A Moment to Reflect
A Suikoden fanfiction by Shadra D
[Disclaimer: Genso Suikoden and its characters are copyrights of Konami and Konami Tokyo. Used without permission for entertainment purposes only.]
~~~
"No, Sir Hikusaak, the current whereabouts of the True Wind Rune are unknown. It disappeared when the ruins crumbled."
"I see. And what of its bearer?"
".... he is dead, my lord."
"Hmm. And what of the other True Runes?"
"I was only able to recover the True Earth Rune, my lord. The others--"
"It is of no consequence, at the moment. I can afford to be patient."
"Yes, my lord."
"Is there anything else you wish to speak to me about, my child?"
"........."
".....?"
".... No, my lord."
"Very well. Return to your suite and recover from your ordeal. I will call upon you in a few days time."
"... My thanks, Sir Hikusaak."
"Be well, my child."
Silently cursing my own weakness, I stood, bowing once more to Hikusaak and then taking my leave of his chambers. Indeed, I was grateful for his graciousness in allowing me time to recover.. but at the same time, his words felt so false, as if he were privy to some joke that I knew nothing of, and the very fact amused him.
Perhaps I was simply feeling insecure, perhaps even paranoid. I had wanted to much, inside, to ask him if it was true... If it was true that I was nothing more than a man-shaped container for a True Rune. If I had been created, given life, and used to bear this cursed True Earth Rune for Hikusaak's purposes alone. I would have asked that man... I would have asked him such things if I had the strength to do so.
"Lord Sasarai, is there anything you need?" asked one of my attendants as I reached the doors to my private suite. Shaking my head, I opened the door and started to enter.
"There is nothing I require, Danna, but thank you," I replied, somewhat distractedly. The young girl nodded, smiling slightly and bowing before she began to move off, quick footsteps echoing down the hallway. I watched her leave, wondering if I had offended her somehow. I had not meant to, really... but what was there to be done now? Nothing at all...
Shutting the door behind me, I began to remove the outer jacket of my uniform, cursing under my breath at the complexity of such an outfit. Usually I would have some attendant help me with the more complicated ties and clips, but as I was alone at the moment, I had to do the best I could. Finally I was rid of the stuffy thing, tossing it on a chair as I made my way over to the silver washbowl by the large mirror. It was with much relief I splashed the cool water onto my face, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of it dripping off of my skin and hair... soaking into my clothing, probably, but I really didn't care. It was hardly important, after all.
After a few more moments I straightened, wiping off what water I could with my hands, the rest with a small white towel I had taken from the stack by the washbowl. Feeling better than I had for the last few hours, I hung the towel over the edge of the bowl and started to walk away when my attention was caught by my reflection. I turned, looking into the mirror... at my reflection, looking back at me.
I was struck once more by how much I looked like that boy, Luc... Or how he had looked like me. Identical in every way, but he had seemed so much older... his expression, perhaps, is what made him seem so.. or perhaps lack of such. To me, he had seemed bored, uninterested... unattached to this world, as he had said. That he felt nothing at all, save hate for this world.. and hate for me, more than anyone else. But also pity, he had said. Of all the people in the world, I was the only one he truly pitied....
Or had, at least. Now he was dead. No longer in this world he had despised so much, failed in his attempt to change destiny... I wondered if he had, at least, found some peace in death...
I was surprised to see my reflection looking so sad all of the sudden. Why would I be sad for this boy's death? He told me such horrible things, turned my life upside down, stole my rune, and attempted to kill millions of innocent people for his own purpose! Why would I feel sadness and compassion for someone like that?
Maybe it was because I was beginning to believe the things Luc had told me. When I had seen what was in that sealing crystal... when I had felt that shocking cold when he told me that I was created by Hikusaak only to keep the True Earth Rune from leaving Crystal Valley... That I was simply a means of keeping property from being stolen... that I -was- property. My own words which I had spoken to him that day, telling him that I would take him back to Harmonia because his Rune belonged the Circle Temple... that it was stolen by Leknaat so long ago... But we were the same, were we not? I was the same as he was. Property. Luc had pitied me for it.... and I now pitied him.
And perhaps I also pitied myself.
