The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is out writing a check somewhere. Not even this idea is mine. Star Saber 21 gave it to me and now I am running amok with it. Like a pair of scissors on fire!
Mallory's Agreement
"GOD DAMN IT! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?" Mallory shouted in the hallway. Ray and Cheryl were sitting in the break room listening in. "STUPID QUESTION! YOU CAN'T!"
"WHY ARE YOU MAD AT US?" Pam shouted back. "IT'S NOT OUR FAULT THAT WE HAVEN'T HAD ANY CLIENTS!"
"YES, IT IS YOU OVERWEIGHT WEIRDO!" Mallory shouted. "IT'S ALL OF YOU IDIOTS' FAULT!"
"CONVEINENTLY NOT YOURS!" Archer shouted back. "OW!"
"OH REALLY?" Mallory snarled. "I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SCREWED UP EVERY MISSION THE CIA EVER GAVE US!"
"WE DIDN'T SCREW UP EVERY MISSION!" Archer protested. "THREE OUT OF FOUR TOPS!"
"SHUT UP!" Mallory screamed as the sound of broken glass was heard. "YOU IDIOTS SCREWED UP ALL OUR MISSIONS! YOU GOT ME KICKED OUT OF ESPIONAGE! YOU GOT ME HELD HOSTAGE BY KILLER CLOWNS AND SHOT AT BY BEAN BAGS! YOU GOT ME ARRESTED!"
"Technically the clowns and the bean bags weren't our fault," Cyril was heard whining. "That was Shapiro. OW!"
"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. Archer was heard laughing. "AND WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT STERLING?"
"OWW!" Archer was heard shouting. "MOTHER!"
"GOD IF THERE WAS EVER AN ARGUMENT FOR ABORTION IT'S RIGHT HERE IN THIS ROOM!" Mallory screamed.
"Boy she's extra bitchier than usual," Ray grumbled. "Must have taken her super bitch pills today."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY PRINCESS RAYELLA?" Mallory screamed as she stormed into the room.
"Nothing," Ray gulped.
"Stop the presses!" Mallory hissed. "The sissy cyborg says nothing important!"
"You know…?" Ray began.
"You know if you talk back to me you will need some artificial teeth along with your hand and legs!" Mallory interrupted.
"Ooh!" Cheryl perked up.
"Carol I'm not even going to bother to threaten you," Mallory growled. "Because you're too stupid to know that pain is a bad thing!"
"Ooh! But insults still get me going!" Cheryl grinned.
"This is what I have been reduced to," Mallory groaned. "This is my reality now! An agency filled with losers, weirdoes and freaks!"
"Well you don't have to be so negative about it," Pam was heard saying.
"YES I DO!" Mallory stormed out. "BECAUSE YOU IDIOTS RUINED MY LIFE! YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU IDIOTS! SO WHY NOT GIVE YOU IDIOTS SOME OF THE HELL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME OVER THE YEARS?"
"Yeah idiots!" Archer called out.
"YOU ARE THE WORST OFFENDER OF THE LOT!" Mallory screamed. "AT LEAST WITH THE OTHERS I DON'T EXPECT AS MUCH! BUT YOU STERLING…YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT!"
"I am getting out of the line of fire. That woman couldn't be nice if someone paid her!" Ray grumbled as he left.
That got Cheryl to thinking. "Someone paying her huh?"
Then she got an idea. A very evil awful little idea.
Ten minutes later…
"What did you just say?" Mallory was stunned. Cheryl had walked into her office with a proposal.
"You heard me," Cheryl said. "If you are nice for a whole week, starting now. I will pay you one million dollars."
"One million dollars?" Mallory blinked. "That's million with an M?"
"That's right."
"And all I have to do is be nice to you idiots for a week?"
"That's right," Cheryl said. "You can't call us names like idiots or morons. You can't say anything racist, sexist, homophobic or elitist. You can't swear at us. You can't hit us or shoot us. Basically, you have to be the opposite of your nasty old self."
"Ha! Piece of cake!" Mallory snorted. "Oh Carol…"
"Cheryl…"
"Whatever," Mallory waved. "You forget that I was a master spy long before your parents were even born! You think I didn't have to be nice and pretend to like those Nazi pricks before I had to assassinate them? A week? Try two years' undercover sister! You are so on!"
