Hello Dear Readers,
This is a special story for all of my faithful readers out there. I had a lot of fun with this story and I hope you enjoy!
"Bunnies, Cheatin', and Disappointment"
It was a rainy evening as all of us sat around the fire. I remember Pa was smoking his pipe in his favorite chair. Adam was reading one of his most beloved books in his blue chair. Hoss and Joe were playing a game of checkers. It seemed just like yesterday.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"Papa" I said looking at him.
"Yes, what is it baby?" He asked looking intently at me.
"If I tell you something will you promise not to get mad?" I couldn't even look at him. My palms were getting sweaty and I nervously tried to wipe them on my dress.
At that point my brother Adam looked curiously at me. Him being 21 years old makes him think he is an adult and needs to know everything.
Hoss also looked at me with a concerned eye. He is always so protective over me.
And Joe just gave me an encouraging little nod. He and I already discussed this and he helped me finally decide to fess up.
"Anna, what is it you want to ask me?" I could tell he was trying to divert my question.
"You gotta promise Papa!" I just had to make him promise.
At that moment Pa came and sat on the coffee table in front of me. He lifted my face to look him in the eye. I just hated when he did that because there is no way to ever lie to him like that.
"Anna, you can tell me anything. You don't have to be afraid. I can't promise I won't get angry but I will try my best. Ok?" He always did do his best and I believed him but it was harder than I thought to tell him. I wasn't so much worried about a punishment than rather the disappointment that went with it. But this guilt was eating me up for too long. It was time to let it go and deal with the consequences.
With a very deep breath I decided I couldn't go back now and went for it. Plus I really didn't have a choice, "Pa, remember a couple weeks ago when I started tutoring with Lisa?"
Recalling this he nodded at me and said, "Yes, I do recall that very nice girl to do that."
"Yea," I wouldn't call her nice though, I thought, "Anyways well remember how I kept getting all those good grades all of a sudden in Math?"
Again he nodded, "Yes, I was very proud of you, honey what are you getting at?" He asked clearly getting impatient with me.
Again I took a deep breath before I continued and stole a glance to Adam who also gave me a reassuring look to continue. "Well, sir, she taught me more than just math." I couldn't look him in the eye at this point. I could feel his gaze on me. "She taught me to cheat on the tests." Nope can't look him.
"Oh, Anna." I could just hear the disappointment and also sadness in his voice and knew this was just the beginning and I had to keep going. "I sense there is more. Continue, Anna." He sternly told me.
I continued again, "I did it for a couple weeks and didn't get caught but then last Friday Ms. Jones caught me. " At this point I heard a deep harrumph from my father and I looked up trying to say anything that could possibly help. I fumbled on my words, "I just couldn't possibly tell you and have you disappointed in me." Again I looked nervously at my sweaty palms. This was harder than I thought. But he's not going to like this next part either. I dared a quick glance and he nodded his head to continue. I think he was holding his anger as he promised but needed me to keep going so I did fearfully I might add. "She sent the note home but every time I almost gave you the note to sign I chickened out. I had the whole weekend and I…I…" I looked at him again knowing this part would anger him more and pleaded with him, "Please don't be angry Pa."
"Anna, just continue please." I know he was trying very hard and gave me a nod to continue.
Again I took a deep breath and didn't dare to look at anything but my hands, "I forged your signature on the note. I brought it to school on Monday and Miss jones couldn't tell you didn't sign it. I wanted to stop after that, honest but then Lisa told me that if I stopped she would tell on me to you and the teacher. And it was my turn to steal the answers."
At that I heard a faint growl from my father and a booming, "ANNA!" to follow that growl. I knew I had to finish soon because he was not getting any happier at this and I'd rather be done talking.
"I know. I stole answers for the other tests before too. But I just couldn't chance you finding out and being disappointed. Anyways I snuck into the schoolhouse while everyone was outside for recess and stole the answers. As I was about to walk out of the schoolhouse Miss Jones walked in. I hid them behind my back and she asked me what I was doing in there. I lied and said I forgot my lunch but she then looked behind my back and grabbed my hand. She found the papers. She told me to have you read this note and come in with me tomorrow. She wanted to meet with you. " I again chanced a glance up at Pa. There it was disappointment. Ugh, that's what I hate.
"Anna" Oh great here it comes, "I don't even know where to begin. But I have a few questions for you before I send you up to your room."
I simply nodded still looking nervously at my hands and then I heard, "Look at me please when I am speaking to you" That is never a good sign.
