Disclaimer: This is a derivative work of fiction solely intended for private use and entertainment. The author does not profit or benefit materially in any way from its publishing and distribution and, as such, believes the work constitutes fair use under the Fair Use doctrine of U.S. copyright law. All copyrights in the original work are retained by the original authors/owners.

A/N: This is an alternate episode set within the series and is meant to replace "Out of Gas" in the episode order. It was inspired by a song (which almost all of my stories are), although I won't say which one because that might give away the plot. RER! (Read, Enjoy, Review).

"Fifty-eight, fifty-nine… sixty!" Shepherd Book called out.

"Hrrgh!" Jayne grunted as he finished the last rep and heaved the barbell onto the stands with the Shepherd's help. "Gorram!" he exclaimed, sitting up from the workout bench and breathing hard. Sweat stains darkened his t-shirt where it clung to the outlines of his chest and arms. He snatched up his towel from the floor and wiped the perspiration from his face. Dropping it on his knee, he caught his breath for a few more seconds before turning to the older man behind him. "Ready to go again?"

"Oh, no. I've done about all I can," Book answered. "I'll likely be sore as it is tomorrow. Body doesn't heal like it used to," he smiled. "I think it's time to hit the shower."

"Hmph! Least you got one to look forward to. I done used up all my allowance already," Jayne grumbled.

"I don't have much either, but I'll try to be quick. If I have any left, you're welcome to it."

"Nah, ain't no big deal," Jayne dismissed his earlier grousing. "I smelled worse before. Now, if we was planet-side, then I might have a notion to take you up on it. Most women ain't too keen on jiao pei when you smell like the ass end of an… ass," he stumbled over the comparison, but grinned all the same.

"I wouldn't know about that," the Shepherd's reply was noncommittal as he started towards the passenger dorms. Still grinning, Jayne threw his towel over his shoulder and climbed up catwalk towards the rear stairs.

Wandering into the galley, he rifled about the cubbies for a moment before bringing out a bag of nutri-chips. Tearing it open, he popped one of the satisfyingly bland crisps into his mouth and made his way towards the foredeck, crunching loudly. Ambling up the steps from the dining area, he stopped when he caught sight of Zoe and Wash in the foredeck. Zoe's back was leaning her back against the wall next to the hatch for their shared bunk. Her arms were draped over Wash's shoulders and he was pressed closely against her, his hands on her hips. Both of their eyes were closed, their lips locked in a passionate kiss, so neither of them noticed his presence. Chewing on the crisp in his mouth a little softer now, Jayne took a few steps back into the dining area, just out of sight of the couple, but not out of hearing.

"Mmmm… you know this might not be the best place for this," his ears caught a wisp of Zoe's hushed voice drifting down the hall. "It's a little bit public for my taste."

"We could go up on the bridge. I could close the door, post a 'do not disturb' sign outside," Wash offered. Zoe laughed at the suggestion, a sultry sound.

"You're supposed to be on watch," Zoe told him, but her purring words were hardly a reprimand.

"I'd still be watching, mostly. Well, a little bit, at least. Besides, I've always had this fantasy of combining my two greatest loves."

"What if we get off course?"

"We're in the middle of nowhere," Wash went on. "In fact, I think we passed the sign for the point of no return yesterday. Pretty soon we'll be falling right off the edge of the Verse."

"Then you better make sure we don't."

"Why? It's inevitable, really. It is called it the point of no return for a reason. Wouldn't you rather spend your last moments in sweet rapture instead?" he asked tantalizingly.

"Definitely," Zoe's response was low and sensual. There was a long pause. "But not while on duty," she concluded, her voice dropping most of its sensuality for her usual matter-of-fact tone. Wash uttered a pitiful groan.

"C'mon," he pleaded.

"You know the rules," Zoe reminded her husband as she swung her hatch open.

"Yeah, well aren't there some rules about a wife's duty to her husband?" Wash asked a little too sharply. "I mean… umm…" he swiftly tried to backtrack. Jayne could imagine the dangerous look on Zoe's face that had probably prompted the retraction. But instead of snapping back as she might usually do, she sighed, a somewhat resigned sound.

