Chapter 1 – You've Got a Girl at Home and Everybody Knows That
A/N: Hey guys, so I decided to totally rewrite this story! Pairings are the same, I just made it longer and expanded on a lot of the little sub-plots! I'm hoping to do the same for a range of stories because I had my little boy about 4 months ago and I don't have the time to write any new stories or chapters so I'm just doing re-writes because I can do a scene at a time in-between screaming fits!
Hope you enjoy the newer version! I still have the old version so if anyone requests it, then it's there but I think this one is much better!
Holly
The war had brought many long, sleepless nights and throughout them all Harry had fantasized about the way his life would be when it was all over. Throughout all of the pain and the suffering he reminded himself that one day it would be over and he could be with Ginny again. He would watch her on the Marauders map and think about going back to Hogwarts to finish his schooling once Voldemort had been defeated. He envisioned them playing Quidditch together, laughing underneath the oak tree in the sunlit grounds. He saw Ron and Hermione bickering but they ended their arguments with kisses rather than fights. In this fantasy future there was no pain and everything was just as it had been before.
Reality hadn't lived up to that fantasy for Harry at all. There had been no feeling of relief for him when it all ended, he had expected to be flooded with relief the moment Voldemort dropped dead. At first though he felt nothing, he felt totally numb. When that numbness wore off he felt sick with guilt and anger, the anger was directed at himself and only himself. The war was over but that wasn't the end of the suffering because people had died, lots of people who Harry cared about. He had lost Remus and Tonks. The Weasley's had lost Fred and that had hurt them all more than any of them could ever have expected. One of those affected the most by it was Ginny, Harry was sure she blamed him for what had happened even if she had never explicitly said so.
All the same, the war had changed things for some people. Voldemort's death had made the wizarding world a safer place and it was a happier one for the majority of the population too. Ron and Hermione had gotten together and they were as happy in real life as they had been in Harry's visions of a post-war world but Harry was so far removed from the man he had wanted to be. He knew he wasn't the only one, there were a few others who felt the same as they had during the war or who felt worse.
Harry felt empty inside, it was like he was no longer capable of feeling anything. He had been fighting Voldemort for so long, he had been told that it was his destiny for so long, that Harry thought it was all he could do. Now that Voldemort was gone, in a sick and twisted way, Harry felt like he had nothing to live for. His purpose had been to kill Voldemort and now that he had done that, he had no purpose. Hermione kept telling him to find a new purpose but it wasn't that easy as far as Harry was concerned. Hermione had suggested Auror training, she had said that maybe it would help him to know that he was helping other people but he didn't think he could handle any more fighting. He felt like all of the fight had been sucked out of him, physically and mentally.
He hadn't coped well at first, while the rest of the wizarding world were making merry and cheering that Voldemort had finally been defeated, Harry locked himself away in Grimmauld Place. He had completely shut everyone out, even Ron and Hermione weren't permitted to enter his new wards until the war had been over for a good two weeks. Harry had hoped that some time on his own would fix things, he thought he would gradually feel better and then he would be able to rejoin society once more but no amount of time or firewhiskey could get rid of the empty feeling or the guilt he felt deep in his gut.
When Harry left the house for the first time it was because he wanted a drink, and it had to be stronger than what had been left in the house. Sirius had a stash of firewhiskey in his old bedroom but it was the cheapest, most disgusting stuff Harry had tasted and he had gone through it within 2 weeks. He hadn't needed to leave the house yet, he sent Kreacher to go out and get food and he got the prophet delivered. He spent more time scoffing at it and throwing it in the fire than he did reading it anyway.
When he did go out, he had wanted to avoid somewhere popular because he didn't want to deal with people very much, especially the kind of people who were worried about him. He didn't want Mrs. Weasley trying to make him tea or Hermione awkwardly asking him if he wanted to talk about it.
That was how he found himself at the Hogs Head. The dump seemed like a hotel after his 2 week stay in the hovel that was Grimmauld Place. He kept his cloak up to hide his face as he walked into the pub, it was empty apart from another figure who was hunched over by the bar. Harry sat down and ordered a double firewhiskey with a world weary sigh.
The person sitting next to him sniggered and turned their head slightly to look at him, "Are you sure you can handle a double, Potter?"
