Lies to Myself

I always held my pride in saying that I would be happy on my own without being in a relationship. Is it time to swallow my pride? I've always been happy with Ren but at the same time I felt that I'd be able to live on without him. Lately I've been lonely, even with him by my side. I love Ren but when I'm with him it feels like something's missing. I'm not as complete as I used to be.

I thought I knew what I wanted. I have time to spend with Ren now yet I feel an emptiness inside when we're together. The love is there but where's the happiness? I want to be with him so why am I thinking this way? If I let him go will I really be able to last on my own? Why do I want to be alone? I wouldn't throw away Ren's love like garbage so why am I even considering leaving him? We'd both be heartbroken...

Yasu. I love you Yasu like a brother, a father even. He's always been here for me to rely on. I don't want to rely on him forever but I'm so comfortable knowing that he's here with me. My shoulder to cry on, my back for support. I know he cares for me deeply and I care for him. I care for him tremendously.
This empty feeling I get when I'm with Ren subsides when I'm with Yasu. In fact it completely disappears. I don't love Yasu. No, I can't love Yasu. I think I do. I do. That thought doesn't worry me, it only makes me comfortable with this situation. I want to love Yasu because I know he loves me.

Ren will never understand. I barely do myself. He would never forgive me. I don't think I'd forgive myself...

Last night I went to see Ren. We sat on his bed in silence. I told him something was wrong and I needed to set things right, and I got up and left. He followed me out to the hallway but I turned my back on him and walked away. He turned me around and looked into my eyes. He looked hurt. He knew what I was thinking and how I felt. I could see that he was holding back tears.

"Nana. Don't. Don't leave me. I need you. I need you." he kept saying. I could feel my eyes getting misty and took a few steps back.
"I sorry. I'm sorry." I kept repeating. How could I do this? It was cold hearted and shallow. I couldn't even tell him why I was leaving him? That's the least I could've done. But if I had told him the truth, why I couldn't be with him anymore, it would only make things worse.

I went straight to Yasu's house. I knocked and when he answered I fell into his arms crying. He caught me like he always did and closed the door. We sat on the bed together and he patted my back.
"Nana what's wrong? It's ok just tell me."
I tried to focus on getting the words out of my mouth but they were stuck. What had I done? Why did I always drag Yasu into everything? Well this time it was actually because of him that I was acting so foolish. I hugged him tight and he hugged me back.
"What is it? Nana-" I put my lips to his and he didn't flinch. He leaned in and held my hand.
"I told Ren- I - I told him that-" I couldn't speak. Yasu squeezed my hand.
"Nana. I- this- uh." he frowned. No. No he couldn't possibly be rejecting me….? No. No I know he loves me. I know it. I began to cry harder. Yasu kissed me again. So he does. He does? Please Yasu love me. I love you.
"Well there's no hiding it any longer. I only kept it hidden because of Ren. You didn't have to leave him. You should have waited. He was going to marry you. That would've been best." he said.
"But, that's not what I want." I told him. These words of his, passed through me and I felt guilty. Horribly guilty. "I was wrong wasn't I? I was stupid. He hates me. I hate myself. Yasu why am I so stupid?" I cried in his arms.
"You're not so stupid for telling me how you feel." he smiled slightly. "Now you'd be really stupid if you didn't tell me you loved me." I smiled now.
"I love you Yasu. I can say that without being drunk."

I love love looooovvvvve Nana Osaki and Yasu! :D
NANA+YASU NANA+YASU NANA+YASU = HORRAY!