"Why did you not come and tell me this before it got this out of hand? Don't you trust that I could have helped you through this? Or even tell one of your brothers."
At that I popped my head up toward Joe, dang it, wrong timing.
"Joseph what did you have to do with this?" He glared directly at my brother after I gave him away. I sent a silent 'sorry' towards him when Pa wasn't looking at me.
"Pa, Anna told me the first time she got a note sent home. I felt bad for her. I didn't want to get her into trouble but then she did a few more times and I was trying to convince her to tell you." Joe confessed not liking our father's attention on himself.
"Joseph you should have come and told me the first time before she got in worse trouble. You're her older brother you are suppose to look out for her not join in on her bad behavior. You BOTH know better." He said shooting stern looks to both of us but then landed on me again.
We both gave pathetic, "Yes sir's" and I quickly tried to avoid his eye contact. It was getting harder and harder for me to look at him and I knew he was barely keeping his temper under control. But honestly I understood. It was kind of just a desperate plea to ask him not to get angry. This is pretty bad I guess.
He took another deep sigh before continuing, "So you didn't take your brother's advice and continued to disobey. Why did you feel the need to cheat? You are a smart girl."
"I didn't want to go back to making bad grades if I stopped. After the first good grade you were so happy and then I knew either A. you'd be disappointed if I got a lower grade and think I'm an idiot or B. Be suspicious and find out about the cheating. And plus Lisa said she'd tell on me if I would stop. " I knew these answers would probably not make him happy either but instead I saw something different. Sure he was still angry but there was something different in his eyes.
He lifted my chin gently, "Anna, I only expect my children to try there hardest at their studies nothing more. And I don't EVER want to hear you call yourself an idiot again. You are not an idiot some things just are harder to learn and we have to work harder on them. You understand?"
"Yes sir." I was a little choked up at that moment and couldn't say it very loud.
"Very well, the others we will discuss later as I am not very happy with them. My last question before you go upstairs. Did you tell Miss Jones about everything or just what she caught you with?"
A glanced up and back down again not willing to answer.
"Anna Rose Cartwright, I want an answer." His voice was like the calm before the storm. Never a good sign.
"No she doesn't know about everything." Looking down again it seemed like an eternity before I heard Pa take harrumph again and finally speak.
"Anna, I want you to go up in your room and I will be up shortly to discuss the rest of this with you and have a very necessary discussion with you after."
With that I ran up the room. Pa was very upset and I think I really pushed the line here. He's never going to forgive me. How could he even love me now? Jumping on my bed face down I finally let it all out and cried till I didn't have any tears left. I'm glad it's all out but I should have told him before it go worse and before I was forced to tell. He's only going to see me as a little kid now. Why do I always try to fix my problems on my own? They always blow up in my face. Maybe I could run away. Then he doesn't have to look at me and be disappointed all the time.
0o0o0o0o
Meanwhile down in the living room Ben was trying to figure out what on earth was going on with his daughter. She had never done something this bad before and he just had to get to the bottom of it and lay down the law. What else could he do?
"I just don't understand what has gotten into that girl?" He paced back and forth in front of the fireplace running his hand through his silver hair.
"Pa, she's just a little girl. She was just scared of disappointing you and wanted to fix it before you found out." Adam said trying to calm his father down.
"Adam, the only reason she is telling me now is because she finally got caught and had no choice." Ben hurtfully said.
"But she did tell you the whole story. That should show you something. She didn't tell Miss Jones the whole thing. I think she is owning up to it. The way she has been acting this week she must have been just full of guilt." Adam said remembering the last few weeks.
With a sigh, "Yea you are right and now those nightmares make a whole lot of sense."
"Yea they do. Pa, what she really needs to know is that she is forgiven but you love her so much that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior. I think it may be a cry for attention too. She's looking for you take back some control." Adam tried again to show his Pa her side.
"You are right Adam. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. Well, I suppose I should go and settle this before it gets any further out of control. I'm just going to go put some coffee on before I go up."
0o0o0o0
This is taking forever. When is he going to come? I can't just wait here. I'll make it easier on him I will leave. I disappointed him so much, which I don't blame him for being. I really screwed up this time. I purposely hid these things from him again and again and again. And I would have kept going too if I didn't get caught. I don't even know why. Yea, I'll just run. But I have to hurry he will come soon no doubt.
Looking out the window, man, that's a long climb. Here goes. And with that I climbed down the side of the house and jumped the last three feet.
"Owww!" I tried so hard to contain my cry but man that hurt. I put my hand over my mouth and tried to muffle my cry. Sat there for a minute trying to check the damage. Couldn't tell but I decided to limp on it and hurt like heck. But I kept going.