Harry recognised the man with ease. Draco Malfoy's hair was longer than Harry remembered and he was scruffier too with dark blonde stubble covering his chin. Harry couldn't help but think that Draco looked about as bad as he felt.
"I can hold my liquor fine Malfoy, trust me," Harry muttered as Aberforth slid the drink across the bar. He knocked it back without even wincing at the burn that it left in his throat, he kind of welcomed the pain if he was honest.
Draco raised an eyebrow at him, "What's your excuse? Shouldn't you be in the happy camp?"
"Should being the operative word there," Harry said as he stared at the wall ahead of him, "Maybe I should be happy but how can I be when people are dead because of me?"
Draco didn't reply but it had been a rhetorical question anyway. Harry ordered another double firewhiskey then bought Draco one as an afterthought.
"You look as bad as I do anyway," Harry said as he downed the second drink.
Draco shrugged, "I narrowly avoided Azkaban but I doubt anyone will ever look at me the same way again. My Father is a piece of shit and he got away with everything he did and my Mother has sunk so deep into her own depression that she doesn't care about anyone else's suffering."
"So you drink," Harry said.
"So I drink," Draco agreed, "Because it numbs the pain and it makes me feel alive, it's about the only thing that can these days."
"I don't know about feeling alive," Harry sighed, "But it definitely numbs the pain."
Draco glanced at Harry and observed him for a moment. He ordered another round of drinks and the most absurd friendship was struck up. They had talked until the early hours of the morning and somehow this unlikely friendship had healed Harry just a little.
After that he stopped drinking all day every day, but he still couldn't do without a drink even if that drink was just one firewhiskey. His occasional meet-ups with Draco became a weekly occurrence and before long they saw each other every few days. He couldn't explain why it helped him so much but it did, he got back out into the world around a month after the final battle. He managed to patch things up with Ron and Hermione but he could tell Hermione was worried about him. Harry shrugged off her questions and concerns and pretended that he was fine, Ron bought it but he knew that Hermione wouldn't be so easily fooled.
At his first Weasley Sunday dinner since the war, Ginny kissed him. Harry had been expecting it but he had hoped he would maybe feel something when she did so. He felt nothing though, no spark or hope, none of the good things he used to feel when they kissed. All the same, Harry went with the flow. He continued to pretend for Ginny's sake that things were fine and that he was fine. A week or so after that slightly awkward kiss he and Ginny had drunk into the night and talked about the war and the aftermath. They had talked and talked all night long and Ginny had eventually asked the question that had been burning in her mind. She had asked Harry why he hadn't come back to her after the war like he had said that he would. Harry could only shrug and say that he hadn't known how to because he hadn't known how to do anything after the war. Ginny said that she understood but Harry doubted that she really did, he suspected she was still a bit upset and he knew that she still blamed him for Fred's death.
As time went on, things escalated between himself and Ginny but behind the scenes things were only getting worse for Harry. Everyone around them carried on as normal, Ron and Hermione got engaged which was cause for a grand celebration. Harry was happy for them, he didn't have to pretend about that at least. He wasn't happy about the fact it made everyone start asking when he was going to propose to Ginny because he couldn't imagine a future with her, as much as he wished that he could. Ginny had practically moved into Grimmauld Place, Harry wasn't sure when it had happened but he hadn't stopped it either way. She knew he liked a drink but she fooled herself into thinking it wasn't anything more sinister.
All of the questions about marriage, all of the pressure to marry Ginny and produce a perfect little family, it became too much. It was what pushed him over the edge, the glass of firewhiskey each day began to become two then three. When he went out with Draco they could share a bottle and he wouldn't even feel drunk afterwards. Although he knew, deep down, it was getting worse.
Harry was going through the motions with Ginny, he was pretending that everything was fine. In reality, nothing was fine because Harry hadn't been faithful to Ginny for a good couple of months and it had all started when Draco had taken him to an underground nightclub that he called London's best kept secret. That first night, as they always did when they got together, they both drank far too much. Harry knew that Draco was a bad influence on him but it came to a head that night, they were drinking and Harry actually began to have a little bit of fun as Draco dragged him up on the dancefloor. They danced with some pretty girls to some loud music and Harry felt that adrenaline buzz that Draco had talked about. The feeling was so good that Harry just rolled with it, he woke up the following morning in the spare room of Draco's London penthouse with a random blonde naked next to him. The guilt flooded him and he had thrown up in the shower. He had even cried a little bit, the sick thing was that he wasn't crying for Ginny, he was crying for himself.
