AN: A melancholy little fic written from Sirius' point of view of the time when he began to distrust Remus in canon. I wrote this with one of those little black and white French movies in mind, so yeah…it's supposed to be in black and white, lol. The lyrics are from Nickleback's song 'Savin' me' because I can imagine Sirius viewing Remus as a kind of spiritual rescuer, someone who can save him from himself. Please enjoy and any comments will be most appreciated. :) (Oh yes, the sequence of scenes goes: Present, Flashback, present, flashback etc. Just so you're aware.)
Falling
Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Sitting in the room where you used to sleep, the cigarette in my hand is tasteless and the beer by my side tastes flat. The room was small from the moment we moved in but somehow it seems even smaller now. The walls, with their peeling paper in faded garish deigns, seem barren and cold to touch. There is a single window and the orange light floods the room, shadows are sent scurrying for cover each time a car drives past and I wince as the white light blinds me. I suppose I should light a candle at least but I can't find it within myself to move. Your bed is empty now, it sits in its corner wearing a single white sheet over its stained mattress and I remember how it used to creak as we moved together on top of it, but now those memories make me sick. I breathe in a lungful of acrid smoke, as I let my hand fall back to my thigh I notice that it shakes. My eyes are tired, I can feel them itching and they're playing tricks on me. The shadow of the wardrobe takes on a form, the figure stands above me and I can feel your familiar burning eyes upon me, I close my eyes and let the car pass to abolish the vision. It's not real. None of it. My beer is warm but I drink it anyway, I try to seek some form of solace within the foul tasting liquid as if my salvation can be found hidden at the glass bottom.
Your scent lingers still, I can't be certain if it's my imagination or not but I take a deep breath and hold it in a desperate bid to bring you closer to me once more. It's all so futile it's almost funny.
Memories haunt this bedroom. I can see their ghosts, hidden just on the very edge of sight. They taunt me with soft whispers, I can hear your voice as you hold me close, your fingers tangled in my hair as you soothe me with that innate gentleness you always seemed able to exhibit. I never got to ask you why you always smelt of honey and chocolate. If I was brave enough to close my eyes I would be able to see you there, smiling at me with that same wonderful patience you always did. If I dared to close my eyes I would be able to feel your arms around me, your hair in my fingers and feel your lips against mine…one more time…just…give me one more chance…
You are forever burned into my mind. Your voice disturbs my dreams as I lie upon the cold floor where I last saw you, I hear you speaking but the words don't seem to make much sense. It doesn't matter…just hold me, hold me like you did before we embarked on this stupid quest to become hero's. I remember your face as I uttered the words that eventually tore our world asunder…I will forever relive that moment in my dreams, your words cut through my armour as if it was little more than soft cheese. I always thought I was strong but now I know better…I was never strong, Remus…it was you who made me strong.
The window is covered in a horrid net curtain, we had vowed to take them down but we never got around to it. We made so many vows that we never got to keep, I should have tried harder. We vowed to be together, forever…what bollocks! Forever is too long. I'm not going to live to see forty, I knew that as well as I knew my own name, how naive and childish we were back then…how desperately I wish I could go back to those days. It's amazing how badly we managed to deceive ourselves, the lies we let pass our lips in moments of intense passion are numerous but the lie I spoke when I destroyed everything we had worked so hard to build is the worst.
Look at me; Twenty years old and acting like an old man, drowning in memories from school as if they had happened half a century ago and not six measly years. Merlin, this war has made fools of us all. It's made us all old men before our time. It's given us scars so deep not even the most potent magic can remove them, I've got a heart of ice and the screams of the dead cannot touch me anymore. Loud noises still affect me badly, I hate fireworks most of all. At night I can see the colourful flashes and I can hear those people dying. I'm shaking again, my beer is empty now and I can see it rolling across the carpet to join its brothers. I don't know how long these soiled fingers can hold onto this unstable cliff, I'm falling. I'm falling so fast I'll never be able to save myself. I find myself wishing that you were here to hold me again, I need to feel your heart against my own, I need you to catch me one last time…
I clipped my own wings, wings that you gave me. I've killed the last vestiges of all that was good and given myself over to dark loneliness…I should have taken your advice and learnt to save myself, but now it's too late. I'm always too late.
