I don't know where this came from, woah.
After Unwind, before Unwholly~
Every day it's the same thing and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling helpless. I hate the averted gazes, the pitying glances given to me from the residences at the Graveyard. They shouldn't be pitying me! I can't be Unwound anymore. I'm disabled. Even if they caught me the worst they could do is lock me away. But still these AWOLs look at me like I'm missing something, like even though I can't legally be Unwound, I still need protection. And as much as I try to convince myself that I'm fine, that even though I can't walk or really feel anything waist-down, that I'm still a-okay, ready for anything this world throws at me, there's always something nagging at the back of my head that tells me I'm not fine. It's not okay. That I'm only a fifteen-year-old girl, and I still have a long life ahead of me. A life that I'll need my legs for.
I could live through all of that, though. I have a piano, and people enjoy listening to me play. It's the only musical thing in the Graveyard, and whenever I'm playing, people aren't shooting timid glances to my legs, or eyeing my wheelchair like it's the reason I am the way I am. Whenever people watch me play, they aren't watching me, but my hands. My fingers, making a melody out of a few strings and slabs of ebony. Whenever I'm playing I'm allowed to feel like myself again. Just Risa Ward, with no one looking down at me to remind me how I can never be the same. And whenever Connor shows up to watch me play, I feel like if I tried to stand up right then, I'd be able to. Just the look in his eyes as he gazes at not my hands or my legs but at my face, makes me feel like I could fix my severed spine on willpower alone.
And it's because of him that I don't give up and get a new rod in my back.
Because if he'd had a choice, he wouldn't have gotten a new arm. In my mind, not getting a new spine is my way of honoring Connor. I would never admit it, but I do want to be able to walk, and I'd be willing to house an Unwind's spine in order to do so. I want to be able to dance with Connor and run to the injured people in the infirmary. Hell, I want to be able to stretch my legs without help.
But because Connor didn't have a choice, I made the choice he would have.
Because I guess that's what it's like to be in love.