Draco had told him not to be so stupid when he saw the state of him that morning. Harry had tried to take his advice on board as he showered and went home, he had smiled and told Ginny he and Draco had a great night. She didn't suspect anything or if she did, she pretended that she didn't. Harry thought he would never do it again but the exact same thing happened when they went out the following week and every time he felt a little less guilty.
It all kept the pain at bay, but Harry knew that he and Draco were seriously fucked up. They had firewhiskey in their cereal instead of milk, deep down he knew that wasn't normal. Harry wasn't the only one who had a girl at home who he was screwing over but it was different for Draco. Harry was pretending to be with Ginny because it was what she wanted, it was what everyone else wanted too. Draco however had an arranged marriage contract set up with Astoria Greengrass, a Slytherin girl who was the same age as Ginny. He didn't have feelings for her but by pureblood law and blood magic, he was linked with her until he could find a way not to be.
Ginny did know that something was wrong, although Harry doubted that she knew about the girls. She called firewhiskey Harry's weapon of choice and made a joke out of it. Deep down though Ginny was anxious about how much Harry drank, Ron and Hermione were too. Ron said that Harry drank too much every so often when he was feeling brave enough to broach the subject. Hermione nagged him and tried to get him to talk to her about his problems but Harry brushed her off and said he didn't need to talk because he was fine.
Harry doubted that Ginny ever realised that he was unfaithful. She knew that when he was out, he was with Draco and she always assumed they were at the Hogs Head. Harry always took girls back to Draco's flat or he went back to the flat of whatever girl he had hooked up with. He always showered before he got home to wash off the smell of sex, alcohol and another girl's perfume.
On this particular occasion, Harry and Draco were out again at a different underground club in a different city. It had been nearly 6 months since the war ended but the wounds were still as fresh as they had been one month after the final battle. Harry went through a vicious cycle of alcohol, sex and guilt and he didn't seem capable of stopping himself.
"Why do we do this?" Harry asked after downing yet another firewhiskey. He had stopped counting a long time ago.
"The alcohol or the women?" Draco asked sarcastically as the music pumped loudly in their ears.
"Both," Harry said, although he knew the answer to at least one.
"You know I do it because when I drink I don't feel pain," Draco admitted in one of those rare moments when he shared his true thoughts and feelings with Harry, "When I drink the people I've killed don't haunt me in my sleep. I can sleep for a few hours without hearing their screams…"
"I don't know if it numbs my pain," Harry admitted, "I know that it helps me forget though. I can enjoy myself a little, I can feel something apart from emptiness…I don't think about everyone that I've failed. I don't see Cedric or my parents or Sirius and Remus dying every time I shut my bloody eyes."
Draco gave a small nod, he seemed surprised but then again he and Harry didn't share often. They didn't have that kind of friendship, heart to hearts were definitely not their thing. He ordered another round of drinks and said, "As for the women, I don't know why you do it but I do it because I need a thrill. I slept with Astoria once, it was the most boring experience of my life."
Harry laughed despite himself, "Yeah well Ginny and me don't really…you know. It makes me feel better, the sex, it gives me an adrenaline boost but I hate the comedown the morning after."
"That's because you have a guilty conscience," Draco smirked, "I'm not so unlucky."
Harry shot the man a glare, "The people around us just don't understand. They think that you're just going to be the same, that things will eventually blow over and you'll just be okay but I'll never be the same person I was before the war."
"Neither will I," Draco said honestly, "And no one understands that, especially not my Mother."
Their conversation ended there, Harry ordered the next round of drinks and nothing more was said on the subject. The two men surveyed the room in an attempt to find a girl that they found attractive. Draco grinned and Harry followed his line of sight to where a gorgeous blonde was dancing. He smirked which was something he only did around Draco, "Daphne again? That's the 3rd time this month!"
"Hey, I like the best," Draco smirked. He downed his drink, got to his feet and made his way over to the blonde girl.