"All right then," Cheryl shook Mallory's hand. "You have to be nice starting now!"
"This is going to be the easiest million I ever made," Mallory grinned. "After the time I blew a Nazi nitwit's brains out after he drove me to his apartment and thought he could impress me by opening his safe. He made an impression all right. All over his new rug!"
"Ah-hem…" Cheryl gave her a look.
"Nazis in general are evil! Don't count!" Mallory said quickly.
"Lucky for you," Cheryl said. "But you still have to be nice to Krieger."
"Yes, yes…"
"And everyone else that works here," Cheryl said. "And I mean everyone! Me, Ray, Mr. Archer…"
"I am aware of the definition of everyone," Mallory gave Cheryl a look.
"Lana," Cheryl added. "Krieger, Pam, Cyril..."
Milton zoomed in. "Milton…." Cheryl added.
"I have to be nice to the toaster?" Mallory blinked.
"And Mitsuko," Cheryl added.
"Fine," Mallory said. "Fine. I can do this. No problem."
To this Milton popped out some toast.
"This might be harder than I thought," Mallory groaned.
Not long after that Cheryl was having a meeting with the rest of the Figgis Agency in the breakroom.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Lana spoke up. "You made a million-dollar bet with Mallory that she has to be nice to us for an entire week?"
"Yup," Cheryl grinned.
"Mallory Archer being nice for a whole week?" Cyril blinked. "She gets one million dollars if she's nice to us for a whole week?"
"That's right," Cheryl grinned.
"And if Mother does lose her temper?" Archer asked.
"Then I'll pay everyone else's bar tab at Pita Margarita's," Cheryl grinned. "For the rest of the year."
"Oh I am so in!" Archer grinned. "I get to go first!" He ran over to his mother's office.
"You're stacking the deck, aren't you?" Lana sighed.
"Not like it's that hard," Cheryl snickered.
"She's got a point," Ray shrugged.
"And you're all okay with this?" Lana asked.
"How could we not be?" Pam asked.
"What do we have to lose?" Ray suggested.
"Besides our lives?" Cyril moaned.
"Krieger you have cameras set up in Mallory's office, right?" Lana asked.
"Yeah why?" Krieger asked.
"It might be safer if we watched from a distance," Lana groaned.
"Good call," Ray nodded.
Meanwhile in Mallory's office…
"Hello Mother!" Archer sauntered in.
"What is it Sterling?" Mallory sighed.
"What? Can't a loving son have a nice pleasant visit with his own mother?" Archer said in surprise.
"I suppose there are such things as miracles," Mallory sighed. "She told you, didn't she?"
"Who?" Archer asked innocently.
"Carol," Mallory gave him a look. "She told you that I made a bet that I have to be nice to you…"
"Ah, ah, ah…" Archer warned. "Temper, temper…"
"Wonderful people," Mallory quickly changed her tone.
"Well I think this is an opportunity for us," Archer sat down on the other side of her desk. "A chance for us to bond. And be honest with each other."
"All right…" Mallory said, preparing herself for what was to come.
"I'll start," Archer said. "Remember when I was nine and my teachers said I started that fire in the stables because I was smoking? And I swore to you I didn't?"
"You started the fire, didn't you?"
"Yeah I did," Archer nodded. "And I was smoking."
"That's all right Sterling," Mallory said brightly. "Not like I didn't suspect it in the first place. And honestly I really didn't like that school anyways so, no harm no foul."
"Really?" Archer was surprised. "Okay. Remember when I was eleven and we were visiting my cousin and she said I assaulted her Chatty Cathy doll? And I denied it?"
"But you did, didn't you?" Mallory sighed. "No problem. Your cousin was a little too old for dolls anyway. And I hate your aunt so…"
"Oh another thing," Archer said. "You remember Krenshaw the mole?"
"The one who was a KGB double agent and skimming accounts?" Mallory asked.
"Well he was a double agent for the KGB," Archer admitted. "That part is true. But he wasn't skimming from the accounts. I was. I just let everyone assume he was because it was easier than actually framing him."
"I see," Mallory said calmly.
"I mean he was a real KGB double agent," Archer went on. "Which you let into the agency. And he was going to kill me. And I was going to frame him anyway so…Win/Win!"
"Oh well," Mallory shrugged. "That was a long time ago. No harm. No foul. I mean he was KGB anyway…"
"Exactly," Archer nodded. "And remember Monte Carlo? I did gamble away the 401 K money. Had to steal it back from Benoit. Balls."
