This is a one shot so I hope that you lot like it. I've read a few self harm fics and thought that I would have a go at writing one I redone this so hope you enjoy
It had be a few months since Sherlock had returned from being dead and there had been so much that Sherlock wanted to say to John but he had already moved on to another girlfriend this one's name was Mary. He and John had another fight which Sherlock knew that it had been his fault not that Sherlock would want to admit that it was. He walked to John's room to see that it was mostly empty and destroyed. John had taken most of his things when he left to stay with his girlfriend which was two weeks ago and Sherlock couldn't really take the pain of John never going to be with him. He knew that John would soon leave him for good and never come back; this was just something Sherlock couldn't face. He walked to the bathroom before picking up the razor that was sitting in the sink before pulling it towards his forearm. He felt the pain of the razor cutting uncut flesh, Sherlock loved to feel the pain as it was the only thing that would help with wanting to forget about John, the man that would never love him; after all who would ever love a freak like Sherlock.
You're ashamed about
all your fears and doubts
and how I hurt you.
Can you make it back from the aftermath
And how I left you
Sherlock felt the cold blade slice his warm flesh then feeling the wet, red fluid dripping down his arm. The pain felt good, it made him feel as if he was human even though he was one. He cut down deeper not caring anymore he just wanted this to be over, he had thought John to be the one that he had been wanting but now that seemed like that would never happen now, not this time. Sherlock had hurt John badly to the point of no return when he pretended to be dead and thanks to Moriarty he had lost the only thing that gave Sherlock life meaning, Sherlock began to start feeling light headed from the blood loss but he didn't care, he cut down on his upper arm deep. He thought back to when they had the fight, it had began because of him destroying John's room
Nobody wants to be alone,
with the fear of letting go.
If you could hear me say
It`s gonna be okay
would you be okay
Sherlock had been sitting on the armchair on John's laptop again when John came in carrying shopping bags and took them to the kitchen, he came back in to the living room and looked at Sherlock, placing his thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his noses
"Sherlock, is that my laptop?" John says not sounding in happy. Sherlock could guess that something had gone wrong at work and he would be right. John had, had a bad day at work and wasn't in any mood to deal with Sherlock's childish behaviour
"Yes it is" Sherlock says not looking up at him and continues to do what he is doing
"Can't you just use yours instead of mine all the time?" John asks before walking over and taking his laptop off of Sherlock and placing on his arm chair
"I would however it was destroyed along with your room" Sherlock says mumbling that last part however John was able to make out what he had said and ran up to his room before running down back to the living room fuming
"You destroyed my whole room" John shouts "Sherlock I know you get bored but my room why couldn't you destroy your own room or better yet not destroy any thing that belongs to me"
"It's not like you would need it after all most..." Sherlock says before John punches him straight in the face stopping him from saying anything else
"Can you not for once think of others instead of just yourself Sherlock, couldn't think for once how it makes me feel having my stuff destroyed" John shouts "You know what don't answer that, you're just not human only humans care about other people then themselves, they don't let their friends think that they were dead for 5 months Sherlock, 5 fucking month"
John leaves the room before heading to his destroyed and gathering what belongings he had that were not destroyed and head back down stairs, grabbing his jacket and walking out of the flat, slamming the door with a loud thud. Sherlock watched him from the window, he could see John getting into a taxi and driving away
Sherlock came out of his thoughts only to collapse on the floor; he heard a sound of a door opening. Sherlock tried to get up but his body wasn't listening so he lay on the floor bleeding out, he felt his eye lids droop; he could hear his name being called. Sherlock wanted to call out however he couldn't find the straight move or to talk, he finally gave in and darkness over came him
And though I`ve gone away
I still see what you're going through.
It kills me everyday;
A few moments before
John decided maybe he had over reacted before sure Sherlock had destroyed his room but that was what John had to put up with when living with Sherlock, he had even shot a man for the guy. John opened the door before placing his suitcase down and looked around for Sherlock
"Sherlock, Sherlock" John called and receiving no reply, he knew that Sherlock was here as his coat and scarf was here and John knew that Sherlock wouldn't leave without his scarf. John called out Sherlock's name again, running up the stairs to see that the bathroom door was closed. John rushed to the door to see that it was locked,
"Sherlock I know you're in there so you will ever answer me or I'm coming in" John says and still receiving no reply "Fine Sherlock, 1.2...3"
John ran at the door kicking it off its hinges, just like he had done in his army days. John saw Sherlock and felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. He could see Sherlock lying on the floor with blood creating a puddle next to Sherlock. He grabbed one of the towels and pressed it firmly around the wound trying to stop the bleeding "Sherlock don't do this again to me" John growled, there was a sign of worry in his voice. John got his mobile out and called an ambulance, when he was finished he looked at to see that Sherlock's chest was not moving. John felt for a pulse, he found one however it was weak; John began to perform CPR
"Come on Sherlock don't do this" John says while giving CPR "Come on Sherlock, I know you can hear me you selfish bastard"
to know I killed what meant most to you.