At the time, I could not afford to think about this truth that he told me... to do so would interefere with my mission. I could not let myself fall into such heavy self-contemplation or my allies would be in danger. More than that... If I had started to feel compassion for him, if I had wanted to believe that he were my brother, as he called me, I might have tried to help him reach his ends... The very thought of that made me shiver, my reflection looking suddenly ill. No... it was best that I saved such thoughts for this time, when I could have time to be alone with them. I wanted to resolve these questions in my mind and figure out where I was to go from here.
My thoughts once again drifted back to Luc's death, and how with it, many things had been lost to me. As I had realized earlier, I did not have the strength inside to ask for the truth from Hikusaak himself... and if I did ask, he might assure me that Luc was wrong, and that I should never question him again... or he may tell me that Luc was right, but that I could never leave... And if he could be so sinister... would he have me killed? Would he create another body, remove my Rune, and bestow it upon that living container, giving it life while mine was ended? The people would never notice, after all, for such a clone would be identical to me, would it not? My body, my personality.. if it had been created before, so easily could it be created again...
Shaking my head, I closed my eyes. To think such thoughts would only lead me deeper into despair and paranoia. I did realize, however... I could never ask Hikusaak. Opening my eyes again, I gazed once more upon my reflection... I don't think I had ever looked quite so lost and uncertain. It was truly unlike me... and more like Luc.
I frowned. Why did my thoughts keep going back to him? There was no point, really, he was dead, and I did not even really know him, either! I would never see him again.. and these thoughts of mine would only put myself in danger. I would never get the answers I sought, there was no way I could. Not anymore.
.....Truly... who was I kidding? I was in denial, this I realized... In a way, I had suffered a great loss with Luc's death. I had felt the doors on the truth closing in my face with the crumbling of the temple, and now I realized that now... now I was alone in this world with the truth of my existance. A heavy weight I would now have to bear forever... One that he bore for so long... My heart sinking, I leaned over on to the marble countertop and sighed, my eyes never leaving my reflection that gazed back at me sadly.
I wished... I wished in a way he had not died. Despite the horror that was what he told me, that connection between us... Our pasts linked by that same awful truth, we truly could have been brothers... And that was something to regret, truly.
And what now? Now that he was gone, only I and a few others were privy to the information he shared with me... I did not know what they would do with it, or if it was even important to them... I did not think it could be quite so important to them as it was to me... after all, they were secure in their own pasts, good or bad... at least they knew that theirs was real.
So it would appear that I would have to carry this burden myself.. Luc would want me to, I believe. If there was one thing I could do for his memory, that which has been stricken from our records and history... it is this. To remember who and what he was... and what I was. I could not forget it, as it was not my right. This knowledge given to me... I knew it would be both a gift and a curse, but the truth often was.
Slowly I placed my right hand on the glass of the mirror, standing up. My reflection stared back at me, sad, but determined as our hands lay against the other... More and more that image in the mirror looked like Luc gazing back at me in his infinite sadness and loneliness... Was this what I was to become, then? Was I to take his place? Or was I to do something different? My reflection gave no answer... But perhaps I already had one of my own.
"Though you do not exist in this world any longer, and no history book shall bear your name... You who so despised me, and you who pitied me, and yet entrusted me with a heavy burden to bear in your place... My brother who is not, there is little more I can do for you than bear this knowledge in what wisdom I may posess. You never existed, you never lived... this is what remains of your efforts to change the course of destiny. But I, and those who knew you... we shall continue to remember you as you truly were. As misled, as tortured, as numb to the world as you may have thought yourself... To think of you as anything but human is a discredit to myself as well.
"You did not see, Luc, that in seeing your destiny... that is what gives us the power to change it. What Leknaat sees in the stars.. how they guide the fates of this world... I can understand, now. For each star in the sky, there is a man or woman on this earth... a person who, by simply living their lives as best they can, changes the world around them in ways they may never understand. Leknaat does not understand, either, that in the end... it is not the stars that guide our lives, but the people in this world... it is mankind who changes the future, more than any god or rune."
I placed my other hand upon the glass, staring into the eyes of my brother... of myself, as well. And both of us smiled gently.
"Luc... When we die, our souls return to the sky from which we were given life. But part of you shall remain in all of us, my brother, living on as a memory... A memory that will guide our actions from now until we pass on to join you among the stars."
