hey guess what homies this is not actually about chris colfer this is a work of fiction

WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! IT'S SO LIFELIKE!

i know

Chris sat in his car staring at the small pet-carrier on the passenger seat. He hadn't really planned on getting a cat at all, but there had been something about this little guy that seemed to draw him in. Even now he could see the cat staring at him through the little mesh door, unceasingly, unblinkingly. For the better part of an hour. Very strange. He had had cats before and he knew them, as a species, to be the epitome of creatures that do not give shits about anything. So the determination and intensity of this animal's gaze had certainly taken him by surprise. And maybe even turned him on a little…

Wait, what?
Oh hell no.

He was an independent gay man, he was flying single, and he was loving it. He got a rescue animal to be compassionate, not because he was miserably lonely and completely devoid of love in his life. That second one was definitely not the reason. Not at all. And those deep Jade eyes meant nothing to him. Especially not sexually. Because it was a cat. Just a cat. Lonely people got cats all the time and it never meant that they took advantage of them or anything crazy like that. He wasn't even lonely, he was just a caring person…Yeah, he was done with that train of thought, back to thinking about 30's asylums for his movie. Yes, the mentally insane, safe topic. Okay, back on the road.

—-

He really didn't like carrying the cat in it's carrier, because he could feel the poor thing swaying and being tossed around inside of it with the motion. So he decided to let it out of the cage and leave the box in the car, then just carry him up into the apartment. When he opened the little mesh door he expected to have to coax and cajole the thing out of it for a good while before it reluctantly left the safety of it's box. He was not prepared for it to come out of the cage running and leap into his arms. Instantly he braced himself for the many sharp scratches he expected on his chest, but…the cat still had it's claws in. It had jumped towards him and it hadn't brought it's claws out. He had caught it and so the animal hadn't fallen like it otherwise assuredly would have.

He looked up from it's paws, which he had been examining and had determined must actually contain claws, and was startled to see it's face so near to his. The cat was cradled to his chest where he had caught it, and it leaned forward so that it's nose was practically touching his. He giggled and met it the rest of the way, pressing their noses together. He then shut the car, locked the doors, and carried his pet inside. He was determined to keep this from being awkward.

—-

When he sat the cat down on the counter he wasn't knew it wouldn't stay there, but he hadn't realized it would follow him around like a little puppy. It's apparent interest in him was decidedly uncatlike. When he stood up to go into another room, it would get up and follow. When he sat it would sit at his feet and stare at him. When he was in bed or on the couch it would leap right up into his lap and stare at him and paw at his belly until he paid it attention. But it never scratched him. It never hissed at him. It never ignored him when he called out to it, or treated him like he was invisible and below it's importance. In essence, it was not behaving like any cat Chris had ever before interacted with. He drew the line when it tried to come into the bathroom with him; he gently attempted to nudge it out when it tried to follow him in "No, wait in the hall, Brian" it stared at him with a glint in it's eye and a twitch of it's whiskers "Come on cat, I'll be like two minutes, get out" it moved a little closer to his legs and rubbed it's face against them "Oh my god I'm not letting you sit on my lap while I take a shit" and he promptly picked it up and deposited it out into the hallway, shutting and locking (wait why did he just lock his bathroom door against a cat?) and collapsing onto the edge of the bathtub in frustration, dragging his fingers roughly through his hair, glad to have a few moments to himself.

A few minutes later, after he had done his business and was washing his hands, he heard a crash. Mother of god if that cat started acting up now just because he wasn't paying attention to it…He hurried through the apartment to the kitchen and was surprised to find just a box of cereal on the floor. The cat was in the middle of the spilled cereal playing with the little flakes and clusters and pushing them this way and that. It was really too cute, and he just couldn't bring himself to be mad at it. With a sigh he reached for the dustpan, which was when things started to get a little twilight-zone-ish.

As he approached the pile of cereal with the broom the cat seemed to panic, and stomped on the bits he was already standing on. With a dexterity that was startling, the cat used his paw and foreleg to swipe the cereal out of the way of the broom. Chris had stopped moving at this point and was staring at the cat with curiosity and worry. The cat then used the same awkward motion to push the rest of the cereal away from Chris and into what resembled an almost-tidy pile. He slowly reached for the broom again to start sweeping and the cat batted at his hand with a paw. He moved his arm back to his side and waited for whatever it was the cat was doing to be done. It pranced back over to it's little pile and started shoving pieces of cereal this way and that again.

