Hi guys!
So this is actually my first story in English and first story about suits. I hope you will enjoy it.
Just a little warning before you dig in. I am not a native speaker so there will be many mistakes for sure.( Don´t hesitate to correct me in comments.)
I would appreciate also comments about if you liked it or not and why.
Thank you and enjoy =)
"Harvey where did you just go now?" the therapist asks him.
He raises his eyes to meet her with puzzled expression, "Hm?"
"You came here to discuss Mike´s arrest, but you just got really quiet. What did you just think about?" she nudges him to answer.
He doesn´t want to talk about it, so he straightens up in his sitting position and gives her a vague answer "I just…" he paused to get together all the confusing thoughts. " I thought about the time when Donna had been investigated by the DA office. When there was a chance she could end up in prison. It´s nothing. Let´s get back to the Mike problem."
"Oh I see how it can resemble your current situation. What exactly were you thinking about?" she asked not ready to give into his changing subject techniques.
His posture getting more stiff, "About our fight."
"Why?" she asks.
He will never understand what is with her fixation to why and how question, "What do you mean why?"
She changes her position to point out the fact that she will not back down "Did you get into a fight with Donna about Mike´s arrest?"
"No. We are ok."
"So tell me Harvey. What was the fight about back then?"
-flashback-
"So you fought about your lack of showing emotions?" she questions.
"Yes," he states the obvious.
She keeps quiet for a few second, "How did you feel when Mike was arrested?"
"I don´t know. "
"I told you that I don´t know is not an answer but just a way how to post-pone the inevitable "
He is starting to get frustrated, because he really doesn´t know. "I know. But what do you want me to say, hmm?"
"I just would like to know how you felt."
He sighs and gives her somewhat defeated answer, "I just really don´t know. I was so shocked at the beginning and then everything faded. I had a panic attack."
She raises eyebrows quite surprised with his reply" I see. Was she there too? Did she witness it?"
"Yeah," he replies with repulsion filling in his voice.
"How did it make you feel?"
"I went to bathroom."
She knows that Harvey needs to be pushed but she knows his boarders so she decides to switch the subject back to Mike. "How is the process with Mike now?"
He raises eyebrows with surprise because he didn´t expect from her to drop the subject just yet. "Well it´s quite complicated. When they arrested him, they left him a room for quite some time. It took a while after I found out about his arrest."
Just when she wants to ask him a question, he continues, "You know I thought that if I resign everyone will just back off. Cause let´s face it, they have won. Being a name partner is everything I wanted in life so I don´t get what they want to achieve."
"But that´s not true right?" she asked.
He frowned, "what is not true?"
"You know why they are doing it. And that´s what makes you angry and desperate, right?" looking at him, searching for any tells.
"Caring only makes you weak," he quotes with defeat.
"But you don´t believe it either," she states.
"Of course I believe it. Caring just sucks. No one would be in this freaking shit if I would not care and if I wouldn´t be such an egoistic asshole. Mike would be safe, Rachel wouldn´t be heartbroken, Jessica and firm would be safe and.." his voice failing but he still continues. "Donna would be safe. Everyone I car..just everyone would be safe."
She is looking at him and studying him. He is quite nervous under her intense graze. "Are you afraid because Donna´s safety is in danger?"
He scoffs and adds: "Of course of all the mentioned above you pick just her, why? Everyone I care about is in danger and Mike´s in the biggest one, why again with Donna? I told you I wanted to talk about Mike"
She rolls her eyes, annoyed with this issue. Why can´t he just realise it´s all about her. "How many times have I told you that some things are just connected together. Harvey, I am not here to torture you. I want to help you to deal with your issues, ok?" She pauses so he can calm down and then she asks again: "Are you afraid because Donna´s safety is in danger?"
"Yes. I am."
"Are you feeling guilty because you put her in jeopardy?"
On that question, he just nods so she takes it as a yes.
"How did you felt when Donna was being charged back then?"
He sighs and rubs his palms over his face. "Like I wanted to drop to my knees."
She just nodded her head and added: "Did you tell her that when she questioned you about your emotions?"
"Yes."
"How are you feeling now when she is also in danger?"
He huffs, "The same. Not a great feeling let me tell you that."
"Ok Harvey. I see you are frustrated." He just groans as a reply so she decides to continue. "Harvey I think it´s time for us to talk about why Donna left."
"But I have already told you that."
"Yeah but I think you missed out some important information. So let me get this straight. She could have been imprisoned. She doubted your feelings. You told her that the thought of her in prison makes you drop to your knees. You saved her and then she just left, right?" she asked him not believing that is the truth.
