I own nothing, I get nothing for writing this but the satisfaction that I've written it. One-shot, I think. I MIGHT do one from Bella's side but I doubt it. My take on why Jasper avoids Bella, and it's not for the reason everyone thinks.
My relationship with Alice has never been simple, never been easy. She came into my life and gave me the light of hope when I knew only darkness. She said we would love one another, and we do, did. But it has never been simple. I never had that slow, almost unperceivable falling with her, no, with My Alice it was "We're meant to be." There was no choice, no fall, no nothing. But I do love her.
And while it's a little crass to discuss there has never been much… passionate fire for one another that Carlisle and Esme, and Rose and Emmett have. We rarely had sex, usually to consummate our weddings, no other reasons. Our love was one of… comfort. We loved one another, were compassionate, shared things, were the closest of friends. We shared intellectual pursuits, and allowed the other to indulge in their own private pursuits (her fashion, my art).
I wouldn't give her up for anything, until that one day, that one moment in time that I wish with all my might I could have gone my entire existence without. The day I realized I'd fallen in love with the one woman above all others who, even if I were unattached, I could never have. Bella Swan.
I didn't mean to, I couldn't stop myself, I hadn't even realized until it was too late. But one evening, in Phoenix, while Alice was out getting food for Bella, my world changed. I'd been noticing her emotions affecting me more than most, especially her thinly veiled lust she often felt for Edward. And his lust for her… often it consumed me. But I had assumed it had to do with the magnitude of their emotions.
As Bella walked from the bathroom, wearing only a towel, I realized my mistake. The sight of her pale skin glistening as water trailed down her body, her hair plastered to her back and shoulders, the swell of her breasts under her towel… It ignited in me a desire I hadn't felt before, ever, in my very long life.
I was instantly hard, instantly aching, quivering for her. I wanted her under me, writhing and whimpering… I wanted to see her face as she came, with my name of her lips.
But that physical desire wasn't the worst of it, even knowing that the feelings were mine alone. That it hadn't been Edward's lust for her making my life miserable, it had been my own, sparked by his and magnifying it a hundred fold. No the worst of it was the desires that her emotions sparked in me.
She hadn't noticed me because she was lost in her own head, her own feelings. Her heart ached with pain. She felt worthless, miserable, and petrified. And I wanted nothing more than to pull her into my arms and soothe those feelings. I wanted to tell her she was worth all this and much more, wanted to tell her than she would never be hurt, because we… I loved her and would protect her to the end of my existence.
But I dared not move, dared not even draw a breath to speak. Because if the clean sweet scent of her reached my brain I'd be done in. I'd give in to the desires- all of them- and I'd go to her. I'd tell her not to be upset, not to be scared or to feel worthless. I'd promise to protect her, and then I'd show her how not worthless she was by throwing away everything I held dear by kissing her.
And I'd put everything into that one kiss, and hope that she'd reciprocate the feelings. That her burning hot lips would move against mine in response, as opposed to pushing me away in fear and revulsion.
Happily she walked right past me and into her room, closeing the door behind her. I was able to prevent myself from doing anything stupid until Alice returned. And the sight of her beautiful face gave me some ability to refrain.
From that moment I swore I would never be alone with Bella Swan again. Because if I were… I would destroy everything I held dear for just one touch of her lips against my own.
Because I loved Alice, love her still. But I burn with an all-consuming, unending, love for the silly little human girl. All because I didn't notice my slow fall and find some way to stop myself. And if I had known how it would have ended, how it would feel… I don't think I would have stopped myself. Because this fire… it was the best feeling I'd ever felt.