TITLE: A Fridge Too Far
By Jemmiah
***************
"Hell's teeth, I am staaaaaaaarving!" Qui-Gon groaned. "If I don't get something to eat in the next ten minutes I will expire for certain!"
"You like to exaggerate." Dex replied, an evil little grin creeping onto his face. "What's the matter? Doesn't Yoda feed you?"
"Too much," Qui-Gon nodded, "of the wrong kind of thing."
They sat companionably on the large leather sofa in Quirida-Xac's apartment, enjoying the time away from their studies. The younger boy kicked his feet about idly whilst Qui-Gon fidgeted with his fledgling padawan braid, desperately hoping that the rumblings in his stomach would abate in due course. Oh, he was proud that Yoda had picked him above all the others although he couldn't help but wonder what the ancient master had seen in him that had marked him out as special. Why had he not chosen Mace? Or Gilda? So many who, on the face of it, were much more worthy of the honor.
That honor came at a price. He was slowly being eaten away by his insides.
"What do you mean?" Dex frowned. "What wrong type?"
"Gruel." Qui-Gon rolled his eyes. "Stews. Stuff from the lower swamps of Dagobah…urgh! Dex, if he ever invites you round to dinner my advice is to decline."
"So, you mean he only feeds you healthy stuff?" Dex answered sympathetically. "That's awful, Qui."
"It wouldn't be so bad if I actually liked his cooking!" Jinn mumbled. "But…"
"It stinks?" hazarded Dex.
"Let's just say the flavorings are…unique."
Dex snorted.
"Doesn't sound much fun to me." The Corellian shrugged. "Didn't any of our cookery lessons rub off on you?"
"I spent most of my time trying to get you out of trouble!" Qui-Gon protested. "How are you supposed to learn about the finer points of cookery when you've got an imbecile pretending to cut off his fingers, or setting his hair on fire, or juggling with onions?"
"Ah, the good old days." Dex said wistfully. "Well, if you're hungry all you need to do is ask me. My master had a very well stocked larder. C'mon, let's see what we can mooch."
Qui-Gon could have given Dex a hug.
"You know, I always knew befriending you would pay off eventually." He said sincerely.
"Thanks, I think." The dry Corellian voice rejoined as they headed across to the monumental refrigeration unit. Qui-Gon's eyes nearly bugged as he stared up at it.
"This is new, isn't it?" he pointed.
"Yup," Dex grinned. "Master Q always says that he never got enough food as a padawan and he didn't want to make the same mistake with me. So he got this."
"But it's huge!" exclaimed Qui-Gon.
"Wait 'til you see the inside!" Dex smiled. "It'll knock you into orbit!"
Berlingside kept his eyes on Qui-Gon's face as his hand slid to the handle and pulled open the door. Slowly, tantalizingly Qui-Gon watched as the door creaked towards him, a beam of light heralding the taste of paradise that most surely awaited him…
He wasn't mistaken.
"But…but IT'S FOOD!" he pointed in awe. "Real food!"
"I can see there's no foolin' you." Dex snickered. "Straight to the top of the class, Yoda's pet!"
"I've never seen so much in my life at one time!" Qui-Gon wondered if he was hallucinating from lack of nourishment.
"Here." Dex picked up a Corellian chocolate pastry and tossed at him. "Eat. Don't worry about Master Q. There's so much there he'll never notice, an even if he did he wouldn't care."
"Oh, you have no idea how much I like you right now." Qui-Gon grinned. "I like your master, too."
"S'okay." Dex waved away the praise nonchalantly, watching as his friend sank his teeth into the chocolate, the cream shooting out the sides. He waited until Qui-Gon had devoured half of the pastry before he next spoke.
"That'll be ten credits, please."
"Wha…?" Qui-Gon nearly choked.
"You didn't expect it for free, did you?"
"Dex, you little…"
"I'm Corellian. There's no such thing as a free lunch."
"Sithling!"
