Characters: Rangiku, Gin (in spirit)
Summary: How do you breathe if your heart is still? How do you live if your soul is sleeping? It would be easier if she had an answer. .: Gin x Rangiku :.
Pairings: GinRan
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for Soul Society and Deicide arcs
Timeline: Post-Deicide arc
Author's Note: Just can't stay away. Feedback, as always, would be nice.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
The body's withdrawal from the sudden absence of a sexual partner isn't always pretty, as Rangiku is finding out in cold sweats and long, stark, sleepless nights. Darkness is the enemy now, along with pale moonlight that, as everything does, reminds her starkly of Gin.
Beforehand, she had at least been beginning to get over it. Get over everything. Still hopelessly in love in love with him, of course, but beginning to convince herself that she might, eventually, be able to get over him and be able to do her job properly, in time.
It was easier, when Rangiku still entertained the thought that one day she at least know why.
That she would know why Gin chose to side with Aizen.
That she would know why Soul Society wasn't good enough.
That she would know everything.
That she would know if he ever really gave a damn about her at all, or if that had been an act too. Rangiku wanted more than anything to know if everything he had ever told her had just been a lie, if she had really been that gullible.
Everything was easier, even if it still hurt, when she cherished the hope that she wouldn't have to stare up at the ceiling every long night and wonder why.
And, damn it all, it hurts now, makes her clutch at her heart to stop it skipping out of beat in a prelude of tears, hurts far more knowing that she'll never know.
It hurts when Rangiku finds herself fighting back the urge to weep at random moments, and barely knows why despite knowing exactly why hot tears are burning and scalding at her eyes and why her heart is pounding it's getting harder and harder to breathe.
It hurts when no one seems to realize why she's drinking more these days and why she doesn't smile as much as she used to.
It hurts when no one else ever stops to wonder why. Rangiku's not sure if Gin ever really deserved forgiveness, but no one's who's ever been given forgiveness really deserved it. Gin was no different. Rangiku is no different. She's never been able to make the choice, of whether to labor under the weight of her hurt or to come beyond and look at everything in detachment. Limbo is Hell.
The worst part is realizing, at the end, that he really did love her. That was more than little Hinamori could ever hope for with Aizen, and made it even worse to endure, day after day, looking at Hinamori's huge, blank eyes, hollow and dull as mud.
At the last, Rangiku could finally see the truth. See it when he forced himself to open his eyes, even if he could only lift the lids for a second before they fell again. See it when Gin managed to smile a little, for her, just for her.
Sometimes, truth really does hurt more than all the lies. Peel away the skins and layers and scales of all the lies Gin's ever told, and Rangiku finds beneath all that she wanted to see and everything she never wanted to hear. Not from him. Never from him. Only from him.
Why does everything have to end up like this?
The darkness sparkles and scintillates to wet eyes, but other than that Rangiku is calm as death. Her heart is still, her soul, sleeping. Now if only she could do the same, but sleep is the enemy and dreams the worst sort of torture. Not that her dreams offer up anything that she couldn't remember in the daytime, too, but at night it's the worst, when there's no excuses to offer the silence and all she can hear is the beating of her own heart.
Gin has proved his cruelty by dying without ever telling her why. It's impossible to ask questions of a dead man, and it's useless to rail in anger against all the ways he betrayed her. And somehow, she remains irrevocably in love with him.
Now, only one question remains, one to trump all the rest, one Rangiku can't ever ask anyone else.
How does she start her dead heart beating again and remember to breathe at the same time?
And does she really want to?