"OMG," she squealed, as the strange glittery man dragged her into alley, "you is hurting me!!1!!!!1121"
He stepped into a random spot of light and glittered rainbow sparkles. Rapist or not, he was too beautiful - she fainted.
In her sleep, she dreamed that he made sweet, sweet nonconsensual love to her on a bed of ROSES and SPARKLES.
"Take me now!" she moaned and/or groaned. But it was too late - he already had.
"And I cannot get a boner for another hour," he explained, noting her charmingly bedazzled expression.
"Why?" she asked, innocently pouting.
He blushed adorably and ran a hand through his shining bronze hair. "It's... well... a bit of a medical condition, actually."
"A medical condition?!" she exclaimed, pointing dramatically at his long, sharp, dazzlin' canines (teeth; not dogs) and said, as if it mattered, "but you're a vampire!"
"Well... yes. Exactly. I mean. Well. I'm sort of... dead. Can you imagine, then, how much Viagra it takes to get it up? So. You know. LIMITS."
"Oh." an idea suddenly occured to her. "Do you need money? Is that it? Can you not afford the viagra? I'll buy it for you! She'd always wondered about Viagra, and jumpted at the opportunity to skip along to Longs Drugs Store and buy some (assuming they sold it there, of course.)
"Er, yes!" said the vampire. "That's it! Run along."
When she returned, though, groceries in hand, he was gone. "My poor Ed!" she exclaimed, dropping the Viagra. "He's been kidnapped! I must save him!"
She ripped off her blouse to reveal the skin-tight Spiderman latex suit underneath, and with a bang and a cry leapt into the sky.
"To the Batmobile!" was the phrase, out of her rant, that floated down to the ears of an innocent bystander. "I mean, SPIDERBIKE1!!!11!"
But when she arrived she saw an evil werewolf waiting for her.
"Bella!" he cried, reeking of testosterone, "I have your boyfriend, and you'll NEVER GET HIM BACK UNTIL WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH HOT GAY SEX TO SATISFY THE RABID SLASHERS!"
She burst into tears & died. Everyone else lived happily ever after (except Edward because he was a vampire LOL!!!!)
(Also because he was destitute, couldn't afford Viagra, and couldn't get it up. SO he had to bottom.)
A/N: Co-written by Gogol and I. But don't ask her. Because she won't admit it.
Disclaimer: Spiderman doesn't belong to us. Twilight, obviously, does.