"OK, OK! Keep the cake!" Dex chuckled. "Had you going for a moment, didn't it?"
Qui-Gon examined his chocolatey fingers and laughed at the absurdity of it all.
"I tried that one on Mace, too. Only he tried to kill me with a meringue. He was round scrounging food yesterday. Infact he's been scrounging food for the last three weeks. "
"Doesn't his master feed him either?" Qui-Gon wondered.
"He's a close friend of Yoda's. That would just about explain it." Dex replied. "Look, I've got an idea. I could make you up a food parcel. Nothing too big. I could leave it somewhere you'd know where to find it and you could pick it up. What do you say?"
"I say that you've been reinstated as my best friend." Jinn beamed.
"Just one thing. Yoda doesn't find out about this. My master might not mind but I'm pretty sure yours will."
"You think I'm suicidal?" Qui-Gon grimaced. "Have you seen that stick of his close up?"
"He hits you?" Dex's eyes rounded like two moons.
"Oh, no. Yoda NEVER hits you. He just…focuses your mind." Qui-Gon pouted. "That would be all I need on top of everything else."
Dex sank back down into the sofa and waited for Qui-Gon to do likewise.
"What have you done now?" he asked, curiosity awakened.
"The medical." He groaned. "The rather embarrassing one that all the padawans get when they're in their eleventh year. It's next week."
"Oh." Dex said solemnly. "You better hope you don't get old Doctor Prod and her rubber gloves."
"Who?" Qui-Gon felt himself beginning to sweat.
"Yenna D'Tabban. She's very thorough, so I've heard."
"Is she the one that took An-Paj as her padawan?" Qui-Gon asked. "Or was it someone else?"
"Can't remember." Dex shrugged. "Healers are a breed apart. I try and stay away from them. They're all sadists and torturers in white robes." He slapped Qui-Gon sportingly on the arm. "Good luck with the medical!"
Qui-Gon just looked at him.
**************
For the first three days Dex's plan to hide the food parcels worked wondrously well. Every afternoon at three standard time, Berlingside would stroll down to the gardens and leave the package in a food box in sight of Quillan's patch of garden. He had to be careful at leaving a mess because Quillan would surely complain to his master, and he went back a long way with Master Montal. There was a little nook within the Ferns and tall grasses that were part of a wild spot in the gardens in which Dex carefully placed the box for his friend to retrieve at a convenient moment. And so it went on.
Until on the fourth day Qui-Gon did not receive the package. Or the fifth. Or the sixth…
He didn't want to be ungrateful but all the same Qui-Gon couldn't help grumble at the inconsistency in his friend. That was what came of being Corellian, he supposed. Capricious and lazy, yet generous when he was so minded. He would never have complained under normal circumstances but then again having Yoda for a master was not normal.
Qui-Gon marched briskly towards the Montal residence and hoped Dex could give him his answers…and his supper.
As he lifted his hand to the ring the chime, the door swung open to reveal the smiling and relaxed face of Quirida-Xac.
//Come to think of it, I've never seen him when he's not relaxed.// Qui-Gon blinked.
Master Montal merely smiled and showed the way in with a sweep of his arms, the incredibly bright eyes burning with a child -like excitement as if at some private joke.
"Master Montal." Qui-Gon nodded respectfully.
"Hi, Qui." Dex waved as he walked through into the living area. "Hey, guess what. We're getting a Parroteel! Isn't that great?"
"Is it edible?" Qui-Gon felt his innards protesting loudly again. "I'm withering away here."
Dex frowned.
"Wasn't that food parcel enough?" he asked in surprise, his face contorted into a frown.
"It might have been if I'd got it!" Qui-Gon hissed. "It wasn't there!"
"Of course it was!" Dex replied indignantly. "I put it there myself not two hours ago!"
"Well, it wasn't there when I got there." Qui-Gon huffed. "Who'd had it, the temple pixies at the bottom of the garden?"
"That's not very grateful." Dex folded his arms. "I've gone out of my way to help you."
