Disclaimer: I own nothing. Obviously. If I owned Columbia, I would have never let her die. I love her too much, which is presumably why I can't stop writing about her.
Author's Note: My friend had the idea to go to Random Word Generator (Plus), and then design a conversation around whatever word popped up. The words I got were: finish, unraveling, explosively, blimey, and fancy; one word hidden in each conversation. See if you can find them all–it's really hard. (That would be my sarcastic voice by the way, since you might not be able to tell.)
Basically there are five conversations between Columbia and assorted other characters (Eddie, RiffRaff, Janet, Magenta, and Frankie). Some would barely count as conversations while others are relatively decent sized. The first one takes place before Eddie is put on ice and the last one happens just before the dinner scene.
I feel obligated to warn you that because one of the words is blimey, Magenta will adopt a terrible British accent in the fourth dialogue; if this offends you, PRESS THE BACKSPACE BUTTON BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. Or, y'know, just skip that dialogue. The reason I thought it would be in character of her to do so is because in the movie, she randomly puts on a fake Southern accent when she says "Master! Dinner is prepared!" (or I think she tries to, but it's layered on top of her Transylvanian accent plus Patricia Quin's natural British accent, so it comes out kind of non-Southern-y). Anyway, it kind of gave me the idea that Magenta might be fond of imitating Earthling accents, so I went with it.
I proofread this once or twice but seeing as I am not the most diligent proofreader, there could still be a few mistakes. Please forgive me if you happen to find any offending sentences or words. Also, concrit is very much appreciated, as is feedback of any sort, even flames . . . well, no, not flames.
"So when is he going to finish up these test things?" Eddie asks Columbia impatiently.
She stares at him, feeling helpless. She knows that she's not supposed to tell Eddie what exactly Frank-N-Furter is going to do with him after he finishes the tests, but she wishes she could. Sometimes she thinks she likes Eddie even better than Frankie, but she keeps this to herself. She's not even supposed to be messing around with Eddie, and she doesn't want to think about what will happen if Frankie finds out.
Columbia decides not to answer the question but instead just says, "Dunno," and grabs Eddie's leather vest, pulling him into a kiss.
Columbia doesn't know much about Riff Raff except that he's a bit creepy and he's Magenta's brother. Magenta really seems to like him, though, which is saying a lot, because Magenta's not always the friendliest of people, so Columbia tries not to feel too weird standing alone in the hall with Riff Raff.
She wishes Magenta would hurry up and come downstairs—she's supposed to be helping Columbia find something to wear to Frankie's next shindig, but Magenta is apparently taking her time. She glances at her gleaming red nails in irritation as if Magenta's tardiness is somehow their fault. She needs to look really good for this party; Frankie's unveiling his big science project to a bunch of his scientist friends tonight, and all of her clothes are beat up as hell.
She glances over at Riff Raff, smiling stiffly. "What's up?" she says. She feels especially awkward around him for some reason.
He glances up from his dusting for a second, and then continues his work, saying in his odd, reverberating voice, "Your stockings are unraveling. You ought to find a new pair."
Columbia stares at him for a second. She notices his thumbs twitch around an awful lot, and that his smile is a little sinister. Finally, she nods and turns away. Freak, she thinks, but she doesn't say anything more, just stares straight ahead and wishes Magenta would hurry up.
Janet's just too easy. Columbia could tell the minute the dumb broad fainted that she would be gullible and naïve. Usually she just ignores people like that, but tonight she's in a terrible mood, and she can't help messing with Janet's head when the girl timidly asks, "You don't think Doctor Frank-N-Furter is—well—mad at me—or anything, do you?"
"Why do you say that?" she asks sarcastically and can't quite stop herself from thinking bitterly, He's too caught up in his own damn self to give a fuck about you . . . . Or anyone else.
"Well—the thing I said—what I said about muscles—he just seemed—"
Columbia is suddenly very tired of hearing this Janet chick talk. "Oh, yeah, I bet he hates you," she says venomously. "You know, he's super sensitive about his playthings." Except the ones he's finished with. Those he can throw away like last week's trash. The thought comes unbidden to her, and Columbia wishes fervently that there was a way to shut off her brain. Or Janet's mouth.
