Sirius feels like he has spent his entire life watching Remus Lupin. It is always with a modicum of surprise that he remembers he has only known him for five years. Even so, he thinks, watching someone for five years is probably borderline something, but really, it's not his fault.
Like right now for instance, Sirius thinks, how could you not watch him?
Remus sits, alert and straight-backed as Professor Binns drones on and on about the Giant Wars. He is in fact, the only student in the room who is not battling with unconsciousness (Peter lost the battle long ago and is slumped on his desk with his mouth open). Remus is scribbling furiously on his parchment, eyes flickering between the front of the classroom and his notes. He leans forward until his nose is touching the parchment, the epitome of concentration, and Sirius realises with glee that his nose has a smudge of ink on it.
When the class is finally over, (Peter had fallen into a deep sleep and had to be kicked awake) Sirius makes sure that he is slow to leave, taking time to pack away his things. James and Peter have already left, stumbling over each other to be the first out of the stuffy, cramped class room, each of them shouting something about sausage rolls (it's lunchtime).
But Sirius waits (not a small feat, he loves sausage rolls) because Remus has ink on his nose and that, more than anything is worth missing lunch for.
Remus stands to gather his things, pulling his long sleeves over his fingers and adjusting his bag on his shoulder. When he turns (Sirius nearly dies because he has ink on his nose and he is unbearably adorable) he pauses in surprise.
'Isn't it sausage roll day?' Remus asks, puzzled. He's not wrong, it is sausage roll day, the actual best day of the week, and Sirius is usually out of class before anyone can stand up but not today because Remus has ink on his noseand Sirius feels ill and slightly lightheaded because he has spent the last hour and a half, no the last five years of his life, watching Remus Lupin.
'Sirius?'
Sirius realises they are still in the classroom so he takes the initiative and struts out of the room, head held high because he's not having palpitations about the adorableness of another boy and strutting seems to be the best way to prove it.
Out in the corridor Remus is rubbing at his nose, hair hanging in his face, bag falling off his shoulder and Sirius thinks, he is such a mess as he reaches up to wipe Remus' nose with his sleeve. Remus pauses, he's looking at Sirius like he's the one that has a big ink smudge on his face, ridiculous boy.
'You had ink on your nose' Sirius says as way of explanation and now, oh lord, they are standing much too close for this to be normal and Remus is such a mess and so stupidly adorable and Sirius is so tired of watching and not doing anything that he leans forward just a little bit.
And then it hits him that they're still in the corridor and anyone could come round the corner at any moment and see him standing much too close to Remus, and besides, Remus isn't doing anything, he's just staring at him like he's never seen him before. And so Sirius turns, doesn't run, as such, but walks very quickly away from Remus and tries not to think about what his face looks like up close and what might have happened if he had stayed.
—-
It is after dinner, and Sirius is sitting in the common room with James and Peter, who are in varying stages of panic about the Potions essay that is due in the morning that neither of them has started (miraculously, Sirius has finished his, Remus dragged him to the library last week so he could drool over some dusty books and Sirius was so bored that he actually did his essay. Well. Copied Remus', but still, at least he has it done).
'How can I stay calm James, he's going to murder me! No actually, he'll hex my trousers off in front of the whole school then hang me somewhere by my underwear just to scare other people into doing their homework! I'm done for!' Peter's face is quite red and looks like he might have some sort of breakdown. Sirius thinks he should probably point out that while Professor Slughorn doesn't particularly like Peter (or Remus for that matter, Remus is abysmal at potions) it was unlikely that he would care about one little essay enough to publicly humiliate Peter, but at that moment Remus appears and Sirius loses his train of thought completely.
Remus sits in the chair opposite him (his favourite chair, many nights Sirius has found Remus asleep there, book lying on the ground, snoring softly) and smiles at him, softly, and quickly. Then he is attacked by James who grabs his bag off him ('Moony I will give you all the money I have if you let me see your potions essay, there's a good chap') and Peter who thrusts his half-done essays into his face ('Remus please read this and tell me it's not utterly shit, oh bollocks I don't care as long as it's done'). As usual, Remus accepts this behavior with a long-suffering sigh, like he's a weary father of two overactive children. He peeks out under his hair at Sirius with an odd, almost sheepish smile. Sirius is smiling back almost instinctively, so glad that Remus isn't weirded out by what could have happened earlier.
'Alright Moony?' Sirius asks.
Remus glances at James and Peter, who are fighting over his potions essay, grin widening even further.
'Can't complain.'
The evening continues without much excitement, James spends the whole time pretending not to stare at Lily Evans, who in turn pretends not to notice. Peter, in a fit of frustration throws his essay into the fire and ends up copying Remus'.
Remus is curled up in his chair reading some old muggle book that Sirius probably hasn't heard of. His face is glowing in the soft firelight, his long eyelashes brushing his cheek. His head is resting against the back of the chair; his legs curled up and book resting on his knees. His feet are bare, dangling over the edge of the chair, pale and thin and covered in scars. Remus' trousers are pushed up slightly and Sirius looks at his legs, which are much too skinny and pale for a boy of sixteen.
He puts his book on the arm of his chair, and rubs his eyes, yawning widely. Resting his head on his knees he looks at Sirius and his face is so kind, so gentle that Sirius thinks he might stop breathing because he has spent all this time watching this boy and he's realising that it's more than just friendly interest because this boy is clever and good and talks about books like they have feelings and watches his and James play Quidditch even though he hates it and sits with Sirius when he gets a scathing letter from his mother and knows when to be quiet and just sit with him and slides into his bed in the middle of the night because sometimes life is really fucking hard and just being near someone who cares about you is enough. Who rips himself apart every month but picks himself up and says 'no really, I'm fine Sirius' and won't let anyone worry about him and is so endearingly lovely that it hurts Sirius' heart.
Sirius gets up and leaves the common room because if he sits there and thinks about Remus any longer he will either cry or throw up in front of everyone.
He has only been walking for a few minutes when he hears the footsteps behind him, knowing that Remus is being loud on purpose, to let him knows he's there, because Remus can be completely silent when he wants to be. So Sirius stops when he comes to a little alcove and sits, trying to slow his heart down.
When Remus sits down beside him Sirius doesn't look at him because he can't. Remus isn't looking at him either. Sirius waits.
'Are you going to tell me why you're acting so weird? James reckons you must be ill if you're willing to miss sausage roll day.'
Sirius opens his mouth to reply but then he looks at him and he's spent so long watching this boy, he knows all of his little habits and he loves all of them, almost feels like they're part of him. He has spent so long watching this boy that he is tired of watching and that's why he leans in close, so close to Remus that he can see all of the tiny freckles on his face under the glow of the half-moon in the sky above them.
Sirius pauses, Remus is staring at him, not with surprise or fear or anger but with this look in his eyes that makes Sirius' heart melt and when they kiss he thinks that he wants to do this every day because Remus Lupin is a boy that deserves to be kissed every day of his life, even if he doesn't realise it.
They rest their heads against each other, their hands entwined. Remus' eyes are still closed but Sirius' are open, drinking in the way Remus looks in this moment and committing every detail to memory. Bringing his hand up to touch his face softly, he thinks, Remus Lupin, I could look at you forever.