"Not like I didn't suspect it anyway," Mallory shrugged. "To be honest I was angrier at the others who gave away our office furniture and weapons like it was candy at Halloween. But that is in the past now."
"Really? Wow," Archer was impressed. "Oh remember Mrs. Bergamottin?"
"The woman I had a six-year friendship with?" Mallory asked. "Until she spilled wine on my Persian rug and stole my silverware."
"Yeah that was me," Archer said. "I spilled wine on the rug by accident. So I planted some of your silverware in her purse and lied about it to make my lie more believable. It worked, right?"
"It certainly did," Mallory said calmly. "So basically I called the police on her, seduced her husband and got kicked out of the garden club for nothing?"
"Pretty much yeah," Archer nodded. "I have another one…"
"Of course you do," Mallory let out a breath.
"I kind of stole your black titanium card," Archer said.
"I know you did," Mallory sighed.
"A lot," Archer said.
"I know…" Mallory said sweetly. "But I forgive you. It's a mother's job to forgive."
"Like that weekend in Maui," Archer added.
"Well I for…" Mallory did a double take. "Maui? Wait…That was you? But I thought…"
"No, you passed out in your room after the flight," Archer said. "Apparently, you took one cocktail-Vicodin combo too many and slept through the whole weekend."
"Hang on…" Mallory held up her hand. "You couldn't have put everything on my charge card. I distinctly remember waking up and finding eleven chinchilla fur coats sprawled all over the room."
"Oh I bought those on purpose so you would think you bought them," Archer explained. "To cover my tracks."
"Oh."
"And I deliberately bought them one size too small," Archer said. "Then changed the labels to your normal size so you would think you were getting fat."
"I see…" Mallory said carefully.
"I just remembered something else," Archer said. "You know that one CIA assignment where we were supposed to assassinate Crash McCarren? There's a slight chance he could still be alive. Then again I did cause the avalanche and shot him so…"
"Well there's always a chance…" Mallory sighed.
"Another thing…"
"Another thing?" Mallory asked in disbelief. "Don't you think you might want to pace yourself a little?"
"That's true," Archer said. "I do have all week."
"You do," Mallory said too sweetly. "But you are my son."
"And…?" Archer prompted.
"And…?" Mallory was confused.
"You…" Archer prompted.
"I…?" Mallory was still confused.
"Do you want me to write it down?" Archer asked.
"Please," Mallory groaned.
Archer took out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote it down. He handed it to his mother. Mallory did a double take. "Seriously?" She asked.
"It would be such a nice thing to say," Archer grinned.
"All right," Mallory braced herself, summoning up her acting talent. "Sterling I love you. You are a wonderful son who is perfect in every way and…And is as good a spy as I was. Maybe even better?"
"See?" Archer grinned. "Was that so hard?"
Mallory poured herself a drink and knocked it down. "Should have done that before I read the note."
"What was that?" Archer asked.
"I mean…" Mallory steeled herself. "I…love you?"
"Love you too, Mother!" Archer grinned. "Good talk!" He walked out whistling.
To this Mallory groaned and poured herself another drink. Then drank it in one shot.
"This is definitely going to be harder than I thought," Mallory groaned.
Meanwhile in Cyril's office…
"Cheryl this is definitely going to be harder than you thought," Ray said. Everyone was watching the feed in Cyril's office.
"That was just only the first volley," Cheryl waved. "To soften her up."
"Didn't look soft to me," Cyril said.
"Looked like the freaking Great Wall of Archer," Pam agreed. "You know if she figures this out she's gonna go ape shit on us. Like Queen Kong on the rag!"
"That's why we're watching it from here," Lana explained.
"You are recording this right?" Archer asked as he walked into Cyril's office.
"Oh yes," Krieger nodded.
"Okay I gotta get in on this," Cyril smirked and took some papers. "My turn!" He went out.
"This is going to do it," Lana grinned.
"Oh please!" Archer snapped. "If she didn't go off on me, you really think she'll go off on Cyril? And even as I said that. Literally as the words were coming out of my mouth…"
Back to Mallory's office…
"Hey Ms. Archer," Cyril knocked on Mallory's open door. "How are you feeling today?"
"Like a diaper after a baby has finished using it," Mallory grumbled. "What do you…I mean…What can I do for you, Cyril?"