Harry shook his head in disbelief. He was watching someone he knew cheat on his girlfriend and worse than that, he was cheating on his own girlfriend. The worst thing of all was that he was screwing over his friend, someone who had been his friend for a long time through a lot of shit. The worst part of the whole thing was that Harry didn't even care, when he was out seeking thrills with all of these girls Ginny didn't even cross his mind.
Harry watched as Draco approached Daphne. That situation was about as messed up as his situation with Ginny. Draco clearly had a soft spot for Daphne who just so happened to be the older sister of Astoria Greengrass. Draco didn't seem to have any qualms about sleeping with his bride-to-be's sister, Harry knew the guilt would eat him up if he was sleeping with someone close to Ginny and hiding it from her because it was bad enough sleeping with random girls.
As Harry's thoughts wandered, he caught sight of another girl dancing with Daphne. He vaguely recognised her but he wasn't sure why at first. From a distance he was caught by her long, curly red hair and her eyes which seemed to sparkle mischievously. He decided he would talk to her and see where it led, as he walked towards her she laughed and appeared to glow radiantly, there was no denying that she was beautiful.
Harry grinned as he approached her, "Hey."
She gave him a halfhearted smile, "Hey chosen one," she said.
Harry frowned and narrowed his eyes at her. When his eyes locked with her bright blue ones he clicked and his eyes widened, "Susan!"
The redhead grinned, "Yeah, nice to know you recognised me Harry."
Harry felt a little bit bad that he hadn't recognise her but Susan had changed a lot since the last time he saw her, "Well you were covered in blood and mud the last time I saw you."
He had a secret, he hid behind a smile and a joke, just like Draco had taught him how to. It wasn't funny that the last time he had seen her she was covered in blood. The last time he saw her had been during the final battle, that blood had been her own, it had been the blood of her friends.
Something flashed in Susan's eyes, something akin to pain. She laughed it off but Harry doubted that it was real, "Yeah, I guess I did look different but then look at you, I've never seen you look so scruffy."
Harry smirked, "Do you like my beard?" he asked. It wasn't really a beard; it was more like stubble but most of the girls he had been with said that they liked it.
"It kind of suits you," Susan said with a smile.
Harry grinned, "Do you wanna dance?"
"Sure," Susan said, she looked at Harry suspiciously but he wasn't sure why at first. Susan let Harry take her hand and lead her over to where Draco and Daphne were now dancing very closely. Harry rolled his eyes as Draco whispered to Daphne and she giggled in response. He started to dance with Susan to some fast paced song that he didn't know, before long he had her laughing as he swung her about the dance floor. He was just thinking that this was going to be easier than he thought, Harry had been with a lot of girls since he and Draco started this thing but he had never slept with anyone that he knew. It wasn't because he didn't want to, it wasn't even because he thought Ginny might find out. He wished it was because of that because the truth was worse, he didn't care about Ginny finding out, in fact he kind of welcomed it. Harry just didn't feel that way inclined towards that many girls they had gone to school with. He found Daphne attractive, it was hard not to with her flowing blonde locks and amazing figure. But any chance he had with her had been shot down when she called him a "scarheaded skinny git."
Harry pulled Susan in close as the song changed to a slower number. She hadn't expected it and ended up close to his chest. He caught her eye and kissed her, he had expected her to kiss him back but she pulled away after only a few seconds. Harry frowned and looked up at the former Hufflepuff who seemed vaguely disgusted with him.
"What?" Harry asked slightly self-consciously.
Susan shook her head in disbelief and walked away from him, he frowned and followed her through the dance floor to the bar. She sat down on the barstool Draco had just vacated, Harry sat down next to her and looked at her expectantly.
"Do you think I'm stupid or something, Harry?" Susan asked as she narrowed her eyes at him, "Everyone knows you're with Ginny."
"I'm not," Harry lied, "It's just a rumour. You know what the Prophet is like, they want their whole 'golden couple' bullshit headline."
"That's bullshit," Susan said, she saw right through the lie, "That won't work on me. I work with Hermione, don't try and tell me your best friend is lying."
Harry hadn't realised Susan talked to Hermione, let alone worked with her. In school Susan had always been a little odd and very out there but he wasn't aware that she knew any of his friends.