Quirida-Xac watched in amused fashion as the two boys traded insults and tirades until they'd run out of things to say, merely standing glowering at each other. Their energy spent, now there was only the foolishness of a pointless quarrel to deal with.
"Sorry." Said Dex almost shyly. "Don't let's fall out."
"Sorry." Qui-Gon replied. "But I'm still hungry."
Master Montal sat down and started tapping something onto a mini keypad.
"The gardens?" he asked casually. "I took a walk out there myself. Just to see what was so interesting that you kept having to leave your lessons for at the same time every day."
"Y-you did?" Dex stammered.
"Uh-huh." Quirida-Xac nodded, tapping away with his fingers against the keys. "Very interesting. Know what I saw?"
"No, master." Dex was curious.
"Windu." he looked up. "He seemed rather interested in the ferns for some reason."
Qui-Gon and Dex stared at each other.
"I'll kill him." Jinn said flatly.
Quirida-Xac tutted, slouching lazily back in his seat.
"A Jedi does not seek revenge." He replied, before adding, "Not on an empty stomach. You can eat round here."
Not for the first time did Qui-Gon wish he could swap places with Dex. Plans for revenge would have to wait until after his much-feared medical examination…
Tomorrow.
****************
"How was Dr Prod?" Dex grinned the following afternoon.
"Don't make me tell you." Qui-Gon moaned piteously. "It will haunt your nightmares for the next four years."
"That bad, huh?"
"It gets worse." Qui-Gon said quietly. "I am sooooo embarrassed. If I tell you it does NOT go out this room, OK?"
"Yeah, whatever. Just tell me!" Dex almost bounced up and down on his chair. "What is it?"
The taller padawan sighed so deeply that Dex imagined he were caught in a breeze.
"They hauled me in, checked me over, stripped me, prodded me, asked me all sorts of questions and then…"
"WHAT?!?" Dex almost yelled.
"They asked me to provide a sample."
Dex looked puzzled.
"A sample? Is that all?"
"Well, I couldn't go! Do you know how embarrassing that was? All these people waiting for me to come back in the room…I just couldn't do it!"
"What did they do?"
"What could they do?" Qui-Gon rested his head in his hands, speaking through splayed fingers. "They gave me so much water to drink that I thought I might drown."
"Still no luck?"
"Correct." Qui-Gon sighed once again. "They said I could provide a sample and take it down to them, but could they have it as soon as possible?"
"Well, go on." Dex shrugged. "The fresher's through there."
"I can't!" Jinn hissed.
"What, still?"
"Yes, still!" Qui-Gon groused.
Dex paused.
"You've got a wonky bladder." He declared finally. "Sure you weren't a Bantha in your last existence?"
"You're not helping!" Qui-Gon whined.
"Look, all you need is motivation. Go in there and turn the water on. If that doesn't get you going then…" he cast his eyes over to the bottle of citrus they'd just got out of the refrigeration unit, "…take this in with you and drink the lot! Jump up and down if you have to!"
Qui-Gon's face flushed scarlet but he somehow managed to maintain what little dignity was left to him. He stood up and picked up the enormous bottle of citrus before nodding his thanks to Dex and walking towards the fresher room, closing the door gently behind him.
Dex sat and waited for five minutes, twiddling his thumbs.
"Are you not finished yet?" he shouted finally.
"SHUT UP!" came back the muffled voice partially covered by the sound of running water.
Berlingside grinned and stretched out along the couch. Something told him he was going to be in for a long wait.
****************
Qui-Gon somehow managed to drink all of the citrus juice and finally thought he might be getting somewhere, even though Dex's continual comments were putting him off to a certain degree. Probably in revenge for their little argument the other day, h e thought to himself. The running water was starting to pay off and Qui-Gon resignedly decided he might as well try to put this ridiculously humiliating charade behind him…
Only he realized he didn't have the glass vial the healers had given him.
Sithspit!
