The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is gone somewhere. Just some madness from my tiny little mind figuring out what the gang did during Archer's coma. Takes place right after Rise Up Figgis Agency.
Carry On Figgis Agency
The first thing Mallory noticed was the pain. Pain in her head and on her face.
As she opened her eyes she realized that she was on the couch. And two empty bottles of absinthe were next to her on the table.
"Damn absinthe," Mallory groaned.
"Oh you're awake," Ray said as he casually took a drink of scotch at the bar. "Great."
"You're not exactly the first thing I want to look at either Ms. Sunshine," Mallory barked as she sat up. "Ow…"
"You might want to look at that shiner on your face," Ray pointed out.
"What? Oh for…" Mallory got up and looked at herself in a nearby mirror in the hall. She saw she had a shiner on her face. "Damn it!"
"At least you didn't break any bones," Ray shrugged. "Pity…"
"God what happened to me?" Mallory winced in pain as she looked at herself. "It looks like I went a few rounds with Rocky Graziano."
"You got drunk," Ray told her. "Wanted to kill Cheryl for some reason. Shot out a light bulb and then fell down while chasing her around."
"Yeah that sounds right," Mallory sighed. "Damn it. Do I have a concussion?"
"I dunno," Ray shrugged. "Who do I look like? An NFL commission?"
"You look like…" Mallory paused. "I had something for this. Damn it. Now I know I'm concussed."
"And knowing is a good reason to invest in decent health insurance," Ray said. "Which you might need now that Archer is…You know?"
"Oh…Damn it! I forgot about that!" Mallory winced as she turned away. "All right what happened after I went out?"
"I'll tell her Ray," Lana walked in. "I need you to help contain what's going on…You know?"
"Again?" Ray groaned. "Fine!" He stormed out of the bullpen.
"What's going on?" Mallory asked.
"You don't want to know," Lana sighed.
"I kind of think I do," Mallory said as she went to the bar.
"No, you don't," Lana said. "Besides there are more important things I need to tell you about."
"WILL YOU STOP IT AND HOLD HIM DOWN SO I CAN WORK HERE?" Krieger was heard shouting.
"JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Ray shouted.
"YOU LEAVE US ALONE!" Cheryl shouted.
"YEAH!" Pam snapped.
"More important that what's going on in my agency?" Mallory asked.
CRASH! SMASH!
"FINE!" Ray shouted. "BUT WHEN THIS BACKFIRES ON Y'ALL DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!"
SMASH!
"Continue…" Mallory groaned as she reached for a bottle.
"The police called," Lana said. "Said they can use footage from the Archer bot which captured Veronica Deane's confession. Mostly because they also had some other footage taken from her own security cameras."
"She didn't shut off the security cameras in her own house?" Mallory gasped. "Well that's just poor planning."
"And they were wired for sound as well," Lana said. "They got everything she said. Including framing me for Crane's murder and her involvement in Long Water."
"That's the insurance scam, right?" Mallory asked as she poured herself a drink. "As well as the damn disk that started this whole mess in the first place?"
"Yes," Lana said. "Cyril showed the police some of the files he found earlier. They're having a different department that investigates high stakes fraud check it out."
"And we're not going to get paid for our work, are we?" Mallory grumbled as she took a sip. "Typical…"
"You sure you want to drink that?" Lana asked.
"If I didn't I wouldn't have poured it, wouldn't I?" Mallory snapped. "Don't worry…"
"Kind of think I should."
"As long as it's not absinthe I'll be fine," Mallory took a drink. "Continue."
"There is also a warrant out for Shapiro's arrest as a person of interest," Lana said. "But the police wouldn't say anything more about the case. They did tell me they'd try to keep Archer's name out of the papers as well as the whole robot thing."
"That's better than nothing I guess," Mallory sighed. "So what else happened?"
"Uh…" Lana paused. "Well Cyril and Pam and Cheryl argued about going after Veronica Deane. Cheryl tried to go after some acid in Krieger's lab to throw in her face. We stopped her but saw our robot doppelgangers which kind of had an odd effect on Cheryl and Pam."
"Please tell me they didn't try to have sex with their robot doubles," Mallory moaned.
"Okay I won't tell you," Lana sighed.
"They did something else with the robots, didn't they?" Mallory's eye twitched.
"Uh…" Lana paused.
FLASHBACK!
"Okay now cluck like a chicken!" Cheryl laughed.
"BAWK! BAWK! BAWK!" The Mallory Bot did so in its white undergarments.
"HA HA HA HA!" Ray, Cheryl and Pam laughed at the Mallory Bot's antics.
"I gotta tape this for Archer," Pam laughed as she recorded on her phone.
"Send me a copy," Cheryl said.
"Me too," Ray agreed.
"So Krieger," Pam called out. "To any of these vaginas or dicks vibrate?" Everyone looked at her. "What? Like no one else was thinking about it?"
"Ehhhh…." Ray and Cheryl admitted with a shrug.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Don't worry about it," Lana said.
