with EDI, the Normandy's AI. Joker's annoyance towards EDI had lessened over the last mission, and their relationship was mostly friendly now. However, arguments would still occasionally breakout over certain protocols. Their views differed slightly in this regard.

Joker heard Shepard's approach and spun around in his chair. He looked as though he was about to make a light-hearted complaint, but decided against it when he saw her face. As close as he was to his Commander, he knew when to reign in the sarcasm.

"Hey, Commander. Where to?" he asked.

"Plot a course to the Citadel. I need to meet with Anderson."

"Sure thing, Commander," he replied.

Shepard decided to retreat to her room where she could be by herself. She took the lift to the top floor and walked into her room. She really needed to get some rest. It would be a few hours before they reached the Citadel, so she had plenty of time to rest before their arrival. She started walking towards the bed, but hesitated at the step as her private terminal caught her eye. She took a seat at her desk and opened the read messages. Scrolling through the mass of old emails, she found the one she was looking for. Like so many times before, Shepard opened the message. She read the whole thing, pausing on the last line and re-read it over and over again.

When this all over, maybe we… I don't know. Just take care of yourself.

Kaidan

Maybe there was still hope. She wasn't sure. The weight of her loneliness crushed down on her chest with even more force than before. She wrapped her arms around her body, trying to keep herself together. Shepard wondered how much longer she would keep feeling like this. Without anything to keep herself distracted until they reached the Citadel, she dragged herself off the chair and lay down on her bed. She lay there wishing sleep would take her under and ease the pain that was still escalating in her chest. But she knew that it would not come.