'I can just go into the barn and try to get onto my horse bareback than I won't have to walk the whole way.' I snuck out into the barn and somehow was able to get on Lucy barebacked and I trotted out of the yard.
"Phew made it!" Or so I thought.
0o0o0o0o
Ben walked into his youngest room and was surprised to see the room empty and the window wide open.
"Adam, come up here!" Ben shouted
As he shouted down to his son he walked to the open window and heard the barn door open. What he saw made his heart jump.
"What is it Pa?" Adam said out of breath from running up the stairs.
"Your sister just ran off barebacked on Lucy. We got to get to her quick before she gets to far. Let's go get your brothers." Ben instructed quickly.
They ran downstairs and were all three on their horses in a matter of 10minutes.
"Ok, Joe and Hoss you take the south road and Adam and I will take the road to Virginia City if any of you find her fire three shots."
"K, Pa." They all said and were off.
Ben said a silent prayer that his baby was ok. This was just so not like her to run away. It wasn't like his little girl to run away from a punishment.
"Alright let's go Adam."
0o0o0o0o0o
About 30minutes in I realized this was probably not the smartest idea especially since I hurt my ankle and now realized I had a cut as well on my forehead from falling the last couple feet.
The pain in my ankle was beginning to be unbearable. And I wasn't sure how long it took to get to Virginia City and I really had no idea where I was going to go.
I briefly thought of turning back but then thought of Pa and how much worse this probably was now and stubbornly refused. And I kept going. At that moment I heard something in the bushes and next thing I knew I was being thrown from my horse and on my butt with a thud to the hard ground. My ankle hit hard again.
"Agh, Lucy no come back!" I screamed in pain.
But to no avail she was gone and I was alone. I took a deep breath and scooted away from the rustling in the bushes. Finally it came jumped out and I screamed and then I saw it.
"A bunny, really?!" I groaned. "Great now what am I going to do? No horse. I'm hurt. No food. No water. No blanket and its freezing and pouring rain! Maybe I'll just try to keep walking or limping? I can't really go back now. I've already committed so far."
0o0o0o0o0o
"I really hope she is ok. She didn't even bring her coat and the rain is really pouring now." He said as pulled his coat closer around his face.
"We'll find her Pa. The few tracks we found before the rain started were directed toward Virginia City."
"I know, but so many people go on this road. Let's just hope she did go this way."
"Hey Pa look! Isn't that Anna's horse?"
"Woah there" Ben tried to calm the horse "Yes it is Adam. It's Lucy."
"She did go this way. Do you think she got thrown? "
"I don't know but let's keep going!"
With that they pressed on down the road in the pouring rain searching for Anna frantically.
O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"Man, I gotta rest. This ankle is throbbing like no other. I really hope Pa will have a little mercy on me with this ankle if they find me."
I leaned against a tree for just a minute as nausea took over. I tried to swallow it away. I just hate puking. Maybe this isn't the smartest idea. And my head is starting to pound even harder now. "Anna, why are you such an idiot? You know you made this worse for yourself. But I can't go back. I've got to just act like I have it all together. I can't let Pa see how hurt I am and how terrible I feel. I messed up and I shouldn't be allowed to stay with Pa." A tear started falling down my face and I quickly brushed it away. "No Anna be tough."
O0o0o0o0o0o0o
A half hour later Ben and Adam were making good tracks and finally came up to a wet hooded limping child.
"Pa, there she is!" Adam called out in the rain.
"Heeya!" They both galloped up to her not wanting to scare her.
0o0o0o0o00o0
"Oh no." I turned my head slowly when I heard horses galloping towards me. "They found me." I lost all track of what I was going to do if this happened. I just stood there not knowing what to even say.
Pa got off his horse and started toward me. He didn't look too happy.
Adam shot three shots in the air. They always did this when they found whoever they were looking for. Usually me.
"Anna! Thank God your safe!" With that he grabbed me and hugged me. "What on earth were you thinking?" He yelled but with so much concern in his voice that I almost gave in.
"I was going into town and that's where I am going." And with that I started to turn away and walk, well, limp my way down the road." I had no idea where my spunk was coming from.
"Ah, ****." I collapsed on to the ground as my ankle finally gave out.
"Anna, honey, are you alright?" Pa asked me while turning me around. "What happened to your ankle Anna?" Seeing she was holding it in her hands.
"I fell." This whole thing was just not working out.
"Adam, I'm going to double up with Anna on my horse. We need to get her back to the Ponderosa before she catches her death of a cold and check that ankle out."