"Kind of think I should," Mallory frowned. "Unless…Damn it! They're thinking about having sex with those things, aren't they?"
"Uh…Not all of them," Lana coughed.
"Never mind! Just when I think those perverts can't get any more perverted," Mallory grumbled.
"Cyril said he'd order Krieger to dismantle them," Lana sighed. "Right before the police called and wanted him to talk to their fraud team. They wanted him to go over some of the Long Water files they found when they searched Veronica Deane's house. Apparently Shapiro gave her back the copy of the Long Water CD we originally stole so…"
"So are we going to be paid for consulting with the police?" Mallory asked.
"Cyril said he'd ask," Lana said.
"Damn it," Mallory grumbled. "Translation, it's likely he'll blow it. So the police called first, then Cyril left, then Carol went to look for acid, then the robot thing?"
"Except for the part that Cheryl went to look for acid first. That's pretty much the order of what went on," Lana said. "Until…"
"Until what?" Mallory groaned.
"Until Krieger and Cheryl got into an argument about the Turing Test," Lana said. "Ray had to pull Cheryl off Krieger and Pam filmed the whole thing."
"So basically, the same old screwing around these idiots always do," Mallory groaned.
"Bingo," Lana sighed. "You can see why I didn't want to tell you."
"I do," Mallory sighed.
"It's not like you don't already have enough on your plate," Lana said.
"I admit this time I should have listened to you," Mallory groaned. "Damn it. Maybe I am concussed? Why was I trying to kill Carol again?"
"The usual reasons," Lana shrugged.
"Oh that," Mallory groaned.
"One more thing," Lana said. "Pam has decided to record everything Archer misses during the coma."
"So even more of his brain cells can be damaged?" Mallory snapped.
"RARRRRRR!"
SMASH!
"Speaking of things being damaged…" Lana groaned.
"Now what are those idiots doing?" Mallory sighed.
"They're training Babou to fly," Lana said simply. "Using a jetpack."
"Obviously," Mallory groaned. "Why…?"
"For some reason, Cheryl brought Babou in again," Lana rolled her eyes. "Where, how and why I don't know. But she did."
ZZZZOOOM!
"RARRR!"
"And of course, she found a jetpack Krieger had just lying around in his lab," Lana groaned.
"Another stupid jetpack?" Mallory groaned. "Didn't he learn his lesson last time with Sterling and that tree?"
FLASHBACK!
"Little help?" Archer moaned as he was stuck in a tree, very banged up and a smoking jetpack on his back.
FLASHFORWARD!
"And that other incident with the jetpack and the intern?" Mallory groaned.
FLASHBACK!
"Oooh," Krieger winced as he stood outside in a field. There was a huge fire with a dead body burning in front of him. "Should really have remembered to recalculate the propulsion system. My bad."
FLASHFORWARD!
"And that other-other incident with the other intern?" Mallory groaned.
FLASHBACK!
The old ISIS headquarters.
SMASH!
"AAAAAHHH!" An intern with a backpack crashed through a window.
SMASH!
And smashed right into the wall of a tall building next door.
"O-kay," Krieger winced as he looked out of the broken window. "I should really fix that propulsion system. And maybe test out the next prototype in a field somewhere? Ooh. That stain on the wall on that building is going to take a long time to come out."
FLASHFORWARD!
"They never did get that stain out of that wall," Lana sighed.
"I guess I should expect Wile E. Kraut-ote to not learn his lesson," Mallory groaned.
"Now you know why I'm planning to spend some time at the hospital," Lana sighed. "In case you wonder in the future why I visit so much."
"I got that," Mallory groaned.
"AAAAHHH!" Ray ran by using his bionic legs at top speed.
"RARRRRR!" Babou on a jet pack flew by.
"It's a bird! It's a plane!" Cheryl cheered. "It's crepuscular!"
"KRIEGER, YOU ASSHOLE!" Ray screamed as he ran by again at high speed.
"RARRRRR!" A terrified Babou flew by them again.
"AAAAHHH!" Krieger screamed.
CRASH!
"GET 'EM BABOU!" Ray screamed. "YEAH YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD HAPPEN DID YOU ASSHOLE?"
"AAAAH! GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF!" Krieger screamed as the sounds of an ocelot mauling him was heard.
"I am so getting off on this!" Cheryl screamed with joy. "Pam are you recording this?"
"What do you think?" Pam laughed.
"OWW! OWWW!" Krieger screamed. "BABOU STOP! HELP ME! FOR GOD'S SAKE PUT THE DAMN CAMERA DOWN AND HELP ME!"
"First let's talk about using me as an experiment without my damn permission!" Ray snapped. "As well as the rest of us!"
"Well except for the drugs!" Cheryl spoke up. "That one we don't mind so much."
"RRARRR!"
"AAAHHH!" Krieger screamed.
"In fact, I think I'll go visit Archer now," Lana sighed.
"I'll join you," Mallory went with her. "I could use the peace and quiet. And maybe to check if I have a concussion or not."