~~~Fin~~~
A Suikoden fanfiction by Shadra D
[Disclaimer: Genso Suikoden and its characters are copyrights of Konami and Konami Tokyo. Used without permission for entertainment purposes only.]
~~~
"No, Sir Hikusaak, the current whereabouts of the True Wind Rune are unknown. It disappeared when the ruins crumbled."
"I see. And what of its bearer?"
".... he is dead, my lord."
"Hmm. And what of the other True Runes?"
"I was only able to recover the True Earth Rune, my lord. The others--"
"It is of no consequence, at the moment. I can afford to be patient."
"Yes, my lord."
"Is there anything else you wish to speak to me about, my child?"
"........."
".....?"
".... No, my lord."
"Very well. Return to your suite and recover from your ordeal. I will call upon you in a few days time."
"... My thanks, Sir Hikusaak."
"Be well, my child."
Silently cursing my own weakness, I stood, bowing once more to Hikusaak and then taking my leave of his chambers. Indeed, I was grateful for his graciousness in allowing me time to recover.. but at the same time, his words felt so false, as if he were privy to some joke that I knew nothing of, and the very fact amused him.
Perhaps I was simply feeling insecure, perhaps even paranoid. I had wanted to much, inside, to ask him if it was true... If it was true that I was nothing more than a man-shaped container for a True Rune. If I had been created, given life, and used to bear this cursed True Earth Rune for Hikusaak's purposes alone. I would have asked that man... I would have asked him such things if I had the strength to do so.
"Lord Sasarai, is there anything you need?" asked one of my attendants as I reached the doors to my private suite. Shaking my head, I opened the door and started to enter.
"There is nothing I require, Danna, but thank you," I replied, somewhat distractedly. The young girl nodded, smiling slightly and bowing before she began to move off, quick footsteps echoing down the hallway. I watched her leave, wondering if I had offended her somehow. I had not meant to, really... but what was there to be done now? Nothing at all...
Shutting the door behind me, I began to remove the outer jacket of my uniform, cursing under my breath at the complexity of such an outfit. Usually I would have some attendant help me with the more complicated ties and clips, but as I was alone at the moment, I had to do the best I could. Finally I was rid of the stuffy thing, tossing it on a chair as I made my way over to the silver washbowl by the large mirror. It was with much relief I splashed the cool water onto my face, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of it dripping off of my skin and hair... soaking into my clothing, probably, but I really didn't care. It was hardly important, after all.
After a few more moments I straightened, wiping off what water I could with my hands, the rest with a small white towel I had taken from the stack by the washbowl. Feeling better than I had for the last few hours, I hung the towel over the edge of the bowl and started to walk away when my attention was caught by my reflection. I turned, looking into the mirror... at my reflection, looking back at me.
I was struck once more by how much I looked like that boy, Luc... Or how he had looked like me. Identical in every way, but he had seemed so much older... his expression, perhaps, is what made him seem so.. or perhaps lack of such. To me, he had seemed bored, uninterested... unattached to this world, as he had said. That he felt nothing at all, save hate for this world.. and hate for me, more than anyone else. But also pity, he had said. Of all the people in the world, I was the only one he truly pitied....
Or had, at least. Now he was dead. No longer in this world he had despised so much, failed in his attempt to change destiny... I wondered if he had, at least, found some peace in death...
I was surprised to see my reflection looking so sad all of the sudden. Why would I be sad for this boy's death? He told me such horrible things, turned my life upside down, stole my rune, and attempted to kill millions of innocent people for his own purpose! Why would I feel sadness and compassion for someone like that?
Maybe it was because I was beginning to believe the things Luc had told me. When I had seen what was in that sealing crystal... when I had felt that shocking cold when he told me that I was created by Hikusaak only to keep the True Earth Rune from leaving Crystal Valley... That I was simply a means of keeping property from being stolen... that I -was- property. My own words which I had spoken to him that day, telling him that I would take him back to Harmonia because his Rune belonged the Circle Temple... that it was stolen by Leknaat so long ago... But we were the same, were we not? I was the same as he was. Property. Luc had pitied me for it.... and I now pitied him.
And perhaps I also pitied myself.