Just as he was growing frustrated at the constant oddness his cat seemed to exude, the cat in question seemed to grow frustrated as it messily shoved cereal around this way and that. It grew more violent, sweeping across the whole pile and making the radius of the mess grow larger. It stomped again in that odd uncatlike way, and flopped into a laying position, again very uncatlike. It rolled over onto it's back, legs stretched out and forelegs spread wearily out at it's sides. it stared at him and let out a pathetic meow that sounded suspiciously like a particularly whiny complaint. He reached over to scratch it's belly and it scootched closer to him; "You know, it's okay to get a little upset sometimes, God knows I just want to go and jump around on some unsuspecting cereal sometimes, let all the tension out, teach those cornflakes a lesson"

The cat made a little noise in it's throat that was definitely not a purr. It sounded a bit froggy, like the noise a toad makes, but muffled and small and rather catlike. But also very uncatlike. He had never heard a cat make such a noise, and began to grow panicked "What was that, are you okay? Oh god, are you choking on cereal or something?" he rushed to replace the cat's water dish with clean fresh and set it next to him. The cat twitched it's whiskers and it made that odd croaking noise again, before drinking and then settling itself in his lap. He stared at the pile of cereal on the floor and then at the cat, who seemed to be waiting for him to say something. He sighed "Well we'll just leave that for the next time you're feeling destructive, I guess" and he carried the cat into his room and sat it on the bed next to him and proceeded to spend the next several hours working on his script.

—-

As he got ready to settle back into bed later for the night, he stared at the cat. It was already on his pillow, waiting for him with an almost predatory look on it's face. For some reason he felt prickling waves of discomfort wash over him as he removed his shirt and pants and put on his soft flannels. This wasn't the night spent dancing awkwardly around the cat and it's strange habits. He pretended not to see it coming closer to the edge of the bed and doubling the intensity of it's gaze during the brief moments where he was naked. For god's sake it was just a cat. But there was something about that cat's eyes, that relentless and almost heated gaze.

He shoved it aside and climbed under the covers, then lifted the blanket so it could snuggle up beside him. He rubbed it's ear fondly, "I'm not going to let you get to my head Brian. I think you're just a silent and serious little kitty, and I'm going to go seriously crazy if I keep trying to read into things". Again with the croaking little frog noises, he would have to take the cat to the vet the next day.

—-

"It doesn't look like there's anything at all wrong with this cat, son" The vet said, as he snapped the glove off of his hands "You said it sounded like a little frog in his throat?" Chris nodded vehemently "It sounds like Disney made a bad mashup of Cats and Princess and the Frog in there-Listen that's it!" he and the vet both ducked closer to the cat, who seemed to be trying to stop making the noise.

The vet looked back at him in astonishment "Well damn if I ever heard a cat make a sound like that before!" he leaned against the table and scratched the side of his head "It doesn't really sound like a medical problem though…it's clearly not a cough or sneeze. Maybe it's a hiccup. Weirder things have happened, but from hearing it I don't think anything's actually wrong with Brian here. Just strange as all get out" Chris sighed and shook the vet's hand "Thank you for your time, judging from this cat's gratuitous expenditures caused already, I'm sure it's safe to say that we'll be back in the near future with more hypochondriacal disasters" they both stared as the cat made the croaking again, and shrugged it off with grins. The vet left the room and Chris put the cat's collar and leash on it and led it out of the building and to the car.

As he pulled out of the lot he glanced at the cat "What am I going to do with you Brian? Next time you feel like transforming into an amphibian give a guy a little warning. I don't think that's too much to ask" to which the cat responded with more croaking. Chris side-eyed it again, that little noise was starting to sound an awful lot like an extraordinarily-timed snigger.

—-

When he brought the cat in he ran into yet another strange situation. It couldn't care less that he took it's leash off, it seemed glad rather, but when he reached for the collar it hissed at him. He halted the motion of his arm immediately - the cat had never hissed at him. Ever. This was new and he didn't like it. He tried once more to remove the leather band from the cat's neck and it scratched the back of his hand. Like scratched all the way across it with it's claws out, leaving red angry marks that stung. He pulled his hand away and held it to his chest, all he could do was stare at the cat, who seemed to come back to itself and rushed forward to lick at his hand and rub it's face against his chest. He hesitantly patted it's back with his uninjured hand, wondering what the hell was going on in this cat's head, then quickly deciding that he didn't really want to know.