"Yes."
"Ok Harvey. Let me ask you this. Why would she leave you after you saved her? What reason would she have?"
He sighs, "I don´t know."
She is getting frustrated with him. She just did not understand why he is not making any progress with Donna topic. He opened with his mother issues and right now they are going mile steps back not forward. So she decides to push on it a little bit more. "You know what I think, Harvey?"
"If I could read minds I wouldn´t be here," he replies sarcastically.
"Sarcasm is deflection, Harvey. You know I think that something happened. You probably had an exchange of opinions. Was it about your lack of support? Or was it about you telling her that bullshitting her way to get some memos is not part of her job?" she saw it was working because his posture was stiff and his jaw was sharp. So she switched into another strategy. " Did you tell me that you don´t need my help? Did you tell me that I am just secretary so I need to deal with it and that you don´t have time to deal with my fuck ups and emotions and that you don ´t have time to comfort me or to pity me when things go wrong?" she saw she touched the nerve.
It was bubling inside him. How dare she! She must know it´s not like that. For Christ´s sake! "I don´t pity you! I told you that I love you because I do and I wanted you to know that! You of all people should know it´s not about the money or you being secretary. Donna I am so sorry but how could you after everything we have been trough?"
"How could I what? Do finally something good for me? How could I leave you just like that after all the time and things we shared? I wanted more and you couldn´t deal with all the emotions. No surprise there because it´s you so tell me why shouldn´t I leave?
…"Because you were suppose to love me! Funny way of showing it by leaving! You should have known because you are Donna. You know everything…You..," and then he just zooned out and stared at Paula. Emotions getting the better of him and he needed to filter them so he got up and started pacing.
Paula sat there, quite shocked by the revelations. She didn´t expect the L word drop. "So you told her you love her," she stated the obvious, taking some time to wrap it around her head. This changed everything.
"Yes I did," he stopped pacing when she pointed at the couch. So he sat down.
"Why did she leave Harvey?" she asked in hope of truthful answer.
"She asked me how," he answered like it wasn´t obvious already.
"How?" she frowned with confusion.
He sighed, "she asked me how I love her."
"I see and you didn´t answer, right? Why?"
"I don´t know," he pause when he saw Paula frown even more. "It´s just I am not very good at expressing my thoughts and she knows that. She supposed to know these things. She confused me I didn´t know what she wanted," he added.
"Why was she confusing you?"
"She accused me of not looking at her that way. I said that I didn´t want to ruin things because we already have everything. She spat at me that only I have everything. And when I have asked her if she wants everything, she didn´t reply. But I don´t get it because she has that rule of not dating with those she works with. But she broke it with Stephen so," he trailed of.
"How did it make you feel when she asked you how you love her?"
He did not reply so she continued, "Were you feeling trapped? Looking for answers from her because she was supposed to know everything, right? So why was she questioning it now? Why was she putting pressure on your relationship this way? Was she thinking about compromising it by breaking the rule? When did she tell you that she loves you?" she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
"Right after she told me that she is leaving me."
"How could have she done it, right? You don´t leave people when you love them," expecting his reaction.
"As far as I am concerned when you love someone you don´t just leave. " he answered.
"But you did leave after your mother left home. You left your brother and father at home, alone. Why?" she asked.
"Because I couldn´t deal with the guilt. Because it was my fault," his head fell down and he was looking at the floor. She knew the signs of shame when she saw them. "Harvey, why do you think Donna left?"
She was not getting any answer so she continued with different question. "Harvey, why was Donna such a good secretary?"
"What?" he asked with shock at her question.
"I said why she was such a good secretary? What was her job description? What she did for you?"
"Well she just knew what to do without me asking her for it. She knew what I needed and in what mood I was in just by looking at my tie or the colour of my shirts. "
"Has she been taking care of your personal stuff like buying presents for others when they had birthday or maybe buying herself something?"
"Yes she was. But sometimes I took her shopping on her birthday. She bought bags or we went to the restaurant."
She nodded and asked:" You once mentioned that you went to see her show. Did she dream about becoming an actresss?"
He looked at her surprised, "actually yes. She told me that at the beginning that she wants to work for me at the DA because she knows I will leave for Pearson Hardman and that it´s convenient for her because she will be actress."
"So 13 years later she is still working for you. Does she still have time for shows?"
"No she stopped. It was a one-time thing after a long period," he frowned at his answer.
"Why do you think she stopped? Do you think that she put her life on hold for you? Do you think that she picked you over some boyfriends?" still not getting an answer, so she asked: "Why do you think she left Harvey?"