At the time, I could not afford to think about this truth that he told me... to do so would interefere with my mission. I could not let myself fall into such heavy self-contemplation or my allies would be in danger. More than that... If I had started to feel compassion for him, if I had wanted to believe that he were my brother, as he called me, I might have tried to help him reach his ends... The very thought of that made me shiver, my reflection looking suddenly ill. No... it was best that I saved such thoughts for this time, when I could have time to be alone with them. I wanted to resolve these questions in my mind and figure out where I was to go from here.
My thoughts once again drifted back to Luc's death, and how with it, many things had been lost to me. As I had realized earlier, I did not have the strength inside to ask for the truth from Hikusaak himself... and if I did ask, he might assure me that Luc was wrong, and that I should never question him again... or he may tell me that Luc was right, but that I could never leave... And if he could be so sinister... would he have me killed? Would he create another body, remove my Rune, and bestow it upon that living container, giving it life while mine was ended? The people would never notice, after all, for such a clone would be identical to me, would it not? My body, my personality.. if it had been created before, so easily could it be created again...
Shaking my head, I closed my eyes. To think such thoughts would only lead me deeper into despair and paranoia. I did realize, however... I could never ask Hikusaak. Opening my eyes again, I gazed once more upon my reflection... I don't think I had ever looked quite so lost and uncertain. It was truly unlike me... and more like Luc.
I frowned. Why did my thoughts keep going back to him? There was no point, really, he was dead, and I did not even really know him, either! I would never see him again.. and these thoughts of mine would only put myself in danger. I would never get the answers I sought, there was no way I could. Not anymore.
.....Truly... who was I kidding? I was in denial, this I realized... In a way, I had suffered a great loss with Luc's death. I had felt the doors on the truth closing in my face with the crumbling of the temple, and now I realized that now... now I was alone in this world with the truth of my existance. A heavy weight I would now have to bear forever... One that he bore for so long... My heart sinking, I leaned over on to the marble countertop and sighed, my eyes never leaving my reflection that gazed back at me sadly.
I wished... I wished in a way he had not died. Despite the horror that was what he told me, that connection between us... Our pasts linked by that same awful truth, we truly could have been brothers... And that was something to regret, truly.
And what now? Now that he was gone, only I and a few others were privy to the information he shared with me... I did not know what they would do with it, or if it was even important to them... I did not think it could be quite so important to them as it was to me... after all, they were secure in their own pasts, good or bad... at least they knew that theirs was real.
So it would appear that I would have to carry this burden myself.. Luc would want me to, I believe. If there was one thing I could do for his memory, that which has been stricken from our records and history... it is this. To remember who and what he was... and what I was. I could not forget it, as it was not my right. This knowledge given to me... I knew it would be both a gift and a curse, but the truth often was.
Slowly I placed my right hand on the glass of the mirror, standing up. My reflection stared back at me, sad, but determined as our hands lay against the other... More and more that image in the mirror looked like Luc gazing back at me in his infinite sadness and loneliness... Was this what I was to become, then? Was I to take his place? Or was I to do something different? My reflection gave no answer... But perhaps I already had one of my own.
"Though you do not exist in this world any longer, and no history book shall bear your name... You who so despised me, and you who pitied me, and yet entrusted me with a heavy burden to bear in your place... My brother who is not, there is little more I can do for you than bear this knowledge in what wisdom I may posess. You never existed, you never lived... this is what remains of your efforts to change the course of destiny. But I, and those who knew you... we shall continue to remember you as you truly were. As misled, as tortured, as numb to the world as you may have thought yourself... To think of you as anything but human is a discredit to myself as well.
"You did not see, Luc, that in seeing your destiny... that is what gives us the power to change it. What Leknaat sees in the stars.. how they guide the fates of this world... I can understand, now. For each star in the sky, there is a man or woman on this earth... a person who, by simply living their lives as best they can, changes the world around them in ways they may never understand. Leknaat does not understand, either, that in the end... it is not the stars that guide our lives, but the people in this world... it is mankind who changes the future, more than any god or rune."
I placed my other hand upon the glass, staring into the eyes of my brother... of myself, as well. And both of us smiled gently.
"Luc... When we die, our souls return to the sky from which we were given life. But part of you shall remain in all of us, my brother, living on as a memory... A memory that will guide our actions from now until we pass on to join you among the stars."
~~~Fin~~~