After that moment he never tried to take the collar off again, and the cat had never been sweeter. Every moment that he was home, it was with him. It was on his bed as he slept and wrote, cuddled up tightly against him. It was in his lap when he sat on the couch watching TV or movies, and even when he entertained friends. When he cooked it sat on the counter and when he ate it sat on the table. When he was in the bathroom it waited patiently just outside of the door until he would open it and it would rush in and twirl around his legs. It seemed to never want to be apart from him, and that gave him a strange sense of home that his apartment had never really provided before. It was nice. It felt special. Until he woke up in the middle of the night to find a naked stranger with a monumental erection pressed up against his back.

—-

After a quick scuffle and desperate fumbling for the light switch, Chris sat with his back pressed up against the headboard and his arms tightly wrapped around his knees "What the hell is going on?" he looked around wildly "And what did you do to my cat?"

The mysterious (and exceptionally well-built) stranger stared at him awkwardly and reached to cover himself with the blanket, only to find a (…was that a sai sword?…) sharp weapon inches from his face within a terrifyingly short span of time "No, don't move. Actually yes, do move - get off of my bed" the stranger held up his hands and slowly moved to stand several feet away. He still hadn't spoken a word. Chris had stopped hyperventilating by this point and yet seemed much angrier "Okay; who are you, why are you in my house, and why the hell are you naked?"

He listened to a silent conflict in his head about whether he was outraged or grateful that the guy hadn't yet had the decency to cover himself where he stood. Sweet mother of batman, those abs were delicious. What he wouldn't give to- woah, back on track. He pointed the sais at the still mute stranger who was quick to respond, "Umm, Hi. My name is Brian. I'm in your house because I'm your cat, and I'm naked because I only just now turned back into a human." He chuckled a little at the end and fidgeted a little, which caused the light to catch on the little golden tags on the tight leather collar that strained around his neck. Chris dove right back into full-blown panic mode, "Oh. Oh, oh, ohmygod. You're a stalker - you're a crazy fan aren't you? Please tell me you didn't hurt my cat. Where is he and what do you want?"

The man started to move forward again but Chris thrust his sais out menacingly into the space between them. His hands were instantly back up in front of him in a position of surrender "Please, I know I seem really crazy but I'm not, I really am your cat and I've been living with you for almost a year now. Just give me a half-hour to prove myself. At 4am I'll turn back into a cat again"

Chris shifted on the bed, thinking. Of course he didn't believe a word the man was saying, but then again crazy or not he had never been in such close proximity with so handsome a man. He stood, sais still in front of him protectively, and handed the smaller throw blanket to the man "Come on, we're going to go sit at the table and have a real discussion" and so he led the man out to the kitchen, bright and sterile and safe, and sat across from him. He felt more at ease with the table between them and darkness and nakedness and terror now mostly-negated factors.

He continued as bluntly as he started "I'm not going to lie, I think you're absolutely nuts. But you're also quite possibly the most attractive man I've ever seen in my life" the man blushed, huh - that was really adorable "So *ahum* I'm going to humor you. You have a half hour, most of which will be spent with me blatantly staring at your chest, and at that point I'm going to call the police. We good?"

The man's mouth dropped open and he didn't speak for a moment. He then cleared his shook his head lightly "Chris, I am Brian. At four I'm going to turn back into a cat and you're going to think you're either crazy or that your ambien expired, and this will be gone. The…the one chance I get to finally talk to you and it's basically a null whichever way it goes. You'll either refuse to believe me and send me back to the shelter and I'll be a heartbroken cat for the rest of my life, or you'll decide that the facts are incontrovertible and hate me for taking advantage of your ignorance all these months and I'll be a heartbroken cat for the rest of my life" he buried his face in his hands, and nearly jumped in shock when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Chris looked incredibly uncomfortable, but he was trying his hardest to be kind "Look, you may be crazy but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to your feelings and emotions. I need you to know that I don't hate you, I just think you need help, and you aren't going to find it standing around naked in the middle of my apartment. So…let's go sit on the couch and wait for the police to get here" he tugged the man's elbow and led him into the den, where they sat and watched reruns of Housewives of Atlanta for twenty minutes. At 3:59 the man became agitated again "Chris you have to pay attention because this is my proof. In one minute I'm going to transform into a cat, and at 2am tomorrow morning I'm going to turn back. It's been happening the whole year we've been together, and it's going to keep happening for the rest of my life. I'm not crazy and more importantly you're not crazy. Please whatever you do don't get send me back to the pound. Just know that I'll still-"

