I wrote this right after seeing the season 2 episode in which this takes place. Most I was appalled that Merlin would do that. Then I started crying, and from my tears came this. For those of you who want to know (or care), Drop of Poison is well on its way to completion, and I have information about it and other projects on my profile. For those of you who don't care or don't know what I'm talking about... sorry. You can go read the summary if you want to though! It's all on my profile... I'll stop talking now.
AS SHE LIES DYING
PART ONE: MERLIN
It is so easy. Such a simple action. Just moving his arm, fingers, opening the bottle and turning it over into the water skin. He looks down at the black hole of the mouthpiece. It looks no different than before, but he feels that it should, that somehow it will reveal him in his poisonous actions. It looks no different than before – just as innocuous and normal.
He pushes the thoughts from his mind and recorks the skin, self-hatred growing within him. Choosing between Arthur and Morgana was something he had never foreseen having to do, but now that the time is upon him he knows that he will choose Arthur no matter the consequences. It is his duty, he repeats to himself. It does nothing to quell the dread and guilt that build up inside him at what he knows is going to happen.
Before he can convince himself to put the skin aside, he turns and offers it to Morgana. She looks at him, and the sick sensation grows. Yet she refuses the offer. He knows that she must drink it, she must somehow give in. He moves his thoughts from the poison to the simple task of getting her to drink from the skin. It is easier that way – he can push the guilt away and let it settle rather than burn in the forefront of his mind. Taking a chance, he moves across the room, stopping only to hand the water skin to her. She puts it aside and returns to her task. He cannot bear it. He just wants it to be over, just wants it to be done, so he does not have to feel it anymore, does not have to worry about it anymore.
He thinks on how to get her to drink it, to swallow the toxin and end the siege, save Camelot and its prince. As he returns across the room, he picks it up and turns his back to Morgana, pretends to drink. He offers it again, and she turns him down. Loathing gathers in him at himself when he makes an excuse, one that he knows she cannot refuse. He hopes beyond all hope that she will turn it away, or somehow see his actions on his face.
But no. She smiles, reaches for it, presumably thinking that his worried eyes, shaking hands, and overly sweaty and red face are due to their situation and the disease taking over Camelot. Merlin doesn't know how she could do that, where she got the skills or the inclination, but he knows that there is no choice. If the spell lives in her as the Dragon said it did, then there is no other answer.
Her gray eyes, desperate at their trapped situation, meet his and soften at the false kindness she sees as real. Her fingers grip the fur and he relinquishes it. He despises himself, he detests what he has been lowered to, and for one anguished second he wants to reach out, knock it away from his friend's mouth, save her no matter the cost. She is beautiful, he knows it, a part of him loves her deeply, more than anyone else, but that part never had the chance to surface. In that one second, where his eyes are attached to hers, he sees the future that he is killing with her.
The drink is raised and the deadly draught is taken. He turns, unable to watch, unable to bear what he has done. Tears gather in his eyes. One rolls down his cheek. He hears Morgana cough. The sound rips through his soul like he thought nothing ever could. The cloth tearing stops and he knows she's putting the pieces together.
So he turns. Her hand is at her throat, clutching at it like she can pull the poison out, like she can save herself and stop the choking. The betrayal that consumes her eyes kills him. Merlin wants to be dead, rather than have had to have made that decision, rather than face those eyes. More than the betrayal is the fear, the absolute terror that is overtaking her. Death looms above her, dealt by her own friend, whom she had trusted with her life many times before. He feels the betrayal like he was the one betrayed. In the end though, it will be he that lives and she that dies.
All he can do is reach for her. She pushes at him, accusation smothered by panic as she gasps. Her breathing gets more difficult and she loses the ability or the will to keep him at bay. He does not know; he does not care. All he wants is to hold her and reassure her that she will be okay, no matter that nothing will ever be okay again. He catches her as she falls, holds her against his lap, rocking gently. Tears continue to pool in his eyes. He loathes himself for doing this, for choosing Arthur over her.
Morgana's breathing is so labored and painful that Merlin can almost feel it himself as her throat closes up and air is stolen from her lungs. Her fingers clutch at his clothing, gripping tightly as pure fear overtakes her. He holds her, swaying soothingly, unable to look at her, even the top of her head. Instead, he casts his eyes to the heaven, praying to every god he can think of to save her, to stop what he put in motion. The thought that he has done this, he brought about the death of one of his best friends in the world is eclipsed by the one fervent desire that runs through his mind, throwing out the wish that she be saved. All he wants is for it to end. It was something he never imagined thinking about anyone, especially about someone he loves. But the thought comes from a place of love, true, deep, abiding love.
Please die. Please, just let her die. I can't bear her pain anymore, I cannot even bear my own. Die. Please. Let this be over. I need her to die.
I hope you liked it. Please review – your thoughts are highly appreciated! Part Two: Morgana is coming soon!