It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
without you next to me I
toss
and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to
life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still
believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew by Shinedown
The room was blanketed in darkness; the alarm clock emitted a low red hue in the corner as Shawn stared dismally at the shadows weaving across the hotel wall.
He could see the moon shining through the chink in the curtains, blossomed by the stars he shifted slightly feeling the cold sheets chafe beneath him.
He rolled over so that the digital numbers flashed into view, 4:03am beamed out at him, mocking his restless state. He emitted a heavy sigh of fatigue, felt the tiredness wash over his body but still found he could not succumb to sleep, the hallowed bliss of slumber continued to evade him as he tossed and turned in the blackness.
Every time he closed his eyes he could see the beige car, loaded with all of Kevin and Scott's belongings as they prepared to drive away, prepared to leave – no prepared to abandon – him here alone.
For that's exactly what Kevin had done; he'd loved him and left him, had chosen to discard Shawn in favour of the lucrative allure of WCW in Atlanta.
That pill was still far too bitter for Shawn to swallow, he exhaled with frustration as time ticked by, and he rolled onto his back, kicked off the heavy blankets so that the warm spring air caressed his semi naked torso.
He sighed again, the soft cloud of confusion tinged with resentment. Kevin had promised him that they'd stay together no matter what, no matter how much heat they got from the boys, no matter how much adversity they faced as a couple, they were together forever.
Shawn kicked at the blankets, his bare feet thumping rhythmically against the mattress, venting his fury on the innocent bedding.
Some forever. They'd barely reached a year.
They'd papered over a multitude of cracks, had glossed over drug abuse and drinking demons in favour of sex and comfort. Their chemistry was great even if their psyche was crumbling.
No matter how many petty arguments they had, or how many pills he took, Shawn knew when push came to shove Kevin was his.
All the harsh words in the world couldn't make Kev leave, he was Kevin – he was always there – no matter what.
Only it turned out fate had different plans.
Shawn hadn't accounted on WCW factoring into his already unstable relationship.
The money pit had claimed Kevin and Shawn had been left to struggle through the sea of turmoil he was drowning in alone. He'd taken his lover's leaving hard, his paranoia flaring and strengthening the more time Kev spent with Scott in the days leading to their departure.
In his mind he was being deserted for Scott, he was being cast aside for someone less likely to berate and belittle.
But just because he was blunt didn't mean he was heartless. He loved Kev with every fibre of his being.
Shawn rolled onto his side, closed his eyes to the vast and empty bed before him. He could feel the tears birthing in sapphire pools of sorrow as the endless loneliness engulfed him.
He was so used to having Kevin by his side to keep him warm, to blanket him with security. Without him he felt so vulnerable and helpless.
He need him like a child needed a cherished toy, he kept denying Kev as the reason for his insomnia but knew that if he could feel those affectionate arms around him once more that sleep would come to him in an instant.
The first tear trickled over the bridge of his nose accompanied by a soft sob of defeat, his heart was heavy against his tight chest and he struggled to breath through a tidal wave of grief.
The tears intensified as he mourned his lover, for their dead relationship. No matter what whispered promises Kevin had offered as solace prior to his leaving Shawn knew their relationship was now null and void.
He wiped his face roughly, smeared beads of sadness into oblivion as he clambered from bed. He needed sleep and lying here sobbing over Kevin wasn't going to soothe him.
He hiccoughed as he cast his teary gaze around the hotel room, felt his spirits soar at the sight of the mini bar. If anything could drown his sorrow it was alcohol.
He brought the shot of whiskey back to bed with him, wrapped himself in his duvet and relished the scalding burn the liquor left on his throat as he gulped it. He wiped his mouth and without a second thought stumbled across the room for more.
Hunter jolted from his sleep as the door slammed; he was a light sleeper and the harsh bang of the adjoining door startled him into consciousness.
He stared through blearily orbs at Shawn's stumbling form, watched disorientated as the elder man weaved his way across the room until he crashed into the bed.
"What the fuck you doing Shawnie?" he groaned swivelling in his bed to note the time. His alarm clock mockingly flashed 5:30am at him and he moaned even louder with disgust.
"Shh!" hissed Shawn drunkenly as he slid against Hunter; he groped sluggishly for the covers, landing on his friend who gasped from his impact.
"Shawn –"
Any protest died as soon as Shawn's lips met his, the elder man meshed his mouth hungrily against Hunter's, desperately sought comfort from him. He wanted to feel needed, he wanted warmth and comfort – he craved fulfilment and would do anything to fill the vast emptiness inside him.
He straddled the younger man, kissed him roughly as he fingered the buttons on Hunter's jeans.
He faltered as Hunter roughly swatted him away.
"What the hell are you doing?" questioned Hunter breathlessly, his face flushed. He looked into wounded eyes, wrenched with hurt and intoxication.
"I just, I-"
Shawn's whisper floated on a sour cloud of alcohol but his lips trembled like a lost child.
Hunter slid from beneath him, shifted slightly so that Shawn was sat facing him.
The uneasy silence suffocated them as they sat in the pale greying light as night weaned to dawn.