I'm certain my plan will work, Remus. It has to! I'll be hunted, I'll become Voldemort's most wanted but I can do it. I can evade capture. What I can't do is do it alone…I can't live without you by my side…I'm so fucking scared. I have to stand up…I have to walk on my own two feet. If I'm going to be any good to James and Lily and little baby Harry I'll need to get a grip on myself, even if I have to face the night alone, I'll do it with a straight back. I can no longer come to you for refuge, you can no longer shelter me from my inner demons, they have won. Remus…I let them escape and I wish…I wish I could turn back time and take back every word I said. I wish I hadn't let you walk out that door…
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
"You're drunk again?"
My fringe is dangling in my eyes as I look up and see you looking down at me with those pity filled brown eyes, I throw my latest empty bottle into the growing pile at my feet and open another. I don't answer, why should I always have to explain myself to you?
"Well, if you're going to be like that I'll leave you to it. Dumbledore wants me on a mission so I'm going to be back late."
"Why come back at all?" I snap angrily. I look up to see that flash of hurt before you cover it up with that impenetrable mask you always wear, why don't you ever show me what you're really thinking?! Why do I always have to guess?
"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer, Sirius." You say and I can hear the chilling tones of anger in your voice, it slips through the minute cracks in your disguise and echoes through my drink befuddled brain. It's a seed…the seed of some kind of venomous plant, one that has roots that poison the soil and kills all the pretty flowers that try to grow in its shadow. The plant has thorns, thorns that tear at my flesh, they rend my soul and wrap me in strangling vines. Its flowers bloom the colour of blood, the vibrant colour of passion and fury. As the door closes behind you I can feel doubt begin to take root, it feeds upon my insecurities and eats at my common sense. What was that look? What are you hiding behind the mask you wear?
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
How could I have been so stupid? We all wear masks now. Even James and Lily have one. I created mine the day I realised I couldn't be myself around my family, I made it stronger when I realised I was gay. I built my armour swiftly but strongly, each piece made from the strongest steel and as heavy as lead. Only you have ever been able to pierce it, only you have ever seen what I look like behind it. Remus, I gave you my heart and tore it from your gentle fingers only to rip it open on the thorns of my paranoia.
Your room is cold, I'm shivering as I lean against the wall and stare listlessly out at the growing pile of bottles. I shift and knock one, my eyes trace its journey across the hideous carpet. Street lights stain the world an eerie orange and the glass of the bottle looks as black as blood does under the moon. My heart is numb and I can't drudge up the will to anything more than pick up another cigarette. I wonder what you're doing? Are you still working with those werewolves? Are you smiling? Is your heart still beating in your chest? Merlin, I hope so. As I lean back so my head rests against the wall I let my eyes fall closed, I sink into the memories of your scent, the memory of your hands trailing heat across my body…
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
I look into your eyes and see the raw passion there. They glow with desire and love, they sparkle with life and it makes me smile. I feel proud that I've managed to cut a chink in your armour, I'm glad that you allow me to see beyond the calm, soft exterior to the intense man that lies beneath. You move me in a way I never knew I could be moved, your heart beats a rapid tattoo against your ribs as I run a hand over your exposed chest. You look at me and I know what you want, you don't have to ask. Words are unnecessary and worthless, words confuse, words are falsities that we do not need in this moment. I press my lips to yours, our tongues tangle in a dance that tells a thousand tales. It's this. It's your lips, it's your heat filled body, it's your bruising fingers…it's your soft but rapid breathing, Remus…it's you. My whole body yearns for your touch, I need you like I need air. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in this entire universe! Merlin Remus, you drive what little sanity I had right out of my head, you kill me with each smile and resurrect me again and again with your passionate kisses. I die in your arms each night as you enter me, you give me pleasure beyond imagining as I wrap my body around yours, I want to become a part of you. I want to meld our bodies into one so that nothing will ever part us again.
"Remus…" I whisper your name into the darkness, feeling you move inside me. I dig my nails into your arms, breaking skin and knowing you won't care. My legs hold you firmly in place as my arms come up to encircle your throat, don't let go…never, ever let go…
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
My eyes flicker open, I had almost fallen asleep. With a groan I sit up and see dawn turning the room pink. I rub at my exhausted eyes as I try to regain the joy I had felt in my dreams, but it's useless. The cold light pushes the stark reality upon me whether I want it or not, I'm thrust once again into this horrible world that I have created for myself. I'm empty now. There's nothing left for me here anymore, so why do I linger? Because I can still sense the last vestiges of you. You filled the room once with your sweet, unquenchable personality. I see you smiling at me from the shadows and I can't meet your gaze, it hurts to know that I have ruined us. It pains me to admit that I have committed the greatest sin of all and driven you away, I will never forgive myself. Never.