"I'm not going back, Pa!" I yelled I still don't know why. I just felt like everything was out of control and I actually was terrified of what was going to happen when we got home.
I was lifted on the horse none to gently and then Pa came up after me.
And with that I felt someone grab me and all of a sudden the world flipped upside down over the saddle. A great wallop went on my backside. And I was turned back upward in front of Pa. I heard him whisper in my ear, "Young lady if you do not start speaking to me in a respectful tone than I will turn you over my knee again hurt ankle or not! Understand?"
I figured I'd better answer if I wanted to save my hide, "Yes sir."
"And the next time I hear you swear you are going to get your mouth washed out with soap." Pa sternly told me. "Now let's get you home out of those wet clothes and take care of that ankle."
I road back and I wouldn't admit but I did feel a bit of a relief and safety leaning against Pa's strong chest. But I couldn't. He shouldn't have to love me after all I did.
O0o0o0o0o0o
Ben felt his daughter tense up all of a sudden on the ride back to the Ponderosa. He just didn't know what to do with his little girl. One thing is for sure he was going to get to the bottom of this one way or another. He couldn't have her risking her life this way let alone disobey him. "There must be more to this. This isn't like her", Ben thought, "She's holding something back. Oh Baby won't you please open up to me." But he knew this would be anything but a pleasant evening for either for either of them.
They all road in silence the rest of the way.
O0o0o0o0o0oo0
They finally reached the house and saw that Hoss and Joe were already back. They came out of the house just as we road in.
"Ah, little sis I'm so glad they found you! We were worried sick about ya!" Hoss said grabbing her hand.
"Hoss, Little Joe can you put our horses up for us and Adam can you tell Hopsing to warm up some water please? We've got to get her warmed up she is shivering even through my coat." Ben instructed clearly worried about his youngest.
"Yes sir, come on Joe!" Hoss answered quickly.
"Yeah Pa I'll go right now." Adam ran to the house ahead of us.
I was starting to not feel so hot at this point and my resolve was drowning slowly.
Pa got down from the horse and lifted me off the horse and carried me inside and laid me on the settee. Adam walked in at that moment, "Pa, Hopsing has some warm water ready up in her room."
"Ok, let's get her up there."
They entered my room and a bath usually didn't sound good but at this moment it was most welcomed.
"Adam would you get her nightshirt ready and then I'll get her out of these wet clothes."
"Here ya go Pa. I'll be downstairs if you need me Pa. Glad your home sweetie."
"Let's get you undressed and into this warm water."
"I can do it myself." I muttered under my breath still trying to hold onto anything I could.
"Well, yes you can but how about I help you, hmm?" He gave me a knowing eye.
I just looked at him for a second. Why is he being nice now? It's making it very hard not to just completely break down like I kind of want too.
All I could get out was, "K" and I let him help me.
He lifted my dress off first. And then all I was in was my petticoats. He tried to carefully pull them off but a cry slipped through my lips.
"Hurts a bit, honey?" He asked looking careful at my ankle.
I simply nodded.
"It's not broken but it is sprained. You're going to have to stay off of it. After you have a bath we will tape it up. Let's look at that cut on your head."
"Ouch" I moaned.
"Luckily it's not deep. We will wash it up and bandage it up after your bath." Clearly relieved it wasn't worse. "Now let's get you into this bath."
He helped me in but I just couldn't walk so he lifted me careful of my ankle and put me in.
"Does that feel better?"
"Mhmm." I said and looked down at the water.
It took about a half an hour to get me all cleaned up and warm. Pa bandaged up my ankle and my cut and then sat me on his lap on the desk chair.
"We haven't had a very good night have we, Anna?" He asked me with serious look.
"No, sir."
"Why did you do what you did these past weeks? That was a very disobedient things to do." He asked me.
"I know! That's why I ran away!"
"And you know better than that too. Don't you?" He asked me with a stern glare.
"I know! I don't do anything right lately!"
"Ok that's not true young lady. Why did you run away? I never knew my girl to be afraid of taking her punishment?"
"I'm not afraid." Well the truth was I kind of was but there was more too it.
"Then what was it?" He asked gently needing to know what was going on behind those brown eyes.
"I…I'm just a idiot. I disappointed you and everyone else and I'll understand if you never can forgive me. I don't even know why I did it. I just didn't want you to find out and then be mad at me. The only way to make sure that didn't happen was to keep doing it."