"Well it's complicated with Ginny," Harry said, he had decided to try a new tactic.
"Complicated enough to go out, get drunk and sleep with other women?" Susan asked coolly.
Harry sighed, "It's not like that Susan. I like you, I've liked you since we were in school."
Susan scoffed, "Oh come on, I'm not going to fall for that. You never even noticed me in school."
"That's not true," Harry said, he was actually being honest now, "You were great in the DA, you had some amazing shield charms and your patronus was a rabbit. You took out so many Death Eaters in the final battle too."
"So you noted my defence abilities," Susan said practically, "Which is logical since you were in charge of a defence group. That hardly proves you liked me in school."
"Merlin, you sound like Hermione," Harry said with a roll of his eyes, "I can prove I liked you though, what about 4th year Herbology?"
"You never even noticed me in 4th year Herbology," Susan scoffed, it was obvious that she didn't believe a word that Harry was saying.
"I did," Harry argued, "You wore a different coloured hairband every day. It was yellow on Monday, blue on Tuesday, green on Wednesday, gold on Thursday and purple on Friday."
This took Susan by surprise. Harry saw it flash through her eyes briefly but she covered it up quickly and shook her head, "It was silver on Friday actually."
"Oh come on, isn't that close enough to prove that I'm not lying?" Harry asked with a rather cheeky grin.
"Maybe you did like me then but 4th year was a long time ago and we aren't kids anymore. We're adults, one of us is a responsible adult and you are with someone else," Susan said, she had made it clear that this was reason enough for her to not go anywhere with Harry that night.
"But I've wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you with that yellow hairband on in Herbology," Harry said.
Susan shook her head in disbelief, "I'm not stupid Harry, I'm probably one of many girls you've said that to. What did you tell Daphne, that you've wanted to screw her since you saw her wear that short skirt to Potions?"
"I didn't tell Daphne anything actually," Harry lied. He had tried a similar tactic with Daphne, he had told her he noticed her years ago at school when she wore green stockings to Potions. Daphne had glared at him and said that she never wore green stockings but her best friend Tracey had. When Harry had asked if her friend was single Daphne had replied that she had died during the war. Draco had teased him something rotten for that one the following morning.
"Yeah right," Susan said, "I'm not an exception, I'm just another girl you want in your bed."
Harry placed his hand on his heart and teased her, "I'm wounded. How do you know I didn't just want to dance with you?"
Susan looked disgusted with him, "You disgust me Harry. You're just a sad, pathetic man who runs around chasing the next best thing while your girlfriend sits up wondering why you aren't home with her tonight. After everything Ginny supported you through, you're just taking her for granted."
Susan's anger sparked Harry's bitterness, "She's the one whose obsessed with me. All her and her family can talk about is how it's so perfect that we're together and that I'm going to marry into the Weasley family. Do you think any of them will ever ask me what I want? What's wrong with going out and having a little fun? I think I deserve it after having Voldemort on my arse for 7 years!"
"Who the hell are you Harry?" Susan asked, she didn't even sound angry anymore, she just seemed sad, "Where is the guy who helped everyone perfect their shield charms in 5th year? Where's the guy who tried to help everybody no matter how much worse his situation was? Where is he, huh?"
Harry couldn't formulate a reply at first because Susan's words hurt and he wasn't used to feeling pain, not when he had been drinking as much firewhiskey as he had tonight. He swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat and said, "He died in the final battle."
"Well that's a pity," Susan said as she picked up her handbag and stood up, "Because I liked that boy I went to school with and if he had been single when he asked me to dance tonight, I would have let him kiss me."
Harry didn't know what to say to that so he remained silent. Susan swung her bag over her shoulder and added, "And be grateful that I'm not going to say anything to Ginny about this. It's not for you, it's because she's gone through enough and I feel like when this does come out it needs to come from you. Just so you know though, you sure as hell don't deserve her."
Harry groaned as Susan stomped out of the club. He looked around, all of a sudden nobody looked attractive and for the first time in a while Harry didn't want to go home with anyone, he just wanted to go home alone. He saw Draco sneaking away with Daphne and he sighed. He walked towards the door that Susan had just left through then apparated back to Grimmauld Place alone, drunk and feeling worse than he had for a long time.
TBC