"Oh so many things," Cyril had a huge grin on his face. "I just thought that as the head of this agency…The Figgis Agency. And you as my employee…of the Figgis Agency. We'd have a nice long chat."
"You talked to Carol, didn't you?" Mallory sighed.
"She talked to all of us," Cyril grinned.
"Oh…Goody," Mallory let out a breath. "What did she promise you if I lost?"
"That she would pay off all our bar tabs at Pita Margarita's for a year."
"Wow," Mallory blinked. "No wonder Sterling ran in here like a bat out of hell."
"Excuse me?" Cyril asked.
"I mean," Mallory put on a brave face. "A nice chat with you would be swell."
"Oh good!" Cyril sat down across from her. "I'd like to know how I'm doing. As head of my agency I welcome feedback from my employees."
To her credit Mallory didn't crack. "That would be very productive."
"So…?" Cyril prompted.
"So what?"
"So…How am I doing?" Cyril asked.
"Not…terrible," Mallory admitted. "I can honestly say that your tenure as part of this agency…"
"Head of this agency," Cyril corrected.
"Head of this agency," Mallory let out a breath but persevered. "Is going along…pretty much as I expected."
"Which is?"
"Cyril can you just write down what you want me to say?" Mallory admitted. "Save us all a lot of time."
"Oh. Okay," Cyril picked up a pen and wrote a few things down. "Here you go."
Mallory looked at the list. "Seriously?"
"Uh huh," Cyril nodded.
"Fine," Mallory took a breath. Then smiled as she read. "Cyril as head of the Figgis Agency you are doing an excellent job. As head of the Figgis Agency. Your managing of the Figgis Agency is impeccable. I'm…proud of you. As I have mentored you in some small way so you could grow…into becoming the head of the Figgis Agency."
Back in Cyril's office…
"Wow," Archer said. "He's really milking this, isn't he?"
"Like Dad back at the Dairy Farm," Pam said. "Seriously. Even after we got milking machines Dad insisted on milking some cows himself every day. Said it was strangely erotic."
"Ewwww!" Ray, Archer, Cheryl and Lana winced.
"TMI honey," Ray groaned. "T. M. I!"
"It is isn't it?" Krieger added.
"EWWWW!" Archer, Lana, Ray and Cheryl winced.
"What part of TMI do you not understand?" Ray barked.
"All of it?" Krieger blinked.
Back in Mallory's office…
Mallory went on. "Also I am glad that you are in charge of this agency instead of my son. Who let's face it would run this place into the ground."
She paused for a moment. "Okay that last part was not as hard to say," Mallory admitted.
Back in Cyril's office…
"HEY!" Archer barked.
"Burn," Ray snickered.
Back in Mallory's office…
"To be fair Cyril I was expecting worse," Mallory told him.
"Well you have to be nice to all of us so I figured I couldn't really let you bash your own son that much," Cyril shrugged.
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT!" Archer shouted from the other room.
"So I'll let you get back to…" Cyril shrugged. "Whatever it is you were doing. This was a nice chat. The first of many this week."
"Looking forward to it," Mallory said brightly.
"Good!" Cyril grinned as he got up. "As head of the Figgis Agency I'd like to keep an open door with all my employees."
"That's a…" Mallory controlled her temper. "Good policy. A good, good policy."
"It is isn't it?" Cyril grinned. "Ta!" He walked away.
"Damn," Mallory poured herself another drink. "This is going to be a long week." She took another drink. "One million dollars, Mallory. One million dollars…"
"How's it going?" Cheryl poked her head in with a huge smile.
"Fine!" Mallory said brightly. "Fine. All sunshine and rainbows!"
"Are you being nice?" Cheryl asked as she walked in.
"As a cuddly little bunny," Mallory grinned.
"That's good," Cheryl said. "It's especially nice to see you being nice to Cyril."
"It is?" Mallory blinked. "Why?"
"Well it shows you're over your jealously of him."
"Why would I be jealous of Cyril?" Mallory asked.
"Because he's doing so well now," Cheryl said. "And you…Aren't."
"Could you explain that please, dear?" Mallory said in a sweet voice that underlined the fact that she wanted to murder Cheryl right there.
Back in Cyril's office…
"Yeah explain that," Archer folded his arms as he watched the television. "Because you lost me."