So when you pass my grave,
leave a rose for what might have been.
But know that it`s okay
to shed your fears and find love again
Sherlock's subconscious
I could hear something but it seemed so far way I could see something in the distance however it wasn't the white light, no it was a memory, I could see John standing in front of my empty grave. I listened to what he said
"You... you told me once that you weren't a hero. Umm, there were times I didn't even think you were human. But let me tell you this, you were the best man, the most human... human being that I've ever known, and no-one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so there. I was so alone, and I owe you so much. But, please, there's just one more thing, one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't be... dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this." I hear john says this before walking away from the grave. I had wanted nothing more than to chase after him and tell him everything but knowing that he would be killed, I could see more and more memories of when me and John were a team working together but that soon all past as it started to become dark and the voice became more clearer, I could hear John
For better or worse you`re the one,
I never thought I`d hurt
But looking back on these dreams
nothing is what it seems;
…know that you`ll wake up to better things
Out of subconscious
John continued to perform CPR, before seeing that Sherlock was still not breathing. John lent against the bath, feeling a tear drop down his face. John head fell down but came to look at Sherlock when hearing a gasping sound. He could see that Sherlock chest was moving up and down again, John quickly removed the towel and placed another one on the wound.
And though I`ve gone away
I still see what you`re going through.
It kills me everyday,
to know I killed what meant most to you.
So when you pass my grave,
leave a rose for what might have been.
But know that it`s okay
to shed your fears and find love again
When Sherlock awoke he could hear the sound of beeping, 'the sound of a heart monitor, I must be in a hospital but how did I get here' Sherlock thought to himself before slowly opening his eyes to see John sitting in the chair next to the bed sleeping with one hand touching Sherlock's Sherlock looked down at his arm to see a bandage wrapped around it.
John opened his eye when feeling Sherlock's hand moving "Sherlock you, your awake" John stuttered before managing to speak half shout what he said next "What the hell were you thinking, you could have killed yourself"
Sherlock didn't say anything and didn't make eye contacted ever. How could he, he had caused more pain for John in his failed attempted. John grabbed hold of his hand trying to get Sherlock to look at him
I hear you say
I don`t know how and I don`t know why
but there will come one day
when I will tell you all the things inside.
Just know theres someone above you to help you!
"Sherlock, do you think I like seeing my friend lying on the floor dying" John says "you stopped breathing, do you know how much you scared me? Please Sherlock look at me"
Sherlock still didn't look at John "John, I never meant for that to happen" Sherlock says "I never meant to hurt you after the fight I couldn't handle that I was never going to be by your side"
"Sherlock what, what do you mean?" John asked unsure of what Sherlock meant by what he had just said
"John I have always cared about you even when it didn't seem that way" Sherlock says now looking at John "The day of the fall I wasn't trying to hurt you, I was trying to protected you. I couldn't just let you die"
Sherlock turned his head away from John again, John placed a hand on Sherlock's face "Please look at me Sherlock, don't turn away from me please"
Sherlock looks at John again, he was not sure how he would say this to John but he was going to do it anyway
And though I`ve gone away
I still see what you`re going through.
It kills me everyday,
to know I killed what meant most to you.
So when you pass my grave,
"John, I know you will never feel the same way but I need to tell you this" Sherlock says before taking deep breath "John Hamish Watson, I love you" Sherlock say to him. Sherlock had expected John to walk away from the bed or at least run out of the room but John didn't
"Sherlock, why didn't you tell me" he asks him
"Well, I was afraid" Sherlock says "I was afraid that If I told you, you would have left and never wanted to be with me"
"Sherlock I love you as well" John says "Sherlock I know I can get angry and you can be childish and annoying but that will never make me love you any less"
John placed a hand on Sherlock cheek before him and Sherlock locked lips. Sherlock knew that he would never try to hurt John in any way
"You know people might talk" John says to him
"People always talk John" Sherlock says back
"Sherlock if you ever do anything like this again I will kill you myself" John threatens
"And what if I die" Sherlock says
"Then I will bring you back from the dead just so I can kill you myself" John says
"I wouldn't have it any other way John" Sherlock says before he and John kiss again, John quickly pulled away "Sherlock you were joking about dying weren't you" John says
"Of course John"
leave a rose for what might have been.
But know that it`s okay
to shed your fears and find love again
FIN
Song used: Briane by Boyce Avenue
I hope that you lot liked it.
Please reveiw