And whatever he had been planning on saying was gone to the wind, because just like that there was a cat sitting in front of Chris. It had taken about three seconds, his entire body had first covered with thick marbled gray fur, then changed into a feline shape and then finally shrunk to the size of a toaster oven. It was astonishingly fast, but undeniably a transformation. There was no instant man-poof-cat. He had seen it with his own eyes. And now the cat was meowing at his softly, and moving closer onto his lap, and licking at the back of his hand, and nuzzling at his arm with it's face. he looked straight into those jade eyes that had first lured him in at the shelter "So you can understand me?" it nodded it's head exaggeratedly "and you've been completely sentient this entire time?" nod "so that day with the cereal you were trying to write me a message?" nod nod nod. He squinted his eyes skeptically "twitch your whiskers and then wag your tail twice" twitch wag wag "okay, I believe you. Is there any other way you can communicate with me?" headshake "okay so we're stuck with yes and no questions" nod nod "wait a second, no we're not!" he got up ad dug around in the cabinet by the TV. He pulled out a relatively new ouija board, and began to unpack it from it's box. It had extra large letters and numbers, and he sat it down in front of the cat. It stared at the board with what seemed like amusement. It began stomping a paw on letters and Chris zeroed in his focus to pay attention to what it was saying

-THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY CLEVER I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS A LONG TIME AGO-
"Well thank you, I do happen to have good ideas sometimes. But don't distract me, why didn't you tell me sooner?"
-YOU WOULD HAVE SENT ME BACK TO THE SHELTER AND I CAN'T GO THERE AGAIN- "Why?"
-ANIMAL ABUSE HAPPENS EVERYWHERE AND EVEN NICE PEOPLE CAN BE MEAN WHEN THEY THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING-
"So every night you turn back into a human for two hours?"
-YES-
"How have I never noticed?"
-YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE TO HIDE UNDER THE BED AT NIGHT SOMETIMES-
"Wait so you've been a human in the apartment while I was awake and I didn't even realize!?"
-ONLY A VERY FEW TIMES BECAUSE YOURE USUALLY ASLEEP BY AROUND 1-
"That's…I can barely believe it…So you'll really turn back into a guy tomorrow night again? I'm really not crazy?"
-YES I WILL AND CHRIS YOURE PERFECTLY SANE-
"So your name really is Brian?"
-YES-
"Okay, so how did you become a cat, Brian?"
-OMG CHRIS YOU DONT JUST ASK PEOPLE WHY THEYRE CATS-
"…Hilarious, Brian, really. But no, how did you become a cat?"
-I…I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW-
"So you just woke up one day and you were a cat?"
-I ONLY HAVE A VAGUE IDEA OF WHAT MAY HAVE CAUSED IT-
"Okay, I'm listening"
-IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND I WAS SHOPPING IN WEHO WITH MY FAMILY-
"Wait, what?
-I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY AFTER THAT YOU SEE I TRIED TO HELP AN OLDER WOMAN CROSS THE STREET AND SHE JUST GLARED AT ME AND WOULDN'T LET ME HELP HER AND TEN MINUTES LATER WHEN I WAS IN THE BATHROOM AT A STORE I BECAME A CAT FOR THE FIRST TIME-
"So much is wrong with that story. When did this happen?"
-ITS 2012 RIGHT-
"Yes"
-MAYBE- … -15 YEARS AGO-
"Wait how old were you when you turned!?"
-SEVEN I THINK-
"if you think the old woman turned you then why did she do it? Aren't helpful little boys supposed to be adorable?"
-I MAY HAVE CALLED HER AN ANCIENT OLD RAISIN WHEN SHE GLARED AND WOULDN'T LET ME HELP HER-
"Brian! It's your own damn fault you're a cat!"
-I WAS SEVEN THE MOST I DESERVED FOR A MILDLY REBELLIOUS INSULT WAS AN ITCHY ASS OR SOMETHING EQUALLY BRIEF-
"I'm not going to even go there"
-DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I SPENT WISHING THAT SHE HAD JUST GIVEN ME HERPES OR ANAL WARTS OR SOMETHING-
"Jesus Brian, you're a worse pessimist than I am. But what happened with your family? Didn't they ever report you as missing?"
-WELL I WAS WITH THEM FOR THE FIRST FEW HOURS TRYING TO GET THEM TO TAKE ME WITH THEM BUT MY MOM WAS ALLERGIC TO CATS AND THEY WERE A LITTLE BUSY WORRYING ABOUT WHERE THEIR CHILD RAN OFF TO AND I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE-
"So you just grew up as a cat in the gayest place on earth?"
-I DID AND IT WAS KINDOF AN AWESOME CATHOOD-
"So why didn't you tell someone before me?"
-I HAVENT HAD TO-
"What?"
-IT WAS EASY ENOUGH TO BLEND INTO THE STREETS DURING THE DAY AND NOW THAT IM OLDER MY HUMAN TIME HAS GROWN EXPONENTIALLY BETTER-
"So you've lived as a human?"
-TWO HOURS IS TIME ENOUGH TO DO A LOT OF THINGS AND IVE HAD MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF WILD FUN AND PARTIES AND SEX-
"So you just stick to quickies and one-night stands? Why are you even staying with me if you could have a life on your own?"
-CHRIS I HAVE TWO HOURS AT NIGHT EVERY DAY TO SPEND AS A HUMAN AND I COULDN'T GO TO SCHOOL OR GET A JOB OR HAVE REAL FRIENDS AND ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT MY KIND OF RELATIONSHIPS ONLY LAST A FEW HOURS AND ARE THE TYPE YOU NEVER SEE AGAIN SO DONT PLAY MORALITY WITH ME-
"I'm sorry, that came out really nasty. I guess this has taken me all so by storm that I'm still reeling a bit. I didn't mean to be rude or hurt your feelings. Even if we're only just talking now, I still care about you so much. You've been with me through some incredibly difficult times in my life, and you've made my life better"
-IVE TREASURED MY TIME WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME I DONT HAVE TO STAY BUT I CHOSE TO BECAUSE YOU TOOK ME IN AND TOOK CARE OF ME-
"I love you Brian, and whether you're a cat for the rest of your life or your curse is broken tomorrow, I'll always have a place for you in my house and in my heart"
-I LOVE YOU TOO CHRIS AND ILL STAY WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU WANT ME-