"Me too," Lana blinked.
"It's plausible!" Cyril snapped.
"Not really," Pam remarked.
Back to Mallory's office.
"Think about it," Cheryl said. "Your career as a spy is over. Washed up. Gone. You're basically persona non-grata and a laughingstock. And while Cyril is a laughingstock at least he has a chance at running a successful agency."
Back in Cyril's office…
"HEY!" Cyril snapped.
"Burn," Ray and Archer said at the same time.
"Jinx!" Ray said to Archer. "You owe me a coke!"
"We have cocaine?" Pam's ears perked up.
Everyone looked at her. "No?" Pam asked.
Back in Mallory's office.
"I mean think about it," Cheryl went on, oblivious to the murderous look Mallory was giving her. "Your fifty something career as a spy is not only over, it ended in the most humiliating, disgraceful way possible. As far as your past contacts are concerned, your name is Mud. With a capital M!"
"And your point in saying all this, dear?" Mallory said sweetly, although she held onto a pencil like she wanted to use it to stab Cheryl with it.
"To drive you crazy so you'd lose the bet," Cheryl said. "Duh!"
"Of course," Mallory dropped the pencil casually. "Well Cheryl I'd like to thank you for your time. But I'm sure you must be very, very busy."
"Oh no," Cheryl grinned. "I have the entire day free. You know? Because there's nothing else to do. Since we have no clients. And this whole detective thing is turning out to be as big a failure as your spy agency."
Mallory then cocked her ears. "Did I just hear the sound of a glue bottle opening?"
"MINE!" Cheryl screamed as she ran out.
"A very long week…" Mallory groaned as she poured herself some more Scotch and drank it.
Milton then zoomed into her office. Popped some toast and then zoomed out.
"I'm going to need some help with this," Mallory dug into her purse. She pulled out a handkerchief and some papers and left them on the desk. Then took out a small container, opened it and swallowed a couple of pills. Then washed it down with more Scotch.
"There!" She sighed. "That should take the edge off."
"Hello!" Krieger poked his head in.
"And not soon enough," Mallory groaned. "What do you want?"
"Uhhh…" Krieger began. "Can I take a picture of you?"
Mallory clearly was not expecting this. "Of me? Why?"
"No reason," Krieger said. "I just realized I don't really have a good updated picture of your face."
"Oh," Mallory was surprised. "You want a picture of me? That's…actually nice. Sterling never takes pictures of me. Is this for your wallet or something?"
"Or something, yes," Krieger nodded. "Just want an up to date picture. So, if you don't mind…" He took out his cell phone.
"Oh well of course," Mallory posed.
"You don't have to smile," Krieger said. "Just your regular scowl will do. Yes! Like that! Great! Wonderful! Perfect! Just one more tiny thing…"
Krieger took out some phrenology calipers and quickly measured Mallory's head. "Thank you!" Krieger beamed.
"What was that for?" Mallory blinked.
"Nothing," Krieger said. "Just some research."
"Research?" Mallory began to half bark. "What kind of research you…intelligent man you?"
"Uhhhhh…." Krieger stalled. "SMOKE BOMB!" He threw an imaginary smoke bomb and ran off.
Mallory groaned. "I don't even want to know. I don't want to know."
"BANZAI!" Mitsuko flew through the wall and around the room. "WHEEE!" She then flew out of the room.
"A week of this?" Mallory groaned. "I should have held out for two million."
She then heard someone coming to her office. "Oh God," Mallory muttered under her breath. "What plague are you sending me now?"
"Hell-oooooooooooo!" Ray sauntered in pushing a cart with food on it. He was wearing a frilly pink apron over his clothes.
Mallory looked upwards. "Good one."
"Tea time!" Ray twittered.
"Oh…Goody," Mallory held her tongue. "Are you here to torture me too?"
"No," Ray said. "No, no. I'm not going to insult you. That would be wrong. In fact I applaud that you're trying to be nice. So I figured you deserve a treat. I even made you a special blend of tea from a new tea company. Gay's Head Tea."
Mallory's eye started to twitch. "Really? How nice?"
"It's based out of Vermont," Ray told her. Mallory's eye twitched again. "Although the company is owned by people from Martha's Vineyard. Rob Rinsington-Smythe and his partner Julian Heffledink."
Again, Mallory's eye twitched. "Sounds fascinating."
