The WARNING!!!: This is a story written for no other reason than to kill off a character. If that's not your cup of tea, you may want to think about skipping it and reading something of ours that isn't part of the Anime Hit List Arc. Thank you.

The Disclaimer: We, Boobies of Power or the Anime Assassin Corps, do not own Dragonball or the Mike P quote (Mike P owns Mike P's quote). We do own the Anime Assassin Corps, the Anime Hit List and C.J. the stuffed-elephant.

The Notes: As this was originally in script format, (not allowed on this archive) I've had to rewrite it in an acceptable format. If you'd like to read the original (script format+images+pretty colors+dynamic font) just go to the Anime Hit List (homepage on our profile.)

Anime Assassin Corps Official Report

Case #13: Anime Deathmatch:
BOM-tastic Event 2001

The Client: Mike P (Anime Hit List Client)

The Hit: Puar (Dragonball)

The Intro:
Here at the Hit List we try to avoid "inner show conflict influenced by the AAC," as we call it, by purposely not using hitmen from the same anime as the hit. However, the silver tongue of Mike P convinced me to bend the rules just this once. Quoth Mike P,

"Hello. My name is Mike P. I come to you with a desperate plea: the death of Puar, the cat-thing from Dragonball and Dragonball Z. Puar annoys me to no end with his high, feminine voice and his ways of being dependant on someone. I have never seen him alone on any occasion, and he's an idiot. "When we went to shape-shifting school, Oolong would always beat me up because he's bigger than me." How? YOU CAN SHAPESHIFT!

Ahem... anyway, my choice hitman is based on the ROY G BIV color spectrum... Puar is violet, or purple... you probably know what purple is a symbolizing color of... And the red? The one who was once known as terrible, the one who is devious in everyway, the one who's basically a teenage boy in a pig's body, Oolong the Pig! You can tell he's male, and he can beat Puar up. Plus he's saved the world by wishing for woman's underwear. Oolong could take out that asexual Puar with one shapeshifted kick to the head. Please hear my plea."

I think that says it all.

The Hitman: And now here he is! The Pig of Terror!
Oolong!!!

Anime Deathmatch: BOM-tastic Event 2001
Footage is sole property of the Anime Assassin Corps. © 2001

Camera opens on a small brown-haired girl wearing an announcer's headset and a stuffed elephant doll with the initials "C.J." embroidered on its feet, also wearing a headset. The brown-haired girl begins. "Gooood Morning, Anime Fans. This is Chibi and C.J. coming at ya. It's a great day in Roy Biv Stadium here in sunny Pamplona, Spain. Today we have the event you've all been waiting for, the spectacular BOM-tastic Event which pits rivals of inconsistent shape and size against each other in an attempt to reduce each other to glowing piles of viscous ooze. In the Red Corner give a big "hola!" to Oolong the Terrible, the Pig Pervert Extraordinaire! And in the Violet Corner we have the kitty sidekick of... er... I think he's a cat... Anyway, we have the sidekick of the former Desert Bandit Yamcha, Puar! Let's go down to the ring where the referee is about to explain the rules."

The camera pans across the red side of the arena, where thousands of Oolong obsessives wave flags of women's underwear and chant Oolong's revered name. It then pans over the nearly empty violet side and gives a close up to seven pre-teen girls with a banner reading, "Puar for President." Finally, it closes in on the ring, where Kawaii the referee waves the fighters to center ring.

"Alright, here are the rules, which when broken are punishable by DEATH!!!

"Rule #1: No touching of the referee. I do not want to be punched, hit, squashed, brushed or breathed heavily on!" She glares at Oolong.

"Rule #2: No shape-shifting into any characters from Sailor Moon. Nobody wants to see Oolong in a mini-skirt!"

"What about you, sweetheart?"

Kawaii ignores Oolong's lewd comment and continues.

Rule #3: As soon as the bell sounds, this match is to the Death! There will be no timeouts, no ringouts, no begging for mercy or screaming of rape. KO's are permitted, but will not win you the match. It's dead or keep trying!

"I want to see a good clean fight. Return to your corners and wait for the bell. Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!"

The bell sounds. The camera covers the action.

Chibi begins her play-by-play coverage. "There's the bell! And we have Oolong off to a great start by BOMing into the three-headed guardian pup of the underworld, Cerberus!

"OUCH! THAT had to hurt! Puar catches a tooth in the side. Better watch out for the other two heads, kitty kitty! Wait!

"Puar astonishes the crowd by BOMing into a giant newspaper? Yes, a giant newspaper and he proceeds to bat the living Hades out of Hades' dog. Was that a whimper this announcer's ears detected from the dreaded Oolong?

"I guess NOT, with a shift like THAT!! Wow! Oolong is now in the form of a runny-nosed grade school art student with a vat of... of... What is that C.J.?... Oh, yes! It's a vat of papier mache goop!

"Look at Oolong's hands go, tearing strips of the newsPuarper and slapping them in the goo!

"Oolong the Runny Nose is forming the Puarper into a piggy bank!

"Another shift by Oolong. Ah, yes! A giant fan to dry the mache goop.

"What's this? It looks like Puar is trying to beg for mercy. Yep! There's Kawaii moving in on the rule violation. Oh, Puar has spotted the ref and quit his attempt at beggary. Whew! That could have been the end of one might-be cat!

"Papier mache appears to be finished drying. Oolong has BOMed back into his old self. Now he has picked up the Puarbank and tossing it over his shoulder, the Puarbank hits- -gasp!- The Puarbank has hit Kawaii on the head. Oh, no! Rule #1 violation! No touching of the referee! Puar is in for it now!

"And here comes Kawaii's characteristic crimson lightning to burn the Puarbank to ashes.

Kawaii looks at the pile of Puar ash and shrugs. "And the winner is... Oolong!"

A roar rises up in the stadium and the camera cuts to the announcer's booth.

"That was our BOM-tastic Event here at Anime Deathmatch! This is Chibi & C.J. saying Good Fight, Good Night!"

The end credits roll.

Mission accomplished: November 21, 2001