Warm water sluices down my chilled skin, I can feel the heat slowly seeping into me and a sigh escapes my lips. I shower with the slow precision of a man in a trance, I only do these things because it's been my routine for years now. I can no longer see the point of doing these normal things, I can't even stomach breakfast and so I take a cup of strong coffee into the room you once had and sit once again upon the floor. My ashtray is overflowing but I don't care. I can't care about much anymore. The darkness that has haunted me all my life has finally caught up with me, I am surrounded by dark clouds and the echoes of your voice render me helpless. I'm scared, Remus…I'm so terrified of this dangerous future I chose. I sometimes find myself lying awake at night and wishing I had chosen a different path. When I see an Owl flying through my window I can't stop my heart from tripling its speed, I can't stop my hands from shaking as I wonder who else is dead. I don't want to know but my fingers take on a life of their own and I read the letter anyway. Death and destruction surround us all, it creeps up on the least wary and destroys us from within. I know What they all say about me behind my back, I know what their harsh stares mean. They don't trust me anymore…did they ever? I can't say that I really blame them, I have never really acted like the trustworthy man. I suppose only time will tell and prove my worth, or lack thereof.
My darkness is now so complete it hurts. I am filled with such dark hatred its taking me over, its filling my heart until all I can taste is the bitterness left behind by my parents, the only legacy they ever gave me. I let it control me until I took it out on one of the few people who ever really cared, I let it control my anger and turn myself hatred outwards. I wish I could find you and apologise, not that I will ever deserve you or your forgiveness. Remus, don't ever let my actions get you down…remember that no matter what I only want you to be happy.
Hurry I'm fallin' All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
"I'm back, Sirius!"
I hear your voice but for some reason it only turns my heart cold. I lie upon the sofa with one arm flung over my head, the cigarette between my lips sends grey smoke into the air as I gaze blindly across the room.
"Sirius? Are you still angry with me?"
I can't answer, I'm not really angry at you…how can I be? You've done nothing wrong. But I am angry. I'm angry at the world, at myself, at the pure injustice of this war in which I had wanted to become a hero. The house seems cold and small all of a sudden as you move to look down at me, I move so that our eyes can meet and I see that mask in place. I hate that mask. I despise that you never let me see beyond it anymore! Does my love mean so little to you now? Are you doing this because you enjoy torturing me? Do you like watching my stumbling attempts to see what you're really thinking? I hate it. Please, Remus, please tell me the truth…these missions, the time you're spending with Greyback and his pack, are you really a spy? Are you really there to gather information for our side? Or…or is there a darker purpose to your night time escapades? I cannot afford to be too trusting, not now my life lies between Voldemort and my adopted family. I can't tell you, Remus. I can't tell you the truth. The words escape me before I can stop them, I can hear them and they make me sick but I can't stop my lips from moving. "Are you really trustworthy?" Your mask shatters, just for an instant but I see the truth in your gaze. I see the agony my question has caused and suspicion shortly follows. Is that grief over my accusation or is it grief that you have lost a victims trust? I can no longer tell friend from foe. "I don't know you anymore."
It is then that you take a deep breath and close your eyes, I can see you pulling your walls back up, walls that I had spent years infiltrating. I watch as you turn to your bedroom and enter it, the door closes behind you but I can hear activity within. It is a little while later that I watch you leave, I can feel my heart freezing in my chest as I scream at you inside my head; don't go! Please, I'll die without you! Remus…I'll fall! I'll fall and you won't be there to catch me anymore!
But you leave. You leave me alone in a dark, cold and lonely house. I can't feel you anymore and so I attempt to drown myself in alcohol. You've left me and I can't blame you, I said something unforgiveable and I caused my own destruction.
I only wish I'd told you what I really wanted to…I only wish I'd spoken those three little words aloud instead of becoming suspicious and angry…
I love you, Remus.
Hurry I'm fallin'
FINIS