"I even got you some tasty treats to nibble on. I brought fairy cakes!" Ray said brightly as he started to set up the drinks.
As soon as his back was turned, Mallory grabbed her handkerchief and stuffed it into her mouth, choking back with rage.
Back in Cyril's office…
"Oh he's good," Archer admitted as they watched.
"He really is," Cyril agreed.
"Look at her face changing color," Pam said. "Kind of like trees in the fall."
"The bile in her body must be building up," Cheryl said. "Like pressure in a volcano."
Cheryl looked around. "Speaking of which are you sure there's no glue in here?"
"How is no glue like pressure in a volcano?" Archer asked.
"It isn't," Cheryl shrugged. "I just want glue. I was promised glue. Someone promised me glue."
"Cheryl honey," Lana sighed. "You might want to consider tapering off for a while. Give your brain cell a chance to recover."
"Yeah you don't want to kill the last one off like the dodos," Pam agreed.
"How did you know about the dodos?" Krieger blinked. "I know none of them escaped from my lab."
"I didn't," Pam sighed. "And honestly I don't want to know!"
Back in Mallory's office, Mallory had removed the handkerchief from her mouth before Ray noticed. "Isn't this nice?" Ray said.
"Yes…Very…" Mallory was struggling to be civil.
"Are you all right?" Ray asked. "You look flushed."
"Never better. What are you doing?" Mallory asked as Ray got up and looked at her head.
"Checking to see if your ears are bleeding," Ray told her.
"Oh for crying out…" Mallory rolled her eyes. "Are they?"
"Not yet," Ray said. "Turning an interesting shade of purple but not yet. It is a lovely color on you I admit. You should wear more of it."
"You should know…" Mallory grumbled. Ray gave her a look. "Because you have such a lovely taste in fashion."
"Why thank you," Ray said sweetly. "You know you really should take better care of yourself. A woman your age could suffer from diseases like osteoporosis if you don't eat enough calcium."
"I had a Brandy Alexander for dessert last night," Mallory said. "What more can I do?"
"You might want to consider supplements," Ray remarked.
"I take…things," Mallory said. "You know I think I should take something now…"
"I'll leave you be," Ray got up. "Let you rest. Take a nap."
"I will definitely take something," Mallory remarked.
"Okay," Ray said. "Good bye."
"Good bye," Mallory replied.
"Sleep tight," Ray added. "Don't let the bed bugs bite."
"I won't," Mallory smiled.
"But if they do," Ray added. "Hit them with a shoe. And they'll be black and blue…"
"They won't be the only ones…" Mallory grumbled under her breath.
"What was that?" Ray asked.
"I said toodle-loo!" Mallory covered.
"Okay…" Ray then left.
"God I am going to be sore tomorrow," Mallory groaned. "And not in the good way!"
She was about to pour another bottle when she stopped. "Oh what the hell?" She then drank directly from the bottle. Then she opened another one and started drinking from that.
Back in Cyril's office…
"She almost cracked," Cheryl said to Ray as he walked into the room.
"Gotta admit," Archer shrugged. "You came closer than I did."
"Well she really hates me," Ray shrugged as he took off the pink apron. "Plus I believe in killing people with kindness. That really ticks them off."
"Speaking of which Krieger…" Archer looked at Krieger. "Did you get…?"
"Yup," Krieger nodded.
"Get what?" Cyril asked.
"Some insurance when Mother finally blows her top," Archer said.
"It's a precaution we thought we should take," Lana said.
"My turn!" Pam grinned as she got up.
Back in Mallory's office….
"I don't know how much more of this I can take," Mallory grumbled. She downed another pill and another shot of Scotch. "Just hold it together Mallory. Think of the million dollars…Nothing is going to stop you from getting a million dollars…Nothing."
"Hey there Mrs. A!" Pam walked in. "How's…"
SMASH!
Mallory threw the bottle at Pam's head, barely missing it. "AAAAAHHH!"
"I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING YET!" Pam shouted.
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO!" Mallory screamed. "I KNOW YOU'RE THE WORST OF THE LOT! JUST LIKE I KNOW THAT HELL CAN'T BE HALF AS BAD AS LISTENING TO YOU!"
To that she threw another empty bottle and missed Pam. It hit the wall. "HOW THE HELL DID I MISS?" Mallory screamed. "YOU'RE BIGGER THAN A DAMN WALL!"