"Look, I know we haven't had a night off together for a while, but things have been a little rough," she said in a much more tender tone. "I'll talk to the captain again. Maybe we can re-work the watch schedule. Okay?"

"Alright," Wash agreed reluctantly.

"Don't worry," she assured him. Their conversation dissolved into a breathy silence, and Jayne hazarded a peek around the corner. The two were necking again, lost in the moment. That was, at least until he loudly cleared his throat. The couple broke apart sharply with startled looks in his direction.

"Don't mind me. Wouldn't wanna interrupt ya or nothin'," Jayne said with a purposeful leer.

"You'd better get back to work," Zoe encouraged her husband, reserving a glare for Jayne.

"Yeah. Sure," Wash muttered, not at all enthused.

"Good night, dear," she called as she disappeared into their bunk.

"Good night," Wash answered.

"G'night!" Jayne hollered with good humor as the hatch closed.

"Thanks," Wash sneered at him as he headed back towards the cockpit. Jayne smirked, ignoring the glower the pilot threw his way. Shaking his head, he meandered to his hatch and was about to swing down into his bunk when Wash's voice halted him.

"Say, Jayne," the pilot called from the top of the bridge stairs. "You weren't doin' anything right now, were you?" he peered down with a conspiratorial glint in his eyes.

"Uh… why?" Jayne droned a little warily.

"'Cause if not, I thought maybe you could help a guy out and…"

"Oh, no. Sorry, little man. Ain't my job to cover for you while you get some trim," he snorted with merciless pity and proceeded on his way down his ladder.

"C'mon," Wash pleaded, following after him. "Man to man. We gotta have each other's backs, right? It'll only be a few minutes."

"Hah! If that's all it takes, you ain't doin' it right. I need me at least twenty to get it done proper."

"Look," Wash tried again. "I'll buy you a couple rounds at our next stop. I'll give you half my share from the job. Whatever you want."

"Well, you might consider sharin' somethin' else once in a while," Jayne leered.

"Okay, anything but that," Wash corrected, closing his eyes and pressing a hand against them in disgust. Jayne just chuckled, but at the same time his expression lit up with a thought.

"Tell you what, I could stand for a shower but I used up my share for this week. You give me some o' yours an' I'll play lookout for you," he proposed.

"Deal!" Wash grinned without hesitation, thrusting out his hand. Jayne shook it. "Thanks," the pilot called as he turned and rushed eagerly towards his bunk. He paused at the hatch, though, and threw a mildly anxious look back. "Uh, just don't touch anything while you're up there, okay?"

"Don't worry. I ain't gonna break the ship or nothin'," Jayne waved his concern away.

"And don't tell Mal."

"I ain't stupid, either," Jayne spat.

"Good," Wash said, assured. Then he kicked the hatch and swung onto the ladder as it opened. "Hey baa-byy!" he lilted on his way down. Jayne shook his head again as the hatch slammed shut behind him.

"Now that there's just plain sad," he murmured. Sliding down his own ladder, he tossed his towel against the hanging next to his bed. The fabric absorbed the blow with a whuff, but the impact also knocked down a small parcel from the shelf behind. Jayne frowned curiously at it at first before exclaiming in recognition. "Gorram it, I forgot all about that!" Hopping off the ladder, he snatched the packet off of the bad and held it up, grinning. Bringing it near his nose, he inhaled deeply. "Now that's the stuff," his grin widened at the scent. Snapping one more of the nutria-chips between his teeth before setting the bag aside, he stuffed the package into his pocket and started back up the ladder, making his way for the bridge.

Twenty minutes later, he was slouched deep in the copilot's chair, his eyes closed and his feet propped up on the console. Smoke issued lazily from the ash hanging at the end of the half-burned stogie between his fingers. Opening his eyes, he turned his bleary gaze up to follow the tendrils in their dance on the faint air currents flowing from the ventilation grate. He took another deep drag from the stogie and blew out a cloudy puff, watching with amusement as the fresh haze mingled with its counterparts in lazy swirls and eddies. A loose grin settled on his cheeks and his eyelids started to droop again. Just then his stomach punctuated his contented basking with a growl.

"Damn. Wish I hadn't left them chips," he mumbled, his grin fading a little. Despite that misgiving, he made no effort to get up, instead sinking deeper into the chair and continuing to watch the ballet of the smoke ringing his head.

