Author's Note: Well, the requirements had to be:
Must be funny.
There must be some mention of Sirius.
Ron can NOT be gay.
Someone must say, "I absolutely despise cold season."
Someone must also say, "I'm not gifted, I'm weird."
Also, someone has to say "But I don't have a color printer!"
A *human* character has to yell "QUACK!"
There must be a house elf somewhere in it.
Someone has to have an accent.
So here it is...
One dreary, boring and dull day, a penguin shot straight out of bed.
"Aaaahhh!!! Oh nuts, I'm late for the duck convention!!!!!" it cried. The penguin began to put its bright purple leg warmers on, muttering, "I absolutely DESPISE cold season..." Finally finishing, it gave one look in the mirror, then took a wand out and Disapparated to wherever its duck convention was.
"Quack? Quack, quack! QUACKERS!!!!!!!" a crowd of ten humans dressed in duck suits were quacking when the penguin accidentally landed on one of them.
"QUACK!!! QUACK!!!" they quacked. The penguin noticed the very, very, very padded walls around them, and gave a small, weak smile at the human "quackers". One of them noticed this and yelled,
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!" he said over and over again, and soon all the other crazy humans took up the chant.
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
"I'm not gifted, I'm weird!"
The penguin was starting to get a headache, so it Disapparated, not knowing where it was going and not caring, only wanting to be somewhere where insane people were not yelling, "I'm not gifted, I'm weird!," all over again and again and again. And again.
This time, the landed on an overly large, black dog who was howling at the moon with a strange wolf. The penguin, panicking, yelled,
"But I don't have a color printer!" because it had just seen the same image on a Hallmark card on the Internet only yesterday, and had tried to print it out, but forgot that he was out of ink, and it had printed in black and white.
The overly large black dog gave a small POP and a skinny man stared at the penguin, from the spot where the dog had just sat.
"Lupin, you don't attack the penguin, okay?" Sirius said, Sirius-ly. The weird wolf growled. The penguin was still confused.
"But- but, I don't have a color printer, so how come... "
Sirius stared down at the penguin. "Perhaps you should go- you see, my friend Lupin- he's a werewolf, might just eat you-"
The penguin nodded very forcefully, speechless. It took out a shaking hand and Disapparated once again, trying to get his paralyzed brain to work where he wanted to go.
"What do you reckon, Harry? Would Hermione like this book or this one for her birth- Aaarrrggg!!!!" Ron Weasley buckled under the weight of the penguin which had just Apparated on top of him where he stood in Hogsmeade's bookshop. The penguin got up, pulling up his leg warmers.
"I really DO detest cold season..." Harry and Ron looked at the penguin, who, realizing where he was, gave a small jump of surprise and went to look at all the titles of books.
"Oh, wow!!! Look at this one! Magical Volcanoes and their Properties!" the penguin exclaimed, clearly in heaven at being in a bookshop and being able to look at books. Ron and Harry looked at each other.
"Harry Potter, sir! The very valiant Harry Potter! Sir, it is Dobby!" The small house elf came hurtling into the shop, then threw itself onto Harry's legs. The penguin paid no attention to this, and merely jumped up and down with happiness, hugging the book to it's chest.
Dobby the house-elf gave a joyful cry. "Dobby knows the brave Harry Potter would not mind Dobby bringing some of Dobby's friends for a party, would he, sir?"
Without waiting for and answer, Dobby the house-elf sent everybody in the bookshop including Harry, Ron, and the penguin to Harry and Ron's common room with his house-elf powers.
"Sirs! Would you be wanting a soda, sirs?" A mob of house-elves came rushing up to them, all wearing the same indentical grins and all having the same noses as Dobby.
"My family, Harry Potter and his great friend Ron!" said Dobby, beaming. Harry, Ron and the penguin (who was looking very cross that it had been whisked away from the books) stared around at everybody else in the common room. There seemed to be a great deal of people and wizards they had never seen before, including some middle-aged, white-bearded guys who were surveying the room with interest.
"Ah, yus, uhf coahse!" exclaimed one man, flinging his soda over a dozen house-elves with his over-excited hand. "Zee ehntehriohr sdecorhating ees seemply exqueeseetay!"
The poor penguin gave a great shake to its head and gave up- it certainly wasn't going to its duck convention in this utter chaos...
"Smarque Juhambi!!" cried a familiar voice. The penguin looked up and saw nearly thirty different kinds of birds rushing towards him, leaded by a very large dodo bird who was smiling broadly at him. The penguin stood up, relief surging through him.
"Prammar Essnol!!!! What a- wonderful surprise to see you here!"
The duck convention went to a corner of the common room which had been set up for hundreds of birds to sit in. There was a great rushing of wings as birds fought over favorite chairs. The dodo at the stage cleared its throat.
"Now, if I may have the pleasure to introduce...Smarque Juhambi, the world's leading expert on cold season!!!!"
Smarque Juhambi the penguin cleared his throat at the podium.
"I am very pleased to be here this night. It is a great honor to be here..." the penguin paused to hitch his leg warmers up, then gave up in frustration as they slid down again.
"OH I GIVE UP!!!! I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE COLD SEASON!!!!"
The penguin stormed of the stage.
"Cut!" the director yelled, "Very good, Snape, just a bit more enthusiasm at the end- you really HATE cold season, don't you? Show it!"
The penguin took off its face for a moment, revealing Severus Snape, who wiped his face off with a towel. He groaned.
"I should never have let Potter blackmail me into this..."
A small voice grew inside Snape's head.
"Yes, but you didn't want him to go blabbing about your newly acquired pantyhose, now did you?"
A/N: *author shoots "Save the Penguin" stickers to the crowd of readers* REVIEW!!!!! *shoots a bag of -er- PIXIE POWER into the crowd* There you go, now review...