What should he do now? He cast about for something else he could use instead and his eyes alighted on the bottle of citrus, now emptied. Yes, it was kind of disgusting. No, he'd never quite think of citrus in the same way ever again. It would have to do.
"Are you OK in there?" Dex called.
"Will you be quiet?" Jinn retorted.
Dex was on the point of calling something back when the chime sounded loud and clear in the living quarters. It wasn't his master. He'd gone to speak to Master Fin-Tial. Then who?
Berlingside stretched out with the force and quickly got an answer to his own question.
Mace.
Rubbing his hands, Dex went to let the padawan in.
"Hi, Mace." Dex smiled as Mace pushed past the younger boy. "Make yourself at home…oh, I see you have." He snorted.
"What have you got to eat in this place? I'm starving." Mace walked over to the refrigeration unit and opened the door.
"Is that all you come here for?" Dex asked in a hurt voice.
"Oh, come on! Everyone knows you've got the biggest supply of food this side of Coruscant. That's why you're so darned popular." He raked about in the fridge and picked up three iced cakes. "This'll have to do, I s'pose."
"You like eating other people's food, don't you Mace?" Dex asked wryly.
"That's because I don't get any of my own." Mace answered. "It's not as if you don't get enough. Anyhow, how was your day?"
Dex watched as half of the first iced cake disappeared almost instantly and couldn't help but feel a certain amount of resentment at Mace's behavior. He was counting heavily on Dex's good nature and it rankled with the Corellian that he'd been read so well.
He'd get his own back somehow. For stealing his food, ransacking his fridge and being responsible for he and Qui-Gon fighting yesterday. It was all being noted…
Qui-Gon chose that moment to exit the fresher.
"Hi Qui-Gon!" Mace said through a mouthful of cake.
"Oh, hello." Jinn's eyes narrowed. "Stolen any more food parcels today?"
Mace chuckled nervously.
"You know how it is. Finders keepers and all that sort of thing. I saw Dex the third day and wondered what he was doing and thought that it was such a waste to leave all that food to go to ruin like that."
Dex began to fume.
"You OK?" he asked Qui-Gon, frowning at the bottle.
"Yeah, mission accomplished. It wasn't easy though. I forgot that I didn't have what I was supposed to have and I had to use…"
"Yes, nevermind." Dex replied, snatching the bottle from Qui-Gon.
"What are you two Nerf wits on about now?" Mace asked.
Something inside Dex snapped and the natural good humor of the Corellian boy disappeared in one swift stroke.
"It doesn't matter." Berlingside grinned as Mace began to wolf down a second portion of cake. He slid Qui-Gon's bottle across the table to where Mace was sitting.
"Here, have some citrus to wash it down with."
*****************
"So, the upshot is that Mace is in trouble for thievery." Qui-Gon said in a sulky voice. "His Master didn't take too kindly to all the tales of wanton greediness, for which he blames your master for encouraging him. So your master is now in trouble for feeding us all, which doesn't seem to bother him in the least."
"I don't think anything really bothers him." Dex admitted.
"So, Mace has to help out Master Quilan in the garden as a punishment. And I am in trouble for not following Yoda's dietary regime. He said he was so worried that he wasn't feeding me enough because I'd felt I had to go snacking at your place, so he was going to give me more food."
"But Qui, that's great." Dex let his smile fade at his friend's expression. "Isn't it?"
"What, you think double gruel is great?" Jinn pouted.
"Oh."
Qui-Gon looked at his friend.
"What about you? What was your punishment?"
"Well, they all talked it over and decided that because I was leaving litter in the gardens they said they'd leave it up to my master to think of a punishment."
"So what did you get?" Qui-Gon asked curiously.
"Quirida-Xac said I had to learn how to dispose of food in a proper and fitting manner and not leave it lying all over the place." Dex produced a packet of Takkini chips from behind his back. "So I have to help him clean out the fridge." He crunched a handful of chips in a maliciously loud manner.
"This is my idea of waste disposal!"