Summer was a dreadful time for Harry.
Home, with the Dursleys? What a bore. He would much rather be having fun and jacking (off) around the halls of Hogwarts.
He ran through his memories at Hogwarts while he sat at the edge of the bed in Dudley's old room, staring out the window into the moonlit sky. Hedwig was grooming herself quietly in the corner of the room, when Harry suddenly started furiously masturbating & humping the floor.
Not a lot of time passed before Hedwig's head suddenly snapped up and stared straight at Harry. Harry noticed out of the corner of his eye and pulled up his pants in fury. How dare Hedwig bestow her unworthy eyes on the shaft of the chosen one! He picked up her cage, used it to smash the window open, and proceeded to throw her out ruthlessly. Perhaps he should have placed Hedwig out of his room prior to his exercise but because Harry is a dipshit, he did not even think of such an idea.
Harry was really fucking pissed off and decided to jump out his window. But his attempt at jumping was futile, for Ron had arrived with his flying car. He was fucking driving? How the hell did he even reach the fucking pedals wtf fucking short ass hobbit. Anyways, Harry jumped and landed on the fucking roof of the fucking car, breaking both his legs. Mr. Dursley burst into the room and started screaming profanities at Harry, so Harry screamed back, "Eat an entire ass!" And suddenly Mr. Dursley began cannibalizing his own ass. Harry screamed in agony as Ron drove off to Hogwarts even though it was only like mid-July. Going to school in summer? fukn plebs.
Ron crashed the car into the Gryffindor girls' dormitory and the two hobbits got out. It smelled like happiness and sunshine, unlike the boys' dorm which smelled like death and decay. Maybe it smelled like that because Neville's corpse was stashed under the floorboards but we'll get to that another time. Despite Harry's mild injury, he began rubbing himself over the room, trying to take in as much female essence as he could through osmosis. Ron echoed his actions, but they both froze as they heard footsteps approaching the room.
The door swung open and Malfoy burst into the room. No one even thought to question the other as to what they were doing at Hogwarts in the early summer. He was breathing heavily and swooned as soon as he and Harry locked eyes. Harry and Ron ignored the interruption and began licking the floor once more. Malfoy could no longer hide his erection and strong desire for Harry and began dry humping him like a dog. Ron witnessed this and felt left out so he joined in and soon the three were just a writhing and twitching mass of flesh. This continued on for weeks.
School started once more and children were delighted to be back at Hogwarts, where nothing strange ever occurred. Hermione was slightly off-put by the absence of Ron and Harry on the Hogwarts Express. She paid it no mind, however, and assumed they probably found a private carriage to fiercely buttfuck each other. Hermione's gaydar was never wrong. The smell of homo on Harry and Ron was stronger than the smell of death from the boys' dormitory.
After the sorting ceremony, Hermione and the other Gryffindor girls went to their dormitories, but quickly stopped when they heard mysterious noises. They were all silent, and were able to only make out one phrase repeated over and over again.
"FIST MY ANUS!" A muffled voice continually repeated. "FIST MY ANUS! FIST. MY. ANUS!" Hermione was disgusted and stomped her way to the precious girls' dormitory she worked so hard to make pure (but in reality all the other girls were prostitutes & just masked the scent of desperation with febreeze).
Hermione body slammed the door open with her buns of steel and stared in disgust at abomination on the floor in front of her. The writhing mass of flesh that was once Draco, Harry, and Ron was now a skinless mesh of entangled body parts. The excessive squirming had rubbed away all skin left on their bodies & now the three boys had become one with the girls' dormitory.
A voice echoed ominously around them. "FIST MY ANUS!" It continued repeating. "FIST MY ANUS!" Hermione could barely retain the urge to suddenly shove her entire arm up someone's ass.
"Why is this happening?" Hermione reached for her dick- I mean wand. She tried to aim at the writhing mass and destroy it but the voice was too overpowering. She instead stuck it up her ass. She screamed and everyone suddenly became disoriented when a flash bang went off from Hermione's wand, annihilating her body while producing a bright light at the same time. When everyone regained their senses, Hermione's scattered body parts and the writhing lump of flesh were gone.
The girls' dorm was closed off, and Hogwarts was unsettled for several weeks after the incident, but classes went on nonetheless. Soon people forgot about it entirely, but the occasional first years from other houses would dare each other to go into the dorm, only to never return again. Finally, Dumbledore decided to investigate the matter.
He gathered the best aurors in the magical world to help him combat the phenomenon. At the count of three, they all expectro patronum'd their pants - I mean the door. It burst open and cautiously, they peered in. The horror on their faces was unimaginable when they saw Vernon Dursley posing seductively in the center of the room, surrounded by dead bodies with missing asses. The bite marks where their asses should have been and the blood trails that led to Vernon's mouth indicated that Vernon did, in fact, eat an entire ass. So many, in fact, that Vernon had become 95% ass and only 5% human.
It turns out that Vernon, after cannibalizing his own ass, had developed a thirst for asses and devoured the ass of everyone in London. He forced a wizard to switch his and the lump of flesh's location in order to eat more asses. So right at that moment, there was a mysterious lump of flesh somewhere in London. But that is unimportant. Vernon screeched, "FIST MY ANUS!" and flopped out the window, disappearing from sight.
No one's ass was ever safe again.