"So she could move on," he added sadly.
The silence was broken by her question: "How does it make you feel?"
"People that care about each other don´t move on at all," was his only response.
She decided to change the topic of questions. "Ok. Did you acknowledge the fact that Donna knows about me and your panic attacks?"
"No," he replied and then stopped and asked: "What do you mean by knowing about you?"
"I met her. She came to my office when everyone was looking at you because of the vote at company. But you were already gone," she answered.
"What did you do?" he asked nervously.
"She is very nice and smart woman. She could be therapist if she wanted to, she certainly can read people," but when she saw him frowning. She added: "Don´t worry, I did not tell her anything. Doctor-patient confidentiality. She just thanked me for helping you."
"Ah. Do you think that she felt disappointed of the thought or..," he trailed of unable to voice his worries.
"No. Harvey, I think she was just worried about you because you were nowhere to be found. And she was genuinely happy that you were getting help," she smiled at him reassuringly and continued: "What did she do after you ran to the bathroom?"
He changed position, getting lost in his thoughts for a while before answering: "She came there too just when I was washing my face. She came to me, tears in her eyes and then she just hugged me."
"What did you do after that?"
"I told her that we need to see Mike and..," his mind trailer of to the moment.
-flashback-
"We need to see Mike," Harvey said but she still kept hugging him. He got a little bit worried. "Donna?" he ran his hands in comfort against her back.
She pulled away from him, tears in her eyes and asked him: "Are you ok?"
He nodded his head and said:"Yes, I am ok."
She tilted her head and then looked down. After a while she raised her head and looked at him with eyes full of tears.
He can´t deal with her crying so he just added: "Donna I am ok. Really. You don´t need to worry."
She laughed, but not the happy kind of laugh, but the one filled with sadness and bitterness. "I am just scared," she confessed and then hugged him again.
He put his arms around her. Making soothing circles on her back just to make her feel safe and relaxed. "Don´t worry I will get Mike out," Harvey.
She shook her head and said: "That´s not why I am scared."
I was confused. She did that a lot, confusing me. It got me thinking that maybe she is scared that she might have another close call about imprisonment which just couldn´t happened. I will never allow it. "Donna, everything is going to be just fine. Trust me. I won´t let anything happen to you. I promised to keep you safe. You don´t need to feel scared, ok? I will get Mike out and in the meanwhile he will not tell on you. He is a good kid and he loves you. Everything is fine, ok?" he said while holding her. He just wanted to reassure her that she is safe.
She pulled away from him, looked him in the eyes. "I am not afraid that I might end up in prison. I trust Mike," she paused but decided that she will not anything else.
It confused him even more. But realisation of Mike´s arrest dawned on him. "Donna, I need to get Mike out. Go to Rachel and be with her. I can´t imagine what she is going through. I will call you to keep you two updated after I will be more into the loop, ok?" he took hold of her right arm and gave her a little squeeze to reassure her.
She squeezed his hand one more time before nodding and saying: "Yeah. Ok you are right. Oh my god poor Rachel I totally forgot about her. Call me with updates, ok?"
"Yeah. Of course. I will see you later," he added while leaving bathroom.
But before he was out of door she caught his hand which made him turn to her and look at her with questioning gaze. "Harvey," she paused as if she was trying to find the right kind of words and then added: "just be careful please, ok? Take care, ok? Don´t do anything stupid, please?" she pleaded him with tears yet again in her eyes.
He stood there jolted with no words coming to his mind. So he just said: "Of course. I said don´t worry so don´t worry Donna. It is going to be ok. Just be with Rachel. I will call you," and with that he left.
-end of flashback—
Paula studied him for a while and then asked him: "Harvey, how did you feel when she came to the bathroom and saw you vulnerable?"
He sighed, "I hated the fact she so me this vulnerable. I couldn´t look her in the eyes."
She nodded. "Why do you think she hugged you?"
Harvey raised his eyebrows, surprised because he did not think about it before. "Well I guess, she didn´t want me to see the pity in her eyes. So she hid her face."
Paula decided to take it from the other side to make Harvey realise. So she asked: "Harvey, how did you feel when you saw her so insecure and with tears in her eyes?"
He looked at her puzzled. Didn´t he just told her that? Is she even paying attention? "I told you. I hate it. I feel helpless. I can´t take it when she is hurting."
"Do you think it is possible that Donna feel the same about you? That she just can´t take it when you are hurting and that might be why she hugged you?" she asked. She was curious of his answer.
"Yeah I guess so," he vaguely responded.