A slight cough from behind interrupted his cloud watching and he tried to jerk upright, although he flailed around a little at first. When he finally swung belatedly around in the chair, he found River standing just inside the doorway of the bridge, frowning. Her nose wrinkled up against the acrid smoke filling the room. Jayne blinked for a second and then greeted her with a vague smile.

"Hey." She did not answer, but just gave him a sideways look, her mouth still drawn down into a frown. Jayne squinted his eye and leaned forward slightly, studying her for a moment. "D'you know you're all glow-y? And kinda fuzzy, too," he said to her. She threw him another disapproving glance and padded silently across the bridge. "Whoa," he commented, leaning back and seemingly mesmerized by her movement. "How'd you do that?"

"Overstimulation of the occipital lobe brought on by an altered state of consciousness," she answered.

"Oh. Right," he agreed, though he continued to regard her with slight awe. She ignored him and went to stare out of the forward viewport, standing at the head of the stairs which separated the two control stations. Jayne followed her gaze to the black space beyond. "Whatcha lookin' at?" he asked after a moment.

"Brothers and sisters."

"Who?"

"Stars," she replied.

"Huh?"

"Matter can neither be created nor destroyed," she elaborated over his confusion. "Given the approximate age of the universe, there's a near certain probability that at some point the matter our bodies consists of was once part of a star. By that analogy, we're siblings." She turned to him with big, serious eyes. "There's a little stardust in all of us."

"Shiny," Jayne murmured with profundity, joining her in staring out the window from his seat. They both watched the blackness in silence for a while.

Jayne was about to take another hit from his cigar when a blaring alarm shattered the quiet moment. River flinched and immediately covered her ears.

"What the…?" Jayne exclaimed, nearly falling out of the chair this time. Lights strobed on the ceiling, blinding him with explosions of color. He staggered to his feet, but that was as far as he made it before tumbling into a tangle on the floor.

"Jayne!" Bare feet slapped with urgency on the metal grating. "Jayne?" Wash burst through the bridge door, shirt undone and holding his pants up with one hand, and found the mercenary sprawled in front of the co-pilot's station. "What the gorram hell…?" he uttered, pausing to register the scene. His head swiveled around the smoke-wreathed bridge in confusion, taking in the man on the lying on the floor as well as River, still covering her ears with her hands. Before he could ask questions, though, Mal's shouts echoed from the foredeck.

"Wash!" The captain's boots pounded down the hall. Wash cast a panicked glance behind him and darted to the controls. The alarm went silent a second later. "Wash, talk to me! How bad is it?" Mal called.

"Uh… it's fine, Cap'n! No problems! We're fine!" Wash's voice was pitched high with forced calmness.
"Holy… you call this fine?" Mal spluttered, vigorously waving the smoke from his face as he ran into a wall of it at the doorway. "Where'd all this come from, then?"

"Baby, you okay?" Zoe appeared a few seconds behind Mal, and more completely attired than her husband. "Hoo!" she announced and started coughing as soon as the smoke hit her nostrils. "What's goin' on?"

"That's what I'd like to know," Mal stated. Meanwhile, Jayne righted himself somewhat precariously and was brushing the ashes from his shirt front when he finally noticed the captain glaring at him with a sour expression.

"What?" he asked, genuinely clueless. "You wanna hit?" he held out the still-smoldering cigar stub.

"I'm gonna hit somethin' if you don't explain to me what you're doin' smokin' up on my bridge," the captain demanded, arms folding.

"Oh," Jayne tilted his head at the ceiling and scrunched one eye, apparently racking his brain for the answer to that question. "Oh, yeah!" his expression brightened. "I's holdin' down the fort for Wash so he and Zoe could grapple a bit," he replied, passing a sly grin aside to Wash. Mal's eyebrows raised and he turned deliberately to his pilot.

"Wash?"

"Um, yeah, Cap'n?" Wash answered with an expression of innocence, but his face was starting to shade red.

"You wanna clarify that?"

"Sure… yeah, actually… heh heh… the thing is…"

"You told me the captain was covering the watch for you," Zoe interrupted, stepping closer to her husband, her arms planted on her hips in a stance of displeasure.