Back in Cyril's office…
"Wow," Lana blinked. "She didn't even make it to lunch."
"I guess Pam wins the game," Ray blinked. "Pretty obvious actually if you think about it…"
"YOU MORONS ARE GOING TO GET IT NOW!" Mallory screamed. "I AM GOING TO RIP ALL OF YOU NEW ASSHOLES, YOU ASSHOLES!"
"That cuddly bunny just turned into a rabid wolverine," Ray winced.
"Uh time to get out that insurance…" Lana gulped.
"Yup," Krieger nodded. "Cyril could you and Cheryl stall Ms. Archer for a moment? Thank you!"
"What?" Cyril shouted as Archer, Lana, Ray and Krieger ran out of the room. "HEY!"
"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled. "I knew she couldn't do it!"
BANG! BANG!
"Did you know she could probably commit murder?" Cyril shouted as bullets were heard.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "Don't worry. She usually misses."
"AAAAHHHH!" Pam ran for her life.
"See?" Cheryl pointed.
"YOU!" Mallory stormed in waving her gun.
"I take it that you've forfeited your million dollars?" Cheryl laughed.
"No amount of money is worth listening to your insane prattle!" Mallory snarled. "You glue sniffing brain dead bimbo!"
"AND YOU!" Mallory snarled at Cyril as she pointed her gun at him. "MR. I NEED CONSTANT VALIDATION THAT MY LIFE ISN'T A COMPLETE FAILURE EVEN THOUGH IT IS! GOD! CAN YOU BE ANY MORE OF A WISHY-WASHY WIMP?"
"Okay Ms. Archer…?" Cyril gulped. "I understand that you're upset."
"Figured it out didn't you Sherlock?" Mallory said sarcastically as she still held her gun at him.
"Ms. Archer, please…Shooting me won't solve anything," Cyril gulped. "Shoot Cheryl. It was all her idea."
"Yeah shoot…. Wait a minute," Cheryl blinked. "HEY!"
"Oh don't worry," Mallory sneered. "There are plenty of bullets to…"
THUNK!
"What the…?" Mallory pulled a dart out of her neck. "Seriously?" She turned around.
She saw Archer, Lana, Ray, Pam and Krieger pointing tranquilizer guns at her. And they fired at her immediately.
THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
"Huh…" Mallory blinked as several darts were all over her body. She then passed out on the floor.
"Told you it would take more than one shot to put her down," Ray said.
"Fine," Krieger groaned. "I owe you a coke."
"Still not talking about cocaine huh?" Pam sighed.
"Shooting my mother," Archer smirked. "Can this day get any better?"
"No, because when your mother wakes up she's going to kill us all!" Cyril groaned.
"She won't. Remember those tranquilizer darts the CIA had that made people forget stuff?" Krieger said.
"I'm amazed you remember them," Archer said. "The way you got shot with them every five seconds like a deranged escaped chimpanzee from the zoo."
"Oh I saw the video playback so…" Krieger waved. "Any-Who. I got the formula and improved it a little. Ms. Archer won't remember a thing anyone said to her this morning."
"Are you she won't remember anything we said?" Cyril asked in a worried tone.
"Are you kidding?" Pam snorted. "Between Krieger's tranqs, all that hooch she washed down and whatever those pills she took are, I'd be amazed if she remembered us period when she wakes up!"
"Well you guys are pretty unforgettable," Lana sighed. "And I don't mean that in a good way."
"Speaking of not forgetting," Archer grinned. "It's off to Pita Margarita's!"
"Yeah it was worth lying to you and saying that I would pay off your tab," Cheryl laughed.
"You lied to us?" Archer gave her a look. "But we had a deal!"
"It wasn't notarized so…" Cheryl snorted.
"You lying little…" Archer growled.
"Allow me," Pam said. She then shot Cheryl twice with the tranquilizer darts.
"Ooh! That's the stuff!" Cheryl giggled and she fell down on the floor.
"Let me guess," Lana sighed. "You're going to steal Cheryl's credit card and pay off your tabs with it aren't you?"
"Duh!" Archer snorted. "Not like she won't remember or notice anyway."
Cyril sighed. "So this is another thing on the ever-increasing list of things we can never talk about, isn't it?"
"Pretty much yes," Ray shrugged. "At this rate we're going to need a list to keep track of the list."