A/N: Takes place after MC had her talk with Saeran. This specific thing was not supposed to happen next. I was supposed to write something cute and funny. It became this instead. I suppose Reset MC really needs this talk though.
It was one of those rare nights when Saeyoung had decided it would be alright to stay at your apartment. It wouldn't be long now, you knew, before you would be moving out of it and into his house, though. Boxes were stacked in the corners of your room, but the amount of them was minimal. You didn't own much that you wanted to bring with you. You felt detachment from most of the items you owned. It was a feeling you weren't sure would ever go away. Although you knew that time wouldn't reset on you again, it didn't mean the effects of so many resets weren't still with you. You felt disconnected to the world tethered only in the moment when Saeyoung would touch you or you would hear his voice. Even then it wasn't always enough. It scared you.
Tonight you two would stay in the apartment together, and then tomorrow all of your stuff would be moved to Saeyoung's house. You would be living with the two brothers in a much larger place than you were used to. You still had memories of living together with Jumin in his large penthouse suite. Saeyoung's house was even larger and much more open. It was a studio apartment that was completely underground. Safe from attacks. A cell that trapped you in with Saeran.
No, that was wrong. You could leave at any time. You wouldn't be trapped there. There wasn't a bomb in the house. Saeyoung had assured you that leaving the house was much easier than entering it. Still you could feel anxiety under your skin at the thought of moving in with him.
You sighed and pressed a hand to your eyes to rub them. You hated this part of yourself. You loathed it so much.
Your name was called before arms wrapped gently around your waist from behind. It was only when your automatic tensing relaxed did the arms wrap tighter and you felt Saeyoung pressed a kiss to your neck. "What's wrong?" He murmured into your skin.
You didn't particularly want to worry him with your thoughts. It was bad enough you were having them, but telling Saeyoung would be even worse. You didn't want to give him the impression that you didn't want to live with him. You did want to live with him. You wanted out of that apartment and to be as close to him as you could. You hated living alone. You were just scared of his brother. It was still a work in progress, your relationship with Saeran. Saeyoung knew this. He knew that it wasn't easy for you to live under the same roof as the man who had killed you before. Saeyoung didn't need the reminder. You needed to get over it.
He said that you could rely on him, but you didn't want to make him choose between his feelings for you and his love of his brother. Saeyoung deserved to be happy. You were fine. You could be fine. You didn't need to worry him.
"I'm alright." You responded, placing your hands on his and leaning your head back against his shoulder. His glasses frames pressed into your neck as he nosed at it. You wondered if he could still smell the anxiety oil you used on yourself now. You had used it hours ago, though.
Like this was perfect. Feeling his arms around you. His warmth and strength. There were days you wished that you were as small as you often felt so that he could fully wrap you up in himself. It was unrealistic, though, considering you were nearly as tall as he was. You contented yourself with what you had as he continued to press lingering chaste kisses to your skin. You could practically feel your tension bleeding out of you like the kisses were tiny holes in your neck.
"Liar." He breathed. His hands massaged your hips to show he wasn't angry and he began to rock a bit with you. You closed your eyes at the sensation. "Tell me what's wrong."
You couldn't and you wouldn't. Sorry, Saeyoung.
"Just tired. And ready for tomorrow to come so I can leave this apartment." You could at least tell him that much. You turned around in his grip so that you were nose-to-nose. You reached up to slip off his glasses and clip them to your shirt before smiling gently. Even then you could tell it didn't fully reach your eyes. Some days were harder than others. It just looked like this was going to be one of those days. Dammit all.
"You don't have to lie to me." He told you quietly, sadly. "Just tell me if you don't want to talk about it. I'll understand."
Why did he have to be so understanding? Why didn't he understand that you wouldn't mind talking about it? That part of you wanted this huge weight off of your chest? But there was no way you could burden him with the weight. He knew your pain. You two had discussed it before, although not in-depth. Why wasn't that enough for you? Why was the weight still there? Your chest was so heavy. The burden was hard to deal with.
You didn't respond, but your smile disappeared. Your gaze dropped to his collarbones, unable to look him the eye due to your shame. You hated yourself.
"Sorry." He said. He tilted his head down and aimed a kiss at your lips. You accepted it eagerly. He pressed another kiss there and another. "Sorry, I don't want to pressure you to talk. Tell me off sometimes if I'm bothering you, honey."
"You're not bothering me." You denied. "But don't stop kissing me. That is definitely bothering me." He huffed a laugh, a true smile appearing on his lips. You returned it as some of the heavy atmosphere dissipated. "Come back here already! Jeeeeeeeez, you keep running! Rude!" You cupped his jaw and kissed him properly. He hummed against your mouth and pulled you closer to him. Heat danced over and under your skin as you pressed him backwards to fall onto the bed. The bounce broke your kiss before you both were back again, hungrier this time.
"Let's christen the bed one last time before we get rid of it." Saeyoung suggested with a sinful grin on his face. You laughed and wiggled out of your shirt to toss over the side of the bed. Saeyoung took in the sight of you kneeling over his lap and pressed his hands to your stomach, wrapping his fingers around the curve of your hipbones and running his thumbs along your skin. It sent shivers through your body.
"Gladly." You announced with delight. That was something you could do.
Later, as you two lay staring at the ceiling and yawning while the thrumming of pleasure in your blood calmed down, Saeyoung spoke again. His voice was different now, hesitant to ruin the mood but determined to speak. That tone of voice always made you nervous. You suddenly had a feeling that he had initiated coitus specifically for the reason of calming you down before he had approached this new topic.
"Babe . . ." He murmured.
"Can this wait?" You cut him off before he continued. "I don't want to discuss serious topics right now." You wanted to enjoy your afterglow and curl up with him under the covers. You wanted to enjoy how the sheets felt against your bare skin and maybe run your fingers along Saeyoung's side again. Reassure yourself of his presence in your life. Kiss his swollen lips more.
"I really think I should say this." Saeyoung protested, rolling onto his side to face you. "It needs to be said. I think you need to hear it."
Why why why?
You sighed. He reached for your hand and you allowed him to twine your fingers together with his. You wouldn't be able to deny him anything. "What is it?" You reluctantly asked.
He pressed a kiss to the back of your hand and met your eyes squarely. "I think you should see a therapist."
You were stunned. Out of everything you had expected him to say, that certainly wasn't one of them. You had thought he was going to try to confront you again about moving in with him (he had already asked you multiple times if you were sure about it), but he hadn't. This was . . . this wasn't something you knew how to respond to.
"What?" You asked dumbly.
"A therapist. I think you would feel better if you went to one."
You furrowed your brows, baffled. How would a therapist help you? "What for?"
"You have PTSD." He told you softly. "And I think you need to talk to someone about it."
Was this seriously happening right now? Was Saeyoung really giving you an intervention right after sex? What the hell was this? "I don't need to have a therapist." You denied. "And I talk to you."
"No you don't." He kept his voice kind. There was no accusation there, only a sad acceptance. "You can't tell me everything, and I understand that. You won't talk to me about your feelings towards Saeran or what happened to you in past timelines relating to him. And I think that's one of the most important things you need to talk about. You can't keep them bottled up."
"I've talked to you about it before." You argued, squeezing his hand tighter. "And yes, I'm still scared. But that doesn't mean I'm not getting better at it."
"I still think you should have someone you can talk to. Someone who isn't part of our situation."
"Someone who isn't part of our situation wouldn't understand." You informed him bitterly, unable to keep your anger and frustration out of your tone. "That's not even talking about how they wouldn't even believe me. I would be deemed crazy for thinking time kept resetting on me."
Saeyoung appeared grim at this reminder, but determined. "Whether they believe you or not, you need this."
"I need you to stop thinking you know what's best for me. I've survived without your opinions in my life before." You snapped, abruptly stealing your hand away from him and rolling over to face away. Resentment boiled through your limbs as you curled in on yourself. Nobody would be able to understand what you were feeling. It wasn't like war victims or anything like that. If you told anyone that time would reset on you and that you had been murdered before multiple times and had suffered heartbreak after heartbreak, then you would most likely get a sympathetic nod and medication to numb you. You didn't want that. You hated how you felt, but at least you could feel. You didn't want any kind of medication and you certainly couldn't talk to anybody about it.
You could deal with this alone. You had done it before.
Saeyoung was silent for a long time. Your eyes teared up but you refused to cry. Instead you glared steadily at the wall as your nails scratched at your legs idly. Occasionally you dug them into your skin to the point of pain before releasing them. Minutes ticked by without either of you saying anything. The atmosphere was suffocating you. You were supposed to be pleasantly wrapped together in his arms and preparing to sleep off a lovely orgasm, not be dealing with this pit of poison in your stomach.
You heard Saeyoung inhale softly, "I don't want you to feel the way you do anymore." He told you quietly. "Call me selfish, but I can't bear to watch you in so much pain anymore. You say that you're fine with moving in with me and Saeran, but I can tell you're not 100% okay. You're scared. I don't want you to be scared in your own house. I want you to be comfortable. Safe. I just . . . I think you deserve to be happy."
You couldn't stay angry with his words. Resentment was still in you, but depression was rapidly taking a hold of you. His voice was so broken. You didn't want him to feel that way either.
"Can't I just be happy that way I am now?" You whimpered out, fighting the tightening in your throat.
"I don't think you can be." Saeyoung responded. "You need some help. It's okay."
"Saeyoung, I can't even tell anyone else in the RFA what happened. And I had loved and married most of them. I can't talk to them about what happened to me. About what happened between us. About who I am now compared to who I was with them. I can't even remember who I was with them half of the time. There are days where I'm not even sure I exist because all I can think about is how I feel like everything is meaningless. That before I know it I'll be back in my old apartment with stuff I don't have any attachment to and a message from Unknown once again.
How the hell am I going to explain about Mint Eye and what it feels like to be drugged up? To watch you be tortured by your own brother? How it felt to be murdered and know I will be soon living with him? How I don't hate him but I still flinch when he gets too close?" Your voice was starting to break. You tried to hold yourself together. "I can't feel grounded in this timeline because I'm always terrified. I want to be happy -and I am happy with you!- but then I feel horrible. I feel like I'm about to die all over again. I can feel the depression pressing down on me. Choking me. And I'm so angry. There are days I want to scream. And break things. But I can't. Because I-" You choked off with a sob. Saeyoung's arms wrapped around you from behind, holding you.
"Saeyoung," You whimpered through your sobs, "how can you ex-expect me to talk to some stranger and be deemed insane? I can't bear it!"
Saeyoung held you tighter. You could hear his own gasping breaths as his body trembled against yours. He was restraining himself. "Because you can't talk to me about it." Saeyoung finally got out, his voice watery. "And you need something. Anything to help you. And I'm too useless to do so."
"You're not useless." You denied immediately.
"I am when it comes to this." He pressed kisses to your shoulders and spine. Hot, damp, shuddering breaths were breathed out against your skin. His arms were too tight around you. Your hands dug into your sheets and clenched hard. "Please . . . please just think about it. I want you to be happy again."
"I'm happy with you." You told him once more. "I really am, Saeyoung."
"I know you are. But I want to see you more happy. I want to see you smile at me and play like you did when you were with Yoosung. I want you to dance with me in that flowing way you had with Zen at your wedding. I want you to trust me as much as you trusted Jaehee. I want you to need me as much as you and Jumin needed each other. I want to make your life as perfect as I can make it under these circumstances. But first we need to figure out how."
You closed your eyes. I didn't know how to do it. You didn't know how to get rid of this weight on you. How could you feel so much pleasure and joy from being with Saeyoung and still hate your life so much? It was suffocating. You felt like dying. Part of you wanted to die just to stop all of it even as the very thought of dying again made you cringe. The dissonance wrecked you. And Saeyoung could see it. He could see all of it, you realized. You hadn't fooled him even once. He was a man watching you drown but didn't know how to swim in order to rescue you. Had you always been so obvious, or did he just know you that well? Did he know the feeling as well?
"I . . . I don't know." You finally said. You pressed the heels of your hands to your eyes. "I don't know if I can do it, Saeyoung."
"That's okay." Saeyoung promised. "It's okay if you're not ready. I just want you to think about it. Please."
"What made you even think of this?" You asked as you tried to regain some of your equilibrium. "You . . . don't seem the type to think of therapy."
"I've been thinking about it more because of Saeran." He confessed. "The doctors recommended it for him, but he's refused so far. Back in the agency there was a therapist as well . . . the agency was still a shithole who didn't care for those who worked for it, but they still needed their agents in working order mentally. I've seen it help them. I . . . I don't know. I thought it could help you too."
It was the only lifeline he had to throw because he couldn't swim. You understood that.
Your hands came down to grab his. He lift his hand so that he could link his fingers with yours. You couldn't bring yourself to turn and face him. Not yet.
"I'll think about it." You finally promised. "I can't guarantee I'll do it . . . but I'll think about it."
"Thank you." Saeyoung murmured. He temporarily freed his hand so as to pull the blanket over you both before he returned to holding your hand. You closed your sore eyes. Tonight would be your last night in this apartment. You knew in your heart of hearts that time would not reset again. That you would be safe. That you never had to see this place ever again if you had the choice. And you did have the choice.
Maybe once you were free from this place, you could start to heal. You may be able to talk normally to Saeran again once you lived around him and saw that he acted differently. Maybe you wouldn't need to talk to anyone about your feelings. Maybe you'll be able to tell Saeyoung one day. Maybe you would be able to talk with your past lovers and tell them the truth about everything. Maybe they'll be accepting. Maybe the thought of a therapist wasn't too bad.
You didn't know. You would see how you felt in the morning. At that moment you just wanted to be in that moment with Saeyoung. Cherish the feeling of him with you. Everything else would be dealt with at a later date. Tomorrow was another day.