- Voyager's New Years Resolution: Never Again Let Neelix the Dwarf Use a Fork
A Sequel to "I'm Sorry Darling, Were You in Need of a Bubblebath Elf?"
Disclaimers: You know, you'd think Paramount get tired of hearing 1000 versions of "You own Voyager." Guess not. So yes, you own it, and no I won't steal the ship or the characters, but even though I occasionally blow up Voyager, kills some of the crew, I STILL treat them better than you. So there!
Author's Note: I'm stuck for anything to say. Just that this was pretty much made the same was as its sequel.
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Space never changes. It's a known fact. But humans.. they need changes. They need to feel that they make a difference, that they matter. So they measure time. Silly thing to do, considering time is infinite, but yet always runs out.
But Voyager had long since learned not to let human ways surprise it. Its first mission had already taught him far more than the Enterprises Thursday Night Story Tellings. In fact, then it would be Voyagers Thursday Night Voyage Into the Delta Quadrant.
So really, that they had a night to celebrate that another year (365 days, 21900 hours, 1314000 minutes…. You get the idea…) had passed, wasn't that shocking.
It was the Christmas part. Voyager didn't really get Christmas. Supposedly there was a Spirit that possessed you and made you say HO-HO-HO, kill perfectly fine trees and give gifts. Now gifts was a nice idea, the ship had to admit that. It couldn't wait to see what the little rascals, that is, the shuttlecrafts, would do this time. But it was this Christmas Spirit it didn't get.
Oh well. Some Mysteries were destined to always remain Mysteries and not be discovered, and therefore not change into something else, namely a known and explained Fact. Yes, Voyager knew its human terminology. That didn't mean it knew its humans. Humans, it figured, took a lifetime to figure out.
And not just any lifetime.. we're talking about the lifetime of a universe.
Anyway, Voyager had given up on understanding humans and had focused on observing them instead. Maybe it could write a book about them when they got home. It'd be a sure hit. And Christmas could fill a whole chapter.
They put up coloured lights. As if they didn't seen enough flashing lights when the ship were in danger, and that was almost every week. Voyager felt a faint worry that if there actually was danger, they wouldn't be able to tell because of all the other flashing lights. But somehow.. even though aliens didn't celebrate Christmas, they respected it. It was one of those universal mysteries that would freak everyone out if they actually knew the answer
They put up plants. And not just anywhere. Hanging over entrances, and whenever someone walked under it, they always started doing that curious thing with their mouths that humans seemed to enjoy so much. It was a sign they liked each other, apparently. Well, Voyager liked the Enterprise, but it didn't stick the bridge into Enterprises bridge. That was just.. rude. But humans.. Humans were humans. And the plants seemed to make them like each other more.
And some liked each other more than others. Like the Captain and the Commander. They liked each other a lot. They did the mouth thing even when there weren't any plants around.
And then there was the gift giving. For some reason, around Christmas, everyone gave each other gifts. Funny gifts, thoughtful gifts, needed gifts, not-so-needed gifts and the loving gifts. The shuttlecrafts had given Voyager a musicbox.. hidden in the warp core it sang silent songs that comforted the ship on lonely nights. Humans had each other.. but Voyager had only Voyager.
Finally.. there was the meal. With pudding. Or something that was supposed to be pudding. And lots and lots of drinking. But mainly pudding.
Neelix made the pudding. In previous Christmases the Voyager had observed, there had been no pudding, but for some reason, this Christmas, it came out of the oven. Neelix' idea of course.. but the little.. dwarf was always trying to find ways to make everyone feel more at home. Sometimes it worked.. sometimes it didn't. This turned out to be a didn't.
Christmas Eve dawned with happy smiles and gift giving. Voyager was almost touched.. and the laughter filled it like air fills a balloon. It felt almost.. happy.
It watched B'Elanna and Tom grope each other when they thought no one was looking. It felt the Doctor look at Seven.. and the Doctor was almost a part of the ship, so Voyager suddenly felt.. horny. It didn't quite know why or how or what to do about it, but.. It had a distinct feeling it was supposed to snuggle up to something.
And it watched Neelix cook. With something he had picked up from a planet they had stopped by (which had the cutest spaceships with.. ummm.. interesting forms) he managed to create something unmistakingly.. black. And to Voyager's astonishment, everyone seemed to like this black stuff and ate it.
In retrospect, maybe they shouldn't have.
Voyager never slept. Not really. It could shut itself off and let its mind drift, not really paying attention to what happened on its many decks. And that evening it was feeling sentimental, letting its great mind wander among the stars.