Why she kidded herself that this would be easy was beyond her. "Harvey, when you came here. You were scared but yet angry why?"
He left a big sigh out his lungs, run his hand over his hair. He was getting frustrated. He was becoming more and more confused, " because it´s my fault. I put many people in danger."
"I get that this situation is very serious," she added.
He laughed desperately. "Yeah, you can say that."
"You said that Mike is refusing your help as attorney. Why?" Paula asked him.
Really? She is not helpful at all, Harvey thought. "I don't know! That´s kind of why I am here!"
"Ok. Why did you think about your fight with Donna when I asked you? Don´t answer me that. I just want to add something. Why has Donna wanted Luis to work her case?" she asked instead.
"She thought I did not care about her but about winning the competition. Beating him in his own game," he replied truthfully. This truth still stung him. How could she think that after all this time?
"Oh," realisation dawned on him and he looked at her with wide eyes.
"Oh indeed. You said that Mike is a pussy because he is all emotional and touchy-feely, right? So you think he is pussy just because he loves Rachel?" Paula asked him, trying to provoke him.
And it was successful because his voice was filled with anger: "No of course not! They are nice and very happy couple."
"Harvey how do you think Rachel feels right now?" Paula asked. She hoped he will realise it soon.
"She is totally devastated," Harvey answers.
"Do you think she could move on?" Paula asked carefully.
"No. Of course not," he replied quickly.
"Why? Oh right, I know. When people care about each other they don´t move on. Harvey, why do you want to be Mike´s attorney?" she asked.
Harvey huffed. "Because I am the best! I will do whatever it takes to save him and whatever it takes to keep others safe too."
Paula knew they were getting closer so she asked: "How would you feel if Donna was the one arrested?"
He stood up in anger:"How can you even ask me that kind of the question?"
She got him where she wanted him: "Harvey, how would you feel if I was the one arrested?"she repeated and added: "Would you move on from me to some younger sexier model?"
"Of course not! How could you think that?"he yelled.
"How would you feel if I was the one arrested? Would you be devasted like Rachel? But I am not your secretary anymore. You have Gretchen I guess you would be ok then?" she repeated.
She struck the nerve."Donna, you of all people should know it would kill me!" he answered desperately. How cannot she know?
"Why Harvey?"
"Because I freaking love you!" he yelled.
"Love me how Harvey? Love me how?" asked Paula.
…...
It took at least three knocks at the door before she answered.
"Harvey, what are you doing here? Why are you soaked?" Donna asked him.
"I just. –I need to talk to you. Can I come in?" he asked her.
"Yeah, sure. Come in." she replied and opened the door for him.
"Is Rachel here?" he asked.
"No she is at home. I came here to shower and get some stuff," she replied.
He went in to the living room and she followed him. He was pacing and was lost in thoughts. She waited a moment before she spoke: "Did something happen?"
"No. Yes. Ehm..," he trailed of. He was suddenly lost for words. So he just looked at her and puffed all the air out of his lungs. He had to do it. She was there in reach. He was so near. She deserved to know.
"Harvey?"
"I just. I want to tell you something. Can you promise me that you will not interrupt me until I finish?" he asked and looked at her almost sheepishly but it all looked so serious. That got her to think about what this all fuss might be so she was quiet for a while.
"Donna?" he wanted an answer.
She just nodded her head and added: "Yeah, sure. Of course. You can start."
He nodded and decided that he needs to start.
"Donna. I want to apologize for everything I put you through during those years. I am sorry for not saying thank you enough and for not showing enough gratitude or saying how much I value our friendship and especially how much I value you. For not being grateful enough when you put yourself in the danger zone just to safe my ass. For taking you for granted. For so many other things," he paused and saw she was biting her lip.
"I am not good at these emotional stuff and you know that. But when you asked me about it, I was pushed into corner. Because you are always the one telling me how I feel or what to do to realise how I feel. You just always know everything. So how could you not know now?" he said and saw that she wanted to interrupt him to defend herself. Because how dare he! So he raised his hand. "No. You promised no interruptions."
He continued after she nodded. "I have been to my therapy and I wanted to talk about the Mike situation but we ended up talking about you. I should have known that everything just comes down to you. You have this ability to worm your way into everything in my life. Not that I am complaining," he looked at her eyes for support.
"What I wanted to say is that now I realise more what you have done for me over all these years. What did you gave up for me - from life to being an actress to choosing me over others. I want to say. Thank you. Because Donna without you I wouldn´t be where I am now," he paused because he saw that she was struggling with her emotions.
