Dick sat on the floor of his bedroom in Mount justice quietly banging his head back against the wall trying not to cry or scream. It was about five in the morning and he knew he needed to get up get ready for training soon but he couldn't bring himself to get up from the position he had been sitting in for almost three hours, ever since he had woken up from his nightmare.
Today was April first, the anniversary of his parents' deaths fifteen years ago. He used to have nightmares around this time for so many years when he was still Robin but he hadn't in almost two years and wondered absently why it had resurfaced again. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall that he had been beating it against, unsurprisingly a dull headache pulsed in his skull. He really needed to get up and get ready for training it was already coming up on five fifteen and training started at six.
Five twenty rolled around, he needed to get up and get ready but he couldn't force his body to move. Scenes from the dream played over in his head making him want to scream.
Five twenty-seven, he looked at the clock and pushed himself to his feet with a great emotional struggle
Your mom would just be waking you up to start practising on the tightrope. The circus would be packed today with tourists and visitors just trying to get a little bit of fun left in the weekend before Monday morning.
The thought hit him like a semi-truck full of bricks and just as quickly as he had resolved to het up his legs gave out under him and he sunk to the floor quietly choking back a sob. Five thirty struck and his alarm started playing on his phone. It was his backup alarm that almost never went off cause he was almost always up early. He forced himself to crawl over to the dresser where his phone was and shut off the alarm before calling one of the only four saved numbers on his phone. It only rang for a second before Diana picked it up "Hey Dick is everything okay?" She asked softly knowing what day it was and already willing to say yes to almost any request he would ask of her.
He stayed silent for a moment afraid his voice would crack "I-I know its last minute but can …. Can you take over morning training" He stuttered out the request still choking back tears. He could hear Diana sigh sadly on the other end of the phone
"Of course, take care of yourself… What do you want me to tell them"
"Tell them," He thought a second "Tell them that I was out patrolling super late" He hung up without waiting for a response feeling slightly bad about it. He just laid down on the floor where he was feeling like he didn't have enough strength to get back up. He just laid there looking at his ceiling for two hours, his phone rang it was Bruce he didn't answer it. He was sure Diana had called Bruce and told him that Dick was having a bad day. His phone rang again and then a third time, he was sure it was Bruce again but he didn't check at all.
At around ten he peeled himself off the floor and turned on music in Romani while he turned the hottest water possible and dragged himself into the shower. He just sat under the scalding heat till it went cold and he was forced out to get dressed. It was nearing noon when he actually made it out of his room for the first time that morning. He was dressed in civilian clothes, Black Jeans, sneakers, a black designless T-shirt and his black sunglasses. His hair was dishevelled and he had made no motion to comb or fix it this morning. "Good afternoon" It was Aqualad who addressed him, he just made a small acknowledged grunt and poured himself some juice.
A large amount of the team was sitting in the kitchen eating and they all went quiet when he entered, he wishes they hadn't because everyone going quiet meant that no matter the lie that had been told to them they could tell something wasn't right. "Um…Nightwing I made some food if you want some" It was M'gann who looked hesitantly and uncomfortable, the whole original team knew his identity and knew what this day was to him but few of them had ever actually seen him in one of his moods that often accompanied it. "I have places to be," He said roughly trying not to sound too harsh but even the idea of food made his stomach do backflips "I'll be on radio silence most the day." He took a small sip from his orange juice and turned around walking to the Zeta tubes and leaving.
Despite the ridiculous amounts of money he had donated to keep this place up over the years it was still falling apart in ways. The sign was faded and the stones he wanted were completely at the back of the cemetery in an area that was somewhat secluded by trees; the stones were faded in time. Fifteen years, it had been fifteen years since he had watched them fall, fifteen years since he had heard the cheers of the circus or the voices of his parents. He couldn't admit to himself that he was forgetting what those things had sounded like. A soon as he was in as private a spot he could get out here in the middle of the day he collapsed onto his knees in front of the two stones. All the tears he had been holding back since the nightmare suddenly broke with an intensity that shook his whole body and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed sitting on his knees long past the point where the lower points of his legs were painfully asleep.
"I'm sorry" Je whispered not really sure what he was apologizing for, maybe for slowly forgetting his parents' voices, maybe for not visiting them the previous year, but more likely he was apologizing for surviving. "I'm sorry" It was all he could think to say to them any more, he felt tired and broken and just so small. "I'm sorry" Anger rose in his chest, he tore his sunglasses off his face throwing them into a tree where they shattered into a million pieces. His whole body was shaking in grief and adrenaline. He wanted to say anything else but his mind was drawing blanks on everything all he could do was think
His mother woke him up early "come my little Robin" she said softly holding his hands and leading him out of the tent quietly as to not wake the other performers. She led him to the high rope with a new underneath it "Your old enough to fly now my little Robin" She said looking at her young son who looked wide eyes at the rope high in the air. It wasn't as tall as his parent's rope and there was a net under it which his parents never had but this was his first time on the tight rope, he knew one day he would be able to be just as good as his parents were.