When it returned its attention to itself again, it almost dropped out of warp in surprise.
The Giggle had returned.
Yes, the human giggle. Voyager had encountered it before, especially when peaking in on bed activities, but no one was in bed now.
They just giggled uncontrollably. Loudly, all at once.. Just the Doctor stood confused, watching. Something had to be amiss..
Unless.. Could this be the Christmas Spirit? They said it made you jolly, and everyone was certainly jolly now, very, very jolly it would seem. Okay, they weren't HO-HOing, it was more of a HE-HEing, but maybe this was a distant cousin of the Christmas Spirit.
And the poor Doctor didn't feel it. But no fear.. Voyager knew what to do. It would give the Doctor the Christmas Spirit.. for the length of Christmas!! Christmas lasted until New Years Eve, or so it seemed, so all it had to do was make the Doctor jolly until then.
It didn't take much concentrating to find the necessary ship systems and soon the Doctor was giggling like mad too. Feeling smug, the ship let its great mind wander once again, this time all the way to the Alpha Quadrant. Somewhere there was the U.S.S Sentinel.. waiting for Voyager to come home.
But hey.. what were the Captain doing? Abandoning sweet thoughts of home, Voyager focused on the Captain, feeling her stumble down the corridor to Engineering. The giggling seemed to cause her to walk more unsteadily than usual, but maybe that was normal. And wait.. there was the Commander too.. pursuing her!!
"You.. cansh.. can't catsch meee!"
Curious. This Christmas Spirit seemed to want adults to play like kids too. But kids didn't normally tug at each others clothes.. And..
More curious. They were gonna do the playing-under-the-sheets routine without the sheets? And in the hallway? On the floor? Didn't it hurt?
"Cha.. Chak?"
"Hmmm?"
"I'm feeling watscheddd.."
"Nooo.. You jhust imagines it."
"Hmm.."
That had to hurt, Voyager thought frantically, feeling itself blush down to the gel packs. That *had* to hurt. The few times other spaceships and come in contact with Voyager, it had usually been painful.. and sticking something into its engine room.. That would hurt a lot. How could humans stand it?
But that didn't stop the Commander and Captain from doing it twice.
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Christmas Day dawned. Voyager, who had spent the night observing human snuggle mode, suddenly observed with interest how humans woke up all over the ship clutching their heads and groaning.
The groaning wasn't unlike the giggling. It seemed to take them over, and for a while that was all they did. Groan. It just seemed less happy than the giggling. Maybe it was the Christmas Spirit's Evil Twin?
The groaning was followed with a lot of cursing, and then, shocked silence.
And suddenly everyone was talking at once.
"I hate the next morning," Tom muttered to B'Elanna, both passed out in a turbolift.
So, the Christmas Spirit's Evil Twin was the Next Morning Spirit.
"Tell me about it," B'Elanna answered, "how the hell did we manage to drink that much?"
"We didn't.. We just ate…"
"The Christmas pudding!" both said in unison, and Voyager felt confusion fill its circuits. What did the Christmas Spirit have to do with pudding? Maybe the Captain knew..
But the Captain seemed busy trying to locate her clothes, as well as the Commander's. Strange. They didn't seemed to have much use for them the night before, but humans and clothes were a whole other chapter.
And then both ran to his quarters.
"What was in that pudding?"
"I dunno.. Must have been something alcoholic."
Ah. Alcohol. Suddenly everything made sense to Voyager. The well known Alcohol. This virus affected humans from time to time and caused strange behaviour. So Alcohol could mutate into the Christmas Spirit and when it passed it became the Next Morning virus. That explained it all.
Well.. most of it. It didn't explain the funny-sheet-business-sometimes-without-sheets, but someday Voyager would solve that too. Feeling somewhat smug, it paid attention to the conversation again.
"I still have this terrible feeling someone watched us."
"Hopefully whoever it was, was too drunk to remember."
And then suddenly they seemed glued to each other again, the Captain giggling into the Commander's chest. Had to be after-effects of the virus.
"Chakotay?"
"Hmm?"
"Remind me to tell Neelix never to make pudding ever again."
And for once, Voyager agreed. Maybe it was best if Neelix didn't cook again.. leave the forking business to someone else as it were. Still, it had been a memorable event and very educational. But somewhere deep in its core, Voyager felt like it had forgotten something. Oh well. Probably nothing important..
"I'm a haaa-haaaaaaaappy dooooctor in looooove!"
Oh shit.
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