She nervously changed her weight from one leg to another and again to the other. He decided to continue nevertheless, " I wouldn´t be me, completely in love with you," her sharp intake of breath made him pause for few seconds.
"That is how I love you. I know it took me some time but I finally realised it and I am so sorry I couldn´t just tell you back there. The last thing on my mind is to ever hurt you Donna, " he pleaded.
"You once told me that I never fight for what is in my heart. So I am here to prove you wrong. I know you are Donna and you are always right. But let me have at least this one time ok? Donna, I know that you are with Mitchell and that you are happy, because he is not a lawyer and he is anything like me. And I want you to be happy." he swallowed all the emotions. He was on the verge of emotional break down or maybe a panic attack.
" And it got me into thinking about how happy you make me. I will spend the rest of my life repaying you everything you did for me. And I know I can´t promise that I won´t screw up or that I will not make you angry. But I promise that you are the most important fight," he swallowed. He looked down at floor to get his emotions in check and then looked up at her.
He saw tears in her eyes but she was still silent and it was making him very nervous. So he decided to add something to help him with his emotions. "And just so you know what you will be getting into with me. Please don´t expect many huge romantic grand gestures because I am totally exhausted and I think I just wasted all energy for another decade or so. And I might be in the middle of a heart attack."
This actually made her chuckle but also it triggered her tears. He is not good at seeing her cry so he pleaded: "Donna, please don´t cry. You know I can´t take it."
He was getting nervous because he has never seen her quiet for such a long time. He was switching his weight of his legs. Hi ran his hand through his hair and then he thought that she may need some time. So he decided to leave, but not before speaking up: "Hmmm. So ehm. Should I leave you to your thoughts or ehmm?," but then he decided not to give up just yet.
"Donna, please say something. I know that it´s not fair of me to ask you that. But you are literally killing me here," he came closer to her just to try it out.
She did not move. So he came even closer and put his hands on her cheeks to brush off the tears. She looked at him then. She saw all of him. What a mess he was. Wait. What a mess she was! She decided to put them out of the misery.
"I am with Mitchell," she said. Just four words were powerful enough to break his heart. He dropped his hands and took a step back. Then suddenly she took his hand into his and spoke up: "That´s why I can´t kiss you right now even though I so desperately want. I want to ask you one favour, is it ok?"
He nodded before speaking in rush: "Yes, of course. Anything you want. Anything just name it."
She nodded and asked: " You seemed that you thought a lot about what to say," she paused to make space for him.
"Well I realised that after 12 years I have a lot to make up for and I have messed up pretty badly, so few words wouldn´t cut it." He added before she continued.
"I just want to make sure that I heard it right, ok?" he nodded and she added: "Love me how Harvey?"
He looked at her puzzled. Out of all the things she is confused about that one? But he decided not to question her so he answered: "I want everything Donna. I want to have a life with you because I am in love with you."
She took a step to him and then another one and when she was close enough. She was standing on her toes when she brushed her nose against his cheek where she gave him a light kiss. And suddenly they were hugging and she hid her face into his neck. He embraced her and hid his face in her hair.
After a while, she just added: "Ok, you can have this one. But other times I am going to always right again ok?"
He nodded," Ok," and then he chuckled together with her. She pulled off and looked at him. He couldn´t resist her so he angled to her and kissed her on her forehead. She sighed contently: "I will meet up with Mitchell tomorrow to break it off so you can finally kiss me, ok?"
He nodded in agreement," Would you go on a date with me on Friday at 7pm?"
She looked at him with furrowed brows, "why not tomorrow?"
"Because tomorrow you will break up with him so we can have a shot of scotch and wallow in self-pity with a Chunky-Monkey. I want our date to be just about us."
"Ok. Friday night it is. Will you stay over? I just want you near. It was a hard day. Please," she added because she saw him protesting.
"Ok," he headed towards the bedroom.
She watched him getting out of his clothes. And as they lay in bed, facing each other with his hand on her face, stroking her cheeks loving, she looked him in the eye and told him:" I can´t wait to have everything."
He smiled in the dark, kissed her forehead and replied: "Me too. Goodnight Donna." Surrounded by her scent and warm made him feel home. Soon her breathing even out and he joined her into the slumber.
So that´s it guys! Once again sorry for my grammar as I am not a native speaker. I hope you liked it. I would be a very happy person if you left some comments so I know what to improve next time.
I tried to stay into the characters and you might think that Harvey would never do this, but he is quite observant when it comes to family and stuff that needs to be done for others. (for eg. Case with Luis´ sister – he wanted to safe her family from all the anger etc..)
Have a nice day :)