"You can't just come into my room and try fuck me. At least buy me dinner first" he cracked trying his hardest to ease the tension.
"I'm sorry" croaked Shawn, his eyes watering, " I was just lying there thinking, thinking about Kev and, a-and you were here –"
" So you thought I'd be the next best thing?"
Hunter's tone was dry, tinged with annoyance.
" No I-"
"You get completely wasted on whiskey and God knows what else and then come stumbling in here expecting me to help you screw all your little problems away?" barked Hunter furiously
"I didn't-"whimpered Shawn brokenly, "I'm sorry, I just, I wanted someone to care"
"I do care!" spat Hunter furiously
" I know, that's why, that's why I came in here. I came because you're the only one who stayed" cried Shawn bursting into tears.
Hunter sighed, felt the anger thaw momentarily to pity. He could understand Shawn's anguish.
"Hey, come on don't do that" he said softly, his calming words sliced through the blackness overpowering Shawn's muffled weeping.
"Sorry" hiccupped Shawn trying his hardest to stifle his sobs.
Hunter pulled him into an embrace, rubbed the small of his back soothingly as Shawn melted against him, clutching at him like a drowning man would cling to a raft.
"Shawn, did you come in here for me or Kev?" asked Hunter quietly
He awaited Shawn's response.
None came.
"Because, if all you came in here for was some mindless fuck to take your mind off Kevin then I'm not gonna indulge you."
"Why not?" wailed Shawn his voice muffled slightly by Hunter's broad shoulder.
"You're drunk and it's not fair, not on you, or me."
"How's it not fair, what's so bad about getting laid?" mumbled Shawn
"Shawn I care about you, I care about you a lot and I'm not gonna jeopardise everything for some drunken fumble alright?" snapped Hunter releasing the smaller man from his hug.
Shawn stared at him, his face awash with confusion. Hunter's denial had registered but the sentiment behind it was failing.
"You're so wrapped up in replacing Kev, why can't you just focus on you?" griped Hunter angrily, "Why can't you just realise that there's more to life than Kevin Nash"
Shawn sat muted by Hunter's hostility.
"I miss him" he heaved defensively, "I loved him and he left and I miss him Hunt"
" I know you do" replied Hunter his voice gentler, " I know it hurts but you can't let it eat away at you like this, you're downing pills, getting totally wasted all the time, coming in here –"
"I said I was sorry!" repeated Shawn his voice cracking, "I'm sorry I fucked everything up again ok? I'm SORRY"
His drunken cry echoed around the small room, the self deprecation pierced Hunter to the core.
"You didn't fuck it up"
"No? That's why Kevin's in Atlanta with Scott, that's why I downed a half a bottle of somas and have no booze left in the mini bar? That's why you're sat here trying to fight me off?" blurted Shawn his tone thick with tears,
"Aw Shawn" sighed Hunter heavily
"You said it yourself I ruin everything" said Shawn turning from him
"I did not say that!" barked Hunter furiously snatching at Shawn's wrist and dragging him round to face him, "How can you think that?"
"Because it's true!" snivelled Shawn, "I ruined everything between me and Kev with those stupid fucking pills and now, n-now I come in here and try do the exact same thing with you. I'm such a fucking stupid-"
His tirade was abruptly cut short by Hunter's mouth. A soft and tender kiss that muted all insecurity momentarily.
"What was that for?" asked Shawn his head swimming with bewilderment as Hunter released him.
"Had to shut you up. You were talking absolute garbage" said Hunter matter of factly
Shawn looked at him through a salted glaze; he brought a shaking hand up to quivering lips and smeared the taste of the younger man into nothingness.
"Do you like me?"
"No I hate your guts" quipped Hunter, "What, you think I just like kissing people I despise?"
Shawn sat staring at him, the realisation working its way through his drunken haze. Hunter's animosity at being second choice to Kevin rapidly made sense as Shawn had a moment of lucidness.
" If you like me so much, why'd you say no?"
"Because you're Kevin's" replied Hunter matter of factly, " Always have been."
"I'm not now"
"Yes you are" refuted Hunter, "You only came in here to forget him. You didn't come here for me. Not really"
Shawn looked down at the bedcovers ashamedly, gnawed guiltily at his lip, he couldn't deny the accusation, knew in his heart of hearts that it was true.
"I'm sorry"
His hushed apology swam around them forlornly; Hunter pulled gently he lay down causing Shawn to tumble to the bed with him.
"I know you are" he whispered his lips brushing the elder man's earlobe,
"What are you doing?" questioned Shawn as Hunter's warm arms encircled him from behind
"What you came in here asking me to do." replied Hunter softly tightening his embrace.
Shawn snuggled against him the warmth seeping from every pore, he soaked in the security radiating from Hunter's broad frame.
He felt himself surrender to the weariness he'd been avoiding all night and as his eyes flickered shut he felt Hunter stroke his hair softly.
"At least when Kev calls you can tell him you finally found someone else to sleep with" he said softly.
Shawn fell asleep with a smile gracing his features, the heartache momentarily forgotten in Hunter's arms.