"Anna, first of all I told you not to call yourself an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are just a child who needs correction. And secondly, I forgave you the moment you told me. Now I am still disappointed and hurt by your actions. You don't seem to trust me in these issues you get yourself into and now we've lost something else too." He paused.
"What did we lose?" I tried searching his face and my resolve was breaking.
"Trust. My trust in you." He said seriously and with sadness.
"Can we get it back?" I said with a shaky voice.
"Yes, in time."
"Papa?"
"Yes, baby?"
"I'm really sorry about everything. I just don't know what happened. It all got so big and I didn't know what to do." I apologized and then looked back at my hands nervously.
"It's because you were trying to fix the problems on your own and you avoided the only right way out of all this. By telling the truth."
I swallowed hard at this and took in a deep breath. "How are we ever going to fix this mess?" And then those darn tears came down my face.
He lifted my chin and smiled, "Together we will fix this. But now I think it's time for me to talk and then on with our very necessary talking too. Hmm?"
"Yes, Papa." Tears now falling unchecked. I just hated this part but after it always made me feel better.
"Ok, now one are you allowed to cheat?"
"No, sir." I ducked my head again but only to be brought back to eye level.
"Two, are you EVER allowed to forge my signature?"
"No, Pa." I tried not to cry again.
"And you did it how many times young lady?" He asked sternly.
"4." I whispered and just couldn't look at his eyes but he kept my chin in his hand.
"Thirdly you stole test papers from Miss Jones's desk. Are you allowed to steal, Anna Rose?"
"No sir."
"How many times?" His stern look pierced me.
"Twice and then the time she caught me."
Pa kept going no matter how much this disappointed him, "And fourthly, are you allowed to lie to me or anyone else?"
"No, but I didn't lie Pa!" I picked my head up quick. I specifically didn't tell a lie, I told half-truths maybe but I tried hard not to lie.
"Anna, do not raise your voice to me you are in enough trouble as it is." He warned with a very low voice. "Now you did lie because you didn't tell me or Miss Jones the truth. Did you?"
"I guess not." Now seeing what he meant.
"You guess not?!" He practically yelled.
"Yes sir." I complied.
"And fifth, you ran away and through your window where you could have broke your neck!"
I just nodded there wasn't really anything to say to that.
"Now is there anything else you have not told me or have to say for yourself before we finish here?"
"No sir, I'm just really sorry Pa. I won't do it again. I promise." I cried not caring anymore about my resolve.
"Well, sorry is just not going to cut it tonight. Now let's get this done with. "
It was the worst punishment I ever had and didn't want to have ever again. And finally it was over and I felt the familiar circles on my back as I cried it all out.
"There, there, it's all over now. You are forgiven and it's all over. Shh." He said as he lifted me up in his arms careful of my backside and rocked me in the rocking chair. "Shh, baby its all over." He held me against his strong chest and for the first time that night I just let it all go.
"Papa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I wept and said over and over again.
He again lifted my chin so he could look me in the eye, "Honey, I love you and will always love you. Even when you do naughty things, I will always forgive you because you are my daughter and I love you."
"Really? But I did all those bad things and I disappointed you?"
"Baby, what you do disappoints me but you could never disappoint me."
"Really?"
"Of course, Baby." He said and cradled me into his arms once again.
For a while I was quite content just being in Pa's arms and was drifting off to sleep but then a sneeze interrupted me.
"Ha choo!"
"Bless you. Uh oh." He said and felt my forehead. "We need to get you in bed. Looks like you got a little sick from being out in the rain."
I was about to protest but again was interrupted by another sneeze, "Ha choo! Cough, cough".
"Yep, Into bed. I'll see if Hopsing has any medicine. How does your ankle and head feel?"
"It's ok…" I lied.
"Anna, what did we just get through discussing?" He asked arms crossed over his chest.
"I mean yea ugh," I fumbled my words, "my ankle is throbbing quite a bit and my head is pounding but it'll be alright." I tried to throw into good measure. I really didn't want to see Doc Martin any time soon.
"Well, I'll get some medicine for that too. But I sure hope you don't get worse or else we will have to get Doc Martin out here tomorrow morning." I inwardly groaned at that last statement and Pa gave me a look and was out the door in a second.
Pa was back in a few minutes with a glass of water and medicine. "Here ya go Baby. Take these and they'll make you feel better."
"Thanks Papa." I said returning the glass.
"Alright now off to sleep with you. Starting tomorrow you are restricted to your room. Which with you being sick and your ankle hurt you are lucky. Now goodnight sweetheart."
"Night Pa, love you." It wasn't long before I fell fast asleep.