The cat abandoned the board and leaped into Chris' arms. He nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck and Chris rubbed his hand in smooth strokes down his head and back, and he carried him to the bedroom and they fell asleep cuddled together, nose to nose.

—-

They spent the entire next day talking via the ouija board. Chris' heart broke at some of the stories Brian told him of being homeless and alone on the streets at night. Apparently he couldn't fall asleep when he was in human form. But he had also had good times, living with families that didn't care if he slept all day and went out to "prowl" at night. He told Chris amazing stories of events he had been to and things he had seen from different perspectives. What Chris couldn't understand was why he had stayed in the shelter.

"If the place had abusive workers why didn't you just leave?"
-I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE REALLY EASY TO ESCAPE FROM A SITUATION LIKE THAT BUT THE LOCKS THEY USED WERE VERY SECURE AND EVERY NIGHT I ONLY BARELY SURVIVED SINCE THE CAGE THEY HELD ME IN WAS DESIGNED TO HOLD SMALL ANIMALS-
"I'm so glad I found you when I did"
-YOURE TELLING ME…CHRIS YOURE LIKE MY SAVIOR AND IM SAD TO ADMIT THAT I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I WOULD HAVE LASTED IN THERE-

He picked Brian up and held him in his arms, close to his chest. Leaning back into the couch, he rocked them gently back and forth. After a bit Brian squirmed a little to get away, and when Chris let his arms slack he leaped back to the table

-I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID I WOULD STAY WITH YOU FOREVER YOU MAKE MY LIFE BETTER TOO AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH-
"I love you too, and I know when I've said it in the past I've only meant it about cat-brian, but this time I mean it about all of you"

And so they went back to bed and slept the rest of the day. When the late of nighttime struck they were bright and bushy-tailed, ready to meet each other again face to face. It was 1:58 and they were on the couch sitting side by side. Chris was absentmindedly stroking down Brian's back and Brian rolled his back into the touch each time. They stared into each other's eyes as Chris' watched beeped out the hour. When it happened it was the exact opposite of the first transformation; he grew in size until he looked like a giant snow leopard, then morphed into a human, and then the lovely gray fur disappeared from skin as if it had melted into the air. It was beautiful and elegant and mesmerizing, and when it was finished they clasped hands, unsure of where to go from there.

Chris nervously broke the ice "So I guess I really have no validation for my secret-doubts now, do I?" Brian grinned as he leaned forward towards him "That proof you demanded is about to kiss you, so pucker up"

i'm so sorry