"Well… not exactly. But Jayne was here, so technically it was covered. Technically…" Wash trailed off. Zoe's face darkened, and he shrank back against the console, eyes darting between the captain and his wife like a caged animal.

"So, you left Jayne in charge, despite my standing order to never, ever leave him in command?" Mal summarized with dangerously controlled anger.

"Ahem… well…"

"And then," he swung back to Jayne, "he proceeds to fumigate my bridge while he's supposed to be watchin' the ship."

Jayne bit his lip, fighting to keep a straight face, but his cheeks and eyes twitched and a small snort escaped his nose. He tried to stifle it, covering his mouth.

"Somethin' amusing in all this, Jayne?" Mal asked, taking a threatening step closer. A few more muffled chuckles squeezed out from behind his hand before Jayne dissolved into giggling laughter.

"Let's see how funny you think this is when you're cleanin' out latrines every day for a month!" Mal snapped.

"Sorry, Mal," Jayne managed between guffaws. "But… you should see your face… it's just… with a moustache….!" He descended into an uncontrollable fit and sank into the copilot's chair, clutching his sides. The odd looks Zoe and Wash were giving him behind Mal's back only made it worse.

"Um… is he okay?" Wash posed with real concern.

"Gorram it!" Mal's face flashed with wrath and he snatched the burning cigar from Jayne's hand. He reared back like he was about to smash it into his mercenary's face, but then his nose turned up in disgust when he caught a whiff of the stench wafting off the hot end.

"Ta ma de that reeks! What the hell is that?" Mal held the cigar at arm's length, his disgust momentarily overwhelming his ire.

"Cannabis sativa," River, silent until now, answered.

"Cannabi- you let Jayne take over the watch when he's…!" Mal whirled on Wash, anger freshly stoked.

"He wasn't when I left! I swear!" Wash cried, raising his hands in defense.

"Cap'n! Where's the fire?" Kaylee rushed panicky and breathless into the room before Mal could completely explode.

"There isn't one. False alarm," Mal gritted, reserving withering looks for both Jayne and Wash, the latter of whom cowed away.

"Sure smells like somethin's burnin'," Kaylee said, crinkling her nose.

"That's just Jayne's brain cells."

"Mal, is everything all ri… tian ya!" Inara arrived on Kaylee's heels, exclaiming as the pong of the smoke hit her, too. She coughed and covered her mouth and nose.

"I heard the alarm. Is there something wrong?" Book, his hair damp and awry, added his presence to the already crowded cockpit.

"Nothin' preacher. Everything's fine," Mal answered, his former anger now dwindling to mere resignation.

"Are you sure?" Book rejoined, brow knitted in concern at the smoke wreathing the bridge.

"What's going on? Has anyone seen River? I can't find… River!" Simon interrupted himself as he rounded out the group and spotted his sister among them. "What are you doing up here?"

"She was just sayin' hi to all our brothers an' sisters," Jayne offered, his laughter mostly under control now. "We're like family 'cause we all go some stars in us," he explained to Simon's searching look. Mal's chin sank and he rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Jayne, shut up."

"Well we do," Jayne tried to conjure a defensive tone, but he could not suppress a grin and the attendant chuckles that came with it.

Another buzzing alarm abruptly cried out in the hazy cockpit, startling everyone.

"Gorram it… Wash, crank up the air handlers and clear this crap outta here!" Mal replied to it.

"It's not that," Wash said as he went to his station and slapped off the alert. His fingers tapped staccato on the console keyboard. "What the…?" he frowned at his screen.

"What?" Mal asked.

"What is it?" seconded Zoe upon noting Wash's consternated look.

"We lost the nav beacon," Wash replied.

"You sure?" Mal responded. He moved to the helm and leaned over his pilot's side. "Check the receiver."

"I am," Wash's response was impatient.

"Sir, it's not just the nav beacon. Look, the entire Cortex is out," Zoe pointed to the monitor over her husband's head. The screen was blank except for the phrase "unable to detect signal" displayed in both Chinese and English characters.

"That don't make sense," Mal mused, confusion and concern wrinkling his features.

"Could it have been taken offline for some reason? Maybe a maintenance interval or a technical problem?" Inara proffered.

"Even if it was, there would be a back-up that would automatically take over. The Alliance would never risk a complete failure of any part of the network," Zoe countered. "The whole Verse might grind to a halt otherwise."

"That's right. It'd take something catastrophic to shut down the Cortex entirely," Book agreed. He joined Zoe and Mal behind Wash's seat, unease written across his dark visage.

"Catastrophic? Like what?" Simon asked with some trepidation.

"Diagnostic is coming back fine. The receiver is working. There's just no signal," Wash reported the results of his system check.

"Well, put us in a holding position 'till we figure out what's what. We keep movin' without a beacon and we're liable to end up halfway to the next Verse," Mal ordered.

"Impossible. The most proximal star outside of the system is located twelve point six-nine-four light years away. Fuel and consumables would be expended in approximately twenty-eight days," River concluded quietly and utterly serious. Everyone gave her blank looks.

"Does she even understand the notion of metaphor?" Mal turned to her brother in exasperation. "I thought she was a genius?"

"Hyperbole. Exaggeration to emphasize a point," River corrected and flashed the captain what might have been the faintest of dirty looks.

"Yes, thank you. Get her out of here, please," he told Simon. "The rest of you, too."

"Come on, River," Simon reached for her hand.

"But there's something out there," River turned to the darkness outside the cockpit window.

"No there's not. It's just empty space. Let's go. The captain wants us off the bridge." Simon tried to lead her away, but she resisted. By this time, Jayne had joined her again and was squinting out into the black.

"Hey, there is somethin' out there," he confirmed.

"Jayne, you're more candied than a fruitcake. Of course you're seein' things," Mal dismissed him.

"Mmm, now that'd hit the spot right about now," Jayne muttered with a wistful grin at the captain's confectionary insult.

"Sir?" Zoe spoke up. "I think they're right."

"Huh?" Mal jerked his head to the window.

"Look there. See that glint? That's no star," she jabbed her finger out the window. Mal leaned over the console to get a better view of what she was pointing at.

"Yeah. I see it, too," Wash agreed, lifting half out of his seat to stare. The others moved closer to the window as well, curious.

"Ruttin' hell," Mal muttered, catching sight of the object. "What is that? Wash…" he started to ask.

"I got nothin'," Wash was already relaying readings from his screens. "Thermal, EMF, radar. If it's that close we should have picked it up by now, but it's not showing up on anything."

"Somethin' wrong with the gorram sensor array, too?"

"I don't know, Mal!"

"Well, stop us before we run into it." Whilst Wash set to reducing their speed, Mal tapped his fingers on the console, pondering.

"It could just be a piece of junk, something that drifted out here," Book postulated.

"This far out?" Zoe doubted his assessment. "More likely it was left behind by someone."

"But what would another ship be doing all the way out here?" asked Inara.

"Same thing we are," Mal jumped back into the conversation. "Stayin' out of sight. Could be a drop point for smugglers or somethin' of the like."

"What about… um, Reavers?" Simon's hesitant remark sent a tense chill through the entire gathering. Everyone's eyes were drawn back to the viewports.

"It's not likely," Zoe spoke. "They'd stick closer to civilization and the main navigation routes. There's nothing out here for them to raid." Although her explanation was perfectly rational, her voice lacked its usual surety.

"All the same, don't wanna discount the possibility," Mal cautioned, which did little to assuage the unease on the bridge. "Keep your distance, Wash, and run diagnostics on the all the sensors. Kaylee, you and me are gonna get suited up and have a look outside to see if anything's gotten damaged. Dong ma?" Kaylee nodded, her lips tight with apprehension, but she dutifully headed off the bridge. "Zoe, you've got the com," Mal ordered, following behind Kaylee. "Keep the radio open in case they try to hail us," he told Wash, "but don't make contact. They so much as twitch the wrong way and you be ready to get us out of here," he instructed before vanishing through the bulkhead.

"Aye, Captain," Wash affirmed. The bridge descended into silence as the rest of the crew continued to stare at the dull silver dot in the window.

"What do you suppose it is?" Inara asked to no one in particular, and nobody voiced a response. The silence dragged on for a few more seconds.

"Well, I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm starvin'," Jayne announced. Ignoring everyone's various looks, he followed the call of his stomach off the bridge and down to the galley.