I Want To Tell You But I Can't
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The pounding in his head made it difficult to keep up with the discussion going on between Dean and John over the inexplicable disappearance of the Kitsune they'd been hunting for the past week.
Occasionally Dean would turn his head and cast a speculative glance at Sam in the back seat of the Impala, as if he sensed that his little brother had something 'off' about him. Sam let loose a breath of relief when Dean gave him one last lingering look and re-engaged in the conversation he was having with his father.
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"It's freakin' annoying we didn't manage to take out the Kitsune, Dean," John fumed. "She was close by. I know she was." he declared ultra-pissed.
"Come on, dad. Now and then there's gonna be one that gets away," Dean answered, trying to soothe his father's ruffled feathers. "Maybe she was brighter than your average monster."
"Yeah, maybe," John shrugged, not wholly convinced. It was rare that John Winchester, hunter extraordinaire, failed to gank any monster in his sights.
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Sam kept as impassive and still as he could, for Dean was more sensitive than any psychic as far as his kid brother was concerned, and could interpret his slightest movements as clearly as any words.
The youngest Winchester knew perfectly well what had happened to the Kitsune. Amy, her young daughter had killed her to save Sam's life and he had let the teen go in acknowledgement of her action.
He just couldn't bring himself to kill her, monster or not. In some way he had recognised in her a kindred spirit, a 'freak' as he often considered himself; but if dad ever found out what he'd done, Sam knew he would turn the Impala around and head off after her; moreover John would tear him a new one for not having come clean about it and he would never hear the end of it.
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Though John's anger would be less than pleasant, Sam was well aware that Dean's chewing out when he got him alone would be even worse.
Sam had never had a mother and no experience on how one would react when her child was in danger, but he reckoned that Dean was more maternal that the most fervent of mothers as far as he was concerned.
Dean had protected him like a tiger protects her cub, from the first moment Sam had been conscious of having a big brother, and when Dean was afraid for him, his fear was expressed in raging anger if he thought that Sam had stupidly put himself in the path of danger; and the affair with Amy definitely came under that!
While Dean's over-protectiveness made Sam feel safe and loved, it did have it's down side in that it was difficult to keep anything hidden from his perceptive older brother.
He would have to be very careful about Amy until John found another hunt and the escaped Kitsune was forgotten.
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Sam sighed and immediately his personal watch-dog turned, studying him. "Something wrong, Sammy," Dean asked.
'Oh shit,' Sam swore silently, kicking himself for having so carelessly attracted Dean's attention.
"No Dean," he hedged. "I'm fine."
"You look a little peaky to me," Dean insisted.
"Na, I got a headache, is all," Sam answered. Dean had realised something was up with him so he was just as well giving him a half-truth. He did have a pounding headache so Dean would hopefully settle for that.
"A headache? " Dean's voice took on a worried tone.
"Yeah, too much poring over antique books with tiny almost illegible script in them. I probably just strained my eyes or something," he said nonchalantly, offering a watery smile.
Before Dean had a chance to reply, John broke in. "I know what'll do the trick then," he declared confidently. "You need an open-air work-out, Sammy You're overdue for some training anyway; physical exercise and fresh air'll get rid of it."
"It's Sam," he retorted automatically, while he inwardly groaned. He hated training.
His dad was a hard task-master, a perfectionist and Sam knew that even if he was improving by leaps and bounds, he would never have the love for hand to hand combat that Dean had, but this time he was okay with it; better to have dad occupied with training, than wondering about the Kitsune.
He just hoped the head-ache would have disappeared by then, though he knew Dean would toss him a couple of pain-killers as soon as he could.
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They pulled up in front of the motel and John stomped off towards the room while Dean slowly pushed open the door and waited for Sam to exit the car.
He draped an arm around Sam's neck and pulled him to his side.
"How's the headache, Sammy?" he asked concerned. "You sure that's all it is?"
Sam leaned into him. The comfort he received from his brother's touch and unique scent never failed to soothe him. If he could magically bottle and sell it, he'd make a fortune.
"Yeah, nothing an hour or so laid out on the bed won't fix, " Sam assured, hating to hide anything from Dean but knowing that in this case it was imperative.
He wanted Amy to get away safely.
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Trust him to pick a girl that he could never have had any hope of being with, he mused. How unlucky could he be hitting on a female monster! It was even more bitter given the fact that he had really liked Amy. They had instantly bonded in their short time together before everything had gone to hell when her mother had shown up.
Since the day he had found out about hunting, John had impressed on him that all monster were evil and had to be eliminated, but in his young heart he had often wondered if there could be good and bad monsters just as there were good and bad humans.
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However Dean seemed to have accepted his explanation as he ruffled his hair.
"So Squirt, did you put my expert advice on how to talk to girls to good use?" he smirked. "Was she cute? Knowing you, she had thick glasses and was a total geek!"
"Dean," Sam whined struggling energetically, as his sibling continued to tousle his hair into a fac-simile of a bird's nest.
"Come on, Sammy, share with the class! I want to know all the gory details. My little brother is finally starting to notice that girls exist. It's a historic moment! I bet she was studying in the library and your hands romantically touched as you both went for the same book on ' Rare Himalayan Dolls' or something," Dean teased.
Sam tried to hold back, but Dean was just so ridiculous at times that he snorted and laughed up at his brother.
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"That's my boy. We'll turn you into a lady-killer yet, in true Dean Winchester fashion," Dean smirked, happy to have provoked a light-hearted moment in his oft too serious little brother.
"How's the head?" he continued. "Better?"
Sam nodded. The pounding had lessened to a buzz. It had probably been caused by the stress of having to face John after his brush-in with the Kitsune.
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Sam had always been one who prayed, even more since he had found out about the underworld of monster, but his most fervent pleas were always for Dean.
He knew he would be lost without hs big brother. Dean was the only one who could make him feel safe; even his powerful father didn't convey the feeling of 'safe' that Dean gave him. He wondered at that, but he shrugged it off. All he needed was his big brother. He was convinced that as long as he had Dean looking out for him, he would always be secure.
Sam looked up at him in hero-worship. He wanted nothing more than to be like his big brother.
Dean received and returned his gaze, and as happened each time their eyes caught, the shining souls hidden behind them strengthened their hold on each other.
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The End
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I really like this episode and the glimpse we get into a young Sam. A pity we didn't get a young Dean too. It would have been the icing on the cake. :)