"Like—well, like how mad is he?" Janet asks nervously.
Columbia briefly wonders why Janet cares. "Oh, I dunno. Last time someone said something bad about one of his creations, he got really furious. Like explosively furious." Columbia is momentarily amazed at just how easy it is to lie and how much fun it is too. Janet is like some dumb marionette doll–all Columbia has to do is twitch the strings and watch as Janet reacts just the way she expects her to. "I think the guy who criticized him last is like dead and stuff," she adds nastily, just for good measure.
Janet turns very pale and almost stops walking to Columbia's intense satisfaction. The girl is amazingly stupid.
"You—you mean Dr. Frank-N-Furter killed him? Like that guy in there—" Janet says in a voice barely above a whisper.
At the mention of Eddie, Columbia suddenly feels very sick and for a second is sure she is going to scream again. She is abruptly fed up with toying with Janet and besides they've arrived at the chick's room. "Shut it, " she snaps, and throws the door open, shoving Janet inside and tossing her a bathrobe.
She walks away quickly, trying hard not to remember the blood and what might happen if Frankie ever decides he doesn't like her anymore either.
Columbia stares stonily at the screen. First Frankie fucks that Janet bitch and now he's with the guy. She wishes Magenta weren't off cleaning (or fucking Riff Raff which, knowing Magenta, is far more likely) because she doesn't think she can stand thinking about Frankie pounding into another person who's not her.
Not that she really wants to be near him after what he did to Eddie, but she can't help but feel a little threatened by his new perfect sex toy, this Janet girl (who happens to be a slut in disguise), and the pompous asshole guy (who seems an awful lot like a fag in disguise). How many groupies does Frankie need?
She sighs and pulls the monitor handle and the screen flips to the laboratory. Sure enough, there's Magenta and Riff Raff going at it on Frankie's bed. She's sort of glad—Magenta's always more playful after seeing her brother, and Columbia could really use the distraction.
Finally, they're done, and she watches as Riff Raff alerts Frankie that Rocky is gone. Columbia's also happy at this piece of news—she sure as hell doesn't need any competition from Blondie, and now that Magenta and Riff are done, Magenta will be heading to their room.
As if on cue, Magenta bursts into the room, exclaiming "Blimey! Cleaning was 'ell today!" in a terrible cockney accent.
Columbia grins at Magenta. "Your accents always suck. I don't know why you bother," she teases.
Magenta gives a throaty laugh. "Just trying to blend in with you Earthlings," she says in her natural voice, collapsing on the couch next to Columbia and grabbing her blow dryer.
Columbia feels her smile widen, ready to take her mind off what a horrible day it has been, and have some fun with Magenta. "Let me give you a toe job," she says, giggling and grabbing a bottle of nail polish. "You should check out Janet on our view screen. She's been crying for seriously, a half hour. After sex."
Magenta laughs again and begins to flip through the channels on their monitor to find Janet. Columbia decides that maybe today doesn't have to suck after all. Making fun of that dumbass Janet chick is entertaining at least.
"Columbia, darling, must you wear those raggedy pajamas to dinner? And that hat?" Frankie asks, entering the dining room. Columbia sees he's changed for dinner, and he looks perfect as always.
"You should have said to dress fancy," she mutters, still not wanting to talk to him. She wishes she hadn't been dragged out of her room. The last thing she feels like doing is eating, especially not with Frankie's blonde ape (who unfortunately appears to have been found) and some guy in a wheelchair.
"Well, I didn't think I would need to say it," he continues, ignoring her hostility. "I'm expecting you to set an example." She sees him cast a pointed look at Janet.
She says nothing, hating how he continues to act as if life in the castle is the same as always, as if he hadn't committed a murder and replaced her with an idiotic muscle man.
She finds she doesn't have much of an appetite, nor does she feel like making conversation, so she sits in silence and picks at her food.
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