He lowered his head tears streaming down his face silently. He wasn't sure how long he had sat there but the sun beat down on his shoulders and back even though the dark clothes making him uncomfortable. He didn't care he deserved to hurt or at least be uncomfortable. "Why couldn't I have died that night?" He whispered quietly
It was dark when he got back to Mount justice, his jeans were muddy at every point under the knees and he had bought new sunglasses. "Are you okay?" The voice startled him, It was Wally standing and leaning slightly against the wall. He had probably been standing there for hours waiting for Dick to return back to the area
"I'm fine," he said softly looking at his boyfriend but not meeting his eyes, he felt like he was going to collapse from exhaustion or start crying again or potentially both. "I just really need sleep" He admitted his defences slowly falling. Wally could see his changes and stepped forward to hold him
"Come on, let's get you to sleep then" Wally whispered leading the younger man to his room. Dick just sat on the edge of his bed in a malaise while Wally removed his muddy shoes and jeans and tucked him into the bed. "I'll be nearby if you need anything" He whispered and kissed his boyfriend forehead softly before leaving the room.
An hour passed, then two, four, five. It was rounding two in the morning and he thought that maybe, just maybe Dick would sleep through the entire night. He should have known it was a hopeless and desperate thought but that didn't stop him. Six, Seven hours passed Wally was nodding off on the couch just off the hallway. He was trying to stay awake just in case Nightwing needed him but exhaustion was slowly taking over him.
Eight hours, Wally heard the loud screams in the foreign language and ran to Nightwings room as fast as he could exhausted and on an empty stomach. People were already there, Miss Martian, Aqualad, Connor, Blue Beetle, Impulse, and almost everyone else who had been staying at the cave that night. "MOVE" Wally demanded and without question, most of the people separated out of his way until he could reach his boyfriend.
Nightwing was screaming out Romani world in his sleep, sweat dampened his hair to his forehead and he was twisted in the blankets that he was struggling against. "Nightwing" Wally whispered softly kneeling down beside the bed "It's just a nightmare" He shook the younger boy trying to wake him "you can wake up now, you're safe it's just a dream" he whispered again trying to wake him to no prevail. He grabbed Nightwing's arm shaking him a little harder, he saw nail marks scratches down the boy's arm and knew he must have hurt himself while asleep. "NIGHTWING," He said louder and then paused for a moment not sure what to do. Normally it was easy to wake him from his nightmares, all those years of him being Robin and screaming and crying it had never been hard to stir him from a nightmare but now he just couldn't get the boy to wake. An idea struck him "Robin?" He said softly. Dick was awake in a second startled and shuffling off the bed to get away from the concerned crowd that had formed.
He was looking around wildly like he wasn't seeing what was actually in front of him, slowly he stepped back. He was breathing hard and pale "Shh Robin it's just us your friends" Wally got up off the bed slow showing he was no threat to the young hero. He may have been fast but a scared bat more than he could handle. Dick looked at them like a wild animal trapped in a corner. "Wally?" He said softly his eyes growing more gentle, he sounded like that scared thirteen-year-old boy from when the team had just formed and not like the battle-hardened Twenty three-year-old leader. Wally slowly approached him and when he was close enough he hugged him as tight as he could. It was a second of silence and nonreaction to the touch and then Dick collapsed into Wally's arms sobbing. Wally mentally moved both of them down to the ground, Dick still grasping onto him as if his life depended on it
"It's was my fault, It was all my fault" He sobbed shaking
"It wasn't your fault" Wally reassured them petting his dark hair "it wasn't you who killed them, and you were just a child"
"I was supposed to be up there with them, I should have died along with them" He sobbed out choking on his own voice and trembling. "I – I – I" He paused "I want my dad" He whispered still sounding like the thirteen-year-old boy. Wally nodded and turned around to the crowd that was still standing and looking stunned
"Robin," He said and both the current Robin as well as Nightwing looked up "Call Batman and tell him that Its April first, he'll know what it means" The young robin ran off and then came back a few minutes later with Batman on his tail. Bateman pushed his way through the crowd and walked over to his oldest son crouching down in front of him.
"Hey Robbie, are you okay" His voice was softer than anyone else on the team had ever heard it. Rightwing went from clinging to and clung to Batman his sobbing coming back with a new intensity. Wally got up and showed every one of them out of the room leaving Bruce to talk Dick off the emotional ledge.