I'll Be

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.

Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.

I remember the first time I ever saw you. I never knew that day would change my life forever. I didn't know much back then – fifteen and stupid; crazy in love with a summer crush. I didn't even remember your name. I look back and laugh at how simple everything was then, when my biggest worry was whether my v-neck went too low, and whether or not a certain gray-green eye guy would notice. Better in the long run that he didn't – or is it? I always liked green eyes better than brown anyway. After that night, I only dreamed about your eyes.

Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.

I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

That summer crush didn't last long, and it was the next summer that was really important. It was the summer I noticed you. A sweet summer, full of secret glances and shared smiles, of double meanings and fumbling conversations – with a bit of spice here and there. All I wanted was to be held by you, to hear you say that we belonged together. I was captivated, hung on your every word, every move; I still do. You were the first person to honestly take my breath away.

My one regret – you never kissed me. Considering what else happened, I was rather disappointed. And I'm still in the same place I was that summer – my path forks to you and the 'gallows of heartache', but I still can't choose. I know the path I want but I can't bear to take those steps down the path of no return because I know that once I do, its true – I'll never be able to come back.

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

Sometimes I feel I'm still fifteen and stupid. When I fall for someone, its 110 percent; I'd do anything for you. I'll be your crying shoulder – listen to you rant about your girlfriend who left you, all the while wishing I had the courage to tell you I want you for myself. I wish I was wiser, braver, smarter – I'll be better when I'm older, but would you wait that long? Would you wait for me to get my pitiful self together? I'd give you everything but I'm more fragile than I look.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.

Here we are again – its history repeating. I listen to the rain falling, and even though you're lying beside me, I feel like crying. I pretend to sleep, but I never can when you're in my bed. You're awake too, but I don't know what you're thinking – you're always so distant. I want to reach out to you, but I'm afraid of having my heart broken again. Did you know you're the only one that makes me worry about that? So I listen to the rain again as you stare out the window. Your body comes back to bed, but I can tell you're still staring out that window. The rain that usually makes me so happy echoes the tears of my heart tonight. Where did it all go wrong?

You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.

The feelings I get when you're around – that's the only proof I have that I can still love. My planet revolves around you, and you don't even know it. As long as nothing is said, as long as I don't say anything, you can't reject me. So I'll bear the pain and learn to live with it. I wouldn't survive without you, without the unspoken question that hangs between us – that chance for something, anything; that is what keeps me going.


Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I know that you don't think of me, but I can't get you off my mind. Too often I come across something – a letter, a song – and it takes me back, to that perfect summer before everything went wrong. To a time when there was promise of beginnings, before the end. And all I want is to hear your voice again telling me that everything would be fine, joking and laughing and your hand in mine, fingers entwined. And I dream of you, but always when I wake, those gallows hang over me.

And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I'm at the end of my rope, in more ways than one. My life is a train wreck, a disaster, a mistake of enormous proportions. Every day I wonder if it's possible to make it worse and every night I go to the sleep with the realization that somehow during the course of that day I successfully dug myself even deeper in this hole. I'm burned out and permanently exhausted, I've come back from failure more times to count, and I still fight the suicide urges every day – putting the pills out of sight. I wanted to get better, to do better, to be someone worth something to you. I'm trying harder, and working at it – someday, someday I'll be able to be someone you could be proud of…


I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

And I still cry when I think of you, and I still wish you were with me, but I still have the memories, and I thank you for that – reluctant and stolen though they were. And even if you regret it, I'm sorry that I can't say I did. If I could go back and do it all over, I don't know if I would change any of it – you gave me the best moments of my life, for all